Can't believe I am still thinking of her...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There have been five or six months since our last contact. Today one friend mentioned her name and I almost cried.

I'm trying to keep myself busy all the time but I can't help it. I still feel so alone, hurt and betrayed in tremendous amount.

It is really unbelievable after all this time of an 8 month relationship. Still after all this NC just hearing her name triggers me to the core.

This bloody mirroring and idealization has made a lot of damage to me.

[Alex86]

There have been five or six months since our last contact. Today one friend mentioned her name and I almost cried.

I'm trying to keep myself busy all the time but I can't help it. I still feel so alone, hurt and betrayed in tremendous amount.

It is really unbelievable after all this time of an 8 month relationship. Still after all this NC just hearing her name triggers me to the core.

This bloody mirroring and idealization has made a lot of damage to me.

[myself]

It's been more than a year for me, and I still think of her. Memories and feelings. Good days and bad. This stuff is deep, and hard to wrap your heart and mind around. We have to leave behind what we can and deal with what's left over. I can say that a year later I've been doing better than at first I thought I would be able to. It was a huge change in my life to head this direction instead of the other. Separating out what is true for me, and (re)building my life on that, has really helped. Triggers can come from anywhere. I had one today hearing a song on the radio. Accepting where we really are, and who we really are, goes a long long way to helping us let go of the things that had such a grip on us before. Things will change. Don't be hard on yourself, it's part of the healing process/untangling from this mess.

[Trog]

Yes, it damages us all but it's ok to work thru the residual pain you feel as log as you keep your focus on you. Most of us have been thru a trauma with these people via actual events (sometimes life threatening or abusive) and the day in day out grind of trying to manage a crazy situation. It's a form of PTSD. Be kind to yourself, there no time limit or rules on healing from this, I also get annoyed if I think of her too much. The only reason I don't think of her (I think now only about me and why I get into these relationships and my coda issues) is because I begun working on me, you'd be surprised with a bit of effoet, how the scales fall from your eyes and everything that was keeping you stuck just fades if you put in the work

[Alex86]

Thanks guys. Yeap I also get annoyed and pissed off if I think of her. I have already changed the frequency on the radio

just to avoid the song triggers.

At last, I hope everyone in here find someone who deserves to be with. And the love he/she gave to a pwBPD come back to him/her.

[neverloveagain]

What if we are just as damaged as they are but in different ways. Maybee some of us are born to be alone. That im coming to terms with now.

[Alex86]

I am an introvert. My exBPD was high functioning. And I thought that was a special r/s.

From the early signs I had suggested that we should break up.

I wasn't afraid to be alone then. We continued to be together. After a while the idealization and the "love" I was

feeling was so much that I became afraid of being alone. So I tried everything but as all know the result is that

I am alone.

And it's fine. Yes now I don't want to date, I have become a little "bad" boy and if I don't find a girl who I will be

attracted very much, I'm not willing to start a r/s. I have changed. I may have lost the romantic perspective of r/s.

In particular, I don't know if I want to ever marry.

But my ex doesn't deserve the hours of my thinking of her. She was like "ok I don't give a f** if we break up".

Maybe we were a little damaged then (compared to pwBPD), but I also believe that people change and we attract what we

give out. I suppose, just as songbook said, if we find who we really are, we will attract the right people.

[captainp]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

[Trog]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

No, Zombie

[Alex86]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

If you mean in terms of change, yes.

I have changed. I now see very very clearly the manipulation

that almost all women do in order to get something.

If you mean in terms of emotions, then yes again.

I still feel empty, drained. Only after the gym I feel a little joy.

All the other times, I feel numb. I don't care to win an argument of any kind or to prove to someone

something. I don't care if I am a "gentleman" or generous emotionally anymore, because I know that

most of the times this will be taken advantage.

[hope2727]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

If you mean in terms of change, yes.

I have changed. I now see very very clearly the manipulation

that almost all women do in order to get something.

If you mean in terms of emotions, then yes again.

I still feel empty, drained. Only after the gym I feel a little joy.

All the other times, I feel numb. I don't care to win an argument of any kind or to prove to someone

something. I don't care if I am a "gentleman" or generous emotionally anymore, because I know that

most of the times this will be taken advantage.

Ouch. As a kind sincere middle aged woman I am very sad that you feel this way. I can assure you that good women are out there. I am a professional who earns her own money , owns he own home, has her own goals and ambitions. I do not believe in manipulation. I believe in honesty and sincerity. I believe in love and kindness and generosity. I believe in romance and tenderness and growing old with my best friend.

