Gone Girl - I can identify with the female - does that make me BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I recently read the book 'Gone Girl'.  What worried me was that I really understood the female character.  I could actually imagine myself doing some of the things she did and could see why she did them.

This made me think about some of my behaviour towards my xBPDh.  I don't think some of it was normal.  When we first split and I found this site, I wondered if I have BPD and was reassured that the very fact I was on this site confirmed I didn't.  I now have some doubts about that again.

Does anyone else ever feel this way and think that maybe the problem lies within us rather than the ex?  Or actually, I think we both had problems.  Maybe we were both BPD but he took it to a higher level than I did?

[Popcorn71]

I recently read the book 'Gone Girl'.  What worried me was that I really understood the female character.  I could actually imagine myself doing some of the things she did and could see why she did them.

This made me think about some of my behaviour towards my xBPDh.  I don't think some of it was normal.  When we first split and I found this site, I wondered if I have BPD and was reassured that the very fact I was on this site confirmed I didn't.  I now have some doubts about that again.

Does anyone else ever feel this way and think that maybe the problem lies within us rather than the ex?  Or actually, I think we both had problems.  Maybe we were both BPD but he took it to a higher level than I did?

[Rise]

The sad news is, simply being on this site doesn't confirm anything. More than one person with a PD has made an appearance on the boards. Showing introspective thought, recognizing your own faults, accepting responsibility for your choices, and putting genuine effort into personal growth, on the other hand, are pretty good indicators that BPD isn't your issue.

The truth is, most of us have felt nuts at some point or another. And I think it's easy to see BPD behaviors in ourselves, because a lot of those behaviors are the same behaviors exhibited by "normal" people at some point. We all feel overwhelmed by our emotions at some point. Many of us have struggled with impulsive urges. Most of us demonstrate black and white thinking at some point. The difference is that in a person with BPD, these behaviors are both persistent, and taken to extremes.

If you are really concerned you're suffering from something as serious as BPD, I suggest talking to a professional about it. If there is something wrong, you'll be able to address it properly, and if there isn't, you'll know for sure.

[Blimblam]

I havnt read gone girl.  One thing though is that in stories is that a good storyteller can create a narrative of a very different world and make it relatable.  Things often make sense within a certain context and once that context is seen then we are able to empathize with that position. 

[fromheeltoheal]

The traits of BPD are on a continuum, and many of us began exhibiting them in the relationship; I'm not a manipulative person in general, but I found myself "playin' it" with her, since the whole thing felt like a chaotic game and I was just trying to stay afloat.  But beyond that we all exhibit at least some of the traits some of the time, although it takes exhibiting many of them to an elevated degree and consistently over time to warrant a diagnosis.

And in the end the label doesn't matter, beyond the fact it helps shrinks and it helps us make sense of what happened and connect with each other over something common.  Whatever our exes were, the pain was caused by the way our stuff meshed with their stuff, the dynamic that was created.  Once we learn about the disorder a borderline's motivations are pretty clear, so we can let that go, and get on with looking at how and why we responded the way we did, and start focusing on detaching like that ------>

[Take2]

Ok I read this book two year ago maybe?  LOVED it.  The writer is fantastic.  It took me until now (when its out on Amazon) to see the movie.  I'm only part way thru this movie right now but felt compelled to come here and write - and I haven't been on here for a little while as I've been doing pretty well.  Still have communication with my ex-uBPD-bf but I am much stronger.  When I read the book two years ago I didn't have the experience yet that I now have with my ex - of him constantly saying things on work instant message to try and frame me. 

Right now as I'm part way thru the movie and remembering that Amy wrote her journal ahead of time to try and frame Nick... .  WOW, I'm sick to my stomach.  Yep, my ex was absolutely abusive two years ago but not like the way he is now - trying to frame me to make me appear like the one causing all the problems.  Now I admit freely, I have my share of issues.  But this movie isn't something that can't happen... .  I need to just keep remembering this.  Actually - it's served me very well to take the focus off my BPD-ex and stop coming here as much (as awesome as this site is) and keep the focus on ME... .   but I did want to jump on and comment about it... .  scary stuff to think about a person who would actually make things to to frame another... .scarier still to have someone else try and to do that to us directly. 

