Did you ever feel like you were dying?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am returning home to my uBPDw after visiting my family for a few days after Christmas.  I stopped taking antidepressants a month or two back since I don't want to be so numb that I can tolerate a horrible relationship.  Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying.  If I had a heart attack After a few more weeks of this relationship, I wouldn't be surprised.  It's hard to imagine even being alive if I go through this for another year, yet I'm only in my mid-30s. 

Has anyone else felt like this?

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

[terranova79]

I am returning home to my uBPDw after visiting my family for a few days after Christmas.  I stopped taking antidepressants a month or two back since I don't want to be so numb that I can tolerate a horrible relationship.  Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying.  If I had a heart attack After a few more weeks of this relationship, I wouldn't be surprised.  It's hard to imagine even being alive if I go through this for another year, yet I'm only in my mid-30s. 

Has anyone else felt like this?

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

[CloseToFreedom]

When I was with her for a while, I felt suffocated and irritated. She would hate everything I did.

But now that I'm a month seperated, I feel like dying, yes. I feel like nothing even matters anymore. I am constantly depressed and feel sick, I don't eat well and smoke too much. Its like I almost can't breathe. I dream about her every night and wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. I often think about suicide, but won't go through with it. Sometimes I'm just sitting there crying, sometimes even holding a sharp knife. I don't use it. Its just the hopelessness of it all. I'm here left with the pieces, while she's impressing all my friends, the same ones she used to hate when she was with me.

I hope so much that I will come back alive, but I still have a long way to go.

[clydegriffith]

I never realy felt like i was dyiing but i often thought about how likely it would be that someone in my situation would just off themselves. Being cheated on with a dozen guys in a year and to have everyone know about it, forced fatherhood and the child support payments that come along with that and being arrested several times because of false DV allegations can really take a toll on a person mentally. Even more so given that all that happened in just about a year's time.

[lockedout]

I'm recently divorced after a two year separation. Myself and everyone on here who has had some time to heal felt like they were dying at one point.

You need to start from the basics. You have to realize that you were with someone who was not capable of love and everything you thought was wonderful about them in the beginning was a mirror image of you. They weren't wonderful: you were. terranova, you need to consider your mental health and well being and how important it is to be able to be there in your full capacity for your kids. Don't expect the uBPDw to ever be there as much as you are going to need to be. Also consider that you don't want your kids to grow up with  that kind of a dynamic in the household or to think that's what a healthy marriage is supposed to be like. Make an exit plan with quick being your priority. You'll live to fight another day. Maybe not if you try to hang on too much longer.

Closetofreedom: get back to the basics. You left. That's the biggest hurdle. Don't stay home thinking about it. Keep alcohol out of the house but don't be afraid to go out somewhere with atmoshpere, especially if some cute women are around; eye candy is much more therapeutic than it's given credit for. I used to look in the paper for things to do. I ended up going to a support group and a meditation group that I still go to. Exercise - a lot. I couldn't do a full mile before I left her. Now I'm training for a marathon. Get in touch with old friends - from before you were with her. Anyone she can impress isn't your friend. Take a trip somewhere. See a therapist. Feeling the way you do is normal but it doesn't have to last any longer than you let it. 

[billypilgrim]

We saw a marriage counselor a few months before she left.  At her request because she was upset with the relationship.  I did stuff with my friends too much.  Played soccer too much.  Played pool too much.  She was home alone.  I just remember having the "whatever it takes" attitude despite having felt attacked for doing the things I enjoy.  That she was invited to and even attended on occasion.  

But where I'm going with that is I felt like I kept giving up things about myself in order to make it work for her.  Parts of me were dying, little by little.  Our counselor must have picked up on this because she wanted to see individually.  That's when she told me I was depressed.  That hit me hard.  I had always been a happy, easy going guy.  I even had a stupid nickname from college, smiley, because I was generally pretty content.  It was at that moment that I realized how far away from that person I had gotten.  And I had no idea that it was my relationship that was causing me this pain.  I blamed it on work or whatever else I could think of as a source.  It was only after seeing my T after the b/u that I realized the real reason I was depressed.  And apparently depression is common amongst us nons.  I guess that's what happens when little pieces of you start dying in order to appease our insatiable partners.  

