From bad to worse, I don't want to go home...

[vortex of confusion]

What are you afraid of? What can he do besides burn up your phone with another 15 text messages?

You made it through that, and even got a nice conversation with your guilt while you were at it!

I think I understand her fear. When I have been away or tried to ignore phone calls/texts, I had a knot in the pit of my stomach. I would argue with myself, "Is this few minutes/hours of peace worth the crap that I am going to have to deal with when I get home?" I could ignore a text or call all day long but I knew that I was eventually going to have to face him. And THAT is what I was most afraid of when I was trying to stop the calls and texts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bloomer]

You're right, all he can do is send messages. So I sent him almost word for word what you suggested bc that's the best I can do right now. The only thing I changed is that I didn't say want to see you I said "will" see you.

He said "I am" (meaning terrified of me leaving) and then asked if he can speak to me for a few minutes. So I'm going to go back to NC.


VoC, you're right. It's the fear of what will happen if I do this for myself, just like it is when I do anything that isn't catering to him or might not be what he would want or expect, etc. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't even know where my head is right now. I do know that not talking to him feels better than the entangled mess of Wednesday when I couldn't get out of circular arguments.

Thanks everyone.   

[Bloomer]

It is a floodgate... .

And he went for the jugular. "Am I picking you up? Don't you want to feel what it's like when you've been away for a while and (our dog) comes to the airport?"

I do want to know what that feels like but I don't want to be in the car with you right now so I guess I'll have to settle for what it feels like when I walk in the door after 2 weeks, which is still really nice. Also, I think I've been very clear that he isn't picking me up. I said I'll be home at x time Saturday. Does anyone think I need to restate that I do not need a ride so he doesn't go to the airport?

[vortex of confusion]

He is going to ask the same question over and over and over again until he gets the answer that he wants. My husband does that. I can give him the same answer and he persists because he knows that in the past I would cave.

Don't cave! If you don't want him to pick you up, then stick with it. Your options are:

-Don't respond at all to this.

-Respond with "Sister is picking me up at time. I am looking forward to seeing you and the dog at home." (Or something like that.) He is trying to bait you.

[Bloomer]

Of course there's a part of me that wants him to come with our dog and get me. Unfortunately, the reality and the fantasy of that desire are two different things. It's not going to be this sweet reunion after two weeks of being lovey and missing each other. I also think I need the time in the car to take some deep breaths after traveling all night.

I did text to make sure the plan was clear and hopefully show some more compassion. Even  maybe more than I am feeling at this moment but probably an appropriate amount for the person I took vows with. I think the irony of this is that when we were apart (long distance) and he was dysregulating several times a day, I would get so worried when he threatened to break up with me or stopped talking to me and I would freak out. I know what it feels like and he didn't even do it with any kindness (like call me horrible names and then stop speaking to me). So at least I've been keeping my anger in check and handling it on my own.

He did say he appreciates the message I sent. He still doesn't understand why I don't want him to pick me up and it would mean so much for him bc he never got to pick me up at the airport... .I feel like he had a chance to do it and now that's gone. And I'm not responding bc I can do this and it's ok for me to do things for ME and not for him. It's ok to be firm with him if it is done mindfully and for my well being. It's OK. The world hasn't exploded. It probably won't explode when my sister gets to the airport.

[Notwendy]

There's no telling why about the airport thing. It's what they make it to be.

My H is usually busy with work. Once one of our kids was coming back from a trip. I offered to go the airport on my own and let my H have some free time.

That turned into him accusing me of robbing him of time with his child, that child would tell me all about the trip and then when we got home, not tell him anything. (That's not true. Usually a child coming back from a trip is so tired, that they fall asleep in the car, and are happy to tell Dad about the trip, even if they already told me).

Now, had I asked him to go to the airport- it would have been " Can't you see how busy I am? I have less free time than you. It isn't fair that I should go do that too".

IMHO, it isn't about the airport but how they are feeling at the moment. In this case, no solution to the airport pick up is going to change that.

[Bloomer]

"IMHO, it isn't about the airport but how they are feeling at the moment. In this case, no solution to the airport pick up is going to change that." -NotWendy

Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head. If I say yes, there might be another request that follows. It isn't going to fix the situation or likely make him feel that much better bc it's not like I'm going to be overjoyed in the car. I wouldn't even want to talk until we got home bc car discussions are almost always a very poor choice of location. Nothing like being in a moving vehicle on the highway during an argument to make you feel trapped!

