New Here

[MountainBeach]

Hi,

I've been a lurker for quite some time now, and am finally posting thanks to an encouraging message

I've seen all the acronyms while lurking, but don't know what they all mean, so I'll write things out to start. I believe my partner has BPD, I've had 2 therapists also agree that she is BPD, but as far as I know, she's never been officially diagnosed. According to all my research, she has classic BPD traits. In some instances, she has the correct amount to be diagnosed, in other cases (when she's regulated, she doesn't). We've been together 3 years, rocky and tumultuous relationship. We've broken up multiple times, and I thought it was going to be final this past Fall, but in Jan. we decided to give it another go, because I felt like it was first time I had set boundaries & limits successfully, so I thought we may be more successful.

As of now, she has broken up with me as of yesterday, threatening to move out because she didn't like my boundary. We are gay, and my family is a huge trigger for her. I'm close with my family, and they have not accepted my partner warmly and she doesn't feel welcomed. She blames them on being homophobic, but the reality is, her behavior around them is a turn off to them, and they were concerned with my well being.

We got back together with the guidelines that I would work on my family understanding our relationship better (because my partner thinks they are homophobic) and she didn't want to have anything to do with them for a few months. She wouldn't cut me off from my family, but she would not participate in my family events. But when a family event came up recently, and I let her know about the May event, she flipped out, and is calling it a homophobic response to our relationship, and broke up with me because I want to be at the event. She's turned all of my family things into a gay issue, when the reality is, it's their issue with her behavior, and she doesn't see her part in the poor relationship.

That's a very small glimpse into my life. I'm working with a therapist. We were in couples therapy, but she blows out of therapy after a couple sessions when things start getting pointed at her behavior causing some of the problems. I can't get her to go to therapy anymore.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Good to see you finally posting.

Links to acronyms can be found here:

What do all these abbreviations and terms mean?

It is very hard when the defensive nature of BPD places false reasons to excuse the consequence of the disorder. No one else can understand why you continue with a RS like this. This is a problem we all have to deal with, you are not alone.

It is also good that you attend therapy, rather than worrying getting her to attend how is this helping you? Are you getting benefit out of helping you view things differently.

It is important that you keep to family functions that you want to, that is your right, as is her right to not be involved. Dont get caught trying forge a relationship between her and your family, or anyone else for that matter. She will just push back.

Use of:

BOUNDARIES - Living our values

will invariably be responded to with:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

BPD is a thought process that is constantly there although a lot of the time it is not visible. Hence traits appear to come and go depending on circumstantial triggers. This brings a loss of control that can shame them and make them feel vulnerable, triggering defensive and escalating reactions.

Keep reading and participating, participation is the best way to obtain direct feedback. Sometimes we make assumptions which are not quite correct, discussing them enables us to either improve or discard them before we go too far down the wrong path.

Its a tough road but you are not alone


Waverider

[MountainBeach]

Thanks Waverider for the support. I hope I'm replying and not making a new post.

I'm in a depression right now, trying to pull myself out of it. I was 100% leaving the r/s a few months ago, then my boundaries and limits were working, and things were a lot better. I fooled myself that we were 'cured' from the dysfunction and started dreaming of a happy, healthy relationship. I feel burned, but I logically knew this was bound to happen, I just didn't want to believe it. She left and is not coming home tonight, and is saying this is the final straw for her, she can't be in this relationship because I don't stand up for her to my family.

Therapy has been good for me. Even though I thought I was leaving the r/s, it really helped me get healthier, and take my life back again. I'm just experiencing a setback at the moment, and I never know which break up will be the real deal when she says 'this one is the final one'.

I love her with everything I have. She's a truly amazing person, I'm still trying to understand, because she's a real ass too. I'm still living in denial world that this is going to miraculously heal itself, or that she will go do intensive therapy and be cured. But I know that's my denial, and not reality, I just still wish it could be reality.

