How are you all dealing with the Holiday triggers?

[downwhim]

OK, it happened. I went to my first Christmas party last night alone. I had to explain why I was no longer engaged and/or where my fiancé was. All in all it was fine. I talked with many of my office associates and the food was good. I ended up inviting a male friend in for a final glass of wine and told him the story about my break up two months ago. I cried for the first time. I have been so stoic. I have kept all inside. This site along with friends have helped me verbalize but I needed to let all that emotion out. My exbph hated crying. He would say it doesn't fix anything but for me last night I needed it. I text my friend and thanked him for listening. He sent me the nicest text back saying I am intelligent, fun and not to worry about needing to talk and cry... .My self esteem took such a hit with exBPD that his words were so appreciated. Really ok to grieve without guilt.

[bunnyrabit]

Well, the first time I had to spend the holidays alone I wanted to crawl in dark, cold hole in the ground and die in silence. This is about a decade ago. I lost everything at once, my gf, my friends and my job. One friend I had left (actually a co worker) invited me for new years eve. I was so reluctant to go because I somehow got it in my mind that they would look at me like I was some kind of space alien, havin to celebrate new years eve with a bunch of strangers. but I went anyway, mostly because I couldn't find a reasonable excuse to not go.

Anyway, upon arriving there I saw this smoking hot blonde sitting there in the couch and I could tell she was pleasantly surprised with my arrival, just as I was with meating her there. From then on I completely forgot about my fears and doubts I had just minutes before. Nothing ever happened between me and that girl but I had one of the best nights of my life.

[evilpepsi]

OK, it happened. I went to my first Christmas party last night alone. I had to explain why I was no longer engaged and/or where my fiancé was. All in all it was fine. I talked with many of my office associates and the food was good. I ended up inviting a male friend in for a final glass of wine and told him the story about my break up two months ago. I cried for the first time. I have been so stoic. I have kept all inside. This site along with friends have helped me verbalize but I needed to let all that emotion out. My exbph hated crying. He would say it doesn't fix anything but for me last night I needed it. I text my friend and thanked him for listening. He sent me the nicest text back saying I am intelligent, fun and not to worry about needing to talk and cry... .My self esteem took such a hit with exBPD that his words were so appreciated. Really ok to grieve without guilt.

We split up this past week on thanksgiving day. Next year will be a huge slap in the face reminder, as will every thanksgiving from that point on. Triggers? I think that day alone will be mire than enough... .

[fred6]

Hahaha, how am I dealing with the Holiday triggers? Two words - *Liquor and bpdfamily.com   Just kidding. No I'm not!



*Disclaimer-I am not a role model for your children or pets

[Elpis]

I find that when a Christmas song comes on the radio I just change the channel. I'm still excited to do the gifts for my family members and that sort of thing, but the idea of spending Christmas somewhere other than in the house with my uBPDh of decades just feels weird. All the things I would do to make the house look festive, all my old ways of living for years, those things just make me feel uncomfortable now. And we're still just separated, not even divorced.

It's hard to wrap my head around!

(and fred6, is there a problem with dealing with it that way? uh oh! )

[fred6]

(and fred6, is there a problem with dealing with it that way? uh oh! )

Maybe, maybe not. Not something that I wasn't already doing before all of this happened. I used to drink a lot in my younger days. So therefore I made a rule about 7-8 years ago. I can only drink once a week if I want to drink. Maybe after the 1st of the year I'll up that to once every two weeks,  

[peiper]

Actually I was always split black and her gone on holidays, so this is SOP

[downwhim]

What is it about borderlines that they have to ruin holidays? I remember renting a cabin in the mountains for Valentines day weekend to ski. He picked a fight a few days before and I was alone for the weekend. Brought my son and his friend up. ExBPD would not answer his phone. Finally said Valentines day is commercial. Well it is but why does he do this? Maybe he was cheating then too.