What's interesting though is that I immediately perked up after she left.  As odd as that sounds.  Sure, I dealt with a different kind of sadness.  But that was grief.  The depression lifted almost instantly.  It's like she took her dark cloud with her on the way out.  I immediately started doing all of the things that made me, me.  I got my old guitar back out.  Joined a second soccer team.  I'm going to concerts and shows of bands that I like.  I continued going out with friends only this time without guilt or having to check my phone for some sort of passive aggressive message.  I run a lot now.  I take my dog places.  Nothing is a production any more.  It just is.  And that's the best part of it all.  No more twisting and wriggling and planning the next thing that will make her happy.  Life is easier now.  And by chance, I actually met a really cool chick on a business trip last night.  Nothing will come of it but it feels so good to have someone interested in you for who you are.  It's hard to see that when you are going through the "I'm unlovable" stages of grieving.  

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and go through it.  Lockedout posted some awesome advice.  Get out there and live your life.  

[Trog]

When I was with her for a while, I felt suffocated and irritated. She would hate everything I did.

But now that I'm a month seperated, I feel like dying, yes. I feel like nothing even matters anymore. I am constantly depressed and feel sick, I don't eat well and smoke too much. Its like I almost can't breathe. I dream about her every night and wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. I often think about suicide, but won't go through with it. Sometimes I'm just sitting there crying, sometimes even holding a sharp knife. I don't use it. Its just the hopelessness of it all. I'm here left with the pieces, while she's impressing all my friends, the same ones she used to hate when she was with me.

I hope so much that I will come back alive, but I still have a long way to go.

Jeeeez, I remember that feelings. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I have good days and bad days and over time the good days outweigh the bad and then they become only a couple a week and then only a couple a month and then just slivers of time now and then and you are able to hold the reality of what this was as the first thought in your mind.

I'm really sorry you are feeling that way, I don't think there is any quick fix, the emotions will be and the working thru will happen but the best advice I can give anyone and sometimes still have to give myself is totally focus on you and focus on now. Try not to play the mental movies of the past and projections of the future you have lost. There is so much going on right now, a sunny day, a good friend who comforts you, children, animals, nature, it may all sound trite now but try to focus on your part in all this rather than theirs as its a positive healing action and in the end you can never 100% understand them or why they do what they do. Also do thing you love, ive bought myself a ps4, new clothes, good food, I treat myself better than ever, this is how we should be all the time, beginning these fresh new habits will help

[kerin]

I am returning home to my uBPDw after visiting my family for a few days after Christmas.  I stopped taking antidepressants a month or two back since I don't want to be so numb that I can tolerate a horrible relationship.  Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying.  If I had a heart attack After a few more weeks of this relationship, I wouldn't be surprised.  It's hard to imagine even being alive if I go through this for another year, yet I'm only in my mid-30s.  

Has anyone else felt like this?

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

Yes, I have felt that exact thing Terranova.  The tight chest and thinking you may have a heart attack, it's the extremely high levels of anxiety which make you just feel like you are going to drop dead. It's a vile feeling so you have my deepest sympathies.

I too had also been on high dose antidepressants and lived in a numb fog for a few years, it was the only way I could cope. I stopped taking them when my dearly loved uncle died and I realised that I didn't feel any natural grief. It came when my mind came back after I stopped the antidepressants. The anxiety went through the roof which was a horrible shock after being numb for so long, it's a kind of rebound effect of stopping, but it did settle down. Yours will too as your body adjusts. Please look after yourself in the meantime, and you will find your coping skills do improve with time.

[Rise]

Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying... .

Has anyone else felt like this?

Sounds somewhat like a panic attack. I've had two of them in my life, and both times I legitimately thought I was dieing. Have you considered talking to a doctor about this?

[Indyan]

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

I feel the same and this is killing me so to speak. I often feel my life is doomed, that he will always be out there to try and destroy me, that I will never feel free again.

I feel on a death row to be more precise.

[Splitblack4good]

Ther were times that I was sat in front of her after having an argument and she would just be sat ther pouting staring into space or she would beg to go round ther to reconcile and then be silent but project on me it was times like that I started to judge my own mental state and I even remember saying to her I want to die I want to have a heart attack right now ! She had projected her own want to die due to her  emptiness one at that point .

I miss my ex and I still love her but after rembering things like this now and others posting topics similar to this one I'm realising how mentally toxic she is and how I would of ended up mentally ill if I had carried on the relaitionship . My replacement I'm sure will be posting on here 6-18 months from now .

[clydegriffith]

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

I feel the same and this is killing me so to speak. I often feel my life is doomed, that he will always be out there to try and destroy me, that I will never feel free again.

