Got cast aside (cut off) now what

[Issy]

Hi, after months of silent treatment my friend has decided to cut me off (not completely, like all her exes, still wants to have me on facebook etc I won't have it). She already found her replacement (but she is actually way out of his league). I found out just before she put silent treatment on me, she has borderline, I wanted to tell her (she doesn't know) but I got no chance. Now here is the thing, what to do? Respond or leave it alone? And if it is responding, how to respond?

I want her in my life, but only under the conditions she is recognizing her issues and is willing to get therapy. Before that I can't have her in my life. I doubt she will found out she has Borderline and is willing to take actions or change, because she is very much in denial. And I doubt she will come back. Now if that is all the case can I not tell her (and give her a list of borderline thoughts she might recognise) she has borderline and I feel a lot for her pain? I know I have been split black, so this time is not right but I don't see how I could ever be split white again.

Another point is, I read so many bad things, like the person with borderline never really loved you and all they do is use you. Is that true? So no one should be in a relationship with a borderliner?  

[Issy]

I think I need to add that she said she sees our friendship has a small chance of having a future. So not not a future at all.

[Issy]

And she wants just casual contact. Of course its got to do with that I was getting to close to her, she will experience it as she believes I did something wrong.

[Copperfox]

The general consensus on this board over the years is that telling them they have BPD usually doesn't go well.  BPD is a persecution complex, and they will feel like they are being blamed.  If they are open to it, better to tell them in general that you care about them, and perhaps seeing a counselor or something might be helpful for them. For instance, see Member 2010's thoughts on this:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=123984.msg1221875#msg1221875

As for the "never loved you" or "just used you" stuff you seen on here, realize that different people are in different places in their recovery from what was, for many, a very traumatic relationship.  Many of those comments come from a place of anger.  So keep that as context.  But pwBPD are still people, and like all of us, they do the best they can.  Perfect or not.  From everything I've read, they did love you, in their own disordered way.  It just wasn't very functional, and many of the BPD traits are not suitable for sustaining a long-term relationship, at least not without a lot of struggle.  They are recreations of their childhood fears.   

[Issy]

Wow that was so not the letter I was going to write! Very judgemental

So I should not respond at all?

[Issy]

I believe in this: www.nonBPDsolution.com/correct-interaction/06-how-to-tell-them-they-have-borderline-personality.html

They need to feel they are heard and know I'm on her side. At one point I was actually quite close with this but I was told so many times not to name the word Borderline, so I didn't. I found it a breakthrough she awknowledged something is wrong with her. Then I was planning to have this talk and all went wrong. I am willing to do it all over again, eventhough she ditched me just like that without seemingly remorse. But how to do this when basically she doesn't want me close to her anymore? Maybe small steps (of validating her feelings still stating I want to be heard aswell that's why this relationship didn't work?)? And leave it up to her?

[cosmonaut]

Hi Issy.  I'm sorry to hear about your break up and the silent treatments that you have endured.  I know myself how hard this time is for you and how much it can hurt.  The silent treatments can be confusing and painful.  I hope that learning about BPD will be able to provide some context as to why your ex is behaving the way that she is.

Copperfox has given you some very good advice.  It is advised not to disclose to a loved one that they may have BPD.  There are many reasons for this, but one of the primary reasons is shame - something that pwBPD already feel in overwhelming abundance.  It is best to allow a professional to be the one to guide a pwBPD to an understanding of themselves.

I am firmly in the camp that believes that pwBPD *do* sincerely love, it's just that it is a very immature, unstable love.  A disordered love, but not a fake love.  I also don't believe that pwBPD use partners in the way that you are probably imagining they use people.  There is no malevolence involved.  They are not sociopaths.  They are using you only in the sense that they are seeking in you something that they can't provide for themselves and desperately, desperately want and need.  And when you provide it to them, they genuinely adore you for it.  In much the way that a young child adores their mommy or daddy for caring for them, providing for them, and taking interest in them.  That does not make their feelings insincere, just underdeveloped.

