Was the ex "The Dream Girl " ?

[guy4caligirl]

I wonder if the ex was the "dream girl ". Or it was just a dream ?

Was it ?

[peiper]

It was a fantasy. In actuality it was a horror movie.

[guy4caligirl]

Endless movie 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I wish she was a dream, and not real.

Then I could've woken up and she'd be vaporized, someone who never existed in my life.

[Shibuya]

she was like IKEA furniture, she looked good and lasted awhile, but was built really ___ty.

[billypilgrim]

She certainly pretended to be the dream girl.  She was into to everything I was.  She loved everything about who I was.  She adopted my values, political ideas, interests, etc.  But that was temporary.  Soon those things eroded over time and she began to change.  I would get glimpses of that "dream girl" throughout the relationship - I'm pretty sure that's what kept me around - but it never lasted as that's not actually who she is.  Whoever that actually is.

[peiper]

She certainly pretended to be the dream girl.  She was into to everything I was.  She loved everything about who I was.  She adopted my values, political ideas, interests, etc.  But that was temporary.  Soon those things eroded over time and she began to change.  I would get glimpses of that "dream girl" throughout the relationship - I'm pretty sure that's what kept me around - but it never lasted as that's not actually who she is.  Whoever that actually is.

That's it exactly. Mine was a through and through liberal when we meant but after awhile she started voicing my conservative ideology. At the time I thought cool. Now I realize she was mirroring me.

[PaintedBlack28]

Yes, in many ways.

[HappyNihilist]

I wonder if the ex was the "dream girl ". Or it was just a dream ?

What do you mean exactly by "dream girl"?

Are you wondering if she was your "one true love," soulmate, The One, etc.?

Or are you asking if she was the embodiment of your fantasies?

Or both?

There are reasons why we might wonder these things about our exes.

The "soulmate bond" feeling-- There are a lot of things working together to make this. These relationships are emotionally intense and everything just feels "more" somehow. Mirroring can make you seem more compatible than you are -- pwBPD are very adaptable according to what their partner is presenting/projecting. pwBPD borrow aspects of others to build up themselves, and in doing so they idealize their partner's strength... .this creates a false "soulmate" feeling.

And, most importantly for our own healing, we have unhealthy compatibilities with our exes. The bond with a pwBPD is formed from mutual neediness. Our exes fulfilled certain deep needs inside us, which made that "soulmate" feeling even stronger.

The "embodiment of fantasy" feeling-- Again, pwBPD are very adaptable... .it's one of the keys to their survival. They do best in relationships where their partner has an idea of reference about the pwBPD. In other words, the partner has a preconceived idea of who the pwBPD "should be" or "really is," and projects those expectations both consciously and subconsciously onto the pwBPD. This is manna from heaven for the pwBPD, who has no stable sense of self -- someone is telling them who to be!

Of course, they can't sustain that forever. No one can. But by the time the "mask" comes off, we have already convinced ourselves that this person is our fantasy come to life.

The truth is that this BPD "false self" lacks the ability to attach or bond in an authentic, healthy, adult way. So was it "just a dream"? In a way, yes.

[hergestridge]

Interestingly, me exwife was never my dream girl. I was never crazy about her. I was mildly interested and then everything went way too fast, fueled by her ultimatums and dramas. Being a pleaser, rescuer and avoiding conflict at any cost, I stayed. From that position I eventually came to like and even love her later as we lived together for a very long time.

Before and after my 20 year BPD relationship I have been madly in love, but it never like that with my BPDxw.

[.cup.car]

she was like IKEA furniture, she looked good and lasted awhile, but was built really ___ty.

10/10

[Infern0]

For a while yeah.

the first few months honestly she was perfect imo,  don't get me wrong there were flaws but I loved her flaws.

Sadly that person was a fake,  staged act from a person I can't really begin to describe.

[parisian]

I had a nightmare once... .it lasted 1.5 years:

I dreamnt that my girlfriend was verbally abusive including screaming at me in a restraunt on Valentines day, could not show an ounce of empathy, could not care less about my feelings or even my day, could not laugh or make jokes with me, was dismissive about my asking things of her, had to correct every single comment I made, repeatedly told me what I was 'doing wrong' with simple things like opening a cookie box, ignored me when we went out with her friends, put beer ahead of me every time, defacated and vomited in the bed when she was drunk, lied about what she was doing, was ultra-secretive about everything in her life... .'

oh wait. that was real... .

