At times I felt my exBPD was angry with someone else, but took it out on me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

She was likely already in high conflict with my replacement. I guess I was just in serious denial. Looking back now, just before the end of our relationship, I was apparently reaching the end of how much I could tolerate. I looks like I was starting to demand respect. Now I must demand respect for and from myself. I'm struggling to keep it together 2 months out as I face the days and nights alone. But perhaps this alone time is exactly what I've needed all along. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I knew this wouldn't be easy because of the realization that I would have to face myself.

My email to her:  

"I guess we're either not in love anymore or never actually were. You know I'm not saying that to hurt you, I'm just trying to be real. If we were in love you would have passed on other options and you didn't so let's continue to keep it real. You cheated by entertaining another man and I caught you. I'll not get over that and neither should you.

When I saw that thread from you two in October I nearly got sick. "No sex./ Still with your fat (I am not fat) boyfriend? No."  NOT one word about me. Like always. Then you use the children you watch as a cover. TotalING Bull. You'd think I was born yesterday. Youed him again and you know it. Its all ok. I've been here before. Life is a b___ sometimes. You lie too much too. Don't think I know it?  You do it to even your son so why not me?  Its all ok... .relax... .I'm the guy you work it out with if you want to. If not then touché.


Anyway... .Yes this IS who I am And I will not ever change. Especially when you go behind my back and you did. And so did I.

Goodbye>> >> Avenue... .You will be gone but not forgotten.


I know without a doubt that I am not a bad man or an abuser, but our experience together has sent us in dangerous directions, that neither of us will be able to recover from.

****I'm not sure with whom you have me confused, but I am not that guy. I'm the guy you first met and so much more (really a lot more). But what I've been made to believe that I am, I am not and I can't hangout and try to resolve these matters with you anymore.  There is such little time in life for any of this.*****


Love you? Yes. Without a doubt. Sad that I'm having to write this yes, of course. Especially because of what I have to give in order to leave you. I love our everything (well almost everything). I always have and I always will and I never want to leave. But this is your place and I need to have my own thing and leaving this apartment is going to be maddening. But sometimes we have to take three steps forward and two steps back. This must be my steps back. But I thank you for too many things to mention. You were an angel to me at many points. Although most would agree that I am not your... .much of anything. And all of this is okay too. I'll always look out for you as I would "MIAMI."  If you don't get it then I'm actually right this time.


{Miami is a nickname I call my 6 year old daughter - caretaking? I guess it was}



Time to roll. I'm doing the best I can to keep myself happy here in the city. This place is crazy you know?



Anyway be well.  Whatever you need let me know. Just expect me to be still emotionally tied to your pu$$y. I'm not gonna lie. We can still do whatever and be together, but MY rules are going to take over. Always want you though. You know how guys are.



ANyway, a bit jealous, but NOT an ABUSer.

[Sandman1881]

She was likely already in high conflict with my replacement. I guess I was just in serious denial. Looking back now, just before the end of our relationship, I was apparently reaching the end of how much I could tolerate. I looks like I was starting to demand respect. Now I must demand respect for and from myself. I'm struggling to keep it together 2 months out as I face the days and nights alone. But perhaps this alone time is exactly what I've needed all along. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I knew this wouldn't be easy because of the realization that I would have to face myself.

My email to her:  

"I guess we're either not in love anymore or never actually were. You know I'm not saying that to hurt you, I'm just trying to be real. If we were in love you would have passed on other options and you didn't so let's continue to keep it real. You cheated by entertaining another man and I caught you. I'll not get over that and neither should you.

When I saw that thread from you two in October I nearly got sick. "No sex./ Still with your fat (I am not fat) boyfriend? No."  NOT one word about me. Like always. Then you use the children you watch as a cover. TotalING Bull. You'd think I was born yesterday. Youed him again and you know it. Its all ok. I've been here before. Life is a b___ sometimes. You lie too much too. Don't think I know it?  You do it to even your son so why not me?  Its all ok... .relax... .I'm the guy you work it out with if you want to. If not then touché.


Anyway... .Yes this IS who I am And I will not ever change. Especially when you go behind my back and you did. And so did I.

Goodbye>> >> Avenue... .You will be gone but not forgotten.


I know without a doubt that I am not a bad man or an abuser, but our experience together has sent us in dangerous directions, that neither of us will be able to recover from.

****I'm not sure with whom you have me confused, but I am not that guy. I'm the guy you first met and so much more (really a lot more). But what I've been made to believe that I am, I am not and I can't hangout and try to resolve these matters with you anymore.  There is such little time in life for any of this.*****


Love you? Yes. Without a doubt. Sad that I'm having to write this yes, of course. Especially because of what I have to give in order to leave you. I love our everything (well almost everything). I always have and I always will and I never want to leave. But this is your place and I need to have my own thing and leaving this apartment is going to be maddening. But sometimes we have to take three steps forward and two steps back. This must be my steps back. But I thank you for too many things to mention. You were an angel to me at many points. Although most would agree that I am not your... .much of anything. And all of this is okay too. I'll always look out for you as I would "MIAMI."  If you don't get it then I'm actually right this time.


