I want a success story

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment. I read a lot on here the evil manipulative chat they are people just like you and me they work different yes but evil I think not look at your own empathy.

[neverloveagain]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment. I read a lot on here the evil manipulative chat they are people just like you and me they work different yes but evil I think not look at your own empathy.

[Invictus01]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment. I read a lot on here the evil manipulative chat they are people just like you and me they work different yes but evil I think not look at your own empathy.

Personally, I don't know... .what could possibly draw me into a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who is very well educated, is running a multi million dollar company (and we can relate as I am too), has the same interests I do, has the same sense of humor and we just generally click on all sorts of levels. Next time, I'll definitely walk away from all that and never look back!

[jhkbuzz]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment. I read a lot on here the evil manipulative chat they are people just like you and me they work different yes but evil I think not look at your own empathy.

Personally, I don't know... .what could possibly draw me into a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who is very well educated, is running a multi million dollar company (and we can relate as I am too), has the same interests I do, has the same sense of humor and we just generally click on all sorts of levels. Next time, I'll definitely walk away from all that and never look back!

^^^^^^ hahahaha!

I can relate... .I sometimes get tired of hearing that I must also be a huge fu*k up for getting into a r/s with a disordered person.

Granted, I'm not perfect, I'm not without issues that I can work on... .but you know what else I'm not?  I'm not a habitual liar. I'm not unfaithful - I don't fu*ck other people when I'm in a committed r/s.

My ex?  All of the above.  And I'm tired of hearing that getting into a r/s with a person who chose to engage in that kind of unethical behavior is somehow, partly my responsibility.

[Keysmiami]

Exactly I'm sorry but I feel that everything I wanted in a women was presented to me by her. Who would not get sucked into that. We all have a desire to love and be loved. It's what makes life bearable. All the money in the world won't matter. I gave all of myself and was surprised at what came out. I only did so because she wanted and needed me to. She gave it back or so I thought she did only to sabotage it and to turn her back on me because I did one thing wrong. I reacted in a negative way to being pulled by her kids who I adored and discarded by her like I was a piece of trash. This is not normal. I could see if I was lacking in any area or we fought about things. We had a wonderful relationship that she sabotaged because she got scared. It's evil.

[hope2727]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment. I read a lot on here the evil manipulative chat they are people just like you and me they work different yes but evil I think not look at your own empathy.

Personally, I don't know... .what could possibly draw me into a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who is very well educated, is running a multi million dollar company (and we can relate as I am too), has the same interests I do, has the same sense of humor and we just generally click on all sorts of levels. Next time, I'll definitely walk away from all that and never look back!

^^^^^^ hahahaha!

I can relate... .I sometimes get tired of hearing that I must also be a huge fu*k up for getting into a r/s with a disordered person.

Granted, I'm not perfect, I'm not without issues that I can work on... .but you know what else I'm not?  I'm not a habitual liar. I'm not unfaithful - I don't fu*ck other people when I'm in a committed r/s.

My ex?  All of the above.  And I'm tired of hearing that getting into a r/s with a person who chose to engage in that kind of unethical behavior is somehow, partly my responsibility.

Thank you. i went into the relationship in good faith. He did not.

[HappyNihilist]

Keys, I agree with Mutt, fromheeltoheal, and others -- right now, so soon after the end, is such a raw and difficult time. Do something to distract your mind, take care of yourself, indulge yourself. Journaling can be helpful. Anything that is soothing to you. Just know that it will get better.  

'Success' may mostly be just getting through and surviving this, facing the facts, believing in yourself, and moving on. You can't go backward, or fix someone who's set on sabotaging herself and the relationship. Be as calm as you can and focus on letting go. Easier said than done, but doable.

There will be plenty of time later to process through the debris. Right now, Keys, just focus on You and doing what is best for your well-being.

You've been deeply hurt and devastated. You need and deserve time to heal.  

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment.

That is a beautiful success story, and a big part of the gift that these types of relationships have to teach us.

Personally, I don't know... .what could possibly draw me into a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who is very well educated, is running a multi million dollar company (and we can relate as I am too), has the same interests I do, has the same sense of humor and we just generally click on all sorts of levels. Next time, I'll definitely walk away from all that and never look back!

