This feels very confronting, but I guess you guys have heard it all before.
Well, I'm 37, have two amazing kids (10 & 12) and this year will be married 16 years to a 'suspected' BPD sufferer.
I had given up trying to tell my story because no one seemed to get it. 'Think happy thoughts', 'try Mindfullness', get marriage counselling', ' you're depressed, get some meds from you're GP'. Every one seemed to mean well but nothing made any difference. I wasn't coping and I had nowhere to go. My friends and family seem to have been weeded out of my life to the point where my SO was the only one there for me, but at the same time was the one tormenting me. I was going crazy. I had to be. I was the only one seeing problems in our relationship. If I could just see things his way. everything would be fine. If I could just do things his way, life would be happy. If I didn't rock the boat, he wouldn't get angry. If he did get violent, it was never how I remembered it. I must have over-reacted, exaggerated, after all he loves me. It sounded so simple at the time. Apparently if I see the problems then its me who needs help... .
So begins my therapist hopping, one after the other, trying to find someone to tell me what is wrong with me so I can be fixed and get on with life. I tell my story, they tell me there is nothing wrong with me, maybe a little depressed due to my environment, I try another one who would hopefully see my true mental state. The same story which is not helpful because no one else is going to do anything to help me.
In my research for me, I came across BPD and the light went on. I cried for hours. Every thing I read, books, sites, articles, all were like reading my life with my husband. It was a relief but terrifying at the same time. All of the warnings against upsetting him, leaving him, enabling him. I had a new direction with my therapy (I stuck with one who was familiar with BPD and saw it without me mentioning it) I wanted to learn how to deal with the behaviours and maybe things would be better. It got worse, the less he could manipulate me the worse it got. After four years of trying that, one loud and frightening night I took the kids and got out.
That was 10 months ago. I am now in a place of limbo where he is trying to make me come back though nothing has changed. He cannot accept that I am not there and will not accept me not going back. The thought of making it clear that it is over is frightening. One minute I'm renovating my home and running my own business, the next I'm living with my parents and am unemployed. Feel like such a no-hoper. Not to mention what he is capable of doing when he realises I'm not going back.
Not sure whether I'm looking for advice or an ear that understands for the time being.
That's enough of a rant for one night.
Thanks for the ear.
