Unsure of what my next move should be...

[tlw0057]

So glad to have found this site! I'll try to keep this short and sweet... .for about 12 years me and my ex? fiance have been on and off... .About 8 years ago he was diagnosed as bipolar, and was hospitalized for close to a month. He was on several different medications, which he has not been on for many, many years. I believe that diagnosis *could* be incorrect, based on his behaviors. He used to cut. His arms are full of gashes. He told me he did this because he "hurt me" and he didn't want to. This was after a long separation. He even carved my initials into his arm. However, went on to marry another woman and have a child with her. He abruptly left her, and then blamed her for him leaving saying it was her fault she didn't stop him. Fast forward to our current relationship, every few weeks he leaves me. Stays gone for weeks or months at a time. He gets angry over absolutely nothing. He left in June, and has been gone ever since. He left because he woke up and our 2 year old spilled chocolate milk and that made him irrationally angry at ME, so he abandoned us. During this six month time period every other week or so he comes crawling back to me begging me to be with him, I give him a chance, and then a week or two later, he dumps me again and acts like a totally different person. He literally is so in love with me one minute (has even bought an engagement ring 4 different times) and the next is gone and can't stand me, won't speak to me, etc. During this time he is actively looking for other women, when he gets caught he "feels bad" and will "never do it again". Most recently, two weeks ago, he begged for me back. I told him it was his last chance and he said he understood and that he was NEVER leaving me again and not messing with other females. I believed him this time. Well, Monday night he decides out of nowhere that he wants to be alone. Completely alone in all aspects. Here I am, thrown away like yesterdays trash yet again, for absolutely no logical reason. Just that morning he was telling me how much he loved me etc to dumping me and telling me I need to move out of our home with my 3 kids, even if I have to go to a shelter. He can be the sweetest man on the planet, and suddenly turns into a beast. I am emotionally beatdown. I have zero self-worth or self-esteem left. I am a stay at home mom also so that doesn't make this any easier on me. I know this cycle will continue, if he ever tries to come back, although he says he won't, this has been repetitive for 2 1/2 years now and has happened at the very least 50 times. I am exhausted. I need some tips on how to cope with this situation because I am just now realizing he is exhibiting traits of someone with BPD. I need support, because no one in my life understands just how bad it is and doesn't understand that telling me "just leave!" doesn't help. It's hard to leave someone who treats me so well one minute and hates me the next :/ I've probably left some things out, but hopefully my novel got the point across. 

[Mutt]

 

Hi tlw0057,

I would like to welcome you. You feel frustrated, exausted and confused with your partner's behavior. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. You're a SAHM with a toddler. How old are the other two kids? It's invalidating to you when people in real life tell you to "get out".

The recipe is not that simple. Your also dealing with a mental illness they may or may not see. Much of the acting out is behind closed doors and directed to the significant other and family.

I'm glad that you have found us tlw0057. Many members here can offer guidance and support. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. BPD can be difficult to detect. My ex was often diagnosed with depression and some are dignosed with Bi-Polar and not BPD as BP is insurable with companies and BPD isn't.

I'm not surprised he's asking you to move out with 3 kids. He has some hints of narcissim. I'm truly sorry for what you and the kids are going through

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I can relate when things are illogical with your SO and it wears down on your self-esteem and self-worth. I'm glad that you have found us tlw0057.

He's gone at the moment?

[tlw0057]

My other two are 4 and 6. He's gone right now. He's been back and forth for about 6 months. He came home for one day two weeks ago and ran again and has been gone ever since. I am trying to figure out if it is more bipolar than BPD. I can't tell because the same traits seem to appear in each so it's good to gain insight from both sides. Since posting he has been horrible to me, although I did block his number from texting or calling, and blocked him on facebook. He told me that when he was begging for me two weeks ago that he was just trying to feel in control of me, and that now he has the control to leave me and that's what he "wants to do" (I've heard this so many times I don't know what to believe anymore). I told him I just wanted to understand what was going on in his mind, and wondering if he understood that people typically don't do this type of stuff... .for no reason. He is unable to give me a logical reason for his behavior other than "because he can and I don't deserve an answer". I can't even get myself to cry anymore because I'm just that numb to being treated this way. I'm constantly left, treated horribly, like a monster, and then he comes back and tells me im his soul mate, he could never be without me, he loves me etc and I guess I stick around thinking this person is the person that he really is. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared to death me and my kids will end up homeless while he is one of his rages and kicks us out. I can't afford daycare for 2 so daycare is not an option, until my 4 year old goes to kindergarten at least. I feel so stuck in this chaos and I hate that I'm having to drag my kids through it too. We're all innocent but I am the one that has to pick up the pieces and struggle. I'm also having a major surgery in 10 days and he cares nothing about it. i have zero clue on how I will be able to take care of them afterwards. This is all so scary to me.

