New Here / My Story / Question About NC

[tenderhearted]

hello everyone,

so glad there is such a warm and active community who can relate to some of my experiences. everything I've read so far has been so helpful, during a time when I really needed help.

wanted to share a little of my story and introduce myself and ask a few questions. Thanks for reading.

got out of my 8 month relationship with my udBPD ex about a month and half ago, minus a very brief recycle 3 weeks after the initial breakup.

needless to say, my head is still spinning with doubts and questions, but regardless of the noise I am committed to coming out the other side of this thing a stronger wiser and more compassionate human.

so happy a friend introduced me to the term crazy-making because it was the missing piece in finally being able to recognize the dysfunctional aspects of my ex's behavior for what they were

for example, the first time my ex told me she loved me (it was very early on into our relationship btw and it caught me off guard) was in the same conversation where she told me she was unattracted to me and wanted to sleep with a guy she had met at a party. when i tried to explain how what she had said hurt me, instead of empathizing, she asked "so I shouldn't have said I was unattracted to you? its just sex, why would that bother you?" I let it slide. I let a lot of things slide. It's easy to make excuses for somebody's behavior when during or after something hurtful happens they say "I love you." It's then easy to forget that they've also taken zero accountability for their actions and the hurtful actions keep repeating and the I love you's keep getting said. Talk is cheap, so I'm realizing. I never imagined I would be manipulated by a phrase that in its purest form brings so much positive energy into our lives. I guess when corrupted the phrase can do just as much harm as good.

anyways, I will share more in the future but for now I have an important question I would like to ask about NC. Does NC include blocking your ex on Facebook? I'm guessing this is a case by case basis, but I'm also wondering if anyone else is struggling with frequent visits to their ex's page even though they know it's damaging to them and their recovery? My ex has texted me a few times since our recycle, and it was hard not to respond but I refrained. The Facebook thing is quagmire, a whole other animal, because in someways reading her histrionic Facebook posts makes me realize I don't want to be with her. On the other hand, seeing pictures of her and all the cool events she's been going to makes miss our times going to events together and keeps me attached to her.  

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks for reading.

[rjones91]

In the beginning I was always checking twitter as it was the only means of me seeing what my ex was up to. But it used to hurt me BADLY as she didn't care what she posted or said. So for me, NC meant, no checking any of her social media accounts (and yes I eventually deleted, unfriended and blocked her), no texts, no calls, no emails (including any responses to her from me).

I also deleted and got rid of everything including pictures, texts, cards, letters, emails... .every single thing associated with her. I was able to do this as I have no desire to get back with my ex. If you truly want to go NC that means absolutely NC of any sorts. I know it may seem hard, but trust me it gets easier each day. Not sure how long you and your ex have been apart, but it took me about a month to stop obsessing over and checking my ex social media accounts.

But if you are not disciplined yet to stop checking, de-activate your FB for a little while.

[vbor]

I'm a little over 1 month NC myself right now. I cheated a bit today by visiting her Facebook profile. Emotionally, I'm in a much better place right now compared to how I was a few weeks ago so I figured what-the-heck. A few weeks ago, if I had looked, I would've got that warm sick feeling in my stomach and crawled under my desk, curled up in a fetal position and weep for hours. I wanted to look today just to gauge where I am in my healing process. I was a bit nervous about looking but I'm glad I did now. BTW my ex is a diagnosed BPD, so there's no arguing the "Is she or is she not?" thing. She even mentioned that to me (in passing) when we first met. "Oh, they got meds for that stuff, right?" Silly me.

Anyways. Facebook, for her, was always used during the course of our relationship as a tool for either love-bombing me or posting cryptic messages and/or memes and quotes to get some kind of emotional response from me. They were almost usually used to start some kind of argument. And blissfully unaware of what I was dealing with at the time... .I ALWAYS took the bait.

She knew I always kept tabs on her through Facebook when we were together. It really had to do with the fact I was concerned with with her bizarre interaction with her friends. Most of the time it was the "Look at me, look at me, I'm important, I matter" kind of stuff. Then there were those other scary times I witnessed her raging against family member and friends... .typing in all caps saying the most awful things about these people. She rarely if ever shared her thoughts or feelings about anything outside of our relationship with me in person (but seemed to have no problem doing that with complete strangers in other countries). I mean come-on... .5000+ friends? I felt like Facebook was my only real window into her world.

But this "world"... .it was the world she wanted me to see. Facebook was a weapon she wielded as skilled as any Samurai.

