For those of you who feel helpless.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For those who feel helpless. For those who are detached but still ruminating, driving by their house, checking their Facebook, and fear they found a replacement. Here is what I've learned and am putting into action. My only thoughts of her anymore are fear of her coming back around. Anyway I hope this helps you depersonalize your pain, and hopefully at least gives you insight and a place to begin your journey back to happy.

Get off Facebook! They could rename it narcbook and it would be more appropriate. We may be tempted to drive by their place to see if their car is there. We may have an urge to see if they are at that local bar you'd go together, we may want to check their social media sites, but why?

Part of our problem with why we became involved with these characters is the fact that we probably had low self esteem (may not have even realized it or felt it) but the idealization phase makes us feel alive. We bond with someone who makes us feel whole for the first time and they do so by filling in all our holes we have in our own core. It's less about the way they are. They aren't amazing, (we all know this and lived it) So why the hook? Especially when we see how awful they are.

The pain. The agony. The depression. The loss of hope. It comes from the fact we weren't whole when we met them. We had core deficits. They sensed this. That's what love bombing is all about. They mirror the perfect person and fill all our insecurities and deficits. We are the greatest ever! We are the best lover! We are the sweetest guy! We are the best! They need us! And that feeling of being whole, is because we have allowed someone ELSE besides us, to validate our self worth. You see, it's not that we miss them. We know who they are behind the mask. What we miss, isn't them. It's the way THEY made us feel about OURSELVES. We felt whole because they mirrored our deficits and filled them all in. That's the hook. That's the manipulation. And that's what makes them feel like soulmates. It's also what makes the devaluation so painful. This person who made us whole, who we felt a bond with because of this that we have never felt before. Alive. Becomes the very trusted person who is ripping us apart piece by piece. That is utterly devastating.

That's why it's imperative for us to identify core values, learn about boundaries, and start to build a healthy self esteem. You see, if you have a valid self worth, love bombing doesn't work. That's why when the npd or BPD loveboms a person with healthy self esteem, they get weirded out and probably laugh at them. And that's why they don't target the healthy emotional person, they move on to a target who responds with that glow when they idealize us, that's how they know they hit the right chord.

My point in saying this is. Once we realize we can not measure our self worth through the eyes of another person, that by definition means we should not be on social media or tracking them down. If we still have this problem of measuring our self worth through them, we are going to see pictures of them love bombing some other guy (who will end up just like us) but in that picture of them smiling with this person, we will yet again measure our self worth through THEM not US and the picture of them happy, smiling, is going to do nothing but make us feel even more worthless than we do now.

So for anyone reading this, understand this. Work on yourself. You made a split or they made a split. And keep it that way. Once you are healthy and can feel that wholeness on your own, the beauty is you will feel better, you won't need validation by anyone else's reactions (confidence) and that will attract confident people to you who are healthy rather than tyrants. And the best part? Our ex's will be like that scenario above, even if they try, they will realize they no longer can illicit that "look" in our eyes of striking the right chord. Because WE DON'T NEED THEIR VALIDATION anymore. We feel damn good about who we are on our own.

[anxiety5]

For those who feel helpless. For those who are detached but still ruminating, driving by their house, checking their Facebook, and fear they found a replacement. Here is what I've learned and am putting into action. My only thoughts of her anymore are fear of her coming back around. Anyway I hope this helps you depersonalize your pain, and hopefully at least gives you insight and a place to begin your journey back to happy.

Get off Facebook! They could rename it narcbook and it would be more appropriate. We may be tempted to drive by their place to see if their car is there. We may have an urge to see if they are at that local bar you'd go together, we may want to check their social media sites, but why?

Part of our problem with why we became involved with these characters is the fact that we probably had low self esteem (may not have even realized it or felt it) but the idealization phase makes us feel alive. We bond with someone who makes us feel whole for the first time and they do so by filling in all our holes we have in our own core. It's less about the way they are. They aren't amazing, (we all know this and lived it) So why the hook? Especially when we see how awful they are.