This Christmas I am staying out of the men's section for gifts, turning off the  tv when they show engagement proposals as my ring is now in a safety deposit box and decorating way less. I just want to get through the holidays... .

[Elpis]

Oh Fred, you're such an angel, I can tell! 

Downwhim, there definitely is something triggering about the holidays to a person suffering from BPD! I think there was at least one blowup from my uBPDh at every vacation or holiday with family, and I spent Valentine's Day alone eating the meal I had prepared because for whatever reason he had stormed off upstairs. I had somewhat of a sense of humor about his tantrums by then and was trying to not let his moods mess up my mood, I just felt like "this is pretty much to be expected!"

I texted him that dinner was ready and he replied "I'm not hungry." so I told him there would be leftovers in the fridge. He stormed grumpily down later and got himself a bowl of cereal. I don't know if he was punishing me or punishing himself, hard to say. I was just glad I got stuff I could just heat up and hadn't spent hours cooking!

The best thing we can do for ourselves is to get to the point where we can remind ourselves that whatever is going on with them is about THEM, not us, so we can go on with our lives. But it is so frustrating when we're going through it and we didn't realize what was going on.

[enlighten me]

I was triggered today. I went to buy a christmas card for my exgf  from our son. The mum ones were OTT. lots of gushy how wonderful they are which I wasnt really feeling. What triggered me was the mum cards were between the wife and the gf cards. I realised that I was alone and both my ex wife and exgf would be receiving cards like that and I would have nothing.

it upset me for a while but im over it now.

[Elpis]

I was triggered today. I went to buy a christmas card for my exgf  from our son. The mum ones were OTT. lots of gushy how wonderful they are which I wasnt really feeling. What triggered me was the mum cards were between the wife and the gf cards. I realised that I was alone and both my ex wife and exgf would be receiving cards like that and I would have nothing.

it upset me for a while but im over it now.

Oy. That IS hard.

I've always hated the mother's day cards etc. since none of them adequately expressed how I felt--there weren't any that said "To the mother who kinda let me grow up like a weed, hope it's as good a day as all those I had as your child!"

The first time I got together with friends after I had left my h, two of them were talking about how they're used to being alone now and really enjoy it, and when I heard the word "alone" I had this huge panic attack and had to go outside and walk around! It has become less scary of a word as I'm learning how to participate more fully in life than I was able to in my marriage.

But dang, those triggers just jump out and grab us by the throat, don't they? 

[enlighten me]

Yes so many triggers.

Maybe we should start our own line in cards. One which cuts out all the how wonderful they are bit.

I dont think my exs would like what I would really want to send though.

[Elpis]

Yup, i'm guessing my mother would have been less than receptive to my card choice either!

Here's an anniversary card for my uBPDh: "My husband. We sure have been married a long time." inside: blank.

[enlighten me]

From my sons to my exs.

Happy christmas mum. Hope you dont trigger today so I can have a nice day.

[Elpis]

From my sons to my exs.

Happy christmas mum. Hope you dont trigger today so I can have a nice day.

(sadly)

[Mutt]

I think you have a Hallmark moment

'tis the season. I'm a little stressed too. I have the kids this year. First year for ex not having them. I expect some drama Christmas Day. It's good to laugh a little.

Thanks enlighten me.

[enlighten me]

Glad youve got the kids mutt. Ive got my eldest this year but only get to visit the youngest christmas day. I dont have to deal with the exw but will have to see the exgf which will be upsetting especially if her boyfriends there.

Once I have that visit over then hopefully a stress free day of feasting and tv with my eldest.

my plan is just to have fun and not let the exs put a damper on the day. Its time to let our kids have a happy stress free xmas.

[Elpis]

I'm still clueless about what to do with Christmas.

Our oldest and her family are going away for Christmas, leaving one daughter and son-in-law and my uBPDh and our son who lives with him. I think my daughter and son-in-law would have left town but i'm already pet-sitting for the oldest. Nobody wants to be here for the first Christmas we've been split up!