Coping Techniques when Replaced

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've not been around long, though I have posted a bit.  My wife of 2 years, partner of 6 left a month ago.  And while I'm still reeling and picking up the pieces, I've already been replaced by an ex.  I knew this was something that was going to happen based on what I have read and what my T had warned me about.  And honestly as badly as it hurt when I found out, it gave me a weird sense of relief.  It removed some of the guilt I felt for being responsible since my ex wrote me a list of 7 things that I did over 6 years that forced her to leave.  Finding out that I've been replaced is just one more thing that validates everything I've read and everything that my T has pointed me towards.

I've been able to handle myself most of the time.  Nights are hard.  I've tried a couple of mindfulness techniques.  And rationally, I understand that he's no different from myself.  And odds are given her previous relationships, he won't hold a candle to what I provided over 6 years.  But the heart is a stubborn thing and I find myself struggling at times with the thoughts of her being with another.  Aside from waiting all this crap out, anything else you guys do or think about to get over the hurt of being replaced?

[billypilgrim]

I've not been around long, though I have posted a bit.  My wife of 2 years, partner of 6 left a month ago.  And while I'm still reeling and picking up the pieces, I've already been replaced by an ex.  I knew this was something that was going to happen based on what I have read and what my T had warned me about.  And honestly as badly as it hurt when I found out, it gave me a weird sense of relief.  It removed some of the guilt I felt for being responsible since my ex wrote me a list of 7 things that I did over 6 years that forced her to leave.  Finding out that I've been replaced is just one more thing that validates everything I've read and everything that my T has pointed me towards.

I've been able to handle myself most of the time.  Nights are hard.  I've tried a couple of mindfulness techniques.  And rationally, I understand that he's no different from myself.  And odds are given her previous relationships, he won't hold a candle to what I provided over 6 years.  But the heart is a stubborn thing and I find myself struggling at times with the thoughts of her being with another.  Aside from waiting all this crap out, anything else you guys do or think about to get over the hurt of being replaced?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry man, that is very painful, been there.

One thing that helped me a lot was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and the list grew as the fog cleared, and I'd read it at times when I missed her or thought about her with someone else, over and over again, and fully associate to how shtty those things made me feel, and when I was done I was glad she was gone, and actually happy that some other guy had to put up with that sht now and not me.  We have mixed feelings towards our exes, obviously, if it was all bad we would have left early and this site wouldn't be necessary, so the key is to focus on the bad, accentuate it.

[Infern0]

It's hard.  I made the mistake of going straight to someone else.  That made things a hell of a lot worse so don't do that.

In the end I just had to grit my teeth and ride it out,  it does get better but it's not a quick process.  Stick with no contact and do whatever you need to do to get through the next few weeks.  When the fog clears up you can then tackle the fallout a bit better and make better decisions.

[Splitblack4good]

I'm hurting right this second so feel your pain I know my ex is out tonight with my replacement I was the one that ended it just couldn't take the false guilt or torment of her never ending needs anymore but she moved on within 12 hours ! She was starting to devalue me at the time anyway.she started going out with a new group of freinds and started getting bored I think but what gets me with boaderlines is they dramaticly change over night ! When she was with me she wanted the family life now she goin out with a coloured guy and group like goin to Afro bars and clubs how can they do this ?

[RPC101]

Agree 100%. I'm sitting here miserable at work and all I can imagine is her having a great time with the new guy, acting like I don't even exist. I know in my soul she's hurting, and that hurts me to an extent. But OP I feel your pain. Just remember we all have great days ahead and, as sad as it is, she will keep reliving this destructive cycle.

[Mutt]

You have good advice so far. What helped me was reading.

This one helped me.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I read many articles and it helped. I would re-read articles when I felt overwhelmed with pain. I felt pain all the time at this stage. I feel for members after they've been abandoned. It's not easy. Hang in there.


--Mutt

[peiper]

It's kinda like guys in combat, some other guy gets it and the first mental response is better him then I,  thank God. Try to be thankful, she's not your problem anymore. It's a viscous cycle that never ends, in fact in my case everytime was worse. Consider yourself walking wounded and go to the rear and heal bud.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It's kinda like guys in combat, some other guy gets it and the first mental response is better him then I,  thank God. Try to be thankful, she's not your problem anymore. It's a viscous cycle that never ends, in fact in my case everytime was worse. Consider yourself walking wounded and go to the rear and heal bud.