He asked me to go to therapy with him 2 hours after I'm supposed to get home Saturday. I will go because that seems like a safer place to talk about things than on our own. And his therapist is usually pretty good at helping us communicate when emotions take over. She's a dbt/BPD specialist.

[Bloomer]

Waiting for my last flight back to my home city. He sent me several messages yesterday, many trying to get me to change my mind, some trying to bait me into reaching out. Eventually they stopped. I'm feeling extremely nervous about going home still. I don't even know what to say. I don't necessarily feel angry, or at least it hasn't hit me yet. I think I've shut down a bit; it could be the lack of sleep.

My sister knows nothing about my marriage. My asking for a ride has set off her alarm system and I had to tell her a general reason when I asked, so I just said marriage stuff and that I'd tell her more. That I was fine things were just not good right now. I feel compelled to lie. I'm not sure if I tell her about BPD or if I just say we're going through "a rough patch" (one that lasts the entire span of the relationship). I'm still protecting him from my family after all the history there. I even asked my sister not to tell my parents she was getting me. Before I left, my dad asked me if everything was ok. I said yes and lied to him, too. My sister is a survivor of domestic violence. My parents helped get her out. This is an extremely raw subject in my family. If I ever told them before I was sure my marriage was over, they would not accept my H. He would feel betrayed.

I'm still glad it's my sister coming but I can feel the stress in ever bone. I'll try to update everyone later this evening. Thanks again for all the support.

[Notwendy]

I used to take what my H said to me as his truth when he was distressed, but now I realize that it is the "distress" talking, and he says what he thinks is logical to support the feeling. I was making myself crazy trying to fulfill his wishes, according to what he said, but it was a constantly changing statement.

Like my airport story- what he said was about his feelings, and no matter what I tried to do to accomodate his statement, the story would have fit his feelings regardless.

This doesn't mean we can't validate them, but we can validate the feelings. My mistake was validating him by doing what he said, but since what he said isn't really what is going on, that doesn't validate him.

The airport thing is about him feeling left out. He works a lot and feels left out. Some of this is his doing though, because even when he is home, he's not always "present" and his not speaking personally leaves him isolated. One thing he is jealous of is my relationship with the kids, but I never excluded him. The door is always open for him to have a close relationship with them. He's the one that doesn't walk through it as much. He feels bad about that, and projects it on to me. Hence the " You're keeping me from the kids", or justifying his situation with "Can't you see how busy I am with work?". This comes out in all different ways.

I have found that what we agree on up front can be completely undone in an instant depending on how he feels. There is also a difference between his ideal self- the one who is the awesome good guy, the understanding husband, the good father- which he is most of the time, but nobody is perfect all of the time. He can not tolerate his imperfect side and so it becomes an unconscious part of him until he dissasociates.

An example of this is that I am, in general, a good mom, and I love my kids, but there isn't a mom on the planet who doesn't get irritated some times. I have not raged or yelled at the kids in a destructive way, but I have been irritable, at times. Sometimes they have been mad at me. So when we get into these things, I try to work it out, apologize, and the kids know I love them and things are good most of the time. My H runs on being "perfect" all of the time, and when he is not, it goes into self hatred. We all see one side of him. I'm the only one who is "privileged" *ugh* to see the other side. My kids see all of me.

So, my H will go through different scenarios. If his kid doesn't see him first at the airport, he looks like a bad dad. If he goes to the airport, he doesn't get done what he needs to do and he feels bad about that too. He may agree to one of those options, and then deal with feeling bad either way. So either agreement is likely to lead to bad feelings. We may have an "agreement" which could lead to a blow up no matter what.

My H wants to be the supportive guy who was supportive of my career. So he agrees to watch the kids so I can go to a conference. However, my leaving triggers fears in him, and in that moment, he wigs out and refuses to watch the kids. The "agreement' we had is different when he begins to feel bad about it.  Once he agreed to drive a truck for a move, but it made him late for work. He went on a rant about how his (newly licensed) kid needed to learn to drive a truck. We came up with an agreement that he'd teach the kid to drive one. He completely forgot about it because what he was upset about had nothing to do with his kid learning to drive, but him getting to work on time. Once we were visiting his family, but there was bad weather and I thought we had an agreement to make the visit brief so we could get home. He felt bad about not spending time with his family, and this turned into a rant about me not wanting to spend more time with them because I didn't like them, ( he came up with that out of thin air it isn't true) so the agreement about the weather was completely changed by his feelings which he blamed me for.

