Dumped

[Depression = 72% of members]

I joined BPD family almost a year ago. First I was among the undecided, then at staying board. Now that my BPD SO left me I'm joining forces with others in the process of leaving.  It seems like a yearly tradition to cut me out (either of physical connection or from the relationship) every january... .He says i'm still very dear to him, very important etc, just that I feel more like a friend than a lover. (and he wants his freedom to wander and meet new people, which he is not really admitting). I'm trying very hard to make this ending to be the last one i go through. 

I'm sad and upset. I'm trying not to make too many excuses for him, not to understand him (at least not too much) this time.

[Haye]

I joined BPD family almost a year ago. First I was among the undecided, then at staying board. Now that my BPD SO left me I'm joining forces with others in the process of leaving.  It seems like a yearly tradition to cut me out (either of physical connection or from the relationship) every january... .He says i'm still very dear to him, very important etc, just that I feel more like a friend than a lover. (and he wants his freedom to wander and meet new people, which he is not really admitting). I'm trying very hard to make this ending to be the last one i go through. 

I'm sad and upset. I'm trying not to make too many excuses for him, not to understand him (at least not too much) this time.

[jhkbuzz]

I joined BPD family almost a year ago. First I was among the undecided, then at staying board. Now that my BPD SO left me I'm joining forces with others in the process of leaving.  It seems like a yearly tradition to cut me out (either of physical connection or from the relationship) every january... .He says i'm still very dear to him, very important etc, just that I feel more like a friend than a lover. (and he wants his freedom to wander and meet new people, which he is not really admitting). I'm trying very hard to make this ending to be the last one i go through. 

I'm sad and upset. I'm trying not to make too many excuses for him, not to understand him (at least not too much) this time.

Time of year can be a trigger for pwBPD... .my ex went off the deep end around the same time each year.  Could be that January is the anniversary of a traumatic event... .

[downwhim]

Funny, I have read that January is the month most people file for divorce. Holidays are over and maybe they didn't go as planned also New years resolutions come into gear. I filed in January one year. Needed a change.

[jhkbuzz]

Funny, I have read that January is the month most people file for divorce. Holidays are over and maybe they didn't go as planned also New years resolutions come into gear. I filed in January one year. Needed a change.

Late fall was a trigger for my ex.  I began to dread that time of the year... .

[hope2727]

Mine left me in the same week every Spring. So weird. I am sorry that you are going through this.

[eyvindr]

In my r-ship, the three breakups we had always happened in July-August. Also, the week before Christmas seemed to have some significance for her -- always some crisis.

[fromheeltoheal]

He says i'm still very dear to him, very important etc, just that I feel more like a friend than a lover.

Me too, except her.  It's common for borderlines, who constantly have the opposing fears of engulfment and abandonment to contend with, to want to keep the SO's at arm's length, close enough but not too close, to straddle the line between those fears and hopefully keep them both at bay.  That's fine, if she can't get close without freaking out that's not my problem, but hanging around pining for something I would never get was my problem, one that I fixed by leaving.

I'm sorry it's been a journey and that he left Haye, but it sounds like you were in that place too, so tell me, what's the biggest upside of the relationship ending?

[Haye]

I didn't realize seasonal changes are that typical among pwBPDs . I wonder why this is?

I'm sorry it's been a journey and that he left Haye, but it sounds like you were in that place too, so tell me, what's the biggest upside of the relationship ending?

Now this is easy. The roller-coaster, the unstability... .it is gone. No turbulance, no surprises, no sudden climate changes. I don't have to wait and fear when the weather is going to change again. I don't have to guess what is going on, wonder if he is distancing himself, or if he is simply having a bit bad day. Even in the happy moments and happier time there was always this small shadow in my heart, fearing and knowing this is not likely to last forever.

I'm sad things didn't go as I had hoped for, but that's life. I'm have been happy he has been able to make huge changes on his behavior (after finding his current T) quite fast, I have probably expected a bit too much of him. Relapses are inevitable on the road to recovery I guess.

But it's static now. My mind is still racing and I'm going to be doing a emotional rollercoaster of my own for a while, but from now on things will be predictable. They will be boring (and that's in a happy way).

[Heldfast]

Mid december for mine, her last three, including me most recently, all end right before Christmas.

[jhkbuzz]

I didn't realize seasonal changes are that typical among pwBPDs . I wonder why this is?

I believe it's typically the anniversary of a traumatic event.

[icom]

All of us commence this task thinking that: 'It's different in my case, and I have the presence of mind to see this thing through to a successful conclusion... .or at least a reasonable facsimile.'   And then they trip us up, and we are caught up in the BPD glissade that takes us from struggling to maintain fragments of hope to having to accept the grim inevitability of our situations towards the end.   

Like the others, she'd show a clean pair of heels every late spring without fail,  After a while, one builds an instinct for their departures, and after perfecting the art over the years, I had it down to plus/minus a day or two. 

