Hurt my BPD ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Maybe you guys can help me; I REALLY need it... .I was dating this girl on and off for about three months. We became very close very quickly. I was absolutely nuts about her! I still am... .But I didn't understand that she had Borderline Personality Disorder. I have Bipolar Disorder myself and tend to manage it rather well, but still become mildly depressed from time to time. Anyway, my ex was constantly switching from loving me to hating me and wanting me with her forever to not wanting anything to do with me at all, etc etc... .And being that I was a little depressed myself, I believed all the negative things she said about hating me and not wanting me, and I didn't believe all the good things about liking me and wanting to be with me... .So after 3 months, I told myself that she just didn't like me and that I could never be good enough for her, and I decided to take a job in another state far away. I left her. And I told her only the day before I left because I hadn't decided for sure if I was going to go and because she was never one who could discuss anything... .I want to make clear though that I did not leave because I couldn't tolerate her moods and behavior, etc. I left because I truly believed she wanted me gone. I am in love with this girl. And I never wanted to go. When I told her I was leaving she told me to go and said she was happy because she no longer felt obligated to be with me. I believed this. And that confirmed my decision to go. We still talked very briefly through text for about a week, but I could tell she didn't want to. Then our anniversary came around, and I hadn't heard from her for 3 days. I was very upset and foolishly threw my phone in the ocean on impulse. A week later, I got my new phone, and I texted her to see how she was and apologize if she tried to contact me at all (though I doubt she did)... .She would not respond to my message. I messaged her a couple days later telling her that I was so sorry and that I cared about her so much. Then I texted her one last time telling her that I just want her to be happy in life... .she never responded. So I quit my job and came back home-I bought her a very expensive gift that I knew she would love and wrote her a farewell letter telling her that she was the most beautiful girl I ever knew but that I promised not to bother her anymore after this and to not write back (though I doubt she would have anyway) to prove that I was not trying to get something from her. I was going to give her the gift myself, but I ran into her friend, so I let her give it to her instead. Now all this is done, and my therapist tells me she's got BPD... .And now I realize I handled everything wrong. He says she did really like me but was afraid of me leaving her... .that she didn't really want me to move away... .and that I shouldn't have written her a farewell letter but rather told her that I would give her space but be there if she wanted to talk again... .I've ruined everything with the most beautiful girl... .She won't talk to me. And I imagine she's hurting really bad (She had a tremendous amount of emotional pain and was a cutter)... .I don't know what to do. I'm worried. I'm sad. I care about her so much. I don't know what to do. Please help! THANK YOU!

[jsantiago]

Maybe you guys can help me; I REALLY need it... .I was dating this girl on and off for about three months. We became very close very quickly. I was absolutely nuts about her! I still am... .But I didn't understand that she had Borderline Personality Disorder. I have Bipolar Disorder myself and tend to manage it rather well, but still become mildly depressed from time to time. Anyway, my ex was constantly switching from loving me to hating me and wanting me with her forever to not wanting anything to do with me at all, etc etc... .And being that I was a little depressed myself, I believed all the negative things she said about hating me and not wanting me, and I didn't believe all the good things about liking me and wanting to be with me... .So after 3 months, I told myself that she just didn't like me and that I could never be good enough for her, and I decided to take a job in another state far away. I left her. And I told her only the day before I left because I hadn't decided for sure if I was going to go and because she was never one who could discuss anything... .I want to make clear though that I did not leave because I couldn't tolerate her moods and behavior, etc. I left because I truly believed she wanted me gone. I am in love with this girl. And I never wanted to go. When I told her I was leaving she told me to go and said she was happy because she no longer felt obligated to be with me. I believed this. And that confirmed my decision to go. We still talked very briefly through text for about a week, but I could tell she didn't want to. Then our anniversary came around, and I hadn't heard from her for 3 days. I was very upset and foolishly threw my phone in the ocean on impulse. A week later, I got my new phone, and I texted her to see how she was and apologize if she tried to contact me at all (though I doubt she did)... .She would not respond to my message. I messaged her a couple days later telling her that I was so sorry and that I cared about her so much. Then I texted her one last time telling her that I just want her to be happy in life... .she never responded. So I quit my job and came back home-I bought her a very expensive gift that I knew she would love and wrote her a farewell letter telling her that she was the most beautiful girl I ever knew but that I promised not to bother her anymore after this and to not write back (though I doubt she would have anyway) to prove that I was not trying to get something from her. I was going to give her the gift myself, but I ran into her friend, so I let her give it to her instead. Now all this is done, and my therapist tells me she's got BPD... .And now I realize I handled everything wrong. He says she did really like me but was afraid of me leaving her... .that she didn't really want me to move away... .and that I shouldn't have written her a farewell letter but rather told her that I would give her space but be there if she wanted to talk again... .I've ruined everything with the most beautiful girl... .She won't talk to me. And I imagine she's hurting really bad (She had a tremendous amount of emotional pain and was a cutter)... .I don't know what to do. I'm worried. I'm sad. I care about her so much. I don't know what to do. Please help! THANK YOU!