I feel on a death row to be more precise.

I agree with the notion that this would be much much easier if i didn't have a child with the BPDx. It would have been good riddance but because of the kid she still has some sort of control over me and i absolutely hate it.

[Blimblam]

Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying... .

Has anyone else felt like this?

Sounds somewhat like a panic attack. I've had two of them in my life, and both times I legitimately thought I was dieing. Have you considered talking to a doctor about this?

Yeah it sounds like a panic attack. Like your falling to your death over and over but you don't die and you just wish you would becAuse it would be less painfull. If your having panic attacks please try to set up your lifestyle to accommodate them. They can be potentially debilitating.

[parisian]

You need to start from the basics. You have to realize that you were with someone who was not capable of love and everything you thought was wonderful about them in the beginning was a mirror image of you. They weren't wonderful: you were. terranova, you need to consider your mental health and well being and how important it is to be able to be there in your full capacity for your kids. Don't expect the uBPDw to ever be there as much as you are going to need to be. Also consider that you don't want your kids to grow up with  that kind of a dynamic in the household or to think that's what a healthy marriage is supposed to be like. Make an exit plan with quick being your priority. You'll live to fight another day. Maybe not if you try to hang on too much longer.

Closetofreedom: get back to the basics. You left. That's the biggest hurdle. Don't stay home thinking about it. Keep alcohol out of the house but don't be afraid to go out somewhere with atmoshpere, especially if some cute women are around; eye candy is much more therapeutic than it's given credit for. I used to look in the paper for things to do. I ended up going to a support group and a meditation group that I still go to. Exercise - a lot. I couldn't do a full mile before I left her. Now I'm training for a marathon. Get in touch with old friends - from before you were with her. Anyone she can impress isn't your friend. Take a trip somewhere. See a therapist. Feeling the way you do is normal but it doesn't have to last any longer than you let it. 

This really is the best advice. I too felt like I was dying. Not sleeping, extreme anxiety in my neck (like I was being strangled), crying all day. It does get better. Somedays you have to force yourself out of the house. I found as soon as I got outside I immediately felt better. Just going for a walk around the block helped. Reconnect with friends. Take a drive to the next town and back. Go sit quietly in a nice park and read a good book. Play playstation (it helps put your mind on something else I've discovered!) and gives you relief from your thoughts. Learn to meditate. Watch movies, tv. The number one priority really is your health though. Once you start to exercise and eat right, that is what makes the most difference. Just push through, hang in and you will get there

[Indyan]

I agree with the notion that this would be much much easier if i didn't have a child with the BPDx. It would have been good riddance but because of the kid she still has some sort of control over me and i absolutely hate it.

Yes exactly, all the time pretending I AM controlling him, it's sickening.

[vortex of confusion]

I am returning home to my uBPDw after visiting my family for a few days after Christmas.  I stopped taking antidepressants a month or two back since I don't want to be so numb that I can tolerate a horrible relationship.  Anyway, I am wracked with anxiety over returning to see her.  My chest is tight and I feel like I might as well be dying.  If I had a heart attack After a few more weeks of this relationship, I wouldn't be surprised.  It's hard to imagine even being alive if I go through this for another year, yet I'm only in my mid-30s. 

Has anyone else felt like this?

If not for the fact that I have two small kids with my uBPDw I would be out of this relationship and never talk to her again.  She is so awful, mean, and manipulative.

Yes, I feel like this quite often, right down to the fact that I have 4 kids with him and that is the only thing keeping me here.

You describe the feeling of not wanting to go home so well. I went out with my sister in law and her mother today. I went to the doctor with them of all places. I sat in the waiting room and we joked and talked and cut up. We got in a conversation with some lady in the waiting room about something random. Then, we went to lunch and did some driving. The whole time I felt so alive. Even when I was being quiet and just existing and listing to my SIL and her mom talk, I felt so peaceful. I didn't want to go home because I knew what I would get when I got home. I called and checked in with my husband because I wanted to go to a thrift store. While I was there, I started getting messages about the kids being difficult. When I got home, I had to go talk to my oldest. She and her dad don't get along at all. She thinks he is incapable, selfish, and a bunch of other negative things.

While talking to SIL, she commented that my husband is a jerk and overreacts to the smallest things. I told her that I want out and she said that she would stand by me and support me no matter what choice I make.

But gosh, the the feeling that I sometimes get when I go home. That feeling like the whole world is going to swallow me whole. It is such a dreadful feeling.