Like any other addiction, having the strength to quit is simplicity itself.  However, having the discipline to maintain one's resolve is another matter entirely... .as we are all too well aware. 

From the timbre of your thread, one can see that you are reaching that point of ultimate departure, where being tempted back to the abuse seems less likely than ever before. 

Haye, I truly hope that you grow beyond this experience, consigning the need to mollify BPD into oblivion where it justly belongs. 

[ShadowIntheNight]

I didn't realize seasonal changes are that typical among pwBPDs . I wonder why this is?

I believe it's typically the anniversary of a traumatic event.

Mine always wanted to separate in late summer/fall but the hot/cold began in the spring. I figured out the late summer, that's her birthday, but I couldn't peg the spring part until just in the last week or so. Her mom's birthday is in late April. I suspect that the trauma happened around her moher's birthday when she was a kid. She never strayed from this cycle either. She hasn't tried to come back this time, and maybe to her surprise, I haven't gone after her. She has a new guy, so I'm irrelevant anyway... .

[eyvindr]

Hey ShadowIntheNight --

Just wanted to say -- you're not irrelevant. You're free. Hang in there.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hey ShadowIntheNight --

Just wanted to say -- you're not irrelevant. You're free. Hang in there.

Thanks for saying. I'm having a very hard time, and I appreciate your kind words.

[eyvindr]

Yw. It's awful. Worst thing I've ever been through, aside from my divorce, and my father passing away, and my kid's struggles.

[downwhim]

So Valentines is coming! One year mine left me up at a house I had rented at Mt. Hood. Great place with hot tub and the ski slopes steps from the house. Pub down the street. Too my son and his friend... .sad time. Last year we bought each other cards and stayed home. I was fine with that... .never anything fancy. He hated this holiday.

[GBLAW]

Re: cycle of break ups: I had the same experience--the cycle of breaks initiated by my BPD partner--every holiday season.  We both ended our marriages to be together and I hung in there for four years, and we never had a holiday season that we spent together and every January involved silence.  So I think it's a good thing you are recognizing the pattern because it is a dysfunctional cycle and the first step I think is to see it as such.

Re: "You're dear to me but I don't want to see you" type behavior in him, I also heard that over and over again, accompanying his breaks.  I used to cling to that, but eventually came to realize this was more about him needing to know I still cared, was still emotionally engaged, than him expressing care or love for me (in the sense that the words I love you in a healthy relationship would be accompanied by actions that reflected that love, and in adult relationships physical or communication breaks don't reflect a concern for your well being or feelings.

Re: Not making excuses, the most helpful thing on this site I found was the list of 10 mistaken thoughts that partners of pwBPD think that brings them back to the relationship. I recommend that if you haven't already seen it, because it helps with the not making excuses for him.  I made four years worth of excuses (he's depressed, he's trying, he is busy at work, he really loves me) and nevertheless the cycle just repeated itself. 

[Haye]

About the seasons - his birthday is at the end of December and that's around when he starts to distance away. He hasn't celebrated his birthday, I think he said that he was less than 10 years old last time he had a birthday-party of such... .Weird I didn't think that is likely to be the reason

I have checked the ten beliefs that hold us couple of times. At least i'm not into most of them. I don't think he holds key to my happiness, nor do I think he feels like I do, I don't expect love to prevail or things go back as they were (it's been always chaotic  ) etc.

But I do blame the circumstances. And also fear he perhaps can't endure me responding by leaving him. He's wounded, seriously, and I think I'm genuinly helping him (and not keeping him as a victim). That's what i'm excusing him: He's trying, very hard. He's been trough hell and yet he's trying. The cycle, the disorder seems stronger than him.


It's difficult. I'm not doing well at all.

[Mutt]

I get PTSD around October and it's two years after the split.

Together for 8. Starting around year 2 and all through until year 8 the same pattern.

Year 3 she said "Mutt, you get like this every time of the year!" I was confused, I thought I was level headed. She was in fact, projecting.

Oct through Dec her dysregulations would progressively worsen. The house was excruciatingly tense.

By the last week of the Dec to the first week of Jan either she would throw me out or I left because she was so mean. I spent most of my birthdays ( mid Jan ) at my sisters.

So, we'd be seperated for 2 to 6 weeks tops. Often I tried to stay away as long as possible for a mental break and physically rest and recharge the batteries.

Often I'd get a call or text usually around the 1 week mark asking when was I coming back and it was hard for her to watch the kids. I thought "You threw me out and were fighting and saying means things and you want me back? There's no ownership for your behaviors or an apology"

It could of been trauma experienced around the fall. It could of been seasonal affective disorder. I do think it was an engulfment swing - I was idealized for 6 weeks maybe a month upon my return home. I recall the kids were confused and it disq feel good to return home to everyone. I think it really may be a combination of all 3.