This is a great analogy.  And when they are out there with the replacement in the bars and the clubs - are they really having such a great time?  I doubt it - just compromising themselves mirroring up to someone they hardly know just to keep the emptiness and the pain away.  And when they are alone - they will blast the newbies phone with texts just like they did with yours.  Just to keep the pain away.  The pain you are feeling by being replaced - that is their legacy to you.  They kicked you where it really hurts just because they can and what do they care about that? Yes you are the fortunate one.  You are out.

[downwhim]

I figure he is doing all the things he did with me with her now... .including faking it when he is not having fun. I am sure it is exciting at first with this new "twin" of mine but she does not have 8 years with him and knows nothing about what she has gotten into... I say good luck. He will tailgate every driver in his way, swear at them too, call non stop and eventually be mad when she doesn't pick up, make her his famous spaghetti sauce, sit in the same place with the changer in his hand, order his kids around, and make passionate love to her to keep her interested (that part is sickening to me) but at the end of the day he is still borderline and the charm he starts out with will not be what he ends with... I can promise her that.

[Hawk Ridge]

I've been hurting too... .thanks for this

[Deeno02]

Im with HtH. My list has helped me greatly. That and no contact. I do have to prepare myself to see her again as she coaches my son, but it's minimal to no involvement. The pain is still there for the most part, but lessening as time goes by. She will never realize the love I had for her and her kids, but now that ship has sailed. My replacement needs to understand that his old college friend(her) aint the same person she was 26 years ago... good luck buddy... .

[billypilgrim]

Sorry man, that is very painful, been there.

One thing that helped me a lot was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and the list grew as the fog cleared, and I'd read it at times when I missed her or thought about her with someone else, over and over again, and fully associate to how shtty those things made me feel, and when I was done I was glad she was gone, and actually happy that some other guy had to put up with that sht now and not me.  We have mixed feelings towards our exes, obviously, if it was all bad we would have left early and this site wouldn't be necessary, so the key is to focus on the bad, accentuate it.

Thanks all.  The pain is starting to ease up, so long as I stay out the cyclical thinking of all of this.  It helps to think about how desperate she must be to be in need of a fix after a 6 year relationship.  I can't even think about being with someone else right now.  It wouldn't be fair to me and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the other person.  But what does she do?  Immediately jumps right into a relationship/fling with an ex.  Her first replacement (a mutual friend) was just a fantasy in her head that she used to leave me.  She realized this quickly and reached out to an ex fling.  Sure, it's painful to think about but if anything, it gives me one more reason to never take her back should I make her recycle list.  I was replaced twice in the span of a month.  She's got to be going through some ish if she needs a relationship (or whatever you call involvements with BPDs) that quickly after a 6 year relationship.  As she told one of her friends, she has never been alone.  She doesn't know how to be single.  Yuck.

And it's nice that I'm out.  I took your advice, FHTH, and that was a pretty effective exercise.  There were so many aspects about her behavior that I know I do not want in a partner.   She did and said so many things to me that I never would have tolerated from friends, family, or co-workers.  That exercise honestly made me question how the hell I got here in the first place.  6 years with someone that I shouldn't have spent 6 months with.  At least I'm out now, you guys are right, we really do become numb to it all. 

I just hate these stupid feelings that I still have for her.  I'm tired of caring about her and for her.  I'm tired of worrying about her.  I'm tired of thinking about her.  And most importantly, I'm tired of loving her.  She does not deserve anything else from me at this point.

[OutOfEgypt]

billypilgrim,

Unfortunately, when things hurt, they hurt.  I understand the rush to get over the feelings, but it's just going to hurt.  In fact, the pain is necessary and it serves to teach the lesson well, if you allow yourself to feel it, to stay far away from people like her.

The goal, however, is to avoid punishing yourself for and during all of this.  Ruminating, obsessing about it, spinning it over and over in your mind, are forms of self-punishment.  They are self-destructive alternatives to just feeling the anger and grief and sorrow and pain that is really in there.  With time and healing you gain more and more perspective.  I see how many other people my ex did this to, and I see her in a much clearer, and more distanced, light.