{Miami is a nickname I call my 6 year old daughter - caretaking? I guess it was}



Time to roll. I'm doing the best I can to keep myself happy here in the city. This place is crazy you know?



Anyway be well.  Whatever you need let me know. Just expect me to be still emotionally tied to your pu$$y. I'm not gonna lie. We can still do whatever and be together, but MY rules are going to take over. Always want you though. You know how guys are.



ANyway, a bit jealous, but NOT an ABUSer.

[Elpis]

That's such a lot of rough feelings to deal with--betrayal not being the least. And I hate it too when people act like i'm somebody i'm not.

I lost a lot of the knowledge of who I was during my marriage to my uBPDh, and once I started getting it back again through working on myself, things just got worse. It was that much more offensive to my h that I was standing up for myself and my needs.

Sadly that's a typical thing for those of us in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to deal with. However their brain works it's quite different than ours--they have a pretty flawed belief system going that sees us very differently than we see ourselves, and they can often be quite good at breaking down our knowledge of ourselves when we aren't being aware.

We aren't treated like the person we actually are. That's common. No less hurtful to know it, but it's common.

Have you started looking through the info in the right hand sidebar? The lessons and the stages of detachment? That's how you're gonna get through this, that and posting here and engaging in the conversations here. It's a process but worthwhile, trust me. This site has done its homework and gives us lots of guidance so we can come out of this huge pile of sh!t smellin' like a rose. Seriously.

You're gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Some days I doubt that, but we gotta just keep working through it.

You talked about having to face yourself--I totally get that! I got so mad at myself when I realized I hadn't protected myself in the relationship, and i'd put up with being called mean names and run down and belittled. SO MAD. I thought i'd be more mad at him, but honestly having to see that i'd let myself down that badly was pretty painful.

We'll get there.

[Sandman1881]

Looking back I can now sense the passive-aggressive nature of my tone in that email and I'm starting wonder if she is uBPD and I uNPD. I hold myself responsible for my part and clearly I did not belong involved with this woman. I just couldn't help myself. I find her physical appearance adorable. Like my very own living doll.

We may have witchdoctored each other. Because right now I'm without a supply, facing myself 24/7 and I'm mildly catatonic. The unusual thing is I can't quite figure out if I'm emotionally hurt because I lost her, or I lost out on the opportunity to "fix" her. Knowing what I know now of course. I envy those that are still in the ring and on here. Makes me wanna hurl actually. Was I love sick and devastated or addicted and just trying to hoard my own supply of her? Ultimately I left fully aware of the replacement(s) newly acquired status - and I just knew she was cheating again when she would blame me, make excuses and run. She was finally able to acquire enough supply to turn off her "love for me switch."

She was arrested two nights later and I have an OP against her.

I've cut her off on contact from me by threat of arrest and every time she tries to stick me through a 3rd party the Universe/God/Karma/Something keeps shutting her down and it has made her even more exposed. I know I'll never 1up my uBPD, but I can't imagine the fact that the charges, the OP, the exposure of her true self (crazy-making) via 3rd parties, her undoubtedly weak new supply (told you I am narc), my strict NC, and her own fear of abandonment and self loathing can keep her from getting to me before her effect wears off and my "self" takes back myself. How does that saying go? You always want the ones you can't have (or get to). And to be perfectly honest I do NOT want her back. For any reason. I wish her well, but her issues are beyond me. But they are focused on me. SMH.

My (gut) ultimate fear in this is that she has not officially been able to extinguish me from her thoughts and I couldn't be any blacker. She tried to take my life by suffocation the night before I left, and I'm concerned that her deeply rooted primal rage (and stare - I saw it that night - completely blank - dilated pupils - empty) will keep her focused on eliminating me by homicide. I kid you not.

Do you think the police will buy my story? Do you? Not that there is anymore they can do. But having a bodyguard for the next 6 months or so would be nice.

My exBPD has reminded me (trigger) of three key people that have abused me during my lifetime. That in itself is a concern. But I am starting to examine the real reasons why I am/was so enamored by her. I couldn't stand up to those 3 during my childhood while being neglected and abused, and for the majority I couldn't stand up to her either.

Although I do miss the attention she gave me. And the fact that she had to crawl to someone new to rescue her from me makes me see her as ultimately weak and rather pathetic. A common nymph if you will and not unique, or special as I once saw her.

This was by far the most trauma I have experienced in my lifetime second only to the childhood abuse and neglect.

