If Ex With BPD Wasn't Diagnosed By A Professional, Did You Bring It Up To Them?

[borderpatrol]

After I put the pieces together and learned about BPD, I had no doubt what was going on. I found a few online test which she scored off the charts. Everything about her upbringing and life's history fit to a tee. Toward the end of our relationship when her splitting, manipulation, Xanax abuse,alcohol abuse, and total 360 turn around of any and all events really came to a head, I stated in one of our heated bouts that "I should of never trusted a borderline"! She proclaimed that I was a borderline, everything that she had been doing she twisted to make me seem like the bad guy. I said it out of anger, but I was hoping maybe she herself would look into it, maybe she would see the light and seek help. A few days later when I started to be painted white again she mentioned I'm a borderline according to you we can talk about it... .of course that never took place. The last two weeks of our relationship she ended three or four quarrels with you think I'm a borderline. I wish I never let on that I figured it out and I think that it pushed her away further, because she didn't want to admit to it. I really don't know if she was ever diagnosed or it was brought up to her before maybe during her divorce or past relationships? Did anyone else ever bring it up to their EX with BPD?

[paperlung]

I brought it up to her once near the end of our relationship, told her I had been reading up about, and she got offended. After we broke and I went NC, she called my house while I was at school and she told my mom a doctor had diagnosed her as BPD. I felt validated.

A year later, we started to text again, and I asked her if she had been getting treatment and she said:

Yes. Psychologist/social workers/doctors/psychiatrist... Basically they all tell me different things... Basically I'm a product of how I grew up and how sad it all is and I should be proud. For not killing myself or whatever I guess. Everyone told me to forget about the BPD diagnoses but I feel sometimes I shouldn't.

Months later I ask her via text what she thinks of that BPD diagnosis she got shortly after we broke up. This is her response:

It was never actually a diagnosis. I learned that once I read the fine print. It says "initial impression" and he was a doctor. So he cannot diagnose people. I honestly feel like I don't have it. As far as symptoms go... I just think I've suffered from bad depression and anxiety and obviously problems from stemming from my childhood. Its hard to say really. Most BPD people lead much more chaotic lives than I do. If I do have it then its a mild form cause I don't seem to fit the mold entirely... .The people I've seen haven't given me the impression I have it because of how I behave apparently. But I won't rule it out that I could possibly have it.


Her older sister apparently got diagnosed with it not too long ago. Also, her comment about people with BPD living way more chaotic lives than her... .. Her's is as chaotic as it gets.

[borderpatrol]

I brought it up to her once near the end of our relationship, told her I had been reading up about, and she got offended. After we broke and I went NC, she called my house while I was at school and she told my mom a doctor had diagnosed her as BPD. I felt validated.

A year later, we started to text again, and I asked her if she had been getting treatment and she said:

Yes. Psychologist/social workers/doctors/psychiatrist... Basically they all tell me different things... Basically I'm a product of how I grew up and how sad it all is and I should be proud. For not killing myself or whatever I guess. Everyone told me to forget about the BPD diagnoses but I feel sometimes I shouldn't.

Months later I ask her via text what she thinks of that BPD diagnosis she got shortly after we broke up. This is her response:

It was never actually a diagnosis. I learned that once I read the fine print. It says "initial impression" and he was a doctor. So he cannot diagnose people. I honestly feel like I don't have it. As far as symptoms go... I just think I've suffered from bad depression and anxiety and obviously problems from stemming from my childhood. Its hard to say really. Most BPD people lead much more chaotic lives than I do. If I do have it then its a mild form cause I don't seem to fit the mold entirely... .The people I've seen haven't given me the impression I have it because of how I behave apparently. But I won't rule it out that I could possibly have it.


Her older sister apparently got diagnosed with it not too long ago. Also, her comment about people with BPD living way more chaotic lives than her... .. Her's is as chaotic as it gets.

Wow paperlung glad you got some validation and maybe it felt a little like closure. Interesting the chaotic comment and the sister's diagnosis, maybe in a way you helped them some .

[paperlung]

I brought it up to her once near the end of our relationship, told her I had been reading up about, and she got offended. After we broke and I went NC, she called my house while I was at school and she told my mom a doctor had diagnosed her as BPD. I felt validated.

A year later, we started to text again, and I asked her if she had been getting treatment and she said:

Yes. Psychologist/social workers/doctors/psychiatrist... Basically they all tell me different things... Basically I'm a product of how I grew up and how sad it all is and I should be proud. For not killing myself or whatever I guess. Everyone told me to forget about the BPD diagnoses but I feel sometimes I shouldn't.