After the textbook turn on a dime text message breakup, I (of course) still watched her Facebook. I was heartbroken and still need answers. I had un-friended her, but she still keeps ALL her posts public. And guess what happens 5 days after the breakup? New profile pic with the "replacement" (of course). Me being new to the "wonderful" world of BPD and not quite well versed in how it works... .I immediately texted her asking who the guy was. All I got back was "Just a friend" and the "I need time and space" BS. Anyways, long story short... .we have had no communication since that text.

So I broke down today and finally checked her Facebook profile while I was at work. There were more pictures of her with the same guy that was in her profile picture. They were on a Valentine's Day date two weeks back. The pictures looked very posed and rehearsed with forced smiles and the whole nine. There was no romantic nature to these photos what-so-ever. The guy appeared much older than me and I'm 42... .she's 30. It almost appeared that she photo bombed some poor guy sitting at the bar. Maybe she rented him for the night? All her comments on the pictures were about her feeling (not being) so in love and feeling like Cinderella and a Princess. The typical fairy tale stuff I was used to during my time with her (she made me always call her "Princess". Now what stuck me the most is what she had on in these pictures. Featured prominently was the necklace I had bought her last Valentine's Day as well as the engagement ring I had given her. She was always gushing about those 2 pieces of jewelry to all her friends and family. In one picture she was making a point of showing the ring off in the foreground. Wow. It was so over-the top and intentional. Funny thing is... .the guy in those pictures wasn't tagged in any of them or did he make any comments about them. He wasn't even on her friends list.

Those pictures were two weeks ago. Since then, over the past few days her posts have been focused on depression and anti-relationship memes. Her last post 2 days ago just said "it's bad news". I guess that means there's trouble in "paradise". I guess it also means I need to be on the lookout and keep my guard up. I think I know what comes next. As if the random driving 5 miles out of her way past my house almost nightly haven't already clued me into that storm looming just over the horizon.

She's assuming I've been watching all along (like I always did). She want's me to look. She's trying to get a response. I haven't given her one and nor will I ever. I know the rules of the game now. Beginning therapy, this forum (especially) and A LOT of reading and self-reflection gave me the instructions.

So my best advice... .YES. Definitely block on Facebook. It is the BPD's playground. Some will use it just to hurt you. Some will use it as a tool to pull you back in. Yes, I did look today. I will not be looking again. I was desperately seeking closure or validation for the longest time and I think this was the closest I'll get to that.


WE should try and keep all our important social relationships grounded in reality simply because WE CAN.

[fromheeltoheal]

Talk is cheap, so I'm realizing.

 Yes it is, and as you've realized, the behaviors are the real message, the words often contradict the behaviors, and often used to try and cloud the message of the behaviors.  It's up to us to decide how much we make the words mean.

NC is a tool to help us to detach emotionally, so when deciding how NC to go, gauge it by the emotional reaction you experience when there's some kind of communication or contact.  Facebook is sketchy in general, since folks are broadcasting their life to a lot of people, so it's human nature to put a positive spin on everything.  There have been studies that have shown if you're depressed and you read a bunch of rosy Facebook posts from your friends it can make you more depressed.

You're right though, what a borderline ex posts can actually help us detach when the fog clears a little and we get some clarity, and we begin to see the ridiculousness of what we were enmeshed with.  On the other hand, at some point an ex is going to post a photo of them with a new conquest, the new happy couple, and seeing that probably won't feel so great.  Me, I was royally pissed off at her when I left her, and after about a week of seeing her post complete crap full of lies and sugar coating I was done with her, haven't been back to her page since and it hasn't been very difficult to stay away.  Bottom line, is having a Facebook connection with her helping or hurting your emotional detachment?

[raisins3142]

Avoid masochistic hurt with checking facebook, even if it is dressed up in your mind.

It can be easy to make excuses to check and then feel hurt, be honest with yourself as best possible about what is going on in your head around this.

[Mutt]

Hi tenderhearted,

for example, the first time my ex told me she loved me (it was very early on into our relationship btw and it caught me off guard) was in the same conversation where she told me she was unattracted to me and wanted to sleep with a guy she had met at a party. when i tried to explain how what she had said hurt me, instead of empathizing, she asked "so I shouldn't have said I was unattracted to you? its just sex, why would that bother you?"

Emotional blackmail. Guilt from (FOG) and a little projection in there.

She did use strong words early in the r/s? She said she loved you.

It's her actions and she may not feel comfortable with her actions and projects her emotions on someone else.

I was struggling and going through biological reactions and withdrawal[/url] days and weeks after the break-up. My ex partner had went no contact with me, in that sense it makes it easier than when you leave your partner and they may harangue you. Although she was sending harassing texts, emails I decided to de-activate my social media accounts.