^^^^^^ hahahaha!

I can relate... .I sometimes get tired of hearing that I must also be a huge fu*k up for getting into a r/s with a disordered person.

Granted, I'm not perfect, I'm not without issues that I can work on... .but you know what else I'm not?  I'm not a habitual liar. I'm not unfaithful - I don't fu*ck other people when I'm in a committed r/s.

My ex?  All of the above.  And I'm tired of hearing that getting into a r/s with a person who chose to engage in that kind of unethical behavior is somehow, partly my responsibility.

The partners we choose (and then choose to stay with, or not) are our responsibility and our choice. Very few things can tell us more about ourselves, our emotional health, our values, our needs, etc., than whom we choose as our partners in life.

This does not mean that the partner of a disordered person is similarly disordered, or has similar traits, or engages in the same behavior, or shares the same values, or anything of that nature. In fact, that's often what causes the relationship to start crumbling - the partner begins to realize (even subconsciously) that the borderline is not what they thought, and that their values and perspectives really don't align.

Emotionally healthy people don't enter into disordered relationships because they see all of that initial love-bombing, mirroring, idealization, etc., for what it is - they hear and pay heed to their alarm bells going off. And pwBPD are very emotional intuitive, and they will rarely even attempt to attach to a truly healthy person. The relationship is built on mutual need, and figuring out what needs of ours were being fulfilled by our BPDexes is the key to deeper insight into ourselves and an opportunity for growth.

We can all become emotionally healthy. But it's also perfectly ok to not be there yet. It takes time and work. I'm still working on it, and I will be for a while. It's not a bad thing, it's just human.

I like to look at it as "kintsugi of the soul"--

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

[findingmyselfagain]

Keys,

I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. It's totally understandable. Getting over a relationship is hard enough without throwing in the mirroring and intensity of a r/s with a pwBPD. I was totally in love with mine and things seemed to be on an upswing. She abruptly started texting a co-worker not even TWO DAYS after our wedding shower. She went out with him two days later, and when I became angry somehow it ended up being projected as my fault. Looking back I can see the chaos more clearly. It's something I should have been a lot more worried about a lot sooner. Love and wisdom don't often go together. It's been a few years since I was with mine and it still confuses the heck out of me. I went out of my way to learn about BPD and tried to be friends, but she was either friendly, ignored me for weeks and weeks, or just raged at me. It was after the last rage that I finally woke up and realized she just is what she is. If a miracle happened and she was very apologetic and open, then I'd be open to communication, but I'm not holding my breath.

Struggle as hard as you can in a positive direction. We may be nons, but we can learn and recover. Many times they are stuck for the rest of their lives. No amount of love-bombing, sex, or money is worth a lifetime of chaos.

[Keysmiami]

Thank you all for your replys and personal stories. I really feel like I am done with her but am concerned she will come back. I can't deal with it. In fact one week before she cut it she suddenly gave me all these reasons why it will be difficult to be together. She was starting school again,she was getting a divorce that week, her job etc  it came out of the blue. I was alleviating external stress for her and gave her all the reasons why she should not worry. I loved her and was not going anywhere or giving up without a fight. I asked her if she was in or out. She came to my apt. Crying and said she was in. I couldn't have been happier. She kept saying the night. Before as she fell asleep standing up in my arms Can you deal with it? I said I could not knowing what she meant. I think I know now. What happened to us would have happened anyway due to the nature of this disorder. I guess I shouldn't feel bad then that she has painted me black over one thing out of so many positive experiences. It was bound to happen anyway but still doesn't make it any easier.

[Restored2]

You're welcome, Keysmiami.  Remember that there is no sense to the senselessness of BPD.  You cannot rationalize irrational behavior.  Give yourself some time to heal and recover... .

[BorisAcusio]

The partners we choose (and then choose to stay with, or not) are our responsibility and our choice. Very few things can tell us more about ourselves, our emotional health, our values, our needs, etc., than whom we choose as our partners in life.

This does not mean that the partner of a disordered person is similarly disordered, or has similar traits, or engages in the same behavior, or shares the same values, or anything of that nature. In fact, that's often what causes the relationship to start crumbling - the partner begins to realize (even subconsciously) that the borderline is not what they thought, and that their values and perspectives really don't align.

