told him to leave

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Husband likes to accuse me of being up to something.  I purchased $17 of things for my business out of my paycheck.  I also bought him pop, stuff for dinner, paper plates, coffee, toilet paper... .stuff for the whole family.  My husband doesn't pay bills regularly, when ever he's mad at me he says he's not going to give me anything and he is going to stack his money.  All the bills are in my name even his car, which I have to make sure it stays legal (Licenced, insured).  Anyway today he started to start an argument Because I hid the business stuff I bought in my car, and  I was trying to hide it from him.  I didn't even mean to say anything, but I said "I don't care".  Big Fight.  I finally told him to leave (My house I inherited).  He said that I can't make him leave.  He scares me.  What do I do now?

[Smileypants]

Husband likes to accuse me of being up to something.  I purchased $17 of things for my business out of my paycheck.  I also bought him pop, stuff for dinner, paper plates, coffee, toilet paper... .stuff for the whole family.  My husband doesn't pay bills regularly, when ever he's mad at me he says he's not going to give me anything and he is going to stack his money.  All the bills are in my name even his car, which I have to make sure it stays legal (Licenced, insured).  Anyway today he started to start an argument Because I hid the business stuff I bought in my car, and  I was trying to hide it from him.  I didn't even mean to say anything, but I said "I don't care".  Big Fight.  I finally told him to leave (My house I inherited).  He said that I can't make him leave.  He scares me.  What do I do now?

[tjay933]

ask yourself if you just told him to leave out of frustration or if you really want him gone. do whatever you have to to keep yourself and any little ones safe. if that means you leave until he does-do that. if it means calling someone to take him out be it friend, family, police-do that. but by all means, stay safe.

[Smileypants]

I know that I am not happy.  I can't do much of anything without it being wrong.  And it's not just me.  He is constantly picking, and yelling at my kids too.  Tells me I'm a horrible mother.  My kids are having behavior problems, my oldest is depressed... .My children need me.  

I haven't felt Love in a long time and really starting NOT to care.  I feel like his stomping mat.  He doesn't think anything is wrong with him.  He was diagnosed as a teenager Along with bipolar.  I just found out from his sister about a year ago.  I read stop walking on eggshells, and he reads as a high functioning bp.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry your going through this Smileypants

It's frustrating and depressing feeling like we're not loved and a stomping mat as you say.

Your not a horrible mother, your in tune with the kids needs and have compassion.

He keeps his together in public and picks at family members mostly at home?

[Smileypants]

Yes, that's exactly what he does, not only that but he talks himself up and wants me to back his every word.  My family know about how he really is but I don't think he knows that. 

My friends are not really allowed to come over after awhile.  He will find some reason why they are bad for me, especially if they challenge him or he finds something threatening (to him) about them (like we are to close of friends), then he will accuse me of cheating on him with them.  Or if I am having a business meeting, I am automatically cheating with whoever it is, male or female.

He puts on a big front for every one else.

We can't seem to make it 15min without an issue.  And it is magnified when we are short on money.  He spends half of his paychecks on "his needs" and doesn't consistently contribute to bills or he will insist that I give $ back if he doesn't like the way I do something.  He is a little happier when I can afford to pay for Everything ( I ended up blowing through my inheritance and now my house is at risk).  But he still rants all the time about how he's the head of the household and the bread winner and he deserves RESPECT.  However I have to do a constant juggling act just to make sure the utilities don't get shut off. I ended up getting a job (I also have my own business, it's just not too profitable yet) just so I could have a some money i could actually depend on.

It is such a stressful environment, I am tired, exhausted, and I don't feel loved, and intimacy feels uncomfortable and can't really connect during it anymore (it feels like something I am required to do as a chore or upkeep if that makes sense- it hard to be intimate with someone who is treats you horribly and is so purposefully mean) Yesterday he was telling me how my face makes me so ugly and that I am sneaky and am a horrible wife then wanted to be intimate at bed time. He is all over the place and I can't enjoy any "good times" because I know the next blow up is just around the corner.

I really don't see it getting better.  Do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this? No. Should my kids have to grow up like this? No.  My youngest is the only one that is his.  he will play with her but as soon as she doesn't listen he'll start yelling at her.  He tells me I baby the kids (because I don't expect them to behave like an obedient grown adult).

