BPDexw not doing well and the FOG is dense

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex has been sectioned again under the mental health act, we've been separated for 6 months and we live apart, a long distance apart. She called me on the w/e, I didn't see my phone to make a decision to answer or not and she left me a message saying nothing much (hi, how are you) but the phone number in my mobile shows me it is was from her.

I'm not surprised, she needs help, she's been very unwell mentally and has psychotic episodes which means she is emotionally unavailable for long periods, no doubt when she gets out of hospital it will be my fault this happened to her and she will refuse to take her meds and her cycle will begin again ending in another trip to hospital.

I know how much she hates it in hospital, she cries to me when she is well about how much she hates it and I know she will be feeling scared and angry this has happened, she won't be reflecting on herself but looking for others to blame, and the principal name on that list will be mine. But still I feel so bad she is there, my urge is to contact her and try and comfort her somehow although I know I will only end up feeling terrible and she will scream at me. I feel like this nightmare, the nightmare of her constant intake into hospitals will never end until she faces up to the fact she has a problem but still I feel so depressed that this has happened to her again and I can't help her. I can't move on with my life, I don't want anyone else, I'm stuck in this life of going to work, coming home, doing nothing, going to work and I between times crying about our failed marriage. I don't see the point in carrying on in this endless pain, angry with her/hurt because of her and wishing all the time that she'd just see the light. This pain doesn't just affect me, but her family too who have the burden of caring for this person and they are also angry at me as they think I should not have left. She was someway better while she was with me but not better enough, she would never admit to being ill, it is all of us who are wrong and she who is right, it's a nightmare and I can't escape.

Part of me tells myself she is my obligation, I married her and I do care that she is unwell, but I've tried for years to help her and she won't help herself and it brings pain on all of us. It's got to the point where I'm attending church daily hoping that god or someone is going to take this mental anguish from me, I can't feel right with myself, I'm conflicted, maybe an unhappy life of momentary fleeting care from her is better than the torture I endure from my own mind. I wish I could solve this.

[Trog]

My ex has been sectioned again under the mental health act, we've been separated for 6 months and we live apart, a long distance apart. She called me on the w/e, I didn't see my phone to make a decision to answer or not and she left me a message saying nothing much (hi, how are you) but the phone number in my mobile shows me it is was from her.

I'm not surprised, she needs help, she's been very unwell mentally and has psychotic episodes which means she is emotionally unavailable for long periods, no doubt when she gets out of hospital it will be my fault this happened to her and she will refuse to take her meds and her cycle will begin again ending in another trip to hospital.

I know how much she hates it in hospital, she cries to me when she is well about how much she hates it and I know she will be feeling scared and angry this has happened, she won't be reflecting on herself but looking for others to blame, and the principal name on that list will be mine. But still I feel so bad she is there, my urge is to contact her and try and comfort her somehow although I know I will only end up feeling terrible and she will scream at me. I feel like this nightmare, the nightmare of her constant intake into hospitals will never end until she faces up to the fact she has a problem but still I feel so depressed that this has happened to her again and I can't help her. I can't move on with my life, I don't want anyone else, I'm stuck in this life of going to work, coming home, doing nothing, going to work and I between times crying about our failed marriage. I don't see the point in carrying on in this endless pain, angry with her/hurt because of her and wishing all the time that she'd just see the light. This pain doesn't just affect me, but her family too who have the burden of caring for this person and they are also angry at me as they think I should not have left. She was someway better while she was with me but not better enough, she would never admit to being ill, it is all of us who are wrong and she who is right, it's a nightmare and I can't escape.

Part of me tells myself she is my obligation, I married her and I do care that she is unwell, but I've tried for years to help her and she won't help herself and it brings pain on all of us. It's got to the point where I'm attending church daily hoping that god or someone is going to take this mental anguish from me, I can't feel right with myself, I'm conflicted, maybe an unhappy life of momentary fleeting care from her is better than the torture I endure from my own mind. I wish I could solve this.

[Mutt]

It's not your fault.

I thought about this long and hard. I care for my ex wife. I see her as a person. Mental illness is really tough.

I don't wish borderline personality disorder on anyone. I'm sorry that she's mentally ill and I wish she didn't have it because I think she's a person with good qualities.

I'm simply a person. I'm pretty good at problem solving. I had always thought there's a solution to every problem until BPD.

What BPD taught me is that my love can't cure it, my love isn't above it. Now, I loved this person and I still care.

This is from my personal beliefs. I had to turn to god because I don't have an answer. I asked god to look after her and help her get help because sometimes there are no answers in life and I'm not above this.

I had to let go and let god.

I'm sorry to hear your ex is having a hard time. I'll pray.

You did your best Trog. It's not your fault.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Trog, Sometimes we have to accept our limitations.  There is only so much one can do for a pwBPD without doing serious damage to oneself.  Like Mutt, I consider myself pretty good at problem solving (which is what I do at work).  Once I figured out that my Ex had BPD, I thought that I could "crack the nut" so-to-speak, and get to the bottom of her issues.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but eventually got worn down by the disorder.  I learned that BPD is much bigger and far more complex than I had initially thought.  I echo Mutt: it's not your fault.  You didn't cause her BPD and you can't cure it, either.  Hang in there, LuckyJim