Extinction bursts is a new phrase to me. Thank You! It helped dig me out a bit from this and understand again. I go through phases of trying to learn everything I can, and then being overwhelmed that I can't do this and keep screwing it all up.

Thanks again

[Jessica84]

MountainBeach, I'm sorry you're going thru this. It can be very overwhelming dealing with a BPD partner. Don't worry - even when you "screw up" you can learn a little more each time, and you'll find you'll get the hang of it. And once you do, they'll still throw you a curveball you weren't expecting! All part of life with them. It'll never be ideal, but we love them anyway.

Denial? I've been there. Still wander back there from time to time... until I remember who he is and what afflicts him. Best we can do is accept our partners as they are, while working on ourselves and our own issues. Easier said than done. No matter what, if your family is good to you, stay in touch. You're going to need them for support.

This is also a great place for support. I come here often to re-read the lessons, read what others are going thru and how they're coping. It all helps. Hang in there!

[Cat Familiar]

MB, I'm glad you're posting your story. It really helps to share it with people who understand.   

We know how exhausting it can be to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. And yes, you are on the right track doing therapy. I pulled my husband into therapy with me and though it did help us communicate a bit better, it would have been much more productive if I had just done solo therapy. The beneficial part was that the therapist got to see his behavior and some of the rages and now I'm working with her and I don't need to explain exactly who he is to her because she's seen it for herself.

Finding this site and doing therapy has made a huge change for the better in my relationship. I also harbored the hope that my husband would do therapy, but with a pwBPD, I think the pain of self-discovery is so excruciating at times that they're unlikely to want to explore deeply. In any case, just by you working on yourself and learning strategies to make things better between the two of you, you will create profound changes in your relationship. I know that I have and I'm so grateful to be here.

[ColdEthyl]

 

Hello MB and we are glad you are posting! As you can see you are not alone. 

I'm glad you are going to T for you, that's awesome! I am sorry you are hurting... .I know how much it hurt when my H was dysregulating really bad and would leave and come back. It's also really hard to deal with them when they are placing blame on something that doesn't carry any of the blame at all. Very very frustrating.

I'm also still learning how to use the tools, and over the past year I have seen improvements on our marriage. But, I also sometimes forget he will never 'be all better again', and like you my H when not in a dysregulation is so awesome. He's smart, he's funny, he's loving and giving... .but that darn BPD!

Keep coming here and sharing and getting support. You are among friends here and we all understand what you are going through. 

[Notwendy]

The issue with your family seems to me to be "black and white" thinking. I think in reality, families are composed of a variety of people with different opinions. Some of my family members are gay and while most of my family is accepting, some are more or less comfortable with the idea.

The projecting nature of BPD is to look for some reason besides oneself and blame others, so your partner may be focused on one incident, or one family member/event that they believe is homophobic, even if it is not, and then make the whole thing about that.

You can still validate your partner's feelings while not getting into the premise or validating what isn't true. You know your family.

Even if she doesn't want to spend time with your family- you can. You can still have a relationship with your family and friends, and keep that boundary regardless.

[MountainBeach]

Thank you everyone for the support. It lifted weight off my shoulders, and I appreciate it!

Originally I thought I'd address some of the great points you all made. But there's a scenario that's developed that I thought I'd try to get some advice.

During my original break up, when I thought that was the final break up, my niece asked me to be her sponsor to be confirmed into the catholic church. As far as I understood, all you need to be is baptized and confirmed to be a sponsor. Since getting back together, my partner has left me and WW3 has started because she can't believe that I'll stand up in a catholic church and sponsor my niece. To me, there are varying levels of Catholicism. Many catholics show up on Christmas and Easter, and never see the inside of the church in between those two days. While others are weekly attenders, and others in between these two extremes. I teach at a Catholic school (not religion) and do not consider myself practicing, because I'm gay, but I attend church somewhat regularly because I go to all of our school mass'.

Anyway, my partner swears this has nothing to do with my family, but it seems to be my family's pattern because we were in such a good space before, and my family is creating this conflict to make things bad between us because this is a slap in her face for me to sponsor my niece, and I'm a hypocrite and a liar if I do this.