Unfortunately for me my best friend turned out to be suffering from BPD and bipolar. So I too have had my belief system shaken to the core. I refuse however to paint all men as cruel and cheating and abusive and out to use me for money. I refuse to think that all men or people for that matter are only out to get what they can from me. I still want to adhere to my core values of kindness and generosity and fidelity and honesty and hope.

Any way please don't give up on women. A real woman won't take advantage. A real woman, a strong woman, a dignified woman will appreciate your generosity and chivalry. I know I would.

I saw something lately that I liked... .'keep your chin, standards and heels high'   

We are out there we just sometimes come in unexpected packages. 

[antjs]

be patient with yourself. you will get there when you are ready to get there. it took me 5 months to recover from the interaction with my ex that lasted for only six weeks. i thought i was never going to recover from this. keep maintaining no contact. it is the most important advice i can give you. you also need hope. just try to imagine your life and how will it be more awesome and more healthy when you get over her. take this day dreaming episode and save it in your mind. thats your hope and one day you will get there. trust me you will get there. at one moment of my life i was lying on the floor of a hospital suffering from a panic attack that i thought it was going to kill me. that was the most miserable moment of my life. i thought i was having a broken heart syndrome (thats a real thing btw and it kills you). i felt miserable that i was dying cause i am over grieving a person that is not worth thinking about for a moment. where i am now ? proceeding with my life and trying to get it better in every aspect. where was i today ? i was hanging out with my friends in the coffee shop i had my first date with her at. did it bother me ? maybe for less than a minute. see. you will get there trust me

[Waifed]

Sadly at 15 months out the recent holidays have been absolutely brutal for me.  I've been dating a lot and having a good time with women again. I was rocking along and thought I was about to conquer this completely and then BAM. I heard from a few people that had recently seen and spoken to her and it sent me into a tailspin. This compounded with the holidays has caused anxiety that I haven't experienced since I was in the relationship. I have no urge to contact her and certainly would never recycle but damn it hurts. When will this nightmare end?

As a result of this I have discontinued dating again for now. I am so triggered I've lost that urge again.

[Infared]

What if we are just as damaged as they are but in different ways. Maybee some of us are born to be alone. That im coming to terms with now.

I don't know if I was born to be alone, but I certainly freely choose that now. I can't imagine ever going through what I went thru again. To meet someone and fall in love, to hear them say that they would never hurt me and then to see them with my replacement with a vindictive smile on their face clearly enjoying the emotional pain that they were causing me is something that I am sure I will not allow any chance of ever happening again. It's just about my own survival. That is what I have experienced.

[Alex86]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

If you mean in terms of change, yes.

I have changed. I now see very very clearly the manipulation

that almost all women do in order to get something.

If you mean in terms of emotions, then yes again.

I still feel empty, drained. Only after the gym I feel a little joy.

All the other times, I feel numb. I don't care to win an argument of any kind or to prove to someone

something. I don't care if I am a "gentleman" or generous emotionally anymore, because I know that

most of the times this will be taken advantage.

Ouch. As a kind sincere middle aged woman I am very sad that you feel this way. I can assure you that good women are out there. I am a professional who earns her own money , owns he own home, has her own goals and ambitions. I do not believe in manipulation. I believe in honesty and sincerity. I believe in love and kindness and generosity. I believe in romance and tenderness and growing old with my best friend.

Unfortunately for me my best friend turned out to be suffering from BPD and bipolar. So I too have had my belief system shaken to the core. I refuse however to paint all men as cruel and cheating and abusive and out to use me for money. I refuse to think that all men or people for that matter are only out to get what they can from me. I still want to adhere to my core values of kindness and generosity and fidelity and honesty and hope.

Any way please don't give up on women. A real woman won't take advantage. A real woman, a strong woman, a dignified woman will appreciate your generosity and chivalry. I know I would.

I saw something lately that I liked... .'keep your chin, standards and heels high'  

We are out there we just sometimes come in unexpected packages.  

As Waifed said I have also lost the urge. Before I was more kind and generous in small things. For instance, I had changed my mobile contract

to a more costly one just to talk more hours with my ex. I don't expect to do that again.

In other words I approached the "nice" guy.

I do not want to ever be called a "nice" guy. BPD or not, I have been seeing the pattern in numerous times.

"Nice" guys fail. Especially in modern society.

