Wrong to think the way I do

[Panther123]

I see lots of messages from people about how they have a hard time with NC, want their xBPD back, etc.

Is there something wrong with me?  I don't ever want to see that crazy b**ch again in my entire life.  Her antics, push/pull, bad mouthing stuff has left me feeling no love for her at all and no desire to interact, ever.

Sometimes I feel like a cold person with no heart, but, then I remember all the bad stuff she did and tell myself it is not okay to be with someone like that. 

I do feel bad for her.  I even forgive her because I truly believe she cannot control herself.  Does that make me want to be with her... .NOPE, never.  I deserve better than that and will not accept it anymore from anyone, even if I love them.

Good luck to all of you!

[clydegriffith]

That's perfectly normal and i'm in the same boat as you are. I can see how someone that was with a BPD person for years and years will have trouble making sense of everything but if you were with someone for just a few months and it didn't work out count your blessings and move on.

I am here because i had the extreme misfortune of having a child with a BPD. I have to maintain contact with her from time to time and given that she has my child she still has some of that control that they crave over me and i need the support. Even though the things i went through with this woman were absolute hell had there been no child i wouldn't have had to go to therapy or anything like that. Just would have been done with it. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

A lot of it depends on how messed up you were before the borderline, what kind of abuse you suffered and how you coped with it, and how long you were with them. Also, how well your healing is going. There is nothing wrong with struggling with it. People just still believe the lie that they can live happily ever after or that she can stop their pain. Me personally, I don't have any strong urges to talk to her, it would be masochistic to do so, and I'm pissed too, but at one point I HAD TO TALK TO HER, or I thought I might die.

[Infern0]

I don't have any hatred or anything towards mine but I just reached the conclusion that there isn't any way that it's going to work out between us and contact was just making me I'll.

I don't want to see or talk to her again, though god knows she's been trying frantically to break no contact

It's like you've got a boyfriend ffs just leave it alone.

[Raybo48]

There is nothing wrong with you, you just see it more clearly than most and are not addicted to your exBPD like many of us have been or still are.  Everything you described is 100% accurate and if you sit down and think about it you wouldn't even want someone like that as a friend let alone a "partner" so you are definitely not cold hearted about it.  What you have managed to do is draw concrete boundaries much sooner than most of us.   

Everyone is all caught up with "their replacement" usually and I've even found myself dwelling on that to some degree, but the main thing people need to convince themselves of is that the relationship with that other person is going to end up no differently than it did with us.  They don't suddenly get better just because they are with someone else, that much is certain.  The same pattern will occur no matter what.  Idealization/devaluation/discard, like clockwork.   

[Panther123]

Thanks for the comments, they are so appreciated.

I did have a realization, but it wasn't fast.  I stayed in my relationship at least 3 years longer than I should have, maybe more (together 5).  I only recently found the will to set my boundaries with lots of help from various therapists, writing a journal, meditation and bodywork like rolfing and reiki.

Was such a long and hard journey to find my faults (still on it) and to begin to fix them.  But I did have a revelation last month and I asked her to leave the house and broke off our engagement.  It happened right after we had sex and she started to call me the wrong name - the light bulb went on and BOOM I was a new Man.

I really appreciate this forum and wished I'd found it sooner, maybe I would've woken up earlier.

[Raybo48]

Thanks for the comments, they are so appreciated.

I did have a realization, but it wasn't fast.  I stayed in my relationship at least 3 years longer than I should have, maybe more (together 5).  I only recently found the will to set my boundaries with lots of help from various therapists, writing a journal, meditation and bodywork like rolfing and reiki.

Was such a long and hard journey to find my faults (still on it) and to begin to fix them.  But I did have a revelation last month and I asked her to leave the house and broke off our engagement.  It happened right after we had sex and she started to call me the wrong name - the light bulb went on and BOOM I was a new Man.

I really appreciate this forum and wished I'd found it sooner, maybe I would've woken up earlier.

I think we all 'wake up' at one point or another and all wish we would have sooner, but yea the wrong name is a major wake up call and props to you for not missing that one because some would have.  I had similar moments with my ex yet I decided to look the other way and try and convince myself it wasn't true and as it turned out all my gut feelings were true 100% of the time and I was just lying to myself. 

The relationship lasted for 3 years with my xBPDgf and it was about 2.75 years too long.  She was a full blown alcoholic when I met her and that compounded with her extreme BPD nature should have been enough to make me sprint for the hills, but I didn't.  I stuck around and let my co-dependency run my life and it got more ugly by the day with her.

I think we can all learn from you on this forum as much as you have learned from us.   Thanks again for sharing.

[downwhim]

Panther,

I find N/C hard because what I really want to do is scream and yell at him and tell him off. I am so very angry. I do not know what to do with this anger. I have not had my say. He just emailed the engagement if off, we are done and took off with some chick. I wasted 8 years. He emailed 11 times he wanted the ring back. I ignored him and have not heard from him since that day. He never mentioned wanting out before then.

It is not about the chick either, it is about how he discarded me.

That is why N/C. is difficult. I know he is wrong for me. I don't want to feel this pit in my stomach but I miss him and I don't want that either. It is sick I know. It is the good times, the companionship and the feeling someone is there for me I miss. I also do not want him to have the opportunity to know I hurt.   Three times recycled. I have not seen him in 9 weeks or had any contact. He snuck around behind my back.He is cruel and I am trying hard to get better. I hope this makes sense to you. I had no power and the only power I have now is to N/C but still does not solve the anger I feel toward him.

[Raybo48]

Downwhim,

You are not alone with it being difficult to stay N/C.  I fell off that wagon several times and right before I did I thought that I'd get my .02 in with her and I'd somehow feel vindicated.  Sadly, that never happened and she ended up having the upper hand every single time.  In my case it's because my BPDxgf has little to no empathy so the premise of actually getting through to her or making her feel bad about anything she did was an impossible task.  Heck, I knew that going in yet I still went for it and each time was more frustrated than before.   It's a biter pill to swallow the 'discarding' part and it's no easy thing to get over.   It still bugs me to this day.

[Deeno02]

Im almost indifferent. Almost. Still have my moments, but overall, its getting better for me. 4 months and some change in, and still have sadness. I dont ever want to see or hear from her ever again, but thats not possible yet as she coaches my son. Shes moved on and the replacement is doing his job. Havent seen or heard from her since. And I'm good with that

[downwhim]

Thanks Raybo,

You are right. He has no empathy either and he would be mean, cruel, rage and make me feel terrible. He wanted out. He got it without a fight. So, I remain N/C. I cannot win here at all so it is best to just keep taking steps forward and maybe one day I will be posting how damn happy I am again...