When all went downhill... or: what exactly happened?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am detaching lately. With some interuptions and ups but nevertheless. I’m coming out of the FOG which feels great. But there’s one thing I still can’t put my finger on it.

Some days before she cut me off completely we were out drinking, already broken up but friends. Or at least as I would put this. Weeks before some stupid argument had occured: a friend of me had committed suicide and I wanted to spend time with my exBPDgf when she told me that she feels like I want her to only orientate about me, that she needed to make her life depending on me and that she always needed to fit my expectations and wishes.  But that’s not true actually, it was always the other way round. Of course at the time my friend had died I was being a bit desperate and asked straight forward if I at least could see her one day and that it wasn’t nice of her to react in such a harsh way. She accused me of being impertinent and that friends wouldn’t behave like that. So after that she said we would remain in contact but aren’t friends right now and that we should see what the future brings. After this incident we saw each other many times, spent lots of times comforting each other. Then at some point I told her „You have to let me go at some point. It’s the best for you and me.“ I was not being mean, I was just being honest in the most compassionate way. At that point I already knew I’d only enable her behaviour. But then she hugged and stroked me and told me „NO! I will never ever let you go. I will not let you get out of my life! I want you to stay in there. YOu are very important to me! Even if I have to send you thousands of messages each day when you are going to withdraw!“ So I read that in her saying „We still are friends and you matter so much to me.“

After that we didn’t see each other for some days but I wrote her a message when she was being cold again when I finally said „I feel like you haven’t been too eager about our friendship lately. I respect that and I won’t be mad at you if you don’t want to be friends anymore but you just need to tell me.“ (At that point I just wanted out of all of this). And then hell broke loose. She wrote „Well, you know… I’ve told you before that we aren’t friends right now and that only time will tell.“ In a very angry way. I was feeling so embarrassed and I wrote „I’m sorry I am being so presumptuous and assumed we were friends. How embarrassing… Maybe it’s for the best you are leaving [she told me she’d be leaving for another city in some month]. Please just forget about me.“ Then the rages began and I don’t know exactly why. She wrote something along „What kind of crap are you pulling now?“ when I just wanted to get out already. After that there were some other stupid text messages where she accused me of being impertinent again when actually she was the one being cruel and going another extra mile to hurt me but in short: I think that was the point when she really painted me black and cut me off.

What happened that day? Did she feel abandonded when I told her to forget about me? Or had I triggered her fear of abandonment already when I told her the other days that she needed to let me go at some point?

But ever since she hates me. I really could feel that that was the turning point and I was being painted black. And it’s fine. I’m not trying to make her love me again. I just want to understand if there really were some underlying fears of abandonment or if I really was being the *sshole when telling her that it would be better for her to let go of me.

[misty_red]

I am detaching lately. With some interuptions and ups but nevertheless. I’m coming out of the FOG which feels great. But there’s one thing I still can’t put my finger on it.

Some days before she cut me off completely we were out drinking, already broken up but friends. Or at least as I would put this. Weeks before some stupid argument had occured: a friend of me had committed suicide and I wanted to spend time with my exBPDgf when she told me that she feels like I want her to only orientate about me, that she needed to make her life depending on me and that she always needed to fit my expectations and wishes.  But that’s not true actually, it was always the other way round. Of course at the time my friend had died I was being a bit desperate and asked straight forward if I at least could see her one day and that it wasn’t nice of her to react in such a harsh way. She accused me of being impertinent and that friends wouldn’t behave like that. So after that she said we would remain in contact but aren’t friends right now and that we should see what the future brings. After this incident we saw each other many times, spent lots of times comforting each other. Then at some point I told her „You have to let me go at some point. It’s the best for you and me.“ I was not being mean, I was just being honest in the most compassionate way. At that point I already knew I’d only enable her behaviour. But then she hugged and stroked me and told me „NO! I will never ever let you go. I will not let you get out of my life! I want you to stay in there. YOu are very important to me! Even if I have to send you thousands of messages each day when you are going to withdraw!“ So I read that in her saying „We still are friends and you matter so much to me.“

After that we didn’t see each other for some days but I wrote her a message when she was being cold again when I finally said „I feel like you haven’t been too eager about our friendship lately. I respect that and I won’t be mad at you if you don’t want to be friends anymore but you just need to tell me.“ (At that point I just wanted out of all of this). And then hell broke loose. She wrote „Well, you know… I’ve told you before that we aren’t friends right now and that only time will tell.“ In a very angry way. I was feeling so embarrassed and I wrote „I’m sorry I am being so presumptuous and assumed we were friends. How embarrassing… Maybe it’s for the best you are leaving [she told me she’d be leaving for another city in some month]. Please just forget about me.“ Then the rages began and I don’t know exactly why. She wrote something along „What kind of crap are you pulling now?“ when I just wanted to get out already. After that there were some other stupid text messages where she accused me of being impertinent again when actually she was the one being cruel and going another extra mile to hurt me but in short: I think that was the point when she really painted me black and cut me off.

What happened that day? Did she feel abandonded when I told her to forget about me? Or had I triggered her fear of abandonment already when I told her the other days that she needed to let me go at some point?

But ever since she hates me. I really could feel that that was the turning point and I was being painted black. And it’s fine. I’m not trying to make her love me again. I just want to understand if there really were some underlying fears of abandonment or if I really was being the *sshole when telling her that it would be better for her to let go of me.

[downwhim]

Sounds like what I experienced too. A lot of push/pulling. I would say things about letting go and it would trigger his abandonment issues. I think it would be too hard for us to be friends. Too much history and pain involved. I would not want to hear about his latest rebound or what he is up to either. NC is the only way for me. Detaching and licking my wounds. I want to be in a healthy relationship and as long as I have contact with him I stay stuck in the whirlwind.