Emotionally healthy people don't enter into disordered relationships because they see all of that initial love-bombing, mirroring, idealization, etc., for what it is - they hear and pay heed to their alarm bells going off. And pwBPD are very emotional intuitive, and they will rarely even attempt to attach to a truly healthy person. The relationship is built on mutual need, and figuring out what needs of ours were being fulfilled by our BPDexes is the key to deeper insight into ourselves and an opportunity for growth.

We can all become emotionally healthy. But it's also perfectly ok to not be there yet. It takes time and work. I'm still working on it, and I will be for a while. It's not a bad thing, it's just human.

I like to look at it as "kintsugi of the soul"--

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Wise words, HappyNihilist.

[jhkbuzz]

The success story is when you realise what drew you into a in healthy dynamic BPD or no bps we are all responsible for our own choices in life. The success is finding what is broke inside of you that you yearn this attention, me included in that comment.

Personally, I don't know... .what could possibly draw me into a relationship with a woman in her mid 20s who is very well educated, is running a multi million dollar company (and we can relate as I am too), has the same interests I do, has the same sense of humor and we just generally click on all sorts of levels. Next time, I'll definitely walk away from all that and never look back!

^^^^^^ hahahaha!

I can relate... .I sometimes get tired of hearing that I must also be a huge fu*k up for getting into a r/s with a disordered person.

Granted, I'm not perfect, I'm not without issues that I can work on... .but you know what else I'm not?  I'm not a habitual liar. I'm not unfaithful - I don't fu*ck other people when I'm in a committed r/s.

My ex?  All of the above.  And I'm tired of hearing that getting into a r/s with a person who chose to engage in that kind of unethical behavior is somehow, partly my responsibility.

The partners we choose (and then choose to stay with, or not) are our responsibility and our choice. Very few things can tell us more about ourselves, our emotional health, our values, our needs, etc., than whom we choose as our partners in life.

This does not mean that the partner of a disordered person is similarly disordered, or has similar traits, or engages in the same behavior, or shares the same values, or anything of that nature. In fact, that's often what causes the relationship to start crumbling - the partner begins to realize (even subconsciously) that the borderline is not what they thought, and that their values and perspectives really don't align.

Emotionally healthy people don't enter into disordered relationships because they see all of that initial love-bombing, mirroring, idealization, etc., for what it is - they hear and pay heed to their alarm bells going off. And pwBPD are very emotional intuitive, and they will rarely even attempt to attach to a truly healthy person. The relationship is built on mutual need, and figuring out what needs of ours were being fulfilled by our BPDexes is the key to deeper insight into ourselves and an opportunity for growth.

We can all become emotionally healthy. But it's also perfectly ok to not be there yet. It takes time and work. I'm still working on it, and I will be for a while. It's not a bad thing, it's just human.

I like to look at it as "kintsugi of the soul"--

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Thank you for this.

[Suzn]

Is it not a form of self sabotage when we seek comfort for ourselves from a person we know will continue to hurt us? When we start to see the behaviour patterns and turn a blind eye for our own salvation?

Self sabotage is repeating behavior that keeps you from healthy, long term goals. Would continuing to engage with a person whom is exhibiting unhealthy behavior not be just that?

[Tim300]

OP -- so many of us have shared your exact sentiments.  Sorry you are going through this.  Your instinct that you dodged a bullet is correct.  While you may "despise" her now, I believe that after many months have passed and you've read up about this mental illness, your despising will turn into simple acknowledgement that this is an ill person who (in your circumstances) is best to completely avoid.

As far as the debate in this thread about whether there is something wrong with a non who gets involved in one of these relationships, I would like to weigh in.  I absolutely do not believe that being involved in a relationship with a pwBPD indicates that something is wrong with a non.  I believe most truly healthy people would be completely unaware that people who think BPD thoughts even exist.  Most nons are rightfully blindsided by the pwBPD.  Of course there may be cases where the pwBPD's disordered traits are blatantly apparent (e.g., you're planning to be someone's 6th spouse), but this doesn't seem to be the norm on these boards.  Perhaps it makes sense for every non to look in the mirror after one of these relationships and ask "Is there something wrong with me?"  But for the most part I think dwelling on this question will be un-constructive because the answer is a simple "No, there isn't something wrong with you" and the focus should be more on learning about BPD so that you can dodge the bullet earlier should you ever encounter a pwBPD again.      