Your H agreed to an open marriage, because at the time, he thought he should, or felt that this would be what you wanted, or that it was in alignment with the self he wishes to show to the world- maybe that of a modern cool guy who could contain his jealousy and be tolerant. He agreed to being what he thought he should be and what he wanted you to see him as. This concealed his fears and insecurity. Since he was more focused on concealing them, not letting you see them, you assumed this was OK, but really, it wasn't. Now that you actually did it, he is facing these strong feelings.

I don't think he can actually express them, so he's going to express them by being angry at anything you do or did-the airport, the details of your "date", your sister, your cousin. You name it. But what he says is a smokescreen. Try to see the feelings behind it.

The one thing you did that I think is unsafe is Tinder. You don't know what you are getting with Tinder. While he would have been unhappy with anyone, a stranger introduces the possibility of real danger. I'm sure that scared the daylights out of him. I remember going on a trip with a female friend, and we were out late shopping at a mall. This was before cell phones. I was really just having a good time with my friend and not paying attention to the time. My H went crazy worrying about me.

I'm going to reiterate that an open relationship is emotionally stressful for many people, and would have to be for someone with a PD. IMHO, it would be like introducing a whole new set of things to agree on while emotions are being tested. If my H can't honor an agreement to watch the kids so I can go somewhere without him, even with nobody else, there is no way that he'd handle an open relationship. For me, personally, it isn't what I want. If it is important to you, then you may have to assert yourself, and deal with his emotions. I think this is the situation we are all in when we assert our wishes to do something that may not feel comfortable to them.

[Grey Kitty]

One thing I'm curious about is how your sister is doing regarding her former DV situation. How long has she been out of it? What stage in processing it is she currently in? Is she in a new r/s now, and if so, does it seem healthier? Is she stuck feeling like a victim (Have you seen the victim/survivor/thriver thing?)

Your marriage has verbal/emotional abuse in it. Depending on where she is, she could be either very supportive... .or be triggered, and potentially make more of a mess of things.

 I hope your reunion with your H went well.

[Bloomer]

She's been out for 6 years. She is recovered and in a new r/s. It is much healthier. He's the most laid back person you could ever meet. Their daughters, both from previous marriages, are best friends. He has taken over the father figure for my niece (10) and has shown her such love that my niece has basically stopped asking to see her own father bc she seems to understand that he isn't doing what he should be. Her father has been arrested since for abusing other women, is currently a junky not paying child support and my sister has told him he can give up his rights as a parent or she will take him back to court for sole custody as he hasn't paid child support in over a year. He has no job to pay for a lawyer though. I am immensely proud of her. I did see the victim/survivor/thriver thing. During her victim stage (which lasted a couple years after leaving) she developed an unhealthy r/s with alcohol. Our relationship suffered and I stopped speaking to her for a while. Her husband didn't only abuse her. He also molested me when I was a teenager. She didn't want to believe me then. We didn't really talk about it until a couple of years ago when we started speaking again and she had become a thriver. I was sort of absent for most of the survivor stage.

She was very supportive. I did tell her he has BPD. She told me she could see me going through it. She had suspected for a while because I sometimes go quiet. I have cried silently in her presence and told her nothing or said I was just depressed. She told me I always had a place to stay and she was always there to talk. She also told me she knows what it's like to feel so angry and lose control because you are so mad for things that have happened and for not being strong enough to stop it in the beginning. She promised not to tell my parents until or if I choose to.

That was a bit tangential. Back to the original topic. H was in a state when I got home. He shakes and his hands fidget constantly. He cries much of the time. I tried to keep my cool before therapy. It was really difficult. I did my best and managed not to yell. I was able to offer some comfort that he eventually accepted. He got very sick while I was away and hopes it is cancer so that he dies. He also told me he's been suicidal. He had a rope around his neck the other night but contacted a friend. I was not prepared for this. He blames me because I took space. He needed me and I took space; I abandoned him is what I keep hearing.

Our dog has a nickel size chunk of skin almost down to the bone missing from his front leg. H did not take him to the vet as I requested. He's been dressing the wound but the wound is deep. I feel angry that he did not take our dog, basically our child, to the doctor. I told him the dog needs to see the vet and I know he did his best to take care of him but the vet can do more, make sure it heals properly and doesn't get infected. I'm so angry about this. Our vet isn't even open today. Now it has to wait longer.

