I want a success story

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Either way I want a success story. I'm in nc now for a few days after a three week abrupt end to a three year friendship four month relationship. My girl is not diagnosed but it is clear to me from learning about BPD that this is what she suffers from. My problem is I love her and now want any kind of relationship with her. In my heart I know that she sabotaged us and is running around in crisis mode all the time. I was very healthy before I got involved but now this has taken its toll I found this site a little to late as she has painted me black. I was always able to reach her heart but now I'm not so sure. Any advice on moving fiorward or what to say to her would be beneficial. I wish I could just buy flowers for her and she would come to her senses and somehow realize what happened and be open to getting help.

[Keysmiami]

Either way I want a success story. I'm in nc now for a few days after a three week abrupt end to a three year friendship four month relationship. My girl is not diagnosed but it is clear to me from learning about BPD that this is what she suffers from. My problem is I love her and now want any kind of relationship with her. In my heart I know that she sabotaged us and is running around in crisis mode all the time. I was very healthy before I got involved but now this has taken its toll I found this site a little to late as she has painted me black. I was always able to reach her heart but now I'm not so sure. Any advice on moving fiorward or what to say to her would be beneficial. I wish I could just buy flowers for her and she would come to her senses and somehow realize what happened and be open to getting help.

[Restored2]

Hi Keysmiami.  We all want a success story.  I understand your desperation to want to recover your relationship.  I have been there too.  Many of us have been on the receiving ends of having an abrupt breakup with undiagnosed BPD partners.  Not sure if you really would "want any kind of relationship with her" if she were to continue to mistreat and disrespect you.  No one should have to put up with that.  I would encourage you to protect yourself and take time to regain your strength from the toll that this has taken on you.  It's always better to come from a position of strength than weakness to successfully move forwards with making the right decisions. 

[Copperfox]

It's important to remember that, BPD or not, we all live in our own reality.  And while we may wish that other people would "see things our way", that's about as rational as a pwBPD expecting you to see things their way. Sometimes accepting that is the hardest part.

Not sure what you mean by "success story" ... .what is it that you want out of the situation?  Are you trying to detach? To reconcile?

[BatMasterson]

Sorry you're hurting Keysmiami.   I know exactly how you feel.  If you've been on this site even only a short time you should have read many other scenarios that mirror your posting.  I'm not a moderator or ambassador on the site but my personal feedback after being out for exactly a year and still struggling daily is:

- don't sell yourself short.   You deserve honesty, respect, love, intimacy, caring and commitment in any relationship.  don't settle for anything less.

- "come to her senses"... .wow, how many times have I said the same thing.   but... .you're trying to apply the rules of a functional relationship to a dysfunctional person.   It's like the Sinefeld "opposite" sketch... .doing the logical, reasonable thing WON'T WORK!  you'll have it spun back on you, this will all be your fault and you'll end up feeling worse than if you did nothing.

For me, I went strictly NC.   There's a ton of stuff on the Internet about this but basically just do it.  I'm the terrible poster child as she's come back three times asking to reconcile but she's not willing to put forth any meaningful effort to show she's committed to getting help and working on "us".    I took a long hard look at myself and why I would be willing to accept "less" in a relationship.  Fine, you love her.  I love my ex too and always will   Doesn't mean I should accept being treated as an option, being disrespected and manipulated, cheated on etc.    

After what you've been through, her and the relationship is like a drug and you're the addict.   I know how you're feeling - just the smallest contact, just hearing her voice means a huge wave of relief... .until the cruelness and accusations come out, twisting so it's all your fault, how you're stalking her etc etc... .

Put it this way, if you guys were soulmates, in true love and meant to be, how would she be able to walk away?  you can't because you're here.    she obviously could... .and in most cases over irrational things.   someone posted quite recently that you need to change your mindset from "how could she do this" or "how could I have failed" to "how could she be so foolish to lose me".

Hang in there.  :)o the self-growth.  Become a stronger, better person for your next relationship.

[Keysmiami]

Thanks for the replys. This is so hard I loved what we had miss her kids but couldn't tolerate her insensitivity. She knew that and that's probably why she ended it. I had plans for her on her birthday and Valentine's Day and while dropping flowers off to her apt. it looks like someone beat me to it. She's cold hearted. It must be the disorder. I joined a gym but it's not helping me get over this pain. Why can't I knock some sense into her. She totally sabotaged the relationship.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm in nc now for a few days after a three week abrupt end to a three year friendship four month relationship. My girl is not diagnosed but it is clear to me from learning about BPD that this is what she suffers from.

At just a few weeks out from a disordered relationship, things are still very raw. I know you're confused and in pain.   It gets better.

My problem is I love her and now want any kind of relationship with her.  

There's no shame in loving someone. But sometimes, even if we love someone, we can't have a healthy and/or fulfilling relationship with them (for whatever reason).

You say you want "any kind of relationship with her." What possibilities are you thinking of?

Either way I want a success story.  

What is your definition of a success story?

Any advice on moving fiorward or what to say to her would be beneficial.  