Months later I ask her via text what she thinks of that BPD diagnosis she got shortly after we broke up. This is her response:

It was never actually a diagnosis. I learned that once I read the fine print. It says "initial impression" and he was a doctor. So he cannot diagnose people. I honestly feel like I don't have it. As far as symptoms go... I just think I've suffered from bad depression and anxiety and obviously problems from stemming from my childhood. Its hard to say really. Most BPD people lead much more chaotic lives than I do. If I do have it then its a mild form cause I don't seem to fit the mold entirely... .The people I've seen haven't given me the impression I have it because of how I behave apparently. But I won't rule it out that I could possibly have it.


Her older sister apparently got diagnosed with it not too long ago. Also, her comment about people with BPD living way more chaotic lives than her... .. Her's is as chaotic as it gets.

Wow paperlung glad you got some validation and maybe it felt a little like closure. Interesting the chaotic comment and the sister's diagnosis, maybe in a way you helped them some .

Not sure if you know my story or not, but it's pretty insane. I used to post here pretty frequently in late 2012/early 2013. When I broke NC after a year though she was living pretty far away from me so I wasn't afraid to re-engage again. She told me she was moving back where I live (only 6 miles away) and was going to get help/therapy/whatever. Since she's moved back all she has done is fool around, meeting guys off Tinder and POF. I asked her if she was still going to get some treatment like a week ago and she said something along the lines of, "I don't think I need it anymore. October and November were just very stressful months for me (she moved back here at the end of December). I'm feeling better now." So, there you go.  

It's like she gets these moments of clarity for a while, but then they go away. She's even admitted this to me before.

[Infern0]

During or RS,  I knew something was wrong with her although she claimed she had ":)epression" she was on several meds and you know,  her behaviour was incredibly confusing and odd. If I pushed her she used to say "they don't know what's wrong with me"

After the break up I found out about BPD and she ticked all the boxes for it.

When we got back in contact she asked me for help and was pretty open so I asked her if she had ever been diagnosed with anything and she said that she had,  I asked if it was BPD and she admitted yes.

I felt like sherlock holmes in his prime.

[Turkish]

When we were still living together, while she was "throwing in my face" (a favorite term of hers) her juvenile r/s, I did tell her she was borderline personality disorder. I was triggered when I thought she said she was going to take our children. I came here shortly afterwards, and found out that such armchair accusations were unproductive to say the least. Months later, she auto-diagnosed herself as having some unspecified attachment disorder. I was silent at that point. It would have changed nothing. Later, she accused me of "throwing my sickness in my face." Her word, "sick." Only one time I urged her to get help after we came home, asked me to watch the kids, and went and collapsed upon my bed sobbing, the bed she had abandoned for the couch months previously. She came out an hour later, right as rain on the surface. I urged her to get help. I triggered her shame. She threw it back at me and after that I went LC, as much as I could do while still living with her.

[ogopogodude]

This is a good thread topic. 

I certainly brought the topic (of BPD) up to my (ex)wife  as I was all excited that I learned about the affliction from Randi Kreger's book Walking on Eggshells.  I did the EXACT opposite of what was recommended NOT to do... .and that was to not rush over and tell your signif other that you discovered what is the problem and that NOW the problem can be fixed.

After skimming the book from cover to cover (rather than reading every page, chapter after chapter, IN ORDER, ... .) I was soo excited that I found out what she had, ... .  it was like I discovered plutonium and I wanted to share the secret with my best friend (who had this awful affliction).  I figured that it was a simple case of removing the bad part (like a solenoid or motherboard chip and getting a new one) and then all is fixed.     Boy, was I ever wrong. 

I should have read every word of Randi's book rather than skimming it over.  I did talk with many doctors, and a therapist about her odd/bizarre behaviour and they verified it (in absentia) by viewing my video and audio tapes and her weird content in texts and emails.                       

The smarter thing that I could have done if I could turn back the clock was to have shut the F completely up and discuss things with the doctors and therapists before hand and THEN have a marriage counselling session with the physician and let the doctor bring up the topic. Then there would not have been so much resistant to admitting the affliction exists.

In other words, ... I was a total idiot. 

[neverloveagain]

I hate to say it but in desperation after we split up i did bring it up to her when she was in mid extinction bursting texing me. It shut the blackhole for good for me. Not a peep since and i dont think i ever will, guess it was wrong but she always wanted answers to her inner chaos.