I don't know how to handle the situation. I thought I validated by addressing religious concerns and how hurtful religion is to our relationship.  I also described varying levels of people's beliefs, not all follow the rules to a T. But this just made her more angry because I was 'defending myself' I also have asked many people their opinion (because I work at a Catholic school, I have many to ask, and there are many non-practicing Catholics that were sponsors (other teachers at my school, one teacher has a lesbian sister who is her child's godmother, and two other gay friends who grew up Catholic, are now married, would sponsor their niece. The general consensus I got was that it's an honor that a young person looks up to you to choose you, it's more about love than religion.

Now my partner has told me I didn't validate her, because whenever it comes to my family, I do what my family wants me to do, and I don't choose her, I always choose my family. She also said that she didn't have a voice in this decision, and I should've asked her and we should've made this decision together.

She's right, in a way, because the Catholic church is still stuck in the dark ages concerning gays. But if you were to look at all the sponsors and godparents of catholic baptisms and confirmations, the catholic church would not have a majority of sponsors and godparents if they followed their strict guidelines, because most people don't meet their guidelines (we've researched this extensively, I'll spare you the details). I believe it's a black and white thinking, and she's calling me out on rules, which are true, but not always followed to a T.

My partner has said this is her final straw, she can't believe me, and it's unhealthy for her to be with someone like me, and this is not an ultimatum, but if I am a sponsor, she can't be in a relationship with me, because I make her invisible.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the lengthy message. I don't  know if this is the right place to give specifics like this, but I've been in a bad space right now, and could use some good advice.

[Notwendy]

From your post I get the sense that you set a boundary and your partner is arguing over it. Feelings are facts to someone with BPD. Your partner has feelings about your family and the Catholic church, however, to you this doesn't seem to be entirely factual.

It seems to me that you are in a situation where you want to be at the church for your niece, and your partner is giving you all kinds of reasons why you should not go- that are based on her feelings- possibly some facts- but a lot of feelings. It may not even be about the Catholic church at all but some fear that you will meet someone else, or decide you don't want to be gay, or your family will turn her against you, or something that is possibly based on a fear of abandonment. Black and white thinking doesn't allow for a middle ground solution.

You know that an entire family or church congregation is unlikely to all be homophobic, and even that term isn't descriptive of the range of responses to homosexuality. The term seems to be open to interpretation. Yes, someone who hates all gay people could be called homophobic, but that's a strong term to describe grandma and grampa who grew up in an era where nobody talked about that and they are trying to get used to the idea that their grandchild is gay and they still love and welcome that child. Yet someone who objects to their concerns could also call them homophobic.

Similar variations occur in religious organizations. There are some churches who are welcoming to gay members and some of the members aren't happy about that. Some have no issue with it at all, and some are strictly against it. The Catholic church has evolved over time as well. 50 years ago, Mass was in Latin and there was no meat on Fridays. Recent popes have made strides in interfaith relations and the current pope has been more welcoming to gay members.

Boundaries are not something you tell someone else to do and expect them to do it. Your partner has free choice to behave as she likes. Boundaries are what you value. If someone breaks your boundary or puts you in a bind, then the only thing you can control is your response to it. You value your family and religious tradition. Would your family ask you to sponsor your niece if they were homophobic? I doubt that. Your family wants you there and you want to be there. Not everyone who is part of a church agrees with everything or everyone in that church, but they are there because it is spiritually meaningful to them. Your family, and the Catholic church are important to you, and you have every right to act within your values. However, so does your partner, and if she feels she can not be in a relationship with someone who is Catholic, she has the right to leave. If she doesn't compromise-you have two choices- give up your church and family to be with her, or give up her. This is your choice to make, however, pay attention to your feelings. When one is being co-dependent and giving up what they think is too much, the result is to feel resentment.

[MountainBeach]

Thank You Notwendy. That really clarified her reactions for me. I appreciate it!