Whether or not your goal is to detach, it's important to radically accept her and the situation as she and it are - not how you wish/think they should be. In doing so, you let go of the outcome of things you can't control (her feelings and actions) and focus on what you can control (yourself).

I was very healthy before I got involved but now this has taken its toll  

These relationships definitely take a toll. And the end leaves us in such turmoil. You've been deeply wounded, and you need some time to grieve and heal.

The truth is, people who are very emotionally healthy don't get involved in disordered relationships. The gift of these relationships is that they can teach us so much about ourselves - our core wounds, our deepest needs, our greatest fears, our inner strength. Listen to what your feelings are telling you.

The best thing you can do right now - for both you and her - is to focus on yourself and take care of yourself.  

[Restored2]

You're welcome, Keysmiami.  I miss mine and her 5 children too.  So I totally get where you are coming from.  She likely ended it to avoid being abandoned by you first, if she knew that you couldn't tolerate her insensitivity.  Their cold heartedness is typical BPD of having a lack of empathy.  They are great at sabotaging relationships too.  If we could simply knock sense into BPD people, there would be a lot of knocking going on out there.

[Copperfox]

This is so hard I loved what we had miss her kids but couldn't tolerate her insensitivity. She knew that and that's probably why she ended it.

I felt bad at the end of mine as well.  I had started to push back over some of the irrational behavior, and that seemed to accelerate the demise.  But what else could we have done?  At some point, you have to be honest about your feelings.  If someone chooses to react to them in a negative way, then how is that good for you? What else can you do?  Pretend that you feel otherwise?  How sustainable is that in the long term? 

Sometimes, the hardest part of the end of these sorts of relationships is facing our own reality.

Think the previous posts all echoed a great question for you, Keysmiami: what is it you want out of this situation?

[Keysmiami]

No empathy whatsoever. Almost in human. I been through break ups but nothing like this yeah I guess I am not healthy emotionally to even get involved with a train wreck like her. It helps if I see her for what she us and not remember what she mirrored to me. She actually became everything I always wanted in a women. It was an illusion how sad how sad   I'm in a deep dark place now.

[Keysmiami]

She wanted to be friends like it was before. I had a three year friendship with her. I started to do more and more for her. Pick up her kid from school everyday. Do all the man things she so desperately needed. My problem was I couldn't keep on doing that if I was not with her. I mean did she think I would be helping her while she is going out with other guys. The painful thing is she lives one floor above me. I think I have to move.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm in a deep dark place now.

I'm so sorry, Keys... .I know it hurts.   I promise you it will get so much better.

Sadness always comes with acceptance. The FOG is clearing, and you're beginning to see who she is. It hurts like hell, but it's an important part of healing and detaching.

My problem was I couldn't keep on doing that if I was not with her. I mean did she think I would be helping her while she is going out with other guys.

I don't blame you for not wanting that. It's very healthy that you're realizing your own needs and limits, and focusing on your emotional well-being. 

I imagine it would be very awkward and painful to live so close. If you think moving would be the best thing for you, then I'd say do so. The most important thing is taking care of You.

[Keysmiami]

It's really sick. She made me desire her only to sabotage it and to discard me like a piece of trash. I was her best friend and did so much for her. I had both feet in and she got scared. I could accept it if she wasn't in to me or tgere was something lacking in our relationship. Her little one adored me and I took care of her. It's so painful because I've lost her too.

[Keysmiami]

I want to ask her one question. Why did she sabotage it? Do you think I would get a response?

[Warney]

Key i infact have the same loss. you lose 2 partners in life and the void is huge. Time will heal all . You will have good days and bad days. Just be strong and work on yourself.

Go to the gym and go for a run, you will feel better after if only for an hour.

[Restored2]

I want to ask her one question. Why did she sabotage it? Do you think I would get a response?

She probably would not even know what the answer is for herself let alone you.

[Copperfox]

I want to ask her one question. Why did she sabotage it? Do you think I would get a response?

She probably would not even know what the answer is for herself let alone you.

I think Restored is right.  So she "sabotaged" things. Why? Because for whatever reason, you've become a trigger for her. She's trying cope with a lot of inner turmoil, the only way she knows how.

Pushing her for answers, answers to questions she struggles to understand herself, is probably not going to help either of you. You won't get the understanding you seek, and her emotional dysregulation will only deepen.  The kindest thing to do is to back off.

Happy Nihlist, Warney, and others have all offered some good advice about things you can do for yourself during this difficult time.

[Keysmiami]

I broke nc she is ignoring me. I can't take it. Every minute seems like an eternity. I wish it would be normal. This is beyond cruel.

[Suzn]

Hey Key. So sorry you're hurting right now. Good to see you here discussing your feelings with us. I know it how painful these situations are, I've been right were you are my friend.

Do you have friends or family you might be able to stay with for the weekend or even a week to get some time away from this? I think it's very wise of you to consider moving, is that an option for you right away?

Just to put her no response to breaking nc in perspective. 5 children is a lot of work and she may be triggered as well, I know it's hard but try not to take this personally. The lifestyle  you told us about is who she is, removing yourself from the equation can only help you regain your footing emotionally. 