Sorry for the rant, It just kinda spewd out 

[Mutt]

You've been through a lot.

Say what you feel. It helps to talk.

Respect is not having one partner in a one down and the other in a one up position.

He denigrates you and projects his emotions, actions and low self esteem issues: Yesterday he was telling me how my face makes me so ugly and that I am sneaky and am a horrible wife.

He has self esteem issues? He's sneaky?

He feels terrible about himself and doesn't trust himself or others and relationships you have with family and friends, it's hard on your self esteem when you can't maintain relationships in fear of how he's going to react.

Intimacy is not an attractive relationship she it's a one-way relationship and he expects you to fulfill his needs at the expense of yours. It must be terribly lonely for you. I'm sorry.

He's distorting that he's the bread winner she it was your inheritance and money you provide for the family. You shouldn't have to feel this way Smileypants

Your business. I'm sorry if I may be getting this wrong. He doesn't have involvement or access to this money?

How old are the kids?

I'm how all this is exhausting for you. Do you have a T? Do you have anytime for self care?

[going places]

Yes, that's exactly what he does, not only that but he talks himself up and wants me to back his every word.  My family know about how he really is but I don't think he knows that. 

It's not your responsibility to make him "see" what he is... .

My friends are not really allowed to come over after awhile.  He will find some reason why they are bad for me, especially if they challenge him or he finds something threatening (to him) about them (like we are to close of friends), then he will accuse me of cheating on him with them.  Or if I am having a business meeting, I am automatically cheating with whoever it is, male or female.

He puts on a big front for every one else.

Isolation is part of the game, and dangerous to you and your kids mental health.

Google "abuse advocate ______" (insert your city and state)

They are free, and a God-send.

Yes, I know about the "front".

Run.

We can't seem to make it 15min without an issue.  And it is magnified when we are short on money.  He spends half of his paychecks on "his needs" and doesn't consistently contribute to bills or he will insist that I give $ back if he doesn't like the way I do something.  He is a little happier when I can afford to pay for Everything ( I ended up blowing through my inheritance and now my house is at risk).  But he still rants all the time about how he's the head of the household and the bread winner and he deserves RESPECT.

YOU have proven to yourself, YOU can financially do it alone. You have for years.

Respect is earned. Period.

However I have to do a constant juggling act just to make sure the utilities don't get shut off. I ended up getting a job (I also have my own business, it's just not too profitable yet) just so I could have a some money i could actually depend on.

I would work double shifts, pick up 2nd and 3rd jobs to pay for his "fun".

My greatest fear when his mask fell off was that I would be living in a cardboard box eating cat food.

When I came out of the FOG (with the help of an abuse advocate) not only did I realize I CAN do it, I had been doing it for YEARS.

When I move, I WILL become a home owner. I WILL become a business owner.

I CAN and WILL do this!

It is such a stressful environment, I am tired, exhausted, and I don't feel loved, and intimacy feels uncomfortable and can't really connect during it anymore (it feels like something I am required to do as a chore or upkeep if that makes sense- it hard to be intimate with someone who is treats you horribly and is so purposefully mean) Yesterday he was telling me how my face makes me so ugly and that I am sneaky and am a horrible wife then wanted to be intimate at bed time. He is all over the place and I can't enjoy any "good times" because I know the next blow up is just around the corner.

I felt like his sexual dumpster. I physically vomited after he was finished with me.

I was not loved. There was no intimacy, ever.

THIS is not 'love'

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

THIS IS love.

I really don't see it getting better. 

Do I really want to spend the rest of my life like this? No.

Should my kids have to grow up like this? No. 

My youngest is the only one that is his.  he will play with her but as soon as she doesn't listen he'll start yelling at her. 

He tells me I baby the kids (because I don't expect them to behave like an obedient grown adult).

Sorry for the rant, It just kinda spewd out 

No, it will not get better, and he is damaging the children.

No, you have TOO much worth to spend your life like this.

NO, you do not want your kids subjected to this abuse, and God forbid repeat his pattern.

Run.

Find an advocate.

And run.