[borderpatrol]

During or RS,  I knew something was wrong with her although she claimed she had ":)epression" she was on several meds and you know,  her behaviour was incredibly confusing and odd. If I pushed her she used to say "they don't know what's wrong with me"

After the break up I found out about BPD and she ticked all the boxes for it.

When we got back in contact she asked me for help and was pretty open so I asked her if she had ever been diagnosed with anything and she said that she had,  I asked if it was BPD and she admitted yes.

I felt like sherlock holmes in his prime.

Mine always said "you never dated anyone like me"... .that's for dam shore, nice job Sherlock!

[borderpatrol]

When we were still living together, while she was "throwing in my face" (a favorite term of hers) her juvrnile r/s, I did tell her she was borderline personality disorder. I was triggered when I thought she said she was going to take our children. I came here shortly afterwards, and found out that such armchair accusations were unproductive to say the least. Months later, she auto-diagnosed herself as having some unspecified attachment disorder. I was silent at that point. It would have changed nothing. Later, she accused me of "throwing my sickness in my face." Her word, "sick." Only one time I urged her to get help after we came home,.asked me to watch the kids, and went and collapsed upon my bed sobbing, the bed she had abandoned for the couch months previously. She came out an hour later, right as rain on the surface. I urged her to get help. I triggered her shame. She threw it back at me and after that I went LC, as much as I could do while still living with her.

Mine would also accuse me of using her weakness against her, when it was clear she's was an alcoholic and abusing Xanex, my concern for her well being was "I'm not changing for you or anyone" I also triggered a lot of shame in her, no one else would ever tell her the truth. It's clear to me know she attached to enablers.

[borderpatrol]

This is a good thread topic. 

I certainly brought the topic (of BPD) up to my (ex)wife  as I was all excited that I learned about the affliction from Randi Kreger's book Walking on Eggshells.  I did the EXACT opposite of what was recommended NOT to do... .and that was to not rush over and tell your signif other that you discovered what is the problem and that NOW the problem can be fixed.

After skimming the book from cover to cover (rather than reading every page, chapter after chapter, IN ORDER, ... .) I was soo excited that I found out what she had, ... .  it was like I discovered plutonium and I wanted to share the secret with my best friend (who had this awful affliction).  I figured that it was a simple case of removing the bad part (like a solenoid or motherboard chip and getting a new one) and then all is fixed.     Boy, was I ever wrong. 

I should have read every word of Randi's book rather than skimming it over.  I did talk with many doctors, and a therapist about her odd/bizarre behaviour and they verified it (in absentia) by viewing my video and audio tapes and her weird content in texts and emails.                       

The smarter thing that I could have done if I could turn back the clock was to have shut the F completely up and discuss things with the doctors and therapists before hand and THEN have a marriage counselling session with the physician and let the doctor bring up the topic. Then there would not have been so much resistant to admitting the affliction exists.

In other words, ... I was a total idiot. 

I to wish I remained silent and observed, but when bullied, pushed and manipulated, it's never been my nature to back away. In the end I learned it was always going to be a no win situation dealing with someone who has a distorted reality.

[borderpatrol]

I hate to say it but in desperation after we split up i did bring it up to her when she was in mid extinction bursting texing me. It shut the blackhole for good for me. Not a peep since and i dont think i ever will, guess it was wrong but she always wanted answers to her inner chaos.

I don't think mine really ever believed she had a disorder, she did admit she was addicted to prescription Xanax and had an alcohol problem but never hinted she was going to do anything to change it. Often raged at me to accept me for who I am, I'm not changing for anyone, Love all of me or none of me etc.etc.

[Ripped Heart]

My old T once told me I should never bring up the topic because she was both BPD and NPD and wouldn't accept it. She once told me that I had BPD/NPD because she started to research it. T thought this was good enough in one aspect because she was reading about it  but wanted me to know that this was projection and that everything she was saying to me was actually about her.

You also find that many health professionals don't like to use labels, so you find that while one person may diagnose, another might suggest there are a number of Cluster B traits, another might even suggest they are perfectly fine. Some of this is tactics from professionals as they need to gain the persons trust in order to work with them. I know when I first saw my T interacting with exN/BPDw I actually felt triggered and like I was the one who was the problem.

What I ended up seeing over the course of things is that by gaining her trust, the crazy really did come out which is what T needed to be able to make an accurate diagnosis. ExN/BPDw was never going to be able to accept the truth and T was never going to be able to work with her so he never told her the diagnosis, instead he cut her off, abandoned her so to speak and braced himself for the rage (which did come and further validated me that I wasn't the crazy one) Instead, he shifted his attention to me because he could work with me and help me to see what was really going on and how to protect myself.