I think she was using a separate account and peeking on FB, I did say something angrily publicly on FB and she said a friend saw it and told her. I removed what mutual friends we had that had cut me off as well, so it could be her friends and I do suspect it was her. I knew I would have the urge to look on social media and peek and I didn't want to see her and the new bf. I was abandoned and the pain was very raw. I blocked her from text as well and opened another email address different than my personal one. We have kids and I didn't want personal / parenting emails mixed up in case I had to look for an email for legal purposes later.

[tenderhearted]

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's been helpful. I've realized for awhile now that our Facebook connection has been more harmful than helpful, but I still struggle to not check up on her on a daily basis. At the end of our relationship, my ex was feeling suicidal, and refused to seek treatment. In the aftermath of our relationship, Facebook was my way of knowing that she's still alive. This is really hard to write and hard to talk and think about, but it also gives me confidence to know that I'm getting better at dealing with my triggers. When we broke up, I threw away everything that reminded me of her and it was a very liberating experience. Besides my own memories, questions, and doubts, Facebook feels like the last thread stitching us together, which is why its so hard to let go of, even though I am confident that she and I can not function in a healthy relationship with one another because... . 

during our very brief recycle, I could see her dysfunction more clearly, her manipulation, and victimizing. It made me sick to see, for myself and for her, because the pain I saw in her eyes and face, a pain that I know was there long before I made my appearance in her life, won't go away until she seeks appropriate help. I allowed myself to be lured in by apologies and promises. I was skeptical, however, that change was possible, on her end and my end, as well. I arrived at the park where we had agreed to meet both anxious and hopeful. When I arrived, I was falsely accused of things, and threatened physically. Before meeting, I specifically asked her not to discuss with me anything related to sex with other people or dates she had been on since we had broken up. I asked her this in advance because she had a history of talking about sex with other people in order to get a reaction out of me. Show someone your achilles heel and sure enough that's where they will attack you. When she went back on our agreement and told me about a guy she had hooked up with after we had broken up, and I subsequently told her that I didn't want to hear about it, she interrupted me to say defensively "why does this bother you so much? you broke up with me." And boom! we, like robots, were instantly thrown back into our old communication patterns. I was actually about to answer her question, but then something my T had told me started to make sense. The T was blunt with me one day when he said "I think it would be a good idea to stop telling your gf your feelings because she doesn't seem to know how to take care of them."  So I didn't. I changed the subject. The next day, I made the difficult decision end things again. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone where I didn't feel safe enough to share my feelings.

Haven't said a word since, yet still checking her Facebook. I keep asking myself "tenderhearted, what are you looking for?" I think the better question might be "why are you punishing yourself?"

[Infared]

(She made me always call her Princess)

Remind me to put that on my list of major   's!   

[apollotech]

My BPDexgf is not blocked on anything--phone, FB, email, anything. Now, that being said, she also knows better than to try to contact me. She knows me pretty well. She did send me a Valentine's Day text to which I didn't respond.

I did find myself on her FB page quiet a bit during the beginning of NC. She was tagging me in photos and the like. I did not like nor comment on any of her posts. She eventually stopped tagging me in stuff. This is the important point: the person that she projects herself to be on FB is a completely false person, a fake. Once I saw, understood, and accepted that, I found it very easy to stay off of her FB page. It's just all manure and drama set up so that she can play the victim and to fulfill her narcissistic/BPD need for attention. It is a very shallow and sad life that these pwBPD lead.

[Technique]

(She made me always call her Princess)

Remind me to put that on my list of major   's!   

O M G ... Mine used to ask me to call her that too!  42 years old... The first red flag  was around two weeks into the relationship, and then they started to mount up in numbers. Dumbo here disregarded them time and time again. A more healthy man would've binned her straight away. Not me. Lessons learned!

[apollotech]

(She made me always call her Princess)

Remind me to put that on my list of major   's!   

O M G ... Mine used to ask me to call her that too!  42 years old... The first red flag  was around two weeks into the relationship, and then they started to mount up in numbers. Dumbo here disregarded them time and time again. A more healthy man would've binned her straight away. Not me. Lessons learned!

Don't feel bad guys. We ALL can list trained circus dog on our résumé. I jumped through so many firey hoops that my tail is scorched. At least we can leave the circus; they never can!

[Infared]

(She made me always call her Princess)

Remind me to put that on my list of major   's!   

O M G ... Mine used to ask me to call her that too!  42 years old... The first red flag  was around two weeks into the relationship, and then they started to mount up in numbers. Dumbo here disregarded them time and time again. A more healthy man would've binned her straight away. Not me. Lessons learned!

Don't feel bad guys. We ALL can list trained circus dog on our résumé. I jumped through so many firey hoops that my tail is scorched. At least we can leave the circus; they never can!

... .and now... .For the 7000th time, right here under or Big Top, in the center ring we have the victim clown... .