I'm sure there are women out there just like hope2727. I wish I met one. But now my walls are a lot higher than before. And I don't expect anyone to be so patient

to bring them down. I also have a job, I'm economically independent etc but now, I don't know, in order to be with someone, she must really really worth it.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

If you mean in terms of change, yes.

I have changed. I now see very very clearly the manipulation

that almost all women do in order to get something.

If you mean in terms of emotions, then yes again.

I still feel empty, drained. Only after the gym I feel a little joy.

All the other times, I feel numb. I don't care to win an argument of any kind or to prove to someone

something. I don't care if I am a "gentleman" or generous emotionally anymore, because I know that

most of the times this will be taken advantage.

Ouch. As a kind sincere middle aged woman I am very sad that you feel this way. I can assure you that good women are out there. I am a professional who earns her own money , owns he own home, has her own goals and ambitions. I do not believe in manipulation. I believe in honesty and sincerity. I believe in love and kindness and generosity. I believe in romance and tenderness and growing old with my best friend.

Unfortunately for me my best friend turned out to be suffering from BPD and bipolar. So I too have had my belief system shaken to the core. I refuse however to paint all men as cruel and cheating and abusive and out to use me for money. I refuse to think that all men or people for that matter are only out to get what they can from me. I still want to adhere to my core values of kindness and generosity and fidelity and honesty and hope.

Any way please don't give up on women. A real woman won't take advantage. A real woman, a strong woman, a dignified woman will appreciate your generosity and chivalry. I know I would.

I saw something lately that I liked... .'keep your chin, standards and heels high'  

We are out there we just sometimes come in unexpected packages.  

As Waifed said I have also lost the urge. Before I was more kind and generous in small things. For instance, I had changed my mobile contract

to a more costly one just to talk more hours with my ex. I don't expect to do that again.

In other words I approached the "nice" guy.

I do not want to ever be called a "nice" guy. BPD or not, I have been seeing the pattern in numerous times.

"Nice" guys fail. Especially in modern society.

I'm sure there are women out there just like hope2727. I wish I met one. But now my walls are a lot higher than before. And I don't expect anyone to be so patient

to bring them down. I also have a job, I'm economically independent etc but now, I don't know, in order to be with someone, she must really really worth it.

I don't want sound cynical about this world we live in, but I feel that being a nice guy and treating women with respect these days is now viewed as a sign of weakness and and opportunity for some one to take advantage of you and eventually hurt you.

This is the way I was brought up, I will never change, but I remember a couple of times when I was being a 'gentlemen' in my ex company, she use to feel uncomfortable. She once moaned at me for being too nice!

Also, I remember years ago when I worked in an office mainly of women, hearing a conversation when they said that they preferred 'Bad Boys'. I must confessed to be confused afterwards... .

The fact is I know too many 'Nice Guys' out here in this world who have been hurt so bad they either given up or rather be single.

That's truly depressing!

[Trog]

Do you ever feel like you've been bitten by a vampire?

If you mean in terms of change, yes.

I have changed. I now see very very clearly the manipulation

that almost all women do in order to get something.

If you mean in terms of emotions, then yes again.

I still feel empty, drained. Only after the gym I feel a little joy.

All the other times, I feel numb. I don't care to win an argument of any kind or to prove to someone

something. I don't care if I am a "gentleman" or generous emotionally anymore, because I know that

most of the times this will be taken advantage.

Ouch. As a kind sincere middle aged woman I am very sad that you feel this way. I can assure you that good women are out there. I am a professional who earns her own money , owns he own home, has her own goals and ambitions. I do not believe in manipulation. I believe in honesty and sincerity. I believe in love and kindness and generosity. I believe in romance and tenderness and growing old with my best friend.

Unfortunately for me my best friend turned out to be suffering from BPD and bipolar. So I too have had my belief system shaken to the core. I refuse however to paint all men as cruel and cheating and abusive and out to use me for money. I refuse to think that all men or people for that matter are only out to get what they can from me. I still want to adhere to my core values of kindness and generosity and fidelity and honesty and hope.

Any way please don't give up on women. A real woman won't take advantage. A real woman, a strong woman, a dignified woman will appreciate your generosity and chivalry. I know I would.

I saw something lately that I liked... .'keep your chin, standards and heels high'  

We are out there we just sometimes come in unexpected packages.  

As Waifed said I have also lost the urge. Before I was more kind and generous in small things. For instance, I had changed my mobile contract

to a more costly one just to talk more hours with my ex. I don't expect to do that again.