[myself]

It's a deeply bittersweet 'success', walking away from someone I love.

Waking up/ facing and accepting the facts is how it's happening.

(Each of us abandoning and being abandoned in the process.) 

[Keysmiami]

I'm not sure I like where some of these posts are going. I had no idea what BPD is before I met her. If I continue to pursue a relationship with someone who is ill and won't get help then yeah there is something wrong with me. I can't be with her I know that but l had an amazing relationship before it was abruptly cut and now I'm made out to be a piece of sh** by her. With two kids involved that I adored it makes it that much harder. This all happened two weeks ago. It stings like nothing else.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not sure I like where some of these posts are going.

What specifically don't you like Key?

[jhkbuzz]

Is it not a form of self sabotage when we seek comfort for ourselves from a person we know will continue to hurt us?

Sounds like my childhood calling... .

:'(

[TheDude]

Hey Keys, I can see that you didn't really get what you were looking for in asking for success stories. That's not really a surprise.

I wish I could just buy flowers for her and she would come to her senses and somehow realize what happened and be open to getting help.

If any of this were that easy, this board probably wouldn't even exist.

As others have mentioned, success may be a word that can have several alternate definitions. Taking a quick look at your back story, it seems the romantic part of your relationship with her was four months, correct? Well, as painful as it ended up, consider that it could have gone on for many years. Trust me, this particular kind of roller coaster doesn't get any more enjoyable the longer you ride it.

So perhaps that dodged bullet is a success in and of itself?

When mine returned for our forth and final shot at this mess, she had insisted that she finally had her head together. Therapy. Meds. The whole ball of wax. And for many months, it appeared as if maybe it was all going to work out the way I had always wanted it to. Stable. Normal. Fun. Forward. And then... .all that bad stuff came crashing down again. Tenfold. I can't help but think if I'd have just let it all go after round one, that would have more of a 'success' than what eventually transpired... .

[Tim300]

When mine returned for our forth and final shot at this mess, she had insisted that she finally had her head together. Therapy. Meds. The whole ball of wax. And for many months, it appeared as if maybe it was all going to work out the way I had always wanted it to. Stable. Normal. Fun. Forward. And then... .all that bad stuff came crashing down again. Tenfold. I can't help but think if I'd have just let it all go after round one, that would have more of a 'success' than what eventually transpired... .

Similar experience here.  But I can say that my final round was useful in that it clarified for me that there was nothing I could do to ever make it work (I really went clearly 100% in), also, I actually might never have discovered the concept of BPD if things had ended much earlier.  And I am quite glad that I now know about BPD.   

[Frankcostello]

Either way I want a success story. I'm in nc now for a few days after a three week abrupt end to a three year friendship four month relationship. My girl is not diagnosed but it is clear to me from learning about BPD that this is what she suffers from. My problem is I love her and now want any kind of relationship with her. In my heart I know that she sabotaged us and is running around in crisis mode all the time. I was very healthy before I got involved but now this has taken its toll I found this site a little to late as she has painted me black. I was always able to reach her heart but now I'm not so sure. Any advice on moving fiorward or what to say to her would be beneficial. I wish I could just buy flowers for her and she would come to her senses and somehow realize what happened and be open to getting help.

A success story will be one where you are no longer dependent on their friendship or love.  A success story is where you see right through their facade they put on for the world.  A success story is where you value yourself enough to realize that they don't appreciate everything you do for them and that you should expect at least respect and appreciation from the person you are with.

I had a 9 month relationship with a BPD in 2011-2012.  At first it was great, she supposedly liked everything I liked and appreciated everything I did for her.  What I realized later was that I should've noticed more things about her in the beginning of our relationship such as her staying in contact with ex flings / boyfriends and lying to me about it. For a few months everything was great, or so I thought. 