He scares me. The twitching and how he slips into anger from crying is terrifying. It makes me think there's more than BPD. Does this happen? I don't know what to do. He talked about wanting to die so much I am terrified he'll kill himself. Eventually he promised he wouldn't but I don't trust him.

We fought in therapy. We had the same argument we had 100 times on Wednesday about checking in. His thinking is warped. I started off handling my frustrations well. I kept my tone even and took deep breaths while he was talking nonsense. His therapist corrected him when she saw his warped thinking, checked in with me to find out the real story. My anxiety continued to build. He started raising his voice, speaking to me in that hostile way that I know all too well. The one that gives me goosebumps it scares me so much. And the fear breeds anxiety that births anger. I start to have an anxiety attack. I'm just crying unable to speak. His therapist urges me to take some deep breaths. I do. I try to explain how I feel like nothing is ever right. No matter what I do it's wrong. The constant pressure is too much. I can't take it. There's no room for me or my needs. She tries to mediate. He is still raising his voice and I explode. I screamed at him at the top of my voice that I'm done. This is no way to live and I can't do this anymore. I will never make this better. It's broken, there's too much damage. I leave and sit in the car, crying uncontrollably. After some time he comes outside and smokes a cigarette and gets in and hugs me. Says he's sorry for getting angry. That he knows he didn't handle me not checking in well. I say I just don't know what to do. Maybe there's too much damage. I love him so much, more than anything but it's just so ___ed up and when I try to fix it I lose myself.

We drive home and he's talking about suicide. I tell him that I don't want him to die. That I would be devastated. As I merge onto the highway things go south. He's screaming, I'm screaming. I put the window down to literally cool us both off.

At home we have gone from me being very supportive and caretaking to him freaking out and me freaking out. I do not know if I am capable of taking care of him in this state. I was already beyond my breaking point and now the responsibility is on me to make him feel better. To make him feel loved. Something I can never do, no matter how hard I've tried. He tells me his emotions and I have to have no feelings. I feel frustrated and even when I stay calm, he freaks out. He twitches and his hands move quickly and nervously. He cries, yells and runs away. Sometimes when he calms down he tries to grab me to make me talk to him. I ask him not to touch me. He gets upset.

I don't know what I'm doing. I both love him and feel terrible and feel trapped by him, more so than I ever have before. I feel like I'm lying when I say I'm not going to leave.

[Grey Kitty]

You don't have to deal with this alone. Especially suicidal talk. Call a suicide hotline next time, and see if you can get him to talk to them.

Sounds like your sister is there for you. That's good.

I'd like to say more, but I gotta run.

 GK

[Notwendy]

Bloomer, call 911 if this escalates.

Borderline means just that. They can be on the  side of the border between reality and a psychotic breakdown that is real, but they are close enough that something very stressful could put them over the edge. This is one of those times.

You've done nothing wrong. Even a mentally healthy person could feel a lot of jealousy and hurt over a poly relationship, but if someone can not manage strong painful feelings, it could push them over the edge. 

If someone is over the edge, they need medical intervention. Get help if you feel he needs it.

[Bloomer]

I've gotten him to calm down enough to cool the suicide talk. We're both very easily triggered. My two days of NC were great but he feels like I abandoned him. I told him I didn't abandon him and I had no idea he was suicidal from his text messages.

Yesterday he told me that several of his previous girlfriends went on trips, went NC or just didn't "check in" came back and broke up with him within weeks. He is convinced this is going to happen. He said they all say the same things to him at the end. That they feel trapped and he doesn't blame them. I am currently feeling torn between feeling so bad for him that he's in this place and feels that recovery is not possible and wanting to be the one who stays to wanting him to leave so I don't have to muster the guts to do it because I don't know if I can a) get over the past/present b) accept that he will never be the easy going person I fell in love with. I've been trying to keep my anger in check but have let some comments slip out. I managed not to raise my voice for most of  yesterday.

He initiated sex last night and something he did made me giggle and I said in a silly way, don't do that,it's too silly. His feelings were hurt and I explained I didn't mean to hurt him. I meant it in a playful way. He had to ask me again why I said it and I felt triggered. I'm so worn down from having the same conversation 2, 3, 4, 5... .20 times. I got a little triggered and started to shut down. Then he got upset with me. He said it would be nice to get a hug. So I gave him a hug and was letting it go and then he asked if I just didn't want to have sex with him. I got triggered again. I told him that I did want to have sex with him. The mood is kind of gone but it isn't because I don't find him attractive or want to have sex with him.

