I'm hurting and confused and actually miss him. I need help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't really know why I am writing. Well I guess because my one year relationship just came to an end.

For the millionth time.

He was a recovering addict when I met him and everything was good and he was cute and charming and we got along so well but he started drinking again and it just spiraled out of control.

He hurt me numerous occasions and when I would confront him about the drinking and drugs or we would figjt he would break up with me and just say "my feelings are gone, I don't love you anymore" then a week later would contact me. And the cycle would repeat itself. I am frustrated with myself for letting myself be involved in this break up, make up roller coaster but I did love him. And when everything was good I saw us living together.

I just am so confused how someone can switch from I love you, to I don't. I would try and explain that couple have fights and that's part of a relationship. It takes work. But he just would have his mind made up. But then two, three weeks later. Sometimes only days he would come back. Every time we tried to repair the relationship I realllllly had to work at trusting him.

I became soo worried sick he would up and dump me again, or change back to "those feelings are gone" I also became so jealous of female co workers because I felt like if he can dump me at the drop of a hat, maybe I am replaceable. It was one big cycle of "him coming back, promising me to help me through the issues we had, then him taking back that promise and breaking up with me again" I sometimes feel like it's all my fault. Maybe I should have left him alone about the drinking, maybe I shouldn't have been jealous. But to be honest I feel like even though this is also my fault, I feel like I was a byproduct of my situation.

The first break up he just said I don't like you, I was lonely. And then the next day texting me saying he was sad and missed me. That incident is what triggered all gm anxieties and fears.

Anyways I was wondering if this sounds at all familiar to people related to this disorder.

I'm hurting and confused and actually miss him. I need help

[ManyPieces]

I don't really know why I am writing. Well I guess because my one year relationship just came to an end.

For the millionth time.

He was a recovering addict when I met him and everything was good and he was cute and charming and we got along so well but he started drinking again and it just spiraled out of control.

He hurt me numerous occasions and when I would confront him about the drinking and drugs or we would figjt he would break up with me and just say "my feelings are gone, I don't love you anymore" then a week later would contact me. And the cycle would repeat itself. I am frustrated with myself for letting myself be involved in this break up, make up roller coaster but I did love him. And when everything was good I saw us living together.

I just am so confused how someone can switch from I love you, to I don't. I would try and explain that couple have fights and that's part of a relationship. It takes work. But he just would have his mind made up. But then two, three weeks later. Sometimes only days he would come back. Every time we tried to repair the relationship I realllllly had to work at trusting him.

I became soo worried sick he would up and dump me again, or change back to "those feelings are gone" I also became so jealous of female co workers because I felt like if he can dump me at the drop of a hat, maybe I am replaceable. It was one big cycle of "him coming back, promising me to help me through the issues we had, then him taking back that promise and breaking up with me again" I sometimes feel like it's all my fault. Maybe I should have left him alone about the drinking, maybe I shouldn't have been jealous. But to be honest I feel like even though this is also my fault, I feel like I was a byproduct of my situation.

The first break up he just said I don't like you, I was lonely. And then the next day texting me saying he was sad and missed me. That incident is what triggered all gm anxieties and fears.

Anyways I was wondering if this sounds at all familiar to people related to this disorder.

I'm hurting and confused and actually miss him. I need help

[leftconfused]

Hi Manypieces.  This is actually my first post but Ive been lurking for a few months now.  Felt compelled to respond to you because this was my experience as well.  Although mine was an admitted full blown alcoholic, not recovered.  We were off and on for over a year.  When he first left in July that is exactly what he said to me.  I don't love you anymore, I fell out of love.  I was shocked, I said no way, that is not possible.  Love doesn't just go away overnight and you were just professing your love for me yesterday.  This was just before I started researching and realizing that he is verly likely BPD.  After a few months of research and brought it up to him he didn't deny it.  I know he was in therapy for a couple years a while back so he may have known and not disclosed it to me.  I knew something was off about him for a while.  Intense overreactions to things I would say, he took everything personally even if it had nothing to do with him.

Anyway he actually came back to me two days later and said I do love you.  However things were never the same after that.  He put in little effort and when I confronted him and said, I thought we both committed to putting 100% in to save this relationship?  His response was, he realized he hadn't been putting the effort in, but its hard when your heart isn't in it.  I was crushed.  I think they do love us in their own way, but remember that we are dealing with the emotional capacity of a young child.  And since Ive been reading here for months Ive seen many many people say their ex said they didn't love them anymore when they left.  Read that thread a little ways down that is titled what did your ex say when they left.  you will see this is fairly common.  After I ended the relationship in November he said it again, and I quote "HELLOO! I didn't put any effort in because I DON'T LOVE YOU!"  Wow talk about hurtful.  I felt downright used at that point.  Why come back if you didn't love me?