[GuiltHaunted]

I just finished "Girl Gone" today. If you identify with the female, you are definitely nuts in one form or the other.  

Then again, I am slowly coming to the conclusion that 99% females are nuts. And this is why, because it's so bang on:



(Click to open a readable size)

Trap your man pretending to be someone else, slowly slip back to your real self and wonder why he stopped loving you - duh! Unfortunately there are ALOT of "cool girls" out there, even those that doesn't suffer from a Personality Disorder, they just want to have it their way and be the winner of "the price". A disease of the western society and time we are living in - every girl is being brought up being told they are a "princess", and they continue to behave that way into their adulthood thinking they have "special rights" and their insane demands and expectations are reasonable. When they then fail to attract the guys they want with their hollow uninteresting personality, they can go on and pretend to be "cool girl" instead and there are enough idiots who will the give them the princess treatment.

I am personally not interested in "cool girl", I want "authentic, interesting girl". Unfortunately my estimate is that there is only 1 for every 100 "cool girls".

That book was a real eye opener. You are all nuts, and going forward, it is with that assumption I will approach all women.

[BorisAcusio]

The traits of BPD are on a continuum, and many of us began exhibiting them in the relationship;

According to a study, 55 percent of the romantic partners of borderline invidiuals are themselves met the criteria for an Axis II PD.

[myself]

Trap your WOman pretending to be someone else, slowly slip back to your real self and wonder why She stopped loving you

When they then fail to attract the guys girls they want with their hollow uninteresting personality, they can go on and pretend to be "cool girl guy" instead and there are enough idiots who will the give them the princess treatment.

This can and does go the other way, as many here have lived and could confirm. There's no way to put a number to it, but men do this stuff too.

Plus, part of being in a relationship with someone wBPD includes mirroring, which isn't just the 'good' stuff but also the 'bad'. They can take our best traits and cast their worst onto us just like we can do with them (For sure, with differing amounts and intensities). That's how during the idealizing stages we feel elated together and in the devaluing stages we feel horrible together. Maybe not 'together' as much as 'at the same time'. But that's a big reason why we can feel "crazy", when that hasn't been the norm for us. Because we were bonded with someone who feels like that and were passing it back and forth, creating a warped reality. Yes that's also on us.

Then there's the waking up/coming out of the shock of it that needs processing. Many of us would say this has been one of the most difficult times to get through. Picking yourself up and carrying on, while rattled.

Lumping ALL women, ALL pwBPD, ALL whoever seems more like a prison than personal freedom. For anyone involved. Wouldn't you eventually come to a brick wall with that? In effect, stunting your own growth?


Haven't read the book or seen the movie yet but am curious.

[downwhim]

I think we are all crazy at times and can be diagnosed with many different po's. However, call me anything but BPD. I cannot imagine hurting people constantly like my ex fiancé BPD, lying constantly, setting someone I love up for pain, nope, not going there.

I have my issues. Mainly co dependent per my T. I know I was responsible for my part in the r/s. I went crazy in reaction to his treatment. I did and said things I would not normally say.

I saw Gone Girl. If you think you can relate to her I would talk this over w/my therapist.

[GuiltHaunted]

This can and does go the other way, as many here have lived and could confirm. There's no way to put a number to it, but men do this stuff too.

Sure it can. But they should be easier to spot, as they stand out more. Because most guys don't put up a front.

Girls on the other hand, they are all used to put on a mask. Even literally every day in front of the mirror, they put on makeup to change who they are.

It's not meant misogynistic. I love women, but I found that most of women are easier to deal with and their behavior is easily explained that way. Men generally do things to satisfy own needs. Women generally want to please - pleasing other is putting yourself second. Putting yourself second = not being yourself.

[Rise]

Because most guys don't put up a front.

I'm just not sure where you're getting this from. Guys are just as guilty of it as girls. We all put up fronts.

When we are trying to attract someone, we don't go dishing all the dirt on ourselves immediately. We try to make ourselves seem as attractive and desirable as possible by focusing on our positives, and try to minimize our negative traits. We usually don't start sharing our flaws and weaknesses until we become more comfortable with the other person, and more secure in the relationship. Men and women both do this.