BPDgf is a very different story, she has sought out help, she has been diagnosed with BPD, though to her it means Bi-Polar Disorder. So given that she has a limited awareness and understanding of some of her behaviours it's easier to talk though things with her at times without bringing up the fact that her BPD is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. The way I've approached the situation now is to reassure her that there is help when she is feeling like she wants to die. That I'm learning and trying to understand what she is feeling so I can support her but that I can't help her, I could if I would but it has to be her that wants to address those feelings.

I even talk to her openly about my therapy but not suggested she does the same. Most of it is because I want to make the changes in my life that I need to but there is also another part which is that I hope by showing her that it's ok to seek help to understand that it removes some of the stigma attached with seeking professional help, but would never say that to her face.

[new2pain]

She is the one who told me she thought she was BPD but insisted she could take care of it on her own(sure she could)and would not see a T. After I found out about replacement she had in place before leaving. I went NC for 4 days, she called me and said she knew I had a book about BPD and wanted to borrow it because she realized she did need help... .She came to house got the book had good convo and she actually called to schedule appointment spend next few days doing things together. This was past wknd, now it has been pretty much silent treatment from her. She did tell me the Dr. called and said he didnt take her insurance and she felt it was a set back... .She has not been diagnosed but it seems like our relationship has been the case model for this website.

[clydegriffith]

I found out about BPD while i was still with her. I was googling stuff about women prone to violence and came across and article on the Disorder and sat there reading in amazement. Aside from the cutting, she fit the descriptions to a tee and i'm fully convinced that she suffers from this.

I approached the subject to her once after an argument and she seemed candid, she acknowledged that "something" was wrong with her and that she would try to get better. I actually ended up giving her a copy of the I Hate you, Dont Leave Me book, which she said she read and would try to work on herself. Of course she wasn't really going to try to get better and was only saying those things to recylce like so many times before.

[new2pain]

Ugh!

Thats the same book I gave her.  She started reading it and crying acknowledging it was her, then the set back with insurance and she is back to LC... .

I can not even imagine what she is going through, but I know I feel like a suffocating man who keeps getting just enough breath to have hope.

[ogopogodude]

Here is how much of an idiot I was, ... .In total, I bought at least six or seven copies of Randi Kreger's soft cover book (Walking on Eggshells). This is very good reading and I highly recommend it to any family that has a loved one with BPD.

Anyways, ... .

The very first copy that I got from Chapters book store,  I high-lighted important passages etc (just like I did any purchased textbook in University) and I would just leave the book in plain view on my night table for my undiagnosed BPD spouse to see.  Well, ... let it be said, that this did not go well at all.  The text book disappeared into the depths of hell and so I promptly went out and bought another.  Same thing happened. Then I bought another. Repeat. Over & over.

Later, during some argument my spouse claimed to have dug a hole in the backyard somewhere and that is where they all are.  I betcha Randi Kreger likes idiots like me.  This is how she sells a LOT of books, I would presume.

Whatever the case, I have to confess that I had fantasies of duct taping my wife to a chair so she could not move one inch and also duct taping her mouth so she could not argue or interrupt  (boy,... could she yell and argue, ... she just wouldn't shut up) and then the fantasies would continue by my reading passages from this book. 

(Sort of like a priest would perform an exorcism)

[Tim300]

Here is how much of an idiot I was, ... .In total, I bought at least six or seven copies of Randi Kreger's soft cover book (Walking on Eggshells). This is very good reading and I highly recommend it to any family that has a loved one with BPD.

Anyways, ... .

The very first copy that I got from Chapters book store,  I high-lighted important passages etc (just like I did any purchased textbook in University) and I would just leave the book in plain view on my night table for my undiagnosed BPD spouse to see.  Well, ... let it be said, that this did not go well at all.  The text book disappeared into the depths of hell and so I promptly went out and bought another.  Same thing happened. Then I bought another. Repeat. Over & over.

Later, during some argument my spouse claimed to have dug a hole in the backyard somewhere and that is where they all are.  I betcha Randi Kreger likes idiots like me.  This is how she sells a LOT of books, I would presume.

Whatever the case, I have to confess that I had fantasies of duct taping my wife to a chair so she could not move one inch and also duct taping her mouth so she could not argue or interrupt  (boy,... could she yell and argue, ... she just wouldn't shut up) and then the fantasies would continue by my reading passages from this book. 

(Sort of like a priest would perform an exorcism)

Wow.  That gave me a chuckle.  Cheers.   