Write out a list of all the terrible, awful things she did, read that out aloud, and then ask yourself if that was really your ':)ream Girl', or was it rather the imaginary girl you had in your head about how you hoped and wished she would be?   

Dream girl was the one you saw for 2 seconds before the BPD monster came and stole her away. THAT girl will never return... . 

[hergestridge]

I had a nightmare once... .it lasted 1.5 years:

I dreamnt that my girlfriend was verbally abusive including screaming at me in a restraunt on Valentines day, could not show an ounce of empathy, could not care less about my feelings or even my day, could not laugh or make jokes with me, was dismissive about my asking things of her, had to correct every single comment I made, repeatedly told me what I was 'doing wrong' with simple things like opening a cookie box, ignored me when we went out with her friends, put beer ahead of me every time, defacated and vomited in the bed when she was drunk, lied about what she was doing, was ultra-secretive about everything in her life... .'

oh wait. that was real... .

Write out a list of all the terrible, awful things she did, read that out aloud, and then ask yourself if that was really your ':)ream Girl', or was it rather the imaginary girl you had in your head about how you hoped and wished she would be?   

Dream girl was the one you saw for 2 seconds before the BPD monster came and stole her away. THAT girl will never return... . 

Dream girl shat the bed! what the heck? 

It truly is our ability to ignore what's going on that is our problem. Or at least our failure to act upon what is going on in an adequate way.

[Infern0]

I had a nightmare once... .it lasted 1.5 years:

I dreamnt that my girlfriend was verbally abusive including screaming at me in a restraunt on Valentines day, could not show an ounce of empathy, could not care less about my feelings or even my day, could not laugh or make jokes with me, was dismissive about my asking things of her, had to correct every single comment I made, repeatedly told me what I was 'doing wrong' with simple things like opening a cookie box, ignored me when we went out with her friends, put beer ahead of me every time, defacated and vomited in the bed when she was drunk, lied about what she was doing, was ultra-secretive about everything in her life... .'

oh wait. that was real... .

Write out a list of all the terrible, awful things she did, read that out aloud, and then ask yourself if that was really your ':)ream Girl', or was it rather the imaginary girl you had in your head about how you hoped and wished she would be?   

Dream girl was the one you saw for 2 seconds before the BPD monster came and stole her away. THAT girl will never return... . 

Dream girl shat the bed! what the heck? 

It truly is our ability to ignore what's going on that is our problem. Or at least our failure to act upon what is going on in an adequate way.

":)ream girl shat the bed"

Bro seriously what the heck is wrong with us, hahaha

Made my day

[parisian]

Dream girl shat the bed! what the heck? 

It truly is our ability to ignore what's going on that is our problem. Or at least our failure to act upon what is going on in an adequate way.

*mbarrassed* yes hergestridge. I've never been with anyone who vomited in the bed, let alone was so drunk they defacated in it. It was only once (but once is enough for anyone). I had to put her in the shower, the sheets in the washer and then remake the bed. She was completely smashed. Next day I just got a text saying sorry she was such a mess. Shame on me though for not setting a boundary. I don't think she even realised that is what actually happened. I didn't want to embarass her   should have let her know it was a massive boundary breach and that she needed to do something serious about her drinking. In reality that will never happen though - her enabler friends are all her drinking buddies. She won't slow down or stop b/c that would mean letting go of some friendships. I know some of them use drinking to self-soothe and my ex was a big drinker. She almost got in serious trouble from her drinking once - sexual harassment claim but the person didn't lodge it. I can't help or rescue her. Sadly it will take her getting herself into a dangerous or legally bad situation before she changes that habit. But I can assure you, I will never again share a bed again with someone who gets so drunk that is what happens.  

[parisian]

":)ream girl shat the bed"

Bro seriously what the heck is wrong with us, hahaha

Made my day

not so dream girl huh?

[fred6]

Dream Girl in my head maybe. However, the feeling obviously wasn't mutual. About 2.5 years in, she started saying, "we have nothing in common". What the heck? Isn't that something you figure out in the first few months of a relationship? Not 2.5-3 years into a relationship. In the end, the dream turned into nothing but wasted time