Recovery but reminders

[Heldfast]

Has anyone ever had any success in moving on with their lives, but reaching out periodically to their BPD ex to offer simple, gentle reminders of the love you had for them? If so, how were these received? Has anyone been able to get their ex back to a place of companionship and healing?

[Mutt]

Hi Heldfast,

I co-parent and I talk to my ex. I find it works if I don't talk about our past relationship and I keep the conversation about our kids. She knows the difference between right and wrong, she feels shame. I have boundaries and I don't think telling anything about the past relationship would be well received and it would trigger her.

I wouldn't quantify it as companionship or friendship. I would quantify it as amicable and easier for me to negotiate the needs of the kids with her. I had to do a lot of work on myself to reach this.

I think it's really important to focus on ourselves, detach and heal, learn about BPD. What do you mean by healing? Help yourself or help her with healing?

[Heldfast]

In the first instance I mean I am healing, I am 8 weeks out now, after a two and a half year relationship and engagement with MC through proxies. But I am curious as to whether the slow play can influence her towards healing herself and finding a place where we can have something again. I'm not saying this out of need, I'm in a pretty good place right now. But weighing all options, I want to know if this is one of them.

[Mutt]

In the first instance I mean I am healing, I am 8 weeks out now, after a two and a half year relationship and engagement with MC through proxies. But I am curious as to whether the slow play can influence her towards healing herself and finding a place where we can have something again. I'm not saying this out of need, I'm in a pretty good place right now. But weighing all options, I want to know if this is one of them.

I'm happy to hear you feel better. From my experience it took me a long time to come to terms with mental illness and that someone I love is afflicted with and suffers from a serious personality disorder.

I'm of sound mind whereas her belief system is distorted. Her reality is different than mine and she survives day by day. BPD is ingrained in her personality and she hasn't given me any sort of indicator of self-awareness. I think that she has to have a sense that there's something off and that she needs help for herself. I don't think that I could convince her otherwise. This isn't the case with every pwBPD, some choose to get help.

You know her best than anyone in the boards. How self-aware is she? Does she think she may be mentally ill? Does she have a desire to seek help?

That being said, I acknowledged that I was in denial that my ex is sick. I didn't want to believe that someone that was of very significant importance to me is mentally ill. As much as I didn't like this, I had to accept reality for what it is to ease my feelings and come to terms with them.

I understand her coping skills are very different than mine and I have an anxious attachment style. I had to let her go and take the love and focus I had on her. Turn that back on myself for my self care, so that I could have strong mental health to take care if our kids. I had to accept my denial that she's mentally ill and it's not something that I can fix or convince her to help herself.

Our marriage and r/s is in the past and I live in the present, circumstances are different and she's in a new committed relationship. Her new significant other could try to help, her family members or perhaps my kids when they're older. I focus on my well-being. I can have compassion with boundaries. I'm also careful that I don't get enmeshed in her stuff or try to rescue her.

[Heldfast]

She's aware but currently running from it. Has moved away to be with another man, one from her oast, who her parents dread. Basically, all mutual friends are in a full court press, sliwly but surely reminding her of what she had, and that she should think long and hard before truly giving that up.

[Mutt]

She lacks impulse control, doesn't learn from previous actions or has an understanding of circumstances of one's actions, she has difficulties seeing the bigger picture and her basic survival is getting through the day. I'm sorry.

[Heldfast]

Mutt, you are completely. On point. But considering the network i have in my corner, i am curious as to whether i still have any power over this. If i do, I'll wield it. If I don't,  I'll. Still be ok. At tgis poibt, it's an army, against 1 BPD, and 4 enablers.