[Mutt]

My other two are 4 and 6. He's gone right now. He's been back and forth for about 6 months. He came home for one day two weeks ago and ran again and has been gone ever since. I am trying to figure out if it is more bipolar than BPD. I can't tell because the same traits seem to appear in each so it's good to gain insight from both sides.

No doubt your exhausted. I'm a single dad with 3 kids around your age and I do it half the time.

I'm not qualified to diagnose my ex. What I can do is protect myself from negative actions and behaviors of others. I look at traits and not a diagnosis. Is this behavior toxic? I'd it something that quantifies as good behaviors? Boundaries are is to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in.

His running away can be seen as a fear of abandonment? He comes back. That walking on eggshells feeling with the push / pull behavior. Stay away, come close! It's emotionally exhausting stuff and your support network likely doesn't understand these behaviors.

Since posting he has been horrible to me, although I did block his number from texting or calling, and blocked him on facebook. He told me that when he was begging for me two weeks ago that he was just trying to feel in control of me, and that now he has the control to leave me

W horrible behaviors can also be seen as "splitting" Splitting with a pwBPD is a subconscious primitive defense mechanism to protect him from anxiety and stress.

He has a difficult time seeing the gray areas in life and in people. He seems them as either "all white" or "all black" Another way to describe this is you are "overvalued" or "undervalued" When he's treating you horrible is he making things up to make you look bad?  :)oes he not see the good qualities when he's devaluating you?

Trying to control someone because you feel insecure, shame or guilt can be viewed as emotional blackmail. If you don't do X I'll punish you with Y.

I'm sorry to hear he's not showing you empathy with having to go to the hospital. That must be scary.

Do you have help from family and friends?

[DreamFlyer99]

OH MY GOODNESS, tlw!

You must be exhausted! I can only imagine. Your relationship is more like having 4 kids and the oldest one is acting out very badly.

I recently read a workshop written by a pwBPD who is nearly recovered, about what it's like to love when you have BPD. Intensity seems to be the key ingredient--they love or they hate but they're never indifferent. And since the relationship is about getting their own needs met, there won't be much understanding of what you might be going through as a result of their actions.

That must be scary, having surgery and wondering how you're supposed to deal with the recovery process. I was wondering too, like Mutt asked, do you have any friends or family who can help you?

It must be so incredibly hurtful, being expected to do everything on your own while he enjoys having you when he's home but then is able to leave as he wishes. I'd imagine you feel pretty disrespected by that since it works out to you being the loving caretaker of your children, and then that's what your ex-fiancé wants from you when he's home, for you to be HIS loving caretaker. Who takes care of your needs?

I found that so frustrating myself with my uBPDh, that lopsided relationship. I loved taking care of others, and have loved raising my kids, doing foster care, having my kids' friends stay if they needed, all that. But it's not a wild and crazy thought that our partners should be helping us when we need it, it's just that someone who is self-involved for whatever reason isn't going to be looking at us and noticing when we need help. And then for me, a lot of the time my husband would get angry if I asked for help.   

We moms tend to nurture everyone but us. I was late to understanding boundaries. I didn't realize I could set some standards for how I was treated and not accept his mean or uncaring behaviors, since like Mutt said boundaries are for us, to protect us and keep us safe. I didn't understand that I was actually in charge of keeping myself safe and my kids safe from the chaos, and that's one regret I have.

Whose house do you live in? Is it his, that he could actually tell you to leave? Honestly, talking to someone at a local shelter wouldn't be a bad idea, i'm pretty sure they offer free counsel to women in just this sort of uncertain circumstance. And they could give you some ideas of how to protect you and your kids from the chaos.

Diagnosis doesn't matter as much as looking at the behaviors, just like Mutt said. Whatever those behaviors are of your ex fiancé, it's important to take a step back and look at their effect on you and your children. Does it bring stability or instability? Do you and the children feel built up by it or torn down. Does it build confidence in you and the children or is everybody beginning to feel less than important and unsure of yourselves?