We got ready for bed and he talked to me more about feeling like this was the end. That he didn't want to go through this again and maybe should just leave me and move somewhere beautiful and be alone. I don't know what to say when he talks like this. I'm not going to beg him to stay. I don't have it in me. I love him so much and care for him. At the same time, I've been home two days and my body is riddled with stress. My back hurts, I have a headache, little energy, little to no motivation to do anything.

He asks me things like, what am I getting from this relationship (meaning me). I told him I love him and care about him and there are plenty of positive things about him as a person. He told me he misses having me as a friend. That he hasn't felt like I've been his friend like I was before we were together in a long time.  I feel the same but didn't tell him that. He talked about how angry I've become and how he can't handle the awful things I say to him. I told him I'm trying really not to say mean things and it isn't ok that I do. That I think it's abusive and awful and I feel really ashamed for doing it. I told him the things I say aren't true and he thinks they are. Sometimes there is some truth but I certainly still shouldn't say them. They're not helping anything.

Eventually we just stopped talking and fell asleep cuddling. He seems a little less twitchy today and yesterday I texted his therapist to tell her I'm very worried and asked her to check in with him. She did and offered him a session today after work. So, that's positive.

I have been emphatic that I do not want him to kill himself and that's the one thing that no matter how angry I am, I always tell him that I would never get over it, that other people would never get over it. He doesn't want to die so much as he wants to stop hurting people and losing people and he doesn't think he'll ever be able to get there.

I haven't forgotten all the reasons I fell in love with him. I cry when I think about not having him in my life. I also cry when I think about continuing in this state forever. I'm losing time. I'm missing out on enjoying moments. I want him to be better and I know that may not be realistic. I no longer believe in "recovered". I believe in improved but never free of those behaviors. I feel devastated in thinking about either outcome.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound really upset and triggered and afraid of what is happening to you and what you are doing.   

I'm going to suggest you take a step back and look at the situation:

#1: Your H gets triggered. (And usually gets lost and reacts badly! Very badly!)

#2: You get triggered. (And also react badly, much of the time.)

Here's the catch: Even if you were magically turned into the best parts of Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, and a few other non-violent saint types, #1 would still be true. Your H would still get triggered and react badly. So if you focus on problem #1, you have no traction.

That leaves you with three places for you to focus on:

#2A: Not having triggers. This is a long game, with therapy, etc. Your efforts here are very important, but they won't fix anything today or tomorrow.

Your best bet for today is to work on these two:

#2B: Not reacting badly when triggered.

#2C: Avoiding situations where you will be triggered.

One boundary that I recommend for you right now:

"I cannot manage my own reactions well enough to safely be in a car with my H right now."

Don't drive to MC with him--take two cars, or take a cab and let him drive. Having to roll the window down to cool things off when you are both screaming isn't worth the money savings!

My other suggestion is be very mindful of when you are getting upset/triggered, and take a time out. The best way you can... .but prioritize fast and clean over good/supportive/validating!

I've run out the door, trying not to shout or slam the door saying "If I stay with you any longer, I will say or do something I will regret later."

I can think of lots of better ways than that... .but I know that when I did it, I did NOT have access to any better ways. I only had access to WORSE options than that. So I'm pretty proud of myself for picking that option, even if I did kinda shout or kinda slam the door on my way out.

  Hang in there, and make sure you take care of yourself!

[Bloomer]

I agree with all of the above. I guess the crux of the issue is this.

#2C: Avoiding situations where you will be triggered.

Basically spending any amount of time with H is triggering. He fidgets constantly and looks really depressed. He's a hairpin trigger and I'm always aware of it. I want to run. Every nerve in my body is in flight mode and I can't do that because he's broken and I don't know what he'll do to himself. I'm going to do my best to handle my triggers but I literally fantasy on the hour about moving to where I was just visiting. And maybe I'll just think of that when I feel triggered. 

 Thanks Grey. I hope the Super Bowl went well.

[Grey Kitty]

Basically spending any amount of time with H is triggering. He fidgets constantly and looks really depressed. He's a hairpin trigger and I'm always aware of it. I want to run. Every nerve in my body is in flight mode and I can't do that because he's broken and I don't know what he'll do to himself.

