So, after year and a half we end up in bed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, this story has (kind of) a happy end, please bear with me.

533 days passed, and for each and every of these days I was MISERABLE. Nothing really helped. Crying, raging, hobbies, travel, workout, spirituality, I still thought about her every day. Suffering was eating my soul. Please don't get me wrong, I nailed all the lessons into my brain, but either I am just too weak or there is something else wrong. Anyway, we were almost total NC, she just sends a message on every holiday or birthday. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes I reply with something nice. But as this insanity kept rolling, I started entertaining the thought that maybe meeting her head on would help move things along. After all, I cannot live in constant fear of bumping into her; we live in a smallish city, only a kilometer apart.

Some two weeks ago I intentionally miss her birthday and she gets into victim mode texting, and sure, I send her a card, which made her stop. Then a week ago, she starts baiting me. I intentionally go with it and pick her up from a club at 3AM. Wow, what a scene. She is 37, middle management, drunk in youth club, falling over guys. Anyway, we greet and within first 10 sentences she already is triangulating and provoking. Her friends arrive and I see utter contempt in their eyes. So, smearing happened. But I drag her out and drive her to my home. Of course, we end up in bed within minutes but she asks for a condom and I have to get out of bed to fetch it and while doing that I get to my senses, return and tell her it is a bad idea and I want to stop. She proceeds to, well… rape me. She is normally submissive in sex, but this was like an animal uncaged. Hitting me, biting, pressing me down. She is smaller and weaker, but I let her because only other option would be to hit her. We fall asleep and talk some the next morning. I try to get as much as possible off my chest, but remain positive and fair. Didn't let her apologize but I otherwise supported her achievements. And then at the very end, a question came – „Now what?“. I say „I don't know now, we might never see each other again or we might not be able to remain separated“. „Fair“, she replied.

But, a few hours later she launches into a full two-day drama about unprotected sex and fear of STD. Luckily, I do have an STD scan from last year and finally send it to her. She insists that it is too old and I tell her to connect the dots why it is enough. She still insists and I ask „Will you really push me to share this with you, knowing that I am giving you a tool to hurt me“? She still insists. „I had nobody since“. This stops her completely, we talk some more, and at the end she cracks and asks „WHY are you good to me“?

Anyway, for the past week I keep some contact, but she stonewalls and replies with passive one liners. I fished to see if she wants to spend some time over the weekend together, but she deflected that too. The end.

My feelings and lessons learned:

- I am not back in grief. Sure, this rocked me some, but I cycled through craving, sadness, anger and acceptance in a day or two.

- I was most certainly used, but I do not FEEL used. This is a bit novel to me and I need some time to figure out why

- did she change? No, not a bit. She thinks, behaves and reacts 100% the same as she did years ago

- is she happier? No. She still hates her family, is single, lonely at the time and quite bitter

- was the grass greener? No. I know she had a major relationship, which she completely cut out of her catch-up story.

- does she miss/think about me? Yes. Every one of her holiday texts came right before bedtime. So she did hope to get one from me during the day. But I have no illusions, she needs that only to convince herself that we're „ok“

- I believe she has great trouble handling this episode. She obviously wants me to disappear, but she cannot paint me black. There is just no way. I was perfect to the last word, using everything I learned here. This makes me a bit proud. If all plays well, it cost me nothing and I managed compassion.

Now what? If patterns repeat, it will take her a few more weeks and then she will attempt to reengage fully. Will I go for it? I honestly don't know. Such a long time has passed and I found no one else. Each day I work on getting wishful thinking under control. We'll see soon. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you for reading; I'd appreciate your thoughts.

D.

[Numbers]

Hello, this story has (kind of) a happy end, please bear with me.

533 days passed, and for each and every of these days I was MISERABLE. Nothing really helped. Crying, raging, hobbies, travel, workout, spirituality, I still thought about her every day. Suffering was eating my soul. Please don't get me wrong, I nailed all the lessons into my brain, but either I am just too weak or there is something else wrong. Anyway, we were almost total NC, she just sends a message on every holiday or birthday. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes I reply with something nice. But as this insanity kept rolling, I started entertaining the thought that maybe meeting her head on would help move things along. After all, I cannot live in constant fear of bumping into her; we live in a smallish city, only a kilometer apart.

Some two weeks ago I intentionally miss her birthday and she gets into victim mode texting, and sure, I send her a card, which made her stop. Then a week ago, she starts baiting me. I intentionally go with it and pick her up from a club at 3AM. Wow, what a scene. She is 37, middle management, drunk in youth club, falling over guys. Anyway, we greet and within first 10 sentences she already is triangulating and provoking. Her friends arrive and I see utter contempt in their eyes. So, smearing happened. But I drag her out and drive her to my home. Of course, we end up in bed within minutes but she asks for a condom and I have to get out of bed to fetch it and while doing that I get to my senses, return and tell her it is a bad idea and I want to stop. She proceeds to, well… rape me. She is normally submissive in sex, but this was like an animal uncaged. Hitting me, biting, pressing me down. She is smaller and weaker, but I let her because only other option would be to hit her. We fall asleep and talk some the next morning. I try to get as much as possible off my chest, but remain positive and fair. Didn't let her apologize but I otherwise supported her achievements. And then at the very end, a question came – „Now what?“. I say „I don't know now, we might never see each other again or we might not be able to remain separated“. „Fair“, she replied.

But, a few hours later she launches into a full two-day drama about unprotected sex and fear of STD. Luckily, I do have an STD scan from last year and finally send it to her. She insists that it is too old and I tell her to connect the dots why it is enough. She still insists and I ask „Will you really push me to share this with you, knowing that I am giving you a tool to hurt me“? She still insists. „I had nobody since“. This stops her completely, we talk some more, and at the end she cracks and asks „WHY are you good to me“?

Anyway, for the past week I keep some contact, but she stonewalls and replies with passive one liners. I fished to see if she wants to spend some time over the weekend together, but she deflected that too. The end.

My feelings and lessons learned:

- I am not back in grief. Sure, this rocked me some, but I cycled through craving, sadness, anger and acceptance in a day or two.

- I was most certainly used, but I do not FEEL used. This is a bit novel to me and I need some time to figure out why

- did she change? No, not a bit. She thinks, behaves and reacts 100% the same as she did years ago

- is she happier? No. She still hates her family, is single, lonely at the time and quite bitter

- was the grass greener? No. I know she had a major relationship, which she completely cut out of her catch-up story.

- does she miss/think about me? Yes. Every one of her holiday texts came right before bedtime. So she did hope to get one from me during the day. But I have no illusions, she needs that only to convince herself that we're „ok“

- I believe she has great trouble handling this episode. She obviously wants me to disappear, but she cannot paint me black. There is just no way. I was perfect to the last word, using everything I learned here. This makes me a bit proud. If all plays well, it cost me nothing and I managed compassion.

Now what? If patterns repeat, it will take her a few more weeks and then she will attempt to reengage fully. Will I go for it? I honestly don't know. Such a long time has passed and I found no one else. Each day I work on getting wishful thinking under control. We'll see soon. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you for reading; I'd appreciate your thoughts.

D.

[cloudten]

Wow- So interesting to read your experience. Reaffirming that nothing changes... .and she was still manipulative and lying with regards to her other relationship.

I suppose you'll need to decide if you really want that back in your life? You'll need a firm plan of action.

I allowed it back into my life... .and each time I do, the ending gets worse and worse. Yesterday, my BPD tried to break into my house while I was there. So, it is not getting better or even remaining the same on my end- it is getting worse. Something to keep in mind.