No matter what is going on in another person's head, our job is to take care of those we are responsible for, and that's your children and yourself. As moms we often forget we need to be in good mental and physical health to take care of those precious little ones, and that's why it's so important we take care of ourselves. It's like the flight attendants telling us to put our own oxygen mask on first before our children, because if we're fainted on the floor we're no good for anyone!

Dealing with someone who is self-involved is exhausting too, I did that myself for many years.

What are a couple of things you could do this week to take care of yourself?

[livednlearned]

Hi tlw,

It's really hard to be a stay-at-home mom with three little kids and worry about the stability of your relationship. That in itself is tough. It sounds like the kids are from another father? How are they doing with the turbulence your guy brings to the home?

My ex has a family history of bipolar -- his mother is dx'd and treated, and three of five uncles on his dad's side were bipolar. I suspect my ex was diagnosed at some point before we met (based on medications he had been prescribed), and he had manic episodes that my therapist said sounded like dysphoria -- starting big projects at midnight and getting no sleep for days. He didn't have the "happy" mania, though, just full on dysphoria, which is manic irritability. "Irritability" is an understatement  . No way would he ever admit there was something "wrong" with him, so the bipolar diagnosis is just a guess.

I understand the desire to try and make sense of things by having a correct diagnosis. It's what a lot of us here want.

But similar to what you're describing, bipolar didn't explain all of my ex's behavior. It wasn't until after I left my marriage that I discovered BPD. What helped me the most was finding a peer group who was experiencing the same behaviors I was, and even more so, they had a lot of tendencies in common with my own. Your guy might be co-morbid, and have both bipolar and BPD. But in terms of finding your way and figuring out what you want, this site is an important key. If you're here, it's probably for a very good reason, no matter whether your ex is dx'd with BPD or not.

For me, there was an intense period when I tried to figure out whether my ex's behavior was from alcohol, pills, bipolar, a combination of all of them, etc. I'm embarrassed how many hours and days and weeks and months and years I spent trying to figure out why he behaved the way he did. Meanwhile, my son was falling apart from the behavior and I spent very little time supporting him the way he needed. I was falling apart too, working full-time, going to school full-time, and basically being a single parent of my son, while trying to hold our home together. I have so much regret about how focused on my ex I was during those years. It solved nothing, and only prolonged the inevitable.

I think we try to understand what causes our partners' behavior because our hope is that it will provide an answer and our partners will seek treatment and get better, and we can all get on with our lives. But the nature of BPD makes it extremely unlikely (although it does happen) that they will seek help just because someone has a label. More often, like other types of destructive habits (alcoholism, gambling, substance abuse) they have to hit rock bottom and actually admit their lives is unmanageable, and something is seriously wrong with them. Only then is there a good chance of long-term change, and only with intensive therapy many times a week, sometimes twice a day, for years.

The hard truth I learned for myself is that even if my ex wanted to get better, the last person who could be involved in his recovery was me. People who stay in relationships with BPD sufferers tend to have very weak boundaries, and are tolerant and forgiving and accommodating to a fault. Our own self esteem gets worn down until we can barely look ourselves in the mirror. BPD sufferers need to experience recovery with people who have excellent boundaries and are not emotionally intimate -- it's largely a disorder of emotional dysregulation, and that dysregulation worsens the more emotionally entangled they are with someone.

I'm not suggesting one way or another what you decide to do. I know all too well how hard it is to be a single parent, not just financially but in every other way. It took a lot of support from family and friends, plus a therapist, lawyer, psychiatrist, counselor for my son, and people at work and school who let me fall apart and provided a big safety net.

But I will say this: if you start working on your self-esteem and begin to take care of yourself, truly take care of yourself, and start the hard work of learning to feel whole and healthy, there is so much treasure on the other side. It's been the most painful thing I've ever been through, and the most rewarding. I barely recognize who I was four years ago when I left and took that first step over the cliff.

The big secret is that these BPD diagnoses have nothing to do with the other person. It's a secret way to learn what it means to be emotionally healthy, and how to create that for ourselves. You end up changing family scripts and giving your kids an amazing gift.

There's so much to learn here, from the resources but even more from peers. We've been where you are. We understand and care.

LnL