My ex doesn't  fare well with depression, she's likely clinically depressed and pregnancy and post partum depression was very difficult for her. I was sad to see her struggle and suffer from depression. She wasn't getting the help she needed to cope and she was difficult to approach and support with medical issues.  

The idealization phases grew shorter and shorter and eventually the last one - our final year was less than two weeks and that year was the worst - her dissociative phase and a devaluation during that time of the year for her like no other. Not an experience I'd want to revisit and one I'll never forget. It was brutally hard.

I'm sorry to hear it's sad and upsetting. It's hard to cope with these patterns were you may feel like you can't break. I'm surprised. I still dread the falls and feel anxiety like there's an impending devaluation coming.

[Haye]

Mutt, sounds like you went through very difficult times with your ex-wife. I think that is one problem I have - my ex is rather nice and well-behaving for a BPD (with DID/PTSD/OCD) so it's easy for me to make excuses and believe in them. Even when he is distancing himself he treats me quite okey. Not lovingly of course, but is simply distant and seems uninterested in our relationship (while tries to say it's not the case). He doesn't argue with me on anything personal. He might rant about stuff, but they'd be universl like how architecture and house designs are so ugly and non functional these days  . He doesn't call me names, there's no tension in the house (excpet for me getting upset and feeling rejected). Our life has been peaceful and calm compared to what most here (or L5) have to deal with.

He takes ownership of his behaviour, as soon as he is 'back' from dissociative phase he apologizes deeply and sometimes he even apologizes being distant while he's still in the middle of it (seeing the damage i'm taking). He has however complained how I don't take his word for how he is feeling but instead "read" from his behavior (well yeah i've been taught that if words and actions are contradicting it's the actions that count, not the words).

January has been difficult for him with depression, though this year he appeared more like someone in slight mania (hypomania). He's been checked for bi-polar though and doesn't have one, they say it's only BPD style mood swings which means he can appear severely depressed for half of a day and appears to be just fine in the evening. However he is a master in hiding his moods, he for example sits playing with a computer to both hide and battle anger/self-hatred/depression/anxiety).

I admit i'm getting a bit confused here. Everyone tells me things will get worse and worse by every cycle. Unlike with you Mutt and others the good times we've had have actually been getting longer by each cycle. I don't call the good times idealization, maybe I'm blinded or the idealization is not that strong, not too obvious? For me meant a period that we were closer.

[eyvindr]

Hi Haye,

Not to dispute your information at all -- but are you sure he has BPD? Sounds more like managed bipolar, really. That dx -- DID/PTSD/OCD -- certainly applies to my uxgf -- and there was NO self-soothing, healthy or otherwise, with her -- just 0 to 60 on the anxiety scale, and then blaming everything on external forces -- people, situations -- and refusing to connect anything to a dysregulation disorder. Either way -- glad you are experiencing what sounds to me like general improvement in your r-ship and life. Stay well.

[Haye]

Not to dispute your information at all -- but are you sure he has BPD? Sounds more like managed bipolar, really. That dx -- DID/PTSD/OCD -- certainly applies to my uxgf -- and there was NO self-soothing, healthy or otherwise, with her -- just 0 to

Well that's the dx he has been given by doctors, but i'm not 100% sure about it. He does have some very clear BPD traits, especially those of borderline waif/quiet, but there are also lot of things that does make me wonder. Being self-aware and able to reflect on his behavior being one - from reading here most BPDs blame everything on others and can't see how their behavior is affecting people. It did take him a while to understand and accept that he was far from ok, but after he did he has been working very hard on changing his odd and destructive behaviors. Regardless of the pain and anxiety it gives him he appear hell-bent on getting better to make sure he doesn't destroy more people around him. (He's T hopes one day he'll be trying to get better for his own sake, but that's not going to happen soon).

I've seen some major DID/multiple personality issues and stuff that imo goes under PTSD (i know some of the traumas and can say that it's no wonder he isn't okey... .). The social phobias and OCD are huge also. And attachment issues. Big ones (which is something very BPD). I am the first who ever got to know him well, and the only one who loved him nevertheless. It shocks him, as in his mind nobody can ever love him truly, specially knowing all the darkness inside. Some years before me he had a rather close girlfriend, whom he kept pushing away. It's like he needs to rebel against being loved it every now and then, as it's something he doesn't believe to be true.

I do think that  what ever the dx it's a mix of lot of things. With BPD traits but perhaps it is not not a pure dx. BPD as dx does help getting state paid treatment.

[eyvindr]

Thanks for sharing, Haye. It's really encouraging to hear a story like this.

Sounds like your H is making progress -- it's great that you both have the commitment to work together on overcoming the illness. I do think people can improve -- but it does take a lot of work.

The behaviors you described sound a lot like my ex gf -- but the difference is that she never committed to more than an occasional counseling session and, as a result, never was able to make any progress. It was weird -- like she'd hide behind her intelligence, and let herself believe that, once she identified a problem and understood it, it went away. In reality, it doesn't really work that way, of course.