[Mutt]

and my therapist tells me she's got BPD... .And now I realize I handled everything wrong. He says she did really like me but was afraid of me leaving her... .that she didn't really want me to move away... .and that I shouldn't have written her a farewell letter but rather told her that I would give her space but be there if she wanted to talk again.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't be hard on yourself jsantiago.

BPD is a complex and misunderstood disorder and many members weren't aware of their partners behaviors or mental illness, myself included. We're not professionals?

Read as much as you can about BPD, you will become proficient over time.

I think it helps to understand that the fear of abandonment / engulfment are not rational fears and we can't take the blame for it or talk someone out of it.

I agree with your T, the best thing to do is give her space. Don't text, gift, write letters and let her come around on her own terms.

How are you coping?

It will seem as if these fears result dirctly from the behavior of our adult partner, but these are phantom fears from childhood.   What is hurting us is gone but still stimulates. We are reacting to the inner landscape of our own past, a landscape ravaged by archaic plunder that has never been acknowledged, restored, or forgiven.  Fears of abandonment and engulfment are cellular reflexes, and we are wise not to take our parnter's display of them too personally.  These fears are not rational so we cannot talk someone out of them or blame someone for them.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi jsantiago, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.   

I understand how you could feel that you did everything wrong, but you should not blame yourself. You did not cause the disorder. Even if you did everything "right" it still could have been "wrong."

My person with BPD (pwBPD) has told me, "EaglesJuJu you could have done everything 'right' it still would not have mattered, this is a problem I have. Sometimes it is never enough."  My pwBPD is right, the disorder is perplexing.

As Mutt suggested, learning about BPD helps us from blaming ourselves.  Have you had a chance to read about BPD?

[jsantiago]

Thank you Mutt and EaglesJuju!

Yes, I have been reading extensively on BPD the past couple weeks... .

Coping has been difficult... .I think what is hardest is that I wish I could have understood at the time that even though she told me to leave, she really wanted me to stay. I would have stayed in a heartbeat! And I just found out from her friend that she told her right out she didn't really want me to go and that she misses me. That makes this even more difficult. She must have felt so abandoned when I left and probably still does. But I believed her "Go. I want you to leave." If I would have just understood... .It kills me that she can't understand that I left because I thought SHE wanted me to and not because I wanted to, that she probably mistakes my trying to do what she wanted as abandonment... .

Thank you both SO much!

[EaglesJuju]

And I just found out from her friend that she told her right out she didn't really want me to go and that she misses me. That makes this even more difficult.

This news from her friend seems promising. 

I understand how it is difficult to know that your pwBPD misses you, but is not contacting you. I have experienced the same thing with my bf during periods of no contact (NC).

PwBPD sometimes need space when feelings/emotions become overwhelming.  Abandonment fears tend to bring up overwhelming feelings or dysregulation. 

From my experience, my bf always reaches out to me when he is finished with his space.

During our periods of NC, I focus on improving and working on myself. Having a support system of family, friends, my therapist, and this site really help me cope and work on myself. In a way, periods of NC are a blessing in disguise. You can really have the opportunity to work on yourself and become a stronger person. Becoming a stronger person is beneficial to you and your pwBPD if/when she decides to reconnect.

It can be easy to ruminate on past events and blaming ourselves for what we should have or could have done.  I found that ruminating made things more difficult to me. It is better to focus on the present, since we cannot change the past.

What types of things can you presently focus/work on?

[jsantiago]

I am glad you brought up using periods of NC to work on myself and become stronger. I think one thing I can do is continue educating myself on BPD so that I can be of better help and support to her if she does return. And even if she does not, I feel that I am still learning quite a bit about people in general-their pains and fears, etc, and that there are different ways to help different people. And sometimes the best way to be there for someone is to not be there, whether that is only temporary while they need their space or even if it is permanent and it means goodbye... .it's funny because even if I never hear from her again, I have never really left her; I am always there for her, even if she does not realize or want this. I am there in my heart and always will be. And yes, I agree, we cannot change the past-focusing on what I can do here and now is best! Thank you so much for your support! Take care!

[EaglesJuju]

Working on yourself is a great idea.   

I found that posting really helped me work through many feelings and is very therapeutic for me.

And sometimes the best way to be there for someone is to not be there, whether that is only temporary while they need their space or even if it is permanent and it means goodbye

This is a really good point.   

I never thought about it like this and it is absolutely true.  Your comment really resonated with me.   

[jsantiago]

Thank you! And I'm glad