[Keysmiami]

Thanks for your reply. She has two children. I can't get off the couch today I'm devastated

[fromheeltoheal]

There's a lot of info we can give you that will help in your detachment and healing, but it's too new and you're still too raw to hear it Key.  When I was where you are I was sitting on a couch too, drinking myself into chemical bliss; I don't recommend it, but it worked for me in the short term.  The worst thing you can do is sit and stew, and the best thing you can do is something radically different; go somewhere, do something, be with somebody.  You won't feel like it, but any distraction will help for now.  Take the body and the mind will follow.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that Keysmiami. I can relate with truly difficult days and moments when things were raw.

I think fromheeltoheal makes a really good point.

As crummy as you may feel right now, it's a good idea to find a distraction, get some fresh air.

[JRT]

I actually posted something similar to this a couple of months ago... .maybe its not what you want to hear (It wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time) but there are few if any success stories... .the ones that I read indicated slightly muted continuances of relationships but nothing to the effect where there was some revelation on their part, they returned to the relationship and lived happily ever after... .I recall people responding on that thread but all but one or two argued that there are few success stories.

Mine disappeared without warning... .no fights, no arguments; she has JUST moved in... .I went out of town and was notified via an angry text message after being together for over 2 years... .5 months later and I have still not hear from her (she blocked me from contact in every way that you could imagine). Maybe THAT'S my success story.

[Invictus01]

Unfortunately, dude, there is no such thing as a success story with this. The relationship you were in... .Unfortunately, it wasn't real. It was a mirage. A well played well acted mirage that couldn't be sustained. It was fun. It left us screwed up in the head. But that's all it was... .

[myself]

'Success' may mostly be just getting through and surviving this, facing the facts, believing in yourself, and moving on. You can't go backward, or fix someone who's set on sabotaging herself and the relationship. Be as calm as you can and focus on letting go. Easier said than done, but doable.

[Keysmiami]

I think I need to get to the point where I despise her. I think I'm almost there. What a sick bi***

[JRT]

I think I need to get to the point where I despise her. I think I'm almost there. What a sick bi***

Yup... .its very difficult to go from 'I'll stand in front of a speeding train for you' to 'I'm glad I am no longer with you' immediately... .it takes time; sometimes something to hate them for helps... .I didn't turn the corner until she called the cops on me when I attempted to contact her on xmas eve. THAT pissed me off and really allowed me the opportunity to hate her (as if I didn't already have a license to do so).

[jhkbuzz]

I think I need to get to the point where I despise her. I think I'm almost there. What a sick bi***

You are deeply grieving... .it's to be expected for such a serious loss. I'm so sorry; I know the pain feels as though it's more than you can bear.  But you will - and you'll come out stronger on the other side.

It sounds like you have been experiencing the first stage of grief: denial. It is very, very painful stage to be in, and we all know how you feel.

Denial- This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

The second stage of grief is anger, and perhaps you are moving towards that now.  But keep in mind - the stages aren't linear, and you can repeat stages intermittently.

For more info: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

[Restored2]

I want to ask her one question. Why did she sabotage it? Do you think I would get a response?

She probably would not even know what the answer is for herself let alone you.

I think Restored is right.  So she "sabotaged" things. Why? Because for whatever reason, you've become a trigger for her. She's trying cope with a lot of inner turmoil, the only way she knows how.

Pushing her for answers, answers to questions she struggles to understand herself, is probably not going to help either of you. You won't get the understanding you seek, and her emotional dysregulation will only deepen.  The kindest thing to do is to back off.

Happy Nihlist, Warney, and others have all offered some good advice about things you can do for yourself during this difficult time.

Copperfox: To add to what you said, it takes a lot of work and is not fun for anyone to look at the inner gunk in their lives, especially when being a BPD person.  It is much easier to just avoid, ignore, deny, and stick ones head in the sand.

[Keysmiami]

Well she called me. Very angry and blamed me for the five second encounter I had that did not go well. I was trying to tell her that her kid was reaching out to me and insisted I come over I thought it was an emergency. Anyway she is fixated on that and doesn't see anything else. To make matters worse I saw her on my way in. Basically ignored me as well as the kid who I loved and cared for. I tried to explain again but my I phone was cutting out of course she wouldn't let me speak to her on my other phone she cut me off again. How sadistic and sick an individual. In all honesty all I did was love and care for her over three years. She compared me to her ex husband. Maybe now I see that no matter what I say or do she will always fixate on one little thing I did wrong. It would have happened eventually as I'm human. I experienced three major losses in one weeks time. I never ever want to go through this again. Thank God there are no kids or legal issues involved I can just walk away. This illness is the absolute kiss of death for any relationship. I just hope I can have a relationship in the future.

[Restored2]

Keysmiami: My heart really goes out to you in all of this.  I totally know how you are feeling.  Sounds like a very unfortunate turn of events on you.  Did her kid ignore you too? 

They are sick individuals that can display very sadistic behaviors.  Your quote sums it up extremely well; "This illness is the absolute kiss of death for any relationship". 

Continue to thank God and count your blessings amidst the storm.  There is hope for a better future.  Hang in there!