Do they attempt a recycle when you are dating someone else?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Out of interest I have read about various attempted recycles on this site which is helpful. Quick question - do they dare attempt a recycle when you are dating someone else? In other words will they try it on in some way or go for indirect contact - or indeed is their shame and fear of rejection too much? Any thoughts? Or alternatively does the BPD ex think "right I can get him back with me and not her"?

[confused1730]

Out of interest I have read about various attempted recycles on this site which is helpful. Quick question - do they dare attempt a recycle when you are dating someone else? In other words will they try it on in some way or go for indirect contact - or indeed is their shame and fear of rejection too much? Any thoughts? Or alternatively does the BPD ex think "right I can get him back with me and not her"?

[misty_red]

Hey,

I think everyone's different therefore I don't really know, but I can tell you about my experience.

When word had spread that I got someone new my exBPDgf showed up at places she knew I'd be 100%. I don't think it was a coincidence. But I also think that even if they try to contact you covertly they also paint you blacker in some way. I don't know how it works but in my case it was like that. She knew about my new possible love interest, she showed up but also treated me like I wasn't even there. She made sure to make me feel invisible to her and ignored me big time. So I got painted blacker than ever in some way. I guess she needed to show up just to show me how she doesn't care about me at all in ignoring me big time and stuff. I don't know. Weird ___. It didn't make sense for me.

But let me tell you this: even nons behave that way sometimes, so it doesn't neccesarily have to do with BPD.

People are different and borderlines are people as well, don't forget that.

[JRT]

I wonder what the heck they hope to accomplish by showing up in places that they know that their ex's will be... .even to a disordered mind. I suspect that mine is calling me from spoofed numbers but not saying anything when I answer. Not sure what this accomplishes for them... .

[confused1730]

JRT - is that after a break up of some time?

[JRT]

yes... .I am more than 5 months out.

[confused1730]

JRT - thanks. Hope you don't mind me asking but did the indirect contact or feeling that she was lurking start after 5 months out or earlier?

[raisins3142]

As Misty_red said, even nons are weird sometimes.

However, nons and (I think especially) BPDs will do weird stuff if they have plausible deniability.  Let's say they know you are with someone but they know that you don't know that they know.  They might show up with someone to flaunt that they are doing okay also, and then act surprised if you are there with someone (even though they knew it would go down like that).  Even when everyone kinda knows what is up, plausible deniability provides enough social veneer (or delusion) to allow such things to go down without as much embarrassment.

[JRT]

JRT - thanks. Hope you don't mind me asking but did the indirect contact or feeling that she was lurking start after 5 months out or earlier?

My gut tells me that she had never stopped checking in on me. The calls, I feel are recent. She is lightly technical so I suspect that she went searching for a way to anonymize her calls to me. As for FB, I caught her red handed about 6 weeks ago. There was also something unusual that happened with FB that leads me to believe that she (or someone else) may have been trying to get into my account. No smoking guns except for the FB incident... .More direct to the question is that if one WERE to look up my feed on FB, they would see a photo of me (on my photo collage) of me and a woman that I took to a party as a date (but went no further with). Might be freaking her out... .dunno.

I know that mine is going though some difficulties right now and that might be what is prompting this activity. In the past, I was the one that reached out. This time, I don't have the desire but even if I did, she has called the cops on me just for calling! I suspect that she is rueing the day that she did that right now.

[confused1730]

JRT - wow that is interesting. My friends girlfriend who my ex she is not friends with and never hang out with contacted her out of the blue two weeks ago - they only net three times and never alone only when we went out as a foursome. My friends gf didn't respond... .it was followed by my ex sending her a text "Hi - sorry I have not been in touch"... .My friends girlfriend was gobsmacked has she has never socialised with her nor did she call each other ever when we were together. I just feel she is putting the feelers out and sussing who I am with etc... .it certainly isn't random as I am the only common denominator. Guess I am wondering whether this indirect contact two weeks ago may escalate?

[Deeno02]

Beats me. All i know is that when we were together, her facebook and Instagram were private. Had to request access. Now, with the new guy, its all access. Well, i fell for it and commented on how Im glad shes happy and was met with a nasty text message(shocked she had my number, I dont have hers) and then immediate blocking on Instagram. Its like she wanted me to see it.

[JRT]

I don't feel that it was random (I think that I comment on that thread). I believe that some of them establish a life line of sorts back to you: a person or reason with whom that can use to make contact. In the past, mine used some 'unfinished business' (she used to manage my website). When she felt it was time to re-engage, she would send a note along the lines of 'here is your user name and password, have a good day'.