It's not a coincidence that I used the phrase "stick me" earlier. I feel if she comes back with intentions of finishing the job, she will surely take the most pleasure out of stabbing me to death. She told me about 5x that she believed that I would kill her some day. I would tell her to not say that and that I didn't like when she said that and I would never do that to her. I now wonder if she was projecting onto me how she really felt and her true ultimate intentions. Something like "If I don't need you nobody does." There was just so much hatred spewing from her that night. It was like that green puke from the Exorcist movie. I though this relationship was going to be about love and fun times and all that other candy-coated bubble gum stuff. This experience has taught me quite differently.

All those damn lies. ___!

[Sandman1881]

And she has the money to hire a goon to do it for her.

[Mutt]

My exBPD has reminded me (trigger) of three key people that have abused me during my lifetime. That in itself is a concern. But I am starting to examine the real reasons why I am/was so enamored by her. I couldn't stand up to those 3 during my childhood while being neglected and abused, and for the majority I couldn't stand up to her either.

Although I do miss the attention she gave me. And the fact that she had to crawl to someone new to rescue her from me makes me see her as ultimately weak and rather pathetic. A common nymph if you will and not unique, or special as I once saw her.

This was by far the most trauma I have experienced in my lifetime second only to the childhood abuse and neglect.

It's not a coincidence that I used the phrase "stick me" earlier. I feel if she comes back with intentions of finishing the job, she will surely take the most pleasure out of stabbing me to death. She told me about 5x that she believed that I would kill her some day. I would tell her to not say that and that I didn't like when she said that and I would never do that to her. I now wonder if she was projecting onto me how she really felt and her true ultimate intentions. Something like "If I don't need you nobody does." There was just so much hatred spewing from her that night. It was like that green puke from the Exorcist movie. I though this relationship was going to be about love and fun times and all that other candy-coated bubble gum stuff. This experience has taught me quite differently.

No doubt these relationship experiences are incredibly difficult to cope with and the breakup devastating. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood and your exBPD vitriol. That's tough  

You have a PO. What advise did the police provide for your safety and protection? Did they give you contact numbers and information?

Often during my uBPDex's dissociative phase and her borderline rages my intuition told me this doesn't sound or feel like her anger stems from something I did and it felt like it was anger directed to a parent or caretaker. I found myself feeling this way on more than one occasion. After the split and the more I read about the disorder and psychology I think it's transference as your title suggests.

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood."[1] Another definition is "the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object."[2] Still another definition is "a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person ... .for the original object of the repressed impulses."[3] Transference (German: Übertragung) was first described by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patient's feelings. The inclusion of "inappropriate" in the first definition notwithstanding, transference is normal and does not constitute underlying pathology in itself; it is only inappropriate when patterns of transference lead to maladaptive thoughts, feelings or behaviours.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

[Elpis]

Such an interesting definition of transference--I know I felt like my uBPDh was not even talking to me even though the words were specifically aimed to take me out at the knees. He would ball his fists and clench his jaw and narrow his eyes and look off somewhere else while he was raging. A few times I tried to get him to look at me when he was talking, thinking then he would realize I was a real person and take him out of that weird place he'd go to. He said in a vulnerable moment that he knew he got that raging from his mother. But now I wonder if that wasn't also who he was really raging at, his crazy mother who beat him with a yardstick when he was 4 because he spewed up the crushed aspirin she gave him straight without putting it in something first. He kept going back to that story over the years.

I too am sorry for the neglect and abuse you suffered as a child, Sandman. That's beyond what a kid knows how to deal with, and I've read that we often find the same type of person to have relationship with in the hopes of making it turn out better this time--but it can't. We don't have that sort of control, only power over our own actions.

If I knew what an OP or a PO was I have forgotten... .but that's really scary to think someone tried to hurt you that badly!

Why do you think you're Narcissistic?

[hope2727]

Yup the first true rage I witnessed he called me his ex wife's name, told me I wasn't going to steal his kids (we have none they do), told me I wasn't going to steal his house (he has none they do) blah blah blah. He was screaming at her but I was the emotional punching bag. When I would redirect him and say I think you are thinking of (ex-wife's name) he would look at me pause, seem confused then continue. They can't seem to face their true tormentors so they target us as they know we are a safe place to vent and we will forgive them.

He also would be hurt by his uNPD friend who is emotionally abusive to him and then come home and take it out on me. Once and awhile I would clue in and tell him if you are mad at your bromance go take it out on him but don't you dare punish me for him being a jerk. It usually worked quite nicely.

Sorry you endured all this. Sorry we all did. I sure hope there is a happy ending at the end of this tunnel. I am felling pretty low at the moment with the holidays coming. I miss him. Not is rages mind you but the joy we shared.

I hope you all are doing ok today and manage to find some peace and joy.