I used to play in the same sports team my exBPDgf played. Although she left the team some months ago she still showed up at matches as a guest. It always annoyed me because I still felt being watched. And it prevent me from detaching. So I decided to leave the team, I also had no motivation for that sport anyway anymore so it was not just because of her.
The thing is: I still really like my old team and would love to watch their games as a guest but there’s a great possibility that my exBPDgf will show up as well and I don’t want that. I’d still be too vulnerable especially because I would be on my own as a guest. When I was still a team member it was different. But now it would be too weird. The both of sitting on the same bench, even being in the same room. It would be too much tension I guess.
Today is a match I’d love to attend but I just know I can’t. I miss my old team and would love to see them play and they might think I abandonded them because I told them I would come and watch some games. But I’m too afraid she might show up. And even if not… even just putting myself out there, even giving her any possibility to get to me again would be just too much for me.
It hurts a lot, I’m so tempted to go. I love that team very much still.
But at some point you have to make a decision wether you really want to detach or let some ways for your exBPD open. It’s a very conscious decision because deep down I still – at least in some way – hope that some day we can be friends again. But because I know this I also know I have to discard the hope in giving her nopossibility to reach out. Only then I can detach. It’s the only way even if I’m still hurting very much. Today would’ve been our first year aniversary, so it’s much harder. But whatever. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, not for others.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing? I know lots of peope who say that I shouldn't give everything up because of her because she then still is able to control me in some way. But I actually don't care about that control thing. For me it's not about control and if not showing up means I am able to detach properly then I guess I have to follow through with it.
Given your current state of mind, I think you're making the right decision.
Someone once told me that sometimes you just have to know when to cut and RUN - to get the hell out of dodge. I don't run away by nature (I'm a New Yorker and relish a good argument
!). But he was right - I was in a situation that I needed to get the hell away from, and running far and fast in the opposite direction was the best thing to do for ME.
I think you'll know when you're ready to see her because it won't churn up such emotional "stuff" for you. You will
know when you're feeling strong enough. It sounds like you're aware that you're not ready to see her yet.
But I'm sorry, because I know it's hard when you want to go watch your team play.