Are you saying that you find your H's current behavior triggering?

It sounds like he is on the edge of dysregulation at any moment... .and that is very hard to be around, especially if you are afraid of what will happen when he does blow up.

Unfortunately, the more time you spend away from him, the more it triggers his fear of abandonment... .which makes him more on edge... .which makes you afraid to be around him... .vicious circle there.

The first idea that comes to mind are to try to bring this up in MC... .but since your MC couldn't stop the two of you from getting into a big fight last time, that might not be very safe.

The other idea is to work on making yourself feel more safe.

The path for that which I can see is getting really solid on boundaries and contingency plans, so you know that you can get away and protect yourself at any time of the day or night if he starts yelling at you.

That will help in two ways--first if you know you can get out safely, it is easier to stay.

Second, he will lose the "payoff" from a rage--if you aren't there to be raged at, it doesn't give him the satisfaction that it would.

Unfortunately, he goes for suicidal thoughts at times like that, and you don't want to risk that either. Have you read the topics we have on that yet?

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

[Bloomer]

I revisited the suicide threats tool. I think I've been doing a good job when he brings it up. When we're talking about other things, I'm not helping and we're fighting a lot. I'm still really angry. I still want a lot of space.

I've been curious about the fact that his therapist hasn't felt the need to take further action. I was in the room when he told her he had a rope around his neck. I'm starting to really wonder about her approach. She is his therapist, not our MC specifically. This was a one-off session because of the crisis. I don't normally go in with him.

I'll probably pack an emergency bag as  you suggested but I can't imagine leaving with the threat of him committing suicide and I know he knows that. If he seriously threatens again, I will be calling a hotline or 911 no question. I'm hoping he's calmed down enough not to threaten. I don't have a problem talking to him about those kinds of feelings and I never tell him they're wrong.

I haven't unpacked my suitcase yet. I haven't even showered today to be honest. I have had two phone calls with close friends to talk about things. I might soon be on the leaving board. I just can't see what either one of us is getting from this right now, no matter how much we love each other and want to make this work. There's just too much damage.

[Notwendy]

I didn't think it was possible, but after some of my own work on myself, my mother triggered me less. She still tried to push buttons but I didn't react. I went from trying to react to not reacting. I was amazed after years of this.

I don't think most of us will achieve sainthood, we can get triggered, but it is amazing when some of the triggers are gone. It was at about the time that my mom didn't trigger me as much, that my H didn't either. It took away some of his ability to push my buttons ( there's still plenty... )

It is hard work but wow when it pays off it is worth it. I started with boundaries, but those boundaries became a part of me. I can know better what is someone's emotional stuff and what is mine.

Whatever you can do to take care of yourself and your boundaries- after this episode calms down- is worth it

[Grey Kitty]

Well... .sounds like you need more space from him, at least temporarily.

I'm able to give that to my wife, and stay married... .at least for a while. Your H may not be able to.

Hang in there and take care of yourself!

[Bloomer]

We were watching a movie last night, after we ate the dinner that I made for us (ready the minute he got home just to be extra nice). I had texted one of my friends earlier and she finally replied so we were making plans to hang out this week. I remembered that my other friend always used to make us Groundhog's Day cookies (in the shape of a groundhog) in college and that I hadn't wished her a Happy Groundhog's Day. We see each other a few times a year and I always text her Feb 2 and her birthday. Well I could see H tensing up because now that he doesn't text people and I do, it drives him mad. He used to get mad at me for caring who he was texting and making comments. So eventually I just started texting my own friends and stopped worrying about him, makes sense right? Now it's a problem for him. The worst thing is that I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. I got what ended up being the last message from either of those two friends for the night and he got up, took the computer (which was supplying the movie to the TV) and stormed to the bedroom.

I had started to say what's going on but just left it. I texted some other friends to keep me busy and from following. He came out and apologized from storming out but said that his T had suggested during their session that day that he try to give me space to deal with my emotions since he wouldn't give me any kind of real separation. And I know he was trying and I did feel and say aloud thanks for deciding our marriage plan with your therapist. Eventually I just listened and I didn't raise my voice. I told him it was fine. He said he still wanted to sleep in the same bed (well, that's great since we only have one in our tiny apartment) but he was trying to give me space and avoid conflict.

