New to the group

[Rail33]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago but immediately left the diagnosing therapist. She struggles with alcohol abuse as well and still will not entertain a conversation on her mental health or the BPD.  I am trying to find the best way to re-address the BPD and the need to actively see someone for help.  I am sure someone has similar experience with this. 

Bobby

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and  Rail33!

You have indeed found a place where people understand and have gone through the exact same things...

One thing I've seen is that MANY pwBPD are very resistant to the idea that they need help, and avoid getting it. In many cases, the label BPD is difficult and triggering for them to hear, and makes things worse. Many refuse therapy. Many quit therapy after starting. And many get at least some therapy, and do improve.

Getting her into therapy is a great goal, and if she gets in and does the hard work, it should help a great deal. But you cannot make her go, and even if you could, you cannot make her do the work.

My suggestion is that you try to focus on what you can do about her beahvior (with you), not just how to get her into therapy. There is a lot you can do for yourself (not requiring her cooperation) as well.

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation?

Do you and your wife have any children?

What is she doing that is difficult or hurting you?

Has she been getting worse lately?

[waverider]

Took a year from diag to acceptance in our case. That was followed by self harming in an attempt to force the "system" to fix her.

In effect acceptance of the disorder is accepting everything you blamed on the world, was at least in part your own doing... That is no easy thing to accept.

You cant rush the process, in the meantime work on your own side of the fence, you cant fix hers for her.

[Stalwart]

Hey Rail:

I feel for the situation you're in and it must be somewhat disappointing for you after having gone far enough for her to get a diagnosis and probably hoping like most that it would be a huge springboard toward a better relationship.

One really positive thing about the diagnosis is that it is a springboard, at least for your understanding going forward; learning and learning how you can adopt both tools to better manage your relationship on a better keel and change the things about yourself that may have in the past worsened the relationship between the two of you. Understanding and learning about her thinking, accepting her reality and working to the best of your ability knowing the situation is everything to changing dynamics.

I was taken with Waverider's response. It must be difficult when you've justified years of very challenging rationalizations for past actions that leave you chronically and sometimes constantly in memory of guilt, remorse and to a large degree knowing you're actually accountable for nasty or negative relationship situations is tough to accept for someone who struggles every moment to just keep their inner soul and head up to any degree they can to walk forward.

In my wife's case she did finally after several cancellations go for diagnostic testing and continued on with therapy. In the past she had gone through uncountable therapists. For their part and hers they were, working under improper diagnosis all those years and so was her therapists. It took her finding a female who was really experienced working with BPD patients before she found her 'fit'. It's been two and half years and she loves her therapist. I do believe it's all in the match. There are a lot of people in the field that are not experienced enough, at all or do not relate well to a person with this disorder.

There will be reasons in her mind why she didn't want to continue in therapy - do you know what they are; I mean REALLY know what they are so you're aware of what opportunities might exist to help encourage her back into it. With knowing and helping validate her feeling about her past therapy experiences and/or therapist problems you have her reasons that you can work with to help validate her feelings in some way about not having been good for her and suggest she seek a therapist that can better understand her and might have a better knowledge base and experience to work with her toward personal goals and DBT training.

I do know from my own experience that finding someone who is really qualified and exceptional dealing with this disorder is not easy. In fact I have relatively good coverage through work but the people my wife sees are outside the scope of that coverage so we have to pay it out of pocket. Small price to pay for the real and helpful improvements she's made in herself over the past two years as a result. Still an expense to manage though.

I really hope as well that you're taking the time and effort to learn absolutely everything you can to learn more about her way of thinking, reasons for that and learning to better respond and support her in a way she feels save. It is a huge dynamics changer and from my perspective it takes a lot on the part of the person with this illness to move forward toward a better and wanted relationship but it takes an equal or even more intense effort on the part of the spouse to learn to move forward in better ways for her, yourself, your futures and changing the dynamics around (especially if there was a lot in the past to 'put behind you' in order to free the path forward without personal obstructions to keep climbing over or falling off of.

Finding ways to validate her feelings about her past therapy experiences being a bad personal fit for her and encouraging her to try new therapists and opportunities is about the only way you can help her accomplish that if she ever chooses to from my experience. It really does take the research to ensure the next time she goes, if she goes that it's with both the sex she prefers and can open up to, and someone with the credentials and past-experience that is really qualified, experienced and good at doing their jobs.

Hope this helps and I really hope you can help her find that path forward for herself that can assist her development.

Rick