The pain. The agony. The depression. The loss of hope. It comes from the fact we weren't whole when we met them. We had core deficits. They sensed this. That's what love bombing is all about. They mirror the perfect person and fill all our insecurities and deficits. We are the greatest ever! We are the best lover! We are the sweetest guy! We are the best! They need us! And that feeling of being whole, is because we have allowed someone ELSE besides us, to validate our self worth. You see, it's not that we miss them. We know who they are behind the mask. What we miss, isn't them. It's the way THEY made us feel about OURSELVES. We felt whole because they mirrored our deficits and filled them all in. That's the hook. That's the manipulation. And that's what makes them feel like soulmates. It's also what makes the devaluation so painful. This person who made us whole, who we felt a bond with because of this that we have never felt before. Alive. Becomes the very trusted person who is ripping us apart piece by piece. That is utterly devastating.

That's why it's imperative for us to identify core values, learn about boundaries, and start to build a healthy self esteem. You see, if you have a valid self worth, love bombing doesn't work. That's why when the npd or BPD loveboms a person with healthy self esteem, they get weirded out and probably laugh at them. And that's why they don't target the healthy emotional person, they move on to a target who responds with that glow when they idealize us, that's how they know they hit the right chord.

My point in saying this is. Once we realize we can not measure our self worth through the eyes of another person, that by definition means we should not be on social media or tracking them down. If we still have this problem of measuring our self worth through them, we are going to see pictures of them love bombing some other guy (who will end up just like us) but in that picture of them smiling with this person, we will yet again measure our self worth through THEM not US and the picture of them happy, smiling, is going to do nothing but make us feel even more worthless than we do now.

So for anyone reading this, understand this. Work on yourself. You made a split or they made a split. And keep it that way. Once you are healthy and can feel that wholeness on your own, the beauty is you will feel better, you won't need validation by anyone else's reactions (confidence) and that will attract confident people to you who are healthy rather than tyrants. And the best part? Our ex's will be like that scenario above, even if they try, they will realize they no longer can illicit that "look" in our eyes of striking the right chord. Because WE DON'T NEED THEIR VALIDATION anymore. We feel damn good about who we are on our own.

[peace_seeker]

Thanks anxiety5 for sharing this! This is definitely a timely reminder for me.

[enlighten me]

I also feel that part of the problem we face with disconnecting is due to addiction.

Theres a lot of evidence out there that shows the brain patterns of people who are broken hearted are similar to that of a drug addict in withdrawal. Love releases a lot of hormones and we become chemically addicted to them when the supply is withdrawn we go cold turkey. Anyone who has come off drugs or given up smoking will understand the cravings and constant thinking about getting another hit.

Theres not a lot you can do apart from get a new supply or fight through it. Hopefully by realising we are addicts to our BPD we can ease our confusion and this in my case has helped a little in the detatchment process.

[peace_seeker]

I also feel that part of the problem we face with disconnecting is due to addiction.

Theres a lot of evidence out there that shows the brain patterns of people who are broken hearted are similar to that of a drug addict in withdrawal. Love releases a lot of hormones and we become chemically addicted to them when the supply is withdrawn we go cold turkey. Anyone who has come off drugs or given up smoking will understand the cravings and constant thinking about getting another hit.

Theres not a lot you can do apart from get a new supply or fight through it. Hopefully by realising we are addicts to our BPD we can ease our confusion and this in my case has helped a little in the detatchment process.

Hi enlighten me, I agree with you. it's so hard to know what's absolutely right or wrong when dealing with an emotional problem (whether i'm recovering the right way or not etc)... .but when I read scientific papers as such that proves we are just suffering from an addiction, it helps to put things into perspective and gives comfort knowing that this feeling will eventually pass. Thanks for the reminder

[CloseToFreedom]

What a great post and really spot on.

I'm going throught it myself now for 2 months after breaking up for the 10th time. Never been without her for that long but I'm really going through with this. Not that I have a choice; she already has a replacement that she's lovebombing and plastering pictures of them 'in love' on social media. I even was at the same party as them this weekend and had to endure their behaviour.

Your description of breaking the addiction really is spot on. I wasn't in love with her, not in the beginning. She was smothering me with love and I felt high on it, she filled the holes that were inside of me. And yes, that's why it hurt so much when the idealisation phase was over.