[Take2]

I didn't post yesterday to say I related to the female character.  I was relating to the MALE character who was being framed by a lunatic.  Because my MALE coworker, exuBPDbf, does this to me at work - making up lies on company property to frame me.  Because he believes he own delusions which never occurred.

No, this is NOT a female issue - BPD.  My ex at work is a MALE who is a SEVERELY disordered individual.

*** Caveat - sorry - just realized that the heading of this subject is that the person who started this entire thread could apparently relate to the female character.  Guess I need more coffee right now!   

[GuiltHaunted]

When we are trying to attract someone, we don't go dishing all the dirt on ourselves immediately. We try to make ourselves seem as attractive and desirable as possible by focusing on our positives, and try to minimize our negative traits.

There is a difference between promoting your stronger traits, and pretending to have traits that you don't. Of course there are disordered guys doing this as well. Or even dishonest guys looking for fun.

My claim is that many girls, who are not disordered, are pretending as well. They might not do so out of dishonesty but purely subconscious.

[Popcorn71]

When we are trying to attract someone, we don't go dishing all the dirt on ourselves immediately. We try to make ourselves seem as attractive and desirable as possible by focusing on our positives, and try to minimize our negative traits.

There is a difference between promoting your stronger traits, and pretending to have traits that you don't. Of course there are disordered guys doing this as well. Or even dishonest guys looking for fun.

My claim is that many girls, who are not disordered, are pretending as well. They might not do so out of dishonesty but purely subconscious.

I agree with both comments here.  I think everyone keeps their 'bad side' under wraps at first.  When we get together with a new partner we want them to like us and don't want to ruin things so we try our best to show all our positive attributes.  Nobody would turn up on a date wearing scruffy clothes and not having washed but no doubt the partner will see us like that at some point.  I think it's the same with our behaviour, eventually the negative stuff will show but we don't purposely display it at first.

But the thing that worried me is that I could really understand where the female character was coming from and actually admired her for the way in which she got her own back on her cheating husband.  If it was possible, I really think I would like to get revenge on my cheating xBPDh and make him suffer.

I acknowledge that he probably didn't get the fantastic woman he first met and only got 70% of what he expected.  I probably got that amount from him too but I accepted it and he didn't.  He wasn't happy until he had tried to destroy me and hurt me in every way possible.  Perhaps, I'm just annoyed that I didn't see it coming and get in there first (or best) like the character in Gone Girl.

[fromheeltoheal]

When we are trying to attract someone, we don't go dishing all the dirt on ourselves immediately. We try to make ourselves seem as attractive and desirable as possible by focusing on our positives, and try to minimize our negative traits.

I think everyone keeps their 'bad side' under wraps at first.  When we get together with a new partner we want them to like us and don't want to ruin things so we try our best to show all our positive attributes.

I agree, when we like someone and want to make a good first impression, we're going to focus on our positives, human nature.  And so, lately I've been consciously focusing on just being myself instead of trying to attract someone, since to me trying to be anything other than who I am is inauthentic.  That doesn't mean I let fly with the details of the demise of failed past relationships or any bleak aspects of my past, not because I'm trying to avoid them, it's just inappropriate communicating that to someone I just met.  That does two things: first, being who I am is so much easier than 'trying' to be something, and second, just as important, I get immediate feedback on what that person thinks of me, what their style is, how I'm accepted as I am or not, and whether or not they reciprocate; it's the fast track to removing the folks I don't connect with and adding the ones I do.  And part of the motivation for that is accepting that I did present a false self to my ex, which she ran with in her desire to attach, and when it came out later that I had been portraying a somewhat false self it was painful.  Of course there was more to it than that with all the borderline traits, but I need to own my part, and that was definitely there.  I realize now that I did it because I was lonely and susceptible when she showed up, so I had a needy drive to make a good impression, and lately it's been really important to not do that and just be myself regardless; authentic living is the only way to populate our lives with people who love and care about us, warts and all.

[Rise]

Perhaps, I'm just annoyed that I didn't see it coming and get in there first (or best) like the character in Gone Girl.

Didn't she end up killing one guy and threatening to murder her own unborn child?