In other words I approached the "nice" guy.

I do not want to ever be called a "nice" guy. BPD or not, I have been seeing the pattern in numerous times.

"Nice" guys fail. Especially in modern society.

I'm sure there are women out there just like hope2727. I wish I met one. But now my walls are a lot higher than before. And I don't expect anyone to be so patient

to bring them down. I also have a job, I'm economically independent etc but now, I don't know, in order to be with someone, she must really really worth it.

I think the 'nice guy' principles that get instilled in us are just a bit warped perhaps? We are too nice, codependents who tolerate too much and attract these people to is that way. I wouldn't give up being a nice person, but we need to have correct boundaries and then we'll attract good people, being overly nice or overly an idiot will both attract PDs. It's sad, cos we learnt this growing up, we believed we were doing good! But actually we need to reform our ideas

[hope2727]

I don't want sound cynical about this world we live in, but I feel that being a nice guy and treating women with respect these days is now viewed as a sign of weakness and and opportunity for some one to take advantage of you and eventually hurt you.

This is the way I was brought up, I will never change, but I remember a couple of times when I was being a 'gentlemen' in my ex company, she use to feel uncomfortable. She once moaned at me for being too nice!

Also, I remember years ago when I worked in an office mainly of women, hearing a conversation when they said that they preferred 'Bad Boys'. I must confessed to be confused afterwards... .

The fact is I know too many 'Nice Guys' out here in this world who have been hurt so bad they either given up or rather be single.

That's truly depressing!

This is not new. Its been around FOREVER!  These women who want bad boys and codependant too.  They want to change them, to prove they were the one that tamed the bad boy. That plot has been around since the dawn of tie I swear. Just look at movies throughout time. Anyway just don't date those losers and you will be fine. Go date a nice girl.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

" go date a nice girl... ."

Easier said than done.

Especially since you need time to find out if she is truly nice, or wearing a mask to draw you in.

I personally can no longer tell the difference anymore - red flags, or not.  I never saw any red flags until  my relationship with my ex had been well advanced.  Feelings had been invested.

[hope2727]

" go date a nice girl... ."

Easier said than done.

Especially since you need time to find out if she is truly nice, or wearing a mask to draw you in.

I personally can no longer tell the difference anymore - red flags, or not.  I never saw any red flags until  my relationship with my ex had been well advanced.  Feelings had been invested.

Me too. He was wonderful for over a year. But I refuse to give up.

[jhkbuzz]

What if we are just as damaged as they are but in different ways. Maybee some of us are born to be alone. That im coming to terms with now.

I don't know if I was born to be alone, but I certainly freely choose that now. I can't imagine ever going through what I went thru again. To meet someone and fall in love, to hear them say that they would never hurt me and then to see them with my replacement with a vindictive smile on their face clearly enjoying the emotional pain that they were causing me is something that I am sure I will not allow any chance of ever happening again. It's just about my own survival. That is what I have experienced.

I think part of the healing process - when you're ready to engage in it - is examining your participation in the relationship... .what kept you hooked to the dysfunctional dance... .the red flags that you ignored at the beginning... .the "baggage" of yours that convinced you to stay. Perhaps you didn't engage in the destructive behaviors that brought the relationship to an end (I know I didn't), but you played a part in the relationship, and you will eventually need to look at that.

In your post you view yourself as completely "acted upon" when that is only partly the truth - you also "participated in" - and when you begin to examine that portion of the relationship I think you will stop feeling so helpless and hopeless - and you will begin to regain some of your power.

[Infared]

" go date a nice girl... ."

Easier said than done.

Especially since you need time to find out if she is truly nice, or wearing a mask to draw you in.

I personally can no longer tell the difference anymore - red flags, or not.  I never saw any red flags until  my relationship with my ex had been well advanced.  Feelings had been invested.

Yeah... .and it is 10 times worse in New Jerset! LOL!    

[hope2727]

Well I can't speak to NJ but I know it's challenging. I find dating boring and tedious. More like work than fun. I have to try and make a connection, find commonalities, show interest in things that I often couldn't care less about.  Then they tend to act like self involved, show offs with no interest in me. Finally they try to flash their money around. Gross. I make my own thanks.

It's exhausting. I am sick of being polite. I would seriously like to just say "I'm sorry but you strike me as a red neck, jerk pants with a list of issues. I understand as I have my own list but yours seems extensive. Besides I don't have the urge to kiss you as when you touched my back I got chills not butterflies. I  sure there is a perfect person out there for you but it isn't me. Oh and the income you were bragging about is in fact less than mine which I am sure will threaten you when you find out so let's just call it done and wish each other well". Sigh.