On to better days. I'm choosing to not be in a relationship right now, because I'd just 'use' it for the same wrong reasons. I'm living for myself now and I will do that for some time.

[anxiety5]

I also feel that part of the problem we face with disconnecting is due to addiction.

Theres a lot of evidence out there that shows the brain patterns of people who are broken hearted are similar to that of a drug addict in withdrawal. Love releases a lot of hormones and we become chemically addicted to them when the supply is withdrawn we go cold turkey. Anyone who has come off drugs or given up smoking will understand the cravings and constant thinking about getting another hit.

Theres not a lot you can do apart from get a new supply or fight through it. Hopefully by realising we are addicts to our BPD we can ease our confusion and this in my case has helped a little in the detatchment process.

I definitely agree with this. My ex was drop dead gorgeous. A 10. I've never been so attracted to someone physically.

Much like an addict is never "cured" I don't think I'll ever find her unattractive and quite possibly I may never have anyone with those physical attributes again.

What's ironic is much of their behavior helped me break even the most primal type of physical attraction that played a role in me not being able to break free.

She had no physical relationship with her ex husband for over a year prior to their split. She told me everyone thought this was odd, but she didn't care. It's not something that even matters to her. *red flag

Our relationship was very physical at first, chemistry was second to none in that respect. But as my guard dropped, and as I got closer to her something changed. Slowly and surely it started to become less, it was always on her terms, and even the act itself became more about her not anything to do with me.

Point being, I see where this was headed. So as much as I may think to myself, man too bad I couldn't work things out with the most gorgeous person ever, the truth is, if I would have married her, I would have ended up in a sexless marriage where the act was transactional and about control. (so what am I really missing?)

Furthermore, her cheating is the event which made me connect all these dots. It came at a time when we were never better, it was totally impulsive, out of nowhere and had no basis to anything. We hadn't ever even been in a fight at that point.

When I read how they chase, but when they capture you, they lose interest. You are no longer a challenge. You're adulation and love for them becomes a given. And the bottomless pit begins to leak from it's temporary state of fill. They need a new source. A fresh source of validation, admiration, excitement and a way to triangulate you into a state of anxiety and heightened suspense to give more.

When stressed, she had a meltdown and in that moment she could not deal with work. She could not handle her life. She could not deal with our relationship and the intimacy and closeness. So she sought a quick escape impulsively where she could validate with no long term connection.

Infact it's a paradox. The more I tried loving her and getting close, the more likely she was to act out in this way. This means it's not a winnable situation. You lose either way.

Even if you did stay, you'd eventually be delegated to a sexless relationship because as a captured person, you no longer offered the challenge.

My point is I realized that the physical attraction I felt towards her as we aged would never be replaced with love because her habits were too destructive to ever warrant that.


So yeah, she's hot. Yeah, I'll miss it. But it's suicidal emotionally to hold on to that.

[Ayreana]

Hi,

What a good post, very confronting! It has been 8 weeks now, and it is the hardest time ever. I notice, that I am not confident about myself at all. I am at the point, that I am 100% sure that my relationship is over, I do not want to go back to that relationship ever!

For a few weeks I have had some attention from a man, on the one hand it flatters me big time, but on the other hand I am scared. Scared as hell, because I notice how I react to that. And it is not normal, I think. It is a bit the same as before, it fills some needs and emptiness in me. And that doesn't feel right.

Does anyone have some tips how to overcome my low self esteem? And when do you know when you are ready for a new relationship?

That is my main struggle right now, how do I fill the emptiness inside, MYSELF?

[enlighten me]

When I ssplit from my ex wife I booked a diving holiday. I had always wanted to learn but never had the time or the money. It was amazing. It gave me a completely new experience.

It is good to get out of the ruts we find ourself in. We need to find ourselves again as for so long we have just been an extension of someone elses needs and a mechanism for them being met.

New experiences whether it be travel, exercise, food or whatever are good for us.

Time is our greatest healer and in time you will realise that your self esteem took a battering as you were a victim of abuse. We all have our faults but it doesnt make us worthless which is how our exs can leave us feeling. When you realise that the opinion of someone with a disturbed mind doesnt really matter then you are on the way to regaining your self esteem.