[drummerboy]

I did and she responded, a bit later, with a restraining order citing "mental abuse"

My advice is after you b/u with a pwBPD have NOTHING to do with them, they are so unpredictable. Not only go 100% NC but do not talk about them with mutual friends, do not mention them on FB, the only person you should talk to about them is a T.

After I put the pieces together and learned about BPD, I had no doubt what was going on. I found a few online test which she scored off the charts. Everything about her upbringing and life's history fit to a tee. Toward the end of our relationship when her splitting, manipulation, Xanax abuse,alcohol abuse, and total 360 turn around of any and all events really came to a head, I stated in one of our heated bouts that "I should of never trusted a borderline"! She proclaimed that I was a borderline, everything that she had been doing she twisted to make me seem like the bad guy. I said it out of anger, but I was hoping maybe she herself would look into it, maybe she would see the light and seek help. A few days later when I started to be painted white again she mentioned I'm a borderline according to you we can talk about it... .of course that never took place. The last two weeks of our relationship she ended three or four quarrels with you think I'm a borderline. I wish I never let on that I figured it out and I think that it pushed her away further, because she didn't want to admit to it. I really don't know if she was ever diagnosed or it was brought up to her before maybe during her divorce or past relationships? Did anyone else ever bring it up to their EX with BPD?

[Technique]

I'm pretty sure mine was aware she had the condition, however whenever I even flirted with the subject matter she denied even knowing anyone who had it. I am certain she did.

Its times like this that I truly feel sorry for her.

She did not ask to be a victim of the disorder... I hope she gets well.

[Turkish]

SWOE is a book for nons. Is it a surprise that a pwBPD wouldn't respond to that well?

Though I think almost all of us who find our ways here are sincerely looking for answers and introspecting, not all of us are healthy either. We've self-reported to an extent that 80% of us suffer from mild to severe depression.

Though aware enough to be self-reporting, how would it feel to be told that we're "crazy?" Most of us are victims of projection. I was abadoned in couples' counseling after one appointment. 30 years ago, my BPD mom did the same thing in family counseling, both times to "fix" me. It felt good neither time, to be labeled "crazy" by the people in my life.

I'm not saying this to excuse projection or abuse. Neither is acceptable. We often talk, however, about the lack of empathy towards others with our pwBPD. We need to excercise boundaries to protect ourselves. Is it really any surprise, however, that they would react the way in which they do? I was pissed. Both at 13 and 33. Nevermind that both therapists validated me (my teen counselor my mom only told me 25 years later), and I don't suffer from emotional dysregulation.

Some of us did what we did and saw what happened. Little fruitful can come of this other than war stories.

[drummerboy]

You make some really good points Turkish. To my eternal shame, I now realise that telling my ex I thought she had BPD was actually an act of malice on my behalf and it sickens me that my motive was so putrid. It was not an act of love or kindness in any way.

I've thought a lot about this, if someone were to tell you that you have depression or anxiety it is seen in a similar list to being told you have a broken leg, with the right treatment it can be fixed, but for it to be suggested that you have a personality disorder is way different, your personality is your essence, it's what makes you you, so for it to be suggested that it is defective would be a major body blow. Of course a severe reaction to being told this might be because, as it is often said, that we take things personally when we agree with what others have said.

At the end of the day, if the r/s is over, it is none of our business to share our thoughts with them. If you are still in a r/s I would leave it to a professional.

And yes, in the end, we do need to extend the empathy that we are so quick to say was lacking in our pwBPD

SWOE is a book for nons. Is it a surprise that a pwBPD wouldn't respond to that well?

Though I think almost all of us who find our ways here are sincerely looking for answers and introspecting, not all of us are healthy either. We've self-reported to an extent that 80% of us suffer from mild to severe depression.

Though aware enough to be self-reporting, how would it feel to be told that we're "crazy?" Most of us are victims of projection. I was anadoned in couples' counseling after one appointment. 30 years ago, my BPD mom did the same thing in family counseling, both times to "fix" me. It felt good neither time, to be labeled "crazy" by the people in my life.

I'm not saying this to excuse projection or abuse. Neither is acceptable. We often talk, however, about the lack of empathy towards others with our pwBPD. We need to excercise boundaries to protect ourselves. Is it really any surprise, however, that they would react the way in which they do? I was pissed. Both at 13 and 33. Nevermind that both therapists validated me (my teen counselor my mom only told me 25 years later), and I don't suffer from emotional dysregulation.

Some of us did what we did and saw what happened. Little fruitful can come of this other than war stories.