I know it hurts tremendously, but for me when I started to realize that his actions were disordered and more about him than me, I felt much better.  Keep your head up and know that there isn't anything you could or shouldn't have done that would have changed any of this.  The relationship was destined to fail from the beginning.  

I still miss mine a lot too, but it gets easier every day.  I have not totally gone no contact yet.  Ive seen him a handful of times since I finally kicked him out in November.  I think it has actually helped me sort of step back and listen to all the hurtful things he says and does to me.  It no longer hurts me like it used to.  I just feel sorry for him and actually sometimes his actions are so irrational its kind of funny to me.  Its almost hard not laugh at him sometimes.  

Once you really have time to process all of this and take back your power you will feel a lot better I promise!  

[JRT]

I am really sorry that you are both going through these things. It might help to know that there are others that suffer in the same way.

I have been on these boards for nearly a month... .maybe two and have read many stories of BPD breakups. Both of yours seem to be variations on a theme, unfortunately. It is totally unfair to you and you deserve much better, but this is how they operate. After 2 years of bliss (mine was unusual in that we had a good relationship for the most part) moved in and then three weeks later, disappeared when I was out of town. The time I spoke with her was the night before where all was normal... .that was 4 months ago. I don't even know where she lives to forward mail!

This site has been enormously help for me in helping me not only to understand why she did what she did, but ways of coping with the aftermath. Its taken a long time for me to figure it out, but I know have pretty decent ideas regarding why she did what she did as well as why she had certain behaviors during the relationship. I hope that it helps you as much as it helps me.

[ManyPieces]

Leftconfused!

I am new to this so it took me forever to learn to respond . I might even be replying wrong. Thank you for replying and sharing your story. It has helped a great deal. Our stories sound similar and it helps to get a different perspective. I just cannot wait unti i feel like me again. I use to enjoy life so much and was so social and loved to travel. I think the relationship kinda changed me. Did you ever feel like you became someone you wernt in the relationship? I became so jealous and its not me. I feel guilty everyday... and not for him but for myself because that isn't me. I am sorry you had to go through this because no one should have to feel this pain. I find that this isnt a normal break up, its more than just heart break. I want to find the thread you suggested... .because his words when he left have been haunting me. He said the most hurtful things and i still couldn't be malicious and retaliate. Anyways im ranting now but it feels soo good to have an outlet and have people who are going through similar situations

[PaintedBlack28]

ManyPieces, I am sorry for what you are going through. This helped me a lot in the darkest hour. It was written by the user known as 2010 as a post for another user. But it can be applied to any of us. Here is the wisdom... read on:



Crushed,

    My heart goes out to you on this. I think we’ve all been there. When you answer the emails and demand reasons (and apologies) for the inappropriate behavior and they don’t come- it can be devastating.

Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse- only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you’ve crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder.)  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love- you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life *worth living* for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn’t understand love- they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is- otherwise they would feel it- you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You’ve got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting.  

[Penumbra66]

My ex could be extremely needy, demanding, and difficult, but in general, I felt like our relationship has been improving dramatically over the last six months. She seemed to become more independent, more capable of dealing with life without using me as a crutch. In fact, she was probably the most productive and healthiest that she had been in her entire adult life. She was looking forward to a stellar finish of her senior year in college, was gathering letters of recommendation for grad school from her professors, had a meaningful internships and numerous post graduation job opportunities. Then she began a "friendship" with my replacement: her Philosophy instructor, a married addict and alcoholic. They got high on their first date, and it was downhill from there.

My ex was an addict in recovery. She spoke about her past drug and alcohol use, which began in her teens, following the end of her first relationship. She used until she was 20 or 21, then quit cold turkey and had been sober for a couple of years when we met. Many of my friends were alcoholics or had serious drug problems when I was growing up, but I've never known any of them to simply stop and stay sober on their own. And if she quit all on her own, then she couldn't "really" be an addict, could she? There were very serious addiction problems in her family, and she was very philosophical about the problem. She actually had a wisdom regarding addiction that none of my friends ever had. She recognized the dangers, and took responsibility to stay out of situations where she would use.

When she first got high with the replacement, I was shocked. We talked about it, and for the first time I heard the scene rationalizations I'd heard from my friends growing up. It was fine, she said, because she was on an end of semester break, had no other responsibilities, and simply needed to relax and unwind. Within a week or so, she was using drugs and alcohol every single day. She begin missing class, missing her internship, or, when she made it there, closing herself in her office because she was so high she couldn't stay awake. As her grades fell, she even solicited her classmates for answers to a take-home midterm, emailing them and offer to pay them if they would send her the solution. And of course her classmates went straight to the professor. She crafted a plan to escape punishment, and I know she was successful. She could be extremely convincing.