[drummerboy]

I think I know how you feel, I'm 12 months since b/u and stayed in the low self esteem stage for quite a while, I think what I did wrong in the grieving process was to try and skip the anger stage by being Mr Nice Guy. I sort of had to go back and do the anger stage and things went better after that. The main thing I learned from my T was to not worry about how long you are taking to grieve and to not push away the hurt, to actually accept them and not suppress them. That's how the healing occurs, it doesn't happen when you push them away by saying "I shouldn't be feeling this" that just sets up another turmoil inside in addition to the pain. So lean into the pain, the pain is teaching us lessons, don't rush it.

To fully address your self esteem may require some work with a therapist, self esteem often comes from childhood scars and these are not easy to access without help. Again, you have to reach inside to the wound and actually feel and process the pain from the wound. I always thought I had pretty high self esteem but my T soon showed me otherwise, I'd been acting self assured to cover up low self esteem. It isn't something that can be rushed but, done properly, the results are amazing, a real sense of calm and peace and strength. This is the gift that my BPDex gave to me, if it wasn't for her ending it I would never have gone to therapy and at therapy I started to see the light, I stopped blaming everything on others and started to reach inside and what I found was pretty darn good underneath all the crap I'd piled on myself over the years. Good luck, we'll always be here,

Hi,

What a good post, very confronting! It has been 8 weeks now, and it is the hardest time ever. I notice, that I am not confident about myself at all. I am at the point, that I am 100% sure that my relationship is over, I do not want to go back to that relationship ever!

For a few weeks I have had some attention from a man, on the one hand it flatters me big time, but on the other hand I am scared. Scared as hell, because I notice how I react to that. And it is not normal, I think. It is a bit the same as before, it fills some needs and emptiness in me. And that doesn't feel right.

Does anyone have some tips how to overcome my low self esteem? And when do you know when you are ready for a new relationship?

That is my main struggle right now, how do I fill the emptiness inside, MYSELF?

[Ayreana]

I think I know how you feel, I'm 12 months since b/u and stayed in the low self esteem stage for quite a while, I think what I did wrong in the grieving process was to try and skip the anger stage by being Mr Nice Guy. I sort of had to go back and do the anger stage and things went better after that. The main thing I learned from my T was to not worry about how long you are taking to grieve and to not push away the hurt, to actually accept them and not suppress them. That's how the healing occurs, it doesn't happen when you push them away by saying "I shouldn't be feeling this" that just sets up another turmoil inside in addition to the pain. So lean into the pain, the pain is teaching us lessons, don't rush it.

To fully address your self esteem may require some work with a therapist, self esteem often comes from childhood scars and these are not easy to access without help. Again, you have to reach inside to the wound and actually feel and process the pain from the wound. I always thought I had pretty high self esteem but my T soon showed me otherwise, I'd been acting self assured to cover up low self esteem. It isn't something that can be rushed but, done properly, the results are amazing, a real sense of calm and peace and strength. This is the gift that my BPDex gave to me, if it wasn't for her ending it I would never have gone to therapy and at therapy I started to see the light, I stopped blaming everything on others and started to reach inside and what I found was pretty darn good underneath all the crap I'd piled on myself over the years. Good luck, we'll always be here,

Hi,

What a good post, very confronting! It has been 8 weeks now, and it is the hardest time ever. I notice, that I am not confident about myself at all. I am at the point, that I am 100% sure that my relationship is over, I do not want to go back to that relationship ever!

For a few weeks I have had some attention from a man, on the one hand it flatters me big time, but on the other hand I am scared. Scared as hell, because I notice how I react to that. And it is not normal, I think. It is a bit the same as before, it fills some needs and emptiness in me. And that doesn't feel right.

Does anyone have some tips how to overcome my low self esteem? And when do you know when you are ready for a new relationship?

That is my main struggle right now, how do I fill the emptiness inside, MYSELF?

Yes the anger stage... .come to think of it, I can't really say that I have been angry. Yes anger towards me, that I have been so stupid and naïeve about him. Thinking about it, I don't even know how to get angry, or at least I am angry for a short time.