Over time her demands became unbearable, she had a bottomless pit of needs, and if I didn't meet every single need of hers there was hell to pay.  In addition, during the entire time I was with her she was triangulating me with her friends so I wouldn't get too close to them to figure out what she was doing behind my back.  She kept disparaging me with her friends.  Mind you she was living with me for a big part of our relationship and she never paid me anything, nor did she ever offer to pay for outings, etc... .but she wanted to keep the facade going because she enjoyed being treated but didn't want me to get too close to her friends so that I wouldn't find out how she really was nor find out about her BPD. 

About 6 months into our relationship she started saying things like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" etc... .I realize now that it was probably around the time she was probably talking to other men. 

She also did periods of silent treatment where she would ignore me for days, as either a sort of punishment or to test the waters.

She later moved out about 8 months into our relationship only to find out later that within a week after moving out she was already sleeping with another guy.  During this whole time she was lying, projecting, accusing me of doing what she was doing, denying she was doing anything wrong, triangulating me with her friends and family while trying to paint me as some sort of monster. She kept trying to paint me as some sort of abusive ass, when in reality she was the one who would throw things at me, curse at me, etc... .She proceeded to block me on facebook, block my phone, etc... .figured she didn't want me to see who the replacement was and because she was telling her friends one thing while telling me something else.

She eventually filed a TRO against me a couple of months after breaking up when I ran into her and my replacement allegedly because I was stalking her.  She failed to mention that she was two blocks away from my house when I ran into her with my replacement. Luckily the judge at the hearing a few weeks later dismissed the motion for a permanent restraining order.

It took me a long time to get over the betrayal, fog, lies, and deception that was part of the relationship with my BPDexgf.  This board helped me quite a bit in understanding what had occurred.

Two years later I see what a waste of my time my relationship with my exBPDgf was.  I now have a wonderful girl who I'm about to be married to, who is normal or as normal as it can get, and who I don't have to constantly wonder whether she is lying to me or not.  A success story is one where the relationship with your exBPD partner doesn't affect you anymore.

[findingmyselfagain]

Cheers to the normal woman, Frankcostello! I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer angry with my ex, but I understand just how hurt and messed up she is. It's sad, but it's my  job to figure it out for her. I do wish her the best and hope that she figures this out someday. I'm also about to marry a nice, normal woman. What a wonderful feeling to truly know you're with someone who is whole, respectful, and mature. I'm hoping for a mature, long, and boring marriage... .in the sense that there aren't large quantities of unnecessary and impossible to explain drama. My pastor once said that the best marriages are boring. We never hear about them because it doesn't get ratings for reality shows. More and more I really do believe he's right.

[findingmyselfagain]

*not my job

[Keysmiami]

I Saw her again today twice. She was still angry but it was the first time I was face to face with her in several weeks.Once again no eye contact. I realize how sick she is.  I'm not sure that makes me feel any better.In three years I got in three disagreements with her and that is all she focuses on. I'll never understand this. I coudnt imagine being with someone right away. I had a chance on a business trip and I didn't because I missed her. Still feel like my heart was ripped out

[paperlung]

Emotionally healthy people don't enter into disordered relationships because they see all of that initial love-bombing, mirroring, idealization, etc., for what it is - they hear and pay heed to their alarm bells going off. And pwBPD are very emotional intuitive, and they will rarely even attempt to attach to a truly healthy person. The relationship is built on mutual need, and figuring out what needs of ours were being fulfilled by our BPDexes is the key to deeper insight into ourselves and an opportunity for growth.

I was a emotionally healthy person before I met my ex back in 2011. My problem was that I had no prior relationship experience. I was 21 and she was my first girlfriend. First everything, actually. The initial love-bombing, mirroring, and idealization was intense. She told me she loved me like 2 weeks into the relationship. I just thought she was really into me because I was different from her ex-boyfriends.

However, if I was meet someone who behaved like my ex did when we first started dating, I'd run for the hills.

[Keysmiami]

It doesn't look good and I'm struggling. im still attached to her kids as they keep asking me to help them. She is so cold and distant. I'm trying nc but when I don't contact her she sends me a one sentence text asking me about something. When I respond a day later she responds with a one sentence text basically being cold. It's brutal. All I want to do is understand and move on. I can't understand this irrational behavior. I never will. I wish I never met her. I feel damaged.