[Issy]

Thank you Copperfox and Cosmonaut for you're insightful replies.

I always believed she feels love for me, but lately her behaviour seemed to contradict this. So I started to question it for awhile. But it is explainable, because she thinks I am the cause for all the hurt she is feeling and she is angry I did that. I feel like she puts a knife in my back. She knows it hurts me but she keeps doin it. And as if she is fine, like she doesn't care it's over. It has hurt me so much the last few days, I'm a bit better now. Thanks to you two aswell. You made it clearer for me how this love works, now I believe in it again. Thank you, it is good to know so I can heal. I have to know I did (and hopefully still) meant as much to her as she did to me.

I think you're right Copperfox. She has to get the notion all by herself that something is wrong with her and maybe best way to do this now is not saying anything. But maybe in this case she doesn't expect a message back from me. And maybe sees it as a sign she is right. Her letter to me is well written and rational, but with a lot of blaiming, accusations and projections. Maybe she only sees her 'rational reasoning' and not the blaiming, judging, projecting, accusating. But then again I have always responded, up till now then.

[Issy]

Actually I wondered about the love thing, because she sent me a letter that was full of projections and one of them was, a typical BPD trait, that I use people to not feel alone, because I'm scrared of being alone. I know very well who I am and I know these things aren't me but her. But if that is so, to turn it around, did shé use me?

[Copperfox]

Actually I wondered about the love thing, because she sent me a letter that was full of projections and one of them was, a typical BPD trait, that I use people to not feel alone, because I'm scrared of being alone. I know very well who I am and I know these things aren't me but her. But if that is so, to turn it around, did shé use me?

These are projections of her fears.  She needed you.  You, for at least a little while, filled some void deep inside her.  She was driven by her feelings, her needs.  Does that constitute "using" someone?  I don't know.  But it's not a healthy relationship.

As for her fears, she likely senses something is wrong with her.  Maybe that the way she deals with people, with relationships, is dysfunctional in some way.  She fears it, and she hides from it.  She may even wish it were different.

Keep in mind that we all exhibit some BPD behaviors sometimes ... .its a matter of degree, not of kind.  Don't be too hard on her, don't be too hard on yourself.  Likely you both did the best you could.

[Issy]

I learned a lot now, do you think there can be a second chance? Taking things slow?

It really seemed like she believes all these projections though, do you think she knows somewhere they aren't all true? And it comes maybe from someplace inside her?

[cosmonaut]

I learned a lot now, do you think there can be a second chance? Taking things slow?

It really seemed like she believes all these projections though, do you think she knows somewhere they aren't all true? And it comes maybe from someplace inside her?

Personally, I believe anything is possible.  I believe in second chances.  That said, do realize that a BPD relationship is never going to be easy.  It is always going to be something that requires being worked at, something that requires vigilance, and that can't be slacked off on.  This will never be a relationship that can be taken for granted and coasted with.  It will require significant change from you.  You will have to be a very strong, stable, patient, and empathetic partner.  You will have to be an excellent communicator and an excellent reader of your partner's emotions.  You will have to take things in stride and accept that there will be bad times.  All that said, you can ultimately only control so much.  Your partner must change too, and it will be even harder work for her.  She will have to undertake examining and changing the entire way in which she sees and experiences the world.   That is a very difficult and frightening task for anyone.  So, yes, I sincerely believe that there is hope.  But do realize what that hope entails.

I'm not sure that she knows her projections are false.  I suspect that she thinks they are indeed true.  She may be very confused about why her life is so chaotic and unhappy, but I don't know that she is questioning her fundamental beliefs about the world.   We often say here that for pwBPD "feelings are facts".   When she feels badly about you it means it's because you actually are bad.  And when she feels good about you, it means that you actually are good.  She has very limited ability to see that she can feel badly about you without you being a bad person.  Changing that black or white, feelings as facts thinking will be one of the major goals of her therapy.