So this is good. I guess. Except that I feel really angry that he won't try a separation. He says he already moved to a different country for me and if we separate he's just done. I don't know how long this will last and if it will actually do anything. I feel myself pulling away. I already have plans with friends for Thursday and Friday. My only goal right now is to not flip out and say nasty things to him. That's about all I can muster.

This morning my eyes weren't even open and he was trying to have deep conversation with me. He said as soon as he thought he had BPD he committed to changing... .That was almost 2 years ago. He wouldn't even go to therapy for months after that. I fought and fought for this r/s and that was always when he was breaking up with me so easily. Now that I've just been worn down after 3+ years he is turning around. I just feel like it's the same push and pull game. If I start to lean in, like I always do, he'll push me away again and it will start all over.

I have therapy today so that's good. Lots to fill my T in on.

[Bloomer]

I had therapy. I think it may be abundantly clear that this r/s is too painful for me. I have too many scars that I don't think I'm capable of healing if I stay. H is of course now very calm and keeps talking about how much he loves me and how things are better and we can work through this. And I'm just filled with anger. Everything reminds me of something from the past, sometimes distant sometimes not so distant. I haven't worked up the nerve. He keeps demanding answers. I'm terrified, like everyone else, that I'm giving up hope too soon. He was the guy that I used to dream about but I don't think that person was real. Some things were real and those are the things I love but I don't think they're enough to make up for everything else. I'm just keeping my distance. I've been making plans with friends for most evening this week. Also taking our dog to the vet since he didn't know to do that.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds so tough on you, Bloomer.

You need space to heal a bit and get your head straight.

His fear of abandonment is already through the roof.

Remember that it is OK for you to need the space for yourself, and that not giving yourself the space you need will be worse for your marriage than taking it.

Consider an evening away from the house alone too.

 GK

[Bloomer]

I've been trying just to stay quiet when I feel angry around him. When I have expressed anger, even in a reasonable way, he doesn't want anything to do with me and that's fine but I feel like he is being passive aggressive sometimes.

This morning I was still sleeping when he got up. He showered came back to the bedroom and turned on the light in the corner to change. I woke up and I wasn't mad bc he needed to change. It of course reminded me of all the times I got "in trouble" for waking him up in the morning, or even if I came to bed after him, and being told how inconsiderate I am. I no longer turn on a light when I am up before him. I use my phone now, maybe I don't have to any more but I don't care to test it out. He leaves the room to do other things. After it becomes clear that he's going to be gone more than a few, I get up and turn off the light and I'm definitely muttering to myself how inconsiderate and hypocritical he is. (I also had a migraine, which doesn't help feeling like any light is, well, the devil.) He comes back in after being gone about 20 minutes and tells me he heard me getting mad and how it's ridiculous because he needed to get ready. I told him I understand he needed to get ready, and that was fine, but then he just left the light on. He said he wasn't finished. I said he could have turned it off and turned it back on later. Eventually I just stopped talking.

This is just an example of something that sets me off and I feel like I can't be completely out of bounds in thinking he's doing some of these things just to antagonize me. And then he acts all calm, like I'm insane for thinking he's inconsiderate. I haven't done it recently, but I'm pretty sure if he was sleeping in later, especially if he wasn't feeling well, he would be pretty upset with me. And this is where my anger is born. At some point, he has had so many expectations of me and I've gone out of my way to change behaviors (my fault, I know) but now he keeps saying things are different, he's different. Should I have just turned off the light without saying anything? Probably.

I'll have a break after work taking the dog to the vet. Another evening spent sitting in rush hour traffic to do something he couldn't do while I was away for 2 weeks. Not to mention that he honestly believes he did everything he could for our dog's injury and I feel like he neglected him. And he defends his decision because he didn't know he wasn't doing the right thing. But then I come back to the fact that he didn't even tell me how bad it was so that I could weigh in on the decision if should he go to the vet or not. He just lied to me, so as not to worry me and then didn't take him. And this might be more problematic than anything he's ever done to me.

I do need space and I'm realizing that I just have to take it and if he can't handle it and leaves, then that's his choice. I called my mother yesterday bc one of her oldest friends died and instead of consoling her, as I'd planned, I wasn't very comforting bc I was so angry/anxious and also haven't told her anything about my marriage. I apologized and told her I was just stressed/jet lagged/hormonal but I really don't like how it's seeping into other areas of my life and I need to get a handle on it.