Our relationship was utterly destroyed. When I learned about BPD, I realized that even before her relapse that she suffered many of the indicators, but her behavior after she started using again was completely shocking to me. Even six or seven months later, I still can't believe the things she did, or the things she said, or the way she treated me. She never claimed to stop loving me, it's just that, well, she just "fell" for the other guy, and needed to be with him "for now" but we were still soulmates and best friends and she couldn't imagine me not being part of her life, and maybe we could get back together down the road. it wasn't even your typical push and pull behavior, but clearly I had gone from being idealized to being devalued and discarded.

Somewhere from 40 to 70% of borderlines also have addiction problems. I was shocked when I first came to these boards, because there wasn't nearly as much mention of this as I had expected. I assume that, like me, you are trying to figure out the roll of addiction in the disintegration of your relationship. What if they maintained their sobriety? Could I have done something different to help them? The truth is, having a healthy relationship with someone suffering from addiction is nearly impossible. I look at friends from my youth, many of whom begin using as teenagers, and only one of them has maintained sobriety for any length of time. He's been sober for eight years. One thing he assured me of is that the decision to stop using belongs to them. Hoping, wishing, prodding on our end isn't likely to influence their behavior.

One of the purposes of this board is to accept our limits, to accept a lack of control over others. We post our stories here to be heard, so that we may be understood. And we read other's posts because we've been in similar places. The more you read and share, the more you notice the similarities in the behavior of our exes. BPD is a serious illness; add addiction to that, and the amount of chaos, distorted thinking, and abuse is likely to increase dramatically. Which brings me to one of the other purposes of this board: no matter how much we care about someone, we must protect ourselves first. We learn to establish boundaries. We learn that wishful thinking isn't helpful. We see the struggle of others and take heed in their warning.

I hope you find these boards useful. I certainly have. I still come here every single day, and write when I can.

Remember, you are not alone.

[leftconfused]

Manypieces - Yes!  I absolutely did become someone Im not in the relationship!  I had jealousy too that I never had before.  Over a long time friend of his.  I have many male friends myself and had no problem with opposite sex friendships but something always felt off about it.  Of course when I questioned him that gave him the ok to act insanely jealous of all my male friends and he would accuse me of being secretly in love with them or screwing them.  Then blame it on me that he was acting jealous, because I started it with his friend.  Long story short after the second break up and subsequent recycle he was at my house sleeping and he had made comments in a drunken stupor the night before about how she wanted him.  So, I decided to go through his phone and found him making comments to her about how great he was in bed now and how he always wanted  to have a family with her etc.  So in the end I wasn't jealous for no reason, my gut was dead on. 

Other than jealousy though.  Im like you, I loved life, Im a happy and positive person.  With him I was being drug down into this black hole of negativity and I became a shell of myself.  Even my friends would make comments, I want the old you back,etc!  Whats happened to you, are you ok?  This was a real wake up call for me.  These are friends that I talk to on a daily basis and they could tell just in my voice and mannerisms that I was not myself!  After this third break up in November I really feel back to my old self.  Im getting comments all the time about how I seem myself again and they are happy to have me back.  Really weird to think that such a short relationship could have such a profound effect on me.  I was a mess when he left the first time and didn't make it to work for three days and just cried uncontrollably.  I was married previously for 18 years and that divorce was way easier than this!  Its just crazy.

Like JRT said, this place is a lifesaver.  While I haven't participated up until today, Ive spend hours reading.  Its really comforting knowing we aren't alone and that this wasn't our fault.  We just got mixed up with the wrong people.  That idealization phase is a killer!  However, going forward we will know what to look for to avoid ever going through this again!

[ManyPieces]

you know what always confused me, was that i feel like within the relationship i became the needy one, because i was always scared he would switch. Leaving him after our hangouts and dates i would feel empty, worried and just unhappy. Wouldn't someone with this disorder be the needy one?

with the addiction i felt a lot like you Penumbra66, I still battle the fact that he is actually an addict because of the ability to control it sometimes. I almost feel like he wanted to have a problem. Like a cry for attention. I feel so bad saying that because at the end of the day I don't really understand addiction so I feel maybe I shouldn't judge. There would be months where he would have his life together and it seemed to be getting back on track. I always felt that when i asked to go do things, go on dates, go to hockey games (push for a healthy normal relationship) he would try his best and take a huge leap forward. Then the next day after these dates he would take 10 huge steps back and just switch and dump me.

He had a terrible experience when he was a teen and was abandoned and I always feel like maybe that has something to do with this all. IM learning that the more space i get from him the more i can get outside the bubble and see our relationship for what it was. I still miss him and think about him everyday