Along the lines of your situation, mine had unfriended all of my friend EXCEPT (the guy who would have been the best man in our weddings) my buddies wife. She remained in contact with her even though they really didn't have any real comings and goings at all. At one point, I was told that she wanted to tell his wife 'why I cannot be with JRT'. I saw this as an attempt to 'speak' to her issues through my buddies wife AND to have a life line back to me. Long story short, the wife is and incredible nut case who wound up going postal on me for an unrelated something or other (still trying to figure that one out as well) that never really recognized my ex's communication for what it was... .and maybe even stoked her fire even hotter and painted me even blacker. Who knows... .

[JRT]

Beats me. All i know is that when we were together, her facebook and Instagram were private. Had to request access. Now, with the new guy, its all access. Well, i fell for it and commented on how Im glad shes happy and was met with a nasty text message(shocked she had my number, I dont have hers) and then immediate blocking on Instagram. Its like she wanted me to see it.

Do you mean that she used to have FB set as 'friends' when you were together and now its 'public' so anyone can see everything on her feed?

[confused1730]

JRT - you are incredibly helpful in your replies thanks. You can know doubt see that this seemingly non-random communication to my friends girlfriend has thrown me off course a little I admit that. I suppose I am just wondering if she's sees the non response to her communication as rejection and whether that triggers another route for communication (more direct?) or indeed will she just paint me even blacker than she did at the break up - you I know can't answer and neither should I care - but it intrigues me and also prepares me by getting the views of others.

[JRT]

Knowledge is power in healing there is no doubt. Knowing others perspectives and similar instances has helped me to cope and to heal.

I would expect this to not be the last such attempt. You may wish to prepare your reaction for when she more directly contacts you... .what will you say?

[Deeno02]

Beats me. All i know is that when we were together, her facebook and Instagram were private. Had to request access. Now, with the new guy, its all access. Well, i fell for it and commented on how Im glad shes happy and was met with a nasty text message(shocked she had my number, I dont have hers) and then immediate blocking on Instagram. Its like she wanted me to see it.

Do you mean that she used to have FB set as 'friends' when you were together and now its 'public' so anyone can see everything on her feed?

Yep. Same with Instagram. Once I saw what I feel she wanted me to see, poof, Im blocked. Again. Weird.

[JRT]

Beats me. All i know is that when we were together, her facebook and Instagram were private. Had to request access. Now, with the new guy, its all access. Well, i fell for it and commented on how Im glad shes happy and was met with a nasty text message(shocked she had my number, I dont have hers) and then immediate blocking on Instagram. Its like she wanted me to see it.

Do you mean that she used to have FB set as 'friends' when you were together and now its 'public' so anyone can see everything on her feed?

Yep. Same with Instagram. Once I saw what I feel she wanted me to see, poof, Im blocked. Again. Weird.

I read a post here that indicated that when they do that they are testing to see if they can handle the emotion. Its a normal part of THEIR process. Mine had me blocked on her phone. On xmas even,, I tried to call and I was unblocked... .she answered and hug up when I said 'hello'... .I tired again and she re-blocked me... .then I got a call from the cops.

[confused1730]

JRT - I will ignore well that's at least what my head tells me to. I know you don't know the person in question but what makes you think she may contact more direct next time... .can they not help themselves?

[wavelife]

For my wife, she often swooped in especially when she heard I was with someone else.  I am a private person and usually kept any new relationships on the low to avoid it.  If I went out on a date with someone new and saw any of her friends I could almost set the stop watch and she we quickly be at my door to start a love bomb.  So messed up... .I need you... .I hate... .I love you... .I hate you... .oh but you can't be with anyone else.  BPD crazy making!

I know much more than I did then.   Although I am not at the point of dating yet I will be very careful as long as she is around.

[JRT]

interesting... .mine didn't, maybe I am just ugly,

I know that mine is not doing very well with the the b/u even though it is all her. But she is a very stubborn person and realizes that she has painted herself into a corner. I had my FB set as public until just about a month and a half ago. I KNOW that she was stalking me at that point and likely multiple times a day. I used to meet dates a bar that was close to my house including her. So, I would 'check in' there on FB knowing that she would realize that I was on a date. Crickets from her. I think that at this point, that she is trying to show me her resolve (or whatever).

[nowwhatz]

Mine attempts to recycle whenever she wants too. Makes no difference if I am dating some othere person.  She is one of these women who thinks she can get any guy she wants.  That may be almost true because of her looks but they won't keep her .