Then they call and call and never leave you be. Even when you firmly say you just don't feel it please stop calling they call and text and drive you nuts. I hate being rude but sometimes I wish I would.

It just makes me miss my ex all the more.

[Infared]

Well I can't speak to NJ but I know it's challenging. I find dating boring and tedious. More like work than fun. I have to try and make a connection, find commonalities, show interest in things that I often couldn't care less about.  Then they tend to act like self involved, show offs with no interest in me. Finally they try to flash their money around. Gross. I make my own thanks.

It's exhausting. I am sick of being polite. I would seriously like to just say "I'm sorry but you strike me as a red neck, jerk pants with a list of issues. I understand as I have my own list but yours seems extensive. Besides I don't have the urge to kiss you as when you touched my back I got chills not butterflies. I  sure there is a perfect person out there for you but it isn't me. Oh and the income you were bragging about is in fact less than mine which I am sure will threaten you when you find out so let's just call it done and wish each other well". Sigh.

Then they call and call and never leave you be. Even when you firmly say you just don't feel it please stop calling they call and text and drive you nuts. I hate being rude but sometimes I wish I would.

It just makes me miss my ex all the more.

Great post!  That is why I have stopped dating (I am old, too)... .I would rather go hiking, ride my motorcycle,  create photos or just hang out with my friends or work for that matter.!

LOL!  It gets lonely sometimes (I read my kindle on Christmas day)... .but I look at the crap other people are involved in and I want to   

I really, really liked the good parts about my ex... .but when she showed me who she really was... .I shut that down COMPLETELY and will NEVER talk to her again... .I miss what I "thought" I had with her... .but that was just the game she was running to get the list of demands that she never told ME about.  In the end the way she treated me was abominable... .I was not that way to her and always respected her... .never ever even called her a name... .we argued but I always kept it respectable. The was she has acted with my replacement in public in front of me has been totally unbelievable... .    She gets none of me.  She has tried to talk to me in public (oh... yeah... when she is alone... .bet he doesn't know anything about that   ) and my remaining self esteem just says "get lost".  ... .but I just get away... .I never say anything. Not one word. No way.   So... .I have just let it all go... .it hurts... .but after that mess... .I am just done. I am not on ANY social media... .  I don't have a lot of income and I don't care (just lost all of the women in NJ with that statement)... .but life is OK... .I live right on the beach and have work and lots to do... .Its not the way I plan it to be... .but its OK!   

Your post made me laugh and reminded me not to date!

[Alex86]

It's exhausting. I am sick of being polite. I would seriously like to just say "I'm sorry but you strike me as a red neck, jerk pants with a list of issues. I understand as I have my own list but yours seems extensive. Besides I don't have the urge to kiss you as when you touched my back I got chills not butterflies. I  sure there is a perfect person out there for you but it isn't me. Oh and the income you were bragging about is in fact less than mine which I am sure will threaten you when you find out so let's just call it done and wish each other well". Sigh.

Exactly. Exhausting. We say the same thing. It is not about the town or country of dating. It's the whole process!

Too much generosity for nothing... I have quit trying to get a woman's attention with small things. If she likes me the way I am that's fine.

I gave so much to my ex that I have nothing left. If this makes me bad, impolite or whatever I don't care anymore.

[Infared]

Exactly. Exhausting. We say the same things. It is not about the town or country of dating. It's the whole process!

Too much generosity for nothing... I have quit trying to get a woman attention with small things. If she likes me the way I am that's fine.

I gave so much to my ex that I have nothing left. If this makes me bad, impolite or whatever I don't care anymore.

[Rifka]

" go date a nice girl... ."

Easier said than done.

Especially since you need time to find out if she is truly nice, or wearing a mask to draw you in.

I personally can no longer tell the difference anymore - red flags, or not.  I never saw any red flags until  my relationship with my ex had been well advanced.  Feelings had been invested.

Yeah... .and it is 10 times worse in New Jerset! LOL!    

I'm in Nj and I'm very nice. Now I have better boundries and little tolerance of bs and whining, but I'm still always going to be me. I may try to be tougher to protect myself, but the core of me will always be the giving, loving caring girl I always was, but with more backbone to say no to things I really don't want to do to the next guy. I also will be quicker to notice signs and stage left at the right time that red flags appear. Oh I live in nj!