BPD and Compromise

[downwhim]

My ex fiancé could not compromise or negotiate. Like a typical borderline life is black or white. No middle ground.

[billypilgrim]

This topic hits home with me.  What little form of closure I received was in the form of an e-mail about a week after she left.  In it, she listed all of her problems with our r/s and with me in particular.  One of the things she called me was uncompromising.  This wrecked me.  I was shocked that she could actually think that about me given the hoops and hurdles I went through for the sake of the r/s.  I wonder how much further I could have actually bent over?  The worst part is that when I received that e-mail, I bought every word of it.  It's take me a while to come around and see things for what they are and for me to realize that I am absolutely not the person that she painted me as. 

Then I started to remember all of the little petty fights.  All of the complaints.  She was perfect, I was flawed.  I had to fix or change to make things work.  I compromised.  She dictated.  Yuck.  And the nerve to call me uncompromising.  Yeah, that one still stings a bit.       

We're the only ones that compromise in the r/s with a pwBPD. Though I suppose it's not really compromise when we're the only ones giving something up.

[raisins3142]

This topic hits home with me.  What little form of closure I received was in the form of an e-mail about a week after she left.  In it, she listed all of her problems with our r/s and with me in particular.  One of the things she called me was uncompromising.  This wrecked me.  I was shocked that she could actually think that about me given the hoops and hurdles I went through for the sake of the r/s.  I wonder how much further I could have actually bent over?  The worst part is that when I received that e-mail, I bought every word of it.  It's take me a while to come around and see things for what they are and for me to realize that I am absolutely not the person that she painted me as. 

Then I started to remember all of the little petty fights.  All of the complaints.  She was perfect, I was flawed.  I had to fix or change to make things work.  I compromised.  She dictated.  Yuck.  And the nerve to call me uncompromising.  Yeah, that one still stings a bit.       

We're the only ones that compromise in the r/s with a pwBPD. Though I suppose it's not really compromise when we're the only ones giving something up.

Your post hit home with me.

I'd guess that many pwBPD think perhaps everything is open to compromise and if something is not then the non is uncompromising.

For instance, mine thought that my boundaries around her embarrassing me in public by flirting with other men and ignoring me was me not compromising.  Sorry, you can talk to people, but to me you have to fulfill the common "social contract" of not being an over the top, shady, idiot with it (pretty much just common sense, but we had talked about it also so she knew my views).  Perhaps you having any boundaries was you being uncompromising?

[bruceli]

Oxymoron... .reference PD compromise

[jhkbuzz]

Your post hit home with me.

I'd guess that many pwBPD think perhaps everything is open to compromise and if something is not then the non is uncompromising.

For instance, mine thought that my boundaries around her embarrassing me in public by flirting with other men and ignoring me was me not compromising.  Sorry, you can talk to people, but to me you have to fulfill the common "social contract" of not being an over the top, shady, idiot with it (pretty much just common sense, but we had talked about it also so she knew my views).  Perhaps you having any boundaries was you being uncompromising?

Yes... .boundaries mean you are a tyrant, are controlling, unreasonable. I've seen this issue arise in many different posts.  And in my r/s as well. 

[raisins3142]

Yes... .boundaries mean you are a tyrant, are controlling, unreasonable. I've seen this issue arise in many different posts.  And in my r/s as well. 

Not only uncompromising but unaccepting and insecure.  Don't you love how pop psychology gives folks tons of buzzwords they can weave to justify and rationalize anything they'd like to do or did?

[billypilgrim]

Yes... .boundaries mean you are a tyrant, are controlling, unreasonable. I've seen this issue arise in many different posts.  And in my r/s as well. 

Not only uncompromising but unaccepting and insecure.  Don't you love how pop psychology gives folks tons of buzzwords they can weave to justify and rationalize anything they'd like to do or did?

In the wrong hands, those words can be used as fuel for gaslighting and other crazy making behavior.  Those words get turned around and used on us and before we realize it, we've turned into their host.  Mine would constantly complain and beg for compromise.  She'd talk about how relationships were supposed to work.  It's like she was a walking, talking Pintrest quote billboard. 

[raisins3142]

In the wrong hands, those words can be used as fuel for gaslighting and other crazy making behavior.  Those words get turned around and used on us and before we realize it, we've turned into their host.  Mine would constantly complain and beg for compromise.  She'd talk about how relationships were supposed to work.  It's like she was a walking, talking Pintrest quote billboard. 

Quoting empty platitudes seems authoritative and requires no actual thought or discussion.

Mine stated that people in relationships should totally accept each other.

Really?

So, if you burn all my clothes, that's cool?

[SlyQQ]

Its the negotiating they dont like it is hard for them without discomfort=> dysregulating

[AlonelyOne]

It's because to you and I, a compromise is where if there are 10 points, each party gets 4-6 of the points they want.

To someone with BPD, a compromise is where they have given up even 1 point. So to us, we feel like they have never compromised. And to them, because they have hundreds of points, they feel they have ALWAYS compromised on EVERY ISSUE because they have always given up, either by your request or their internal choice, 1-2 of their dozens of points.

And this is how their world view works.

[Lunira]

I was just watching the bpdfamily.com BPD video describing BPD and this stood out. Mostly because I don't understand it, but I went through it. I saw this in my ex. But I don't see how compromise causes feelings of being violated, abused or cheated.

Here is the quote. Anyone have any idea's about it?

Borderlines are often uncomfortable negotiating or reaching compromise - and when it is thrust upon them they may feel violated, cheated, abused.

My BPD mother used to say that "compromise is both people feeling pissed off and resentful (or "being s--t on", depending how angry she was) precisely 50% of the time."  I think it was particularly noxious to her, because "compromise" not only meant she wasn't getting her way half the time, but it also meant that by prior agreement, she had no grounds to complain about not getting her way.  

Not that this actually stopped her complaining, but hey.  

[downwhim]

If I brought up a way to compromise it was met with "it is always my way." I am a drama queen, I can't do anything his way. No grey area at all. His way or the high way. He would say, "who is in charge here anyway?" Bizarre. No way I could hit middle ground to appease both of us. I was taking advantage of him if I compromised.

[going places]

Compromise?

Bwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Are you kidding?

If he compromised then in his mind, he 'lost'.

Compromising to him means he didn't 'win'.

AND

He didn't get his way.

In 'his mind' he created his own reality/truth. And he manipulated real life to fit into his fantasy.

To compromise would mean accepting that his reality was fantasy.

There by showing him 'he was wrong'; and Katie Bar the Door... .that man is NEVER wrong.

Coming to a compromise was always a battle; ok. War.

For YEARS I just let him have it his way because it wasn't worth the pouting, sulking, surly silent treatment... .

When I finally started standing up for myself; that's when the wheels fell off... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Compromise?

Bwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Are you kidding?

If he compromised then in his mind, he 'lost'.

Compromising to him means he didn't 'win'.

AND

He didn't get his way.

In 'his mind' he created his own reality/truth. And he manipulated real life to fit into his fantasy.

To compromise would mean accepting that his reality was fantasy.

There by showing him 'he was wrong'; and Katie Bar the Door... .that man is NEVER wrong.

Coming to a compromise was always a battle; ok. War.

For YEARS I just let him have it his way because it wasn't worth the pouting, sulking, surly silent treatment... .

When I finally started standing up for myself; that's when the wheels fell off... .

Going places, what you have said sums up my r/s and compromise.  My uBPDh has to win at all costs and now it has gotten to the point where it is costing our 30+ year r/s. 

Funny thing, he actually was a negotiator in his career and was very successful. He just doesn't want to negotiate with me.  He is always on the lookout for ways that I may be trying to control him.

I am about to surrender - and go my own way.

[going places]

Mustbeabetterway... .

Your name says it all, like mine.

When I finally drew my line in the sand, and said NO MORE ABUSE is when I started "going places".

Yes there is a better way.

Like you, I was with ex 25 years.

His grandfather, father, and brother are just like him.

Win, at all cost.

THEY are always right because they are smarter than the rest of the world.

Everyone, in their mind, is 'stupid, inferior, incompetent, and out to 'beat' them".

There is more to life than sadness, conflict and abuse.

I intend to live life!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Mustbeabetterway... .

Your name says it all, like mine.

When I finally drew my line in the sand, and said NO MORE ABUSE is when I started "going places".

Yes there is a better way.

Like you, I was with ex 25 years.

His grandfather, father, and brother are just like him.

Win, at all cost.

THEY are always right because they are smarter than the rest of the world.

Everyone, in their mind, is 'stupid, inferior, incompetent, and out to 'beat' them".

There is more to life than sadness, conflict and abuse.

I intend to live life!

My father-in-law was undiagnosed, but with what I know now about BPD, he definitely exhibited all the traits.  Impossible to be around, but impossible to say no to.  Made me crazy.

My husband's grandfather died of a stroke before my husband was born, but supposedly he was the black sheep of the family.  His FOO was nc with him.  I suspect it runs in the family.

For a long time, I felt sorry for my h growing up in his FOO, but everyone has to be responsible for their life choices.  That is why I am taking control of my own recovery.  For far too long, I believed my happiness would come with his recovery.  Can't waste any more precious time.

Glad you are "going places".  I understand what you have been through.  Isn't it great to be among people who get it?

[Mr.Downtrodden]

If I brought up a way to compromise it was met with "it is always my way." I am a drama queen, I can't do anything his way. No grey area at all. His way or the high way. He would say, "who is in charge here anyway?" Bizarre. No way I could hit middle ground to appease both of us. I was taking advantage of him if I compromised.

I was involved with someone exactly like that - she had a litany of problems, but I was told to take it or leave it.  

However, my own problems were always a green light for her to lecture, complain about and over react, to the point of starting an argument.  I was always the blame-e.

She would say "It's my way... .or the highway".  After one recycle, and a quick return to nagging and deflection, I took the highway option, much to her complete shock and surprise.  It was easy to leave, all feelings I had for her were just about drained by then.

Unfortunately, that road lead me right into another emotionally ruined female.  I had no idea until it was far too late.