[Smileypants]

MUTT,

i have a lot I have a lot invested into my business but its really not making much money yet. if I had money available then I would pay as much as I could towards bills but right now it's not enough income to be profit.  I feel that because I can't pay all the bills now, he acts like I owe him for it, even though I supported the family for years when I worked a full time sales job and spent my whole inheritance paying our bills and paying for his needs and the kids needs, and paying the the mortgage on the house and all that.  I had to quit my full-time job because he couldn't handle watching our youngest and he didn't approve of the day care that I had and she was not allowed to go there.  when he watched the kids he would call me and harass me at work whenever the kids weren't doing exactly what he wanted them to do.he would text me and say "I'm never doing this s*** again".  sometimes he would say he'd watch the kids and then last minute when he'd get mad at me and say he won't watch them now.  now I don't trust him to watch the kids.  If he says he's going to watch the kids, I always make backup arrangements or take them with me.

I don't seem to have time to even do the laundry half the time, or time to see a therapist, or time to do much of anything for myself.

kids are 18, 16, 12, 8, 8 and 3. Two oldest are my stepkids, youngest is the only one that is ours. now with my kids behavior problems (they are getting sent home from school often) I would have to leave work all the time anyway and will probably not be able to keep a normal job.

he wants me to do all the jobs a housewife (keep a spotless house) plus be able to pay all the bills and give him all the attention that he requires(which is a lot) Also take excellent care of the kids HIS way (the way he thinks I should do it) and and guarantee that nothing ever happens to them (he flipped his lid if our youngest gets hurt playing).

He knows nothing of parenting,  I don't know everything but I make an effort to learn new research, listen to my kids and to look back at how my parents raised me.  His answer (which I will never allow) is beat their *** (bad word for backside).  I know that idea of parenting with violence stems from childhood, his mother broke wooden spoons over his backside.  He had no parenting and that is probably why he is the way he is.  I try to be understanding but enough is enough.  I can't help the situation. Nothing is wrong with him, Everyone else is crazy, especially me.

[Smileypants]

Thank you - Going Places

I am working towards a plan, I did have a positive meeting with my lawyer yesterday.  I found out that all of my inherited property (My house & everything that is in it that was my dad's) is safe.  He has no legal right to my inherited property.

I want  talk to someone for therapy and for help, it's just hard to find the time.  I have so much I should be doing right now instead of writing on this site. I justify it because it helps to tell someone.

Plus I get random interrogations and I have to account for where I am, what I am doing, and who I am with, how much $ I have, what did I use to pay for that, whe're did that come from... .

I am not good at making excuses for where I am, and no matter what I say, he says I'm lying.

[going places]

Thank you - Going Places

I am working towards a plan, I did have a positive meeting with my lawyer yesterday.  I found out that all of my inherited property (My house & everything that is in it that was my dad's) is safe.  He has no legal right to my inherited property.

Good! Having a plan is GOOD!

I want  talk to someone for therapy and for help, it's just hard to find the time.  I have so much I should be doing right now instead of writing on this site. I justify it because it helps to tell someone.

I cannot recommend highly and strongly enough finding an abuse advocate.

I was 'silent' for a year after the initial trauma, and it almost killed me.

ONCE I started talking, I started healing.

If it were not for the advocate, I'd probably be dead today.

Please, please find an advocate to talk too. For YOUR mental health, and for your kids.

Plus I get random interrogations and I have to account for where I am, what I am doing, and who I am with, how much $ I have, what did I use to pay for that, whe're did that come from... .

I am not good at making excuses for where I am, and no matter what I say, he says I'm lying.

Advocates are free. They are funded by the state.

It's no out of pocket cost AND they connect women with programs / local professionals in the community for free or greatly reduced services of all kinds.

Where I went? They gave free STD/AIDS testing. A local chiropractor offered his services for 25.00, including x-rays and adjustments. Financial advisors provided their services for free also. They help get women restraining orders, protective custody, emergency housing, food, assistance on bills... .

Please, seek out an advocate.

[Mutt]

Hi Smileypants,

Your not crazy. I'm glad that you have found us. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have a T.

It helps to talk to survivors and we're here 24/7 for you

going places has helpful information. Advocates are specially trained volunteers that support individuals and their needs through medical, police, court systems and check in with other professionals or make sure that you get the information that you need.

How are your family or friends for support?

[Smileypants]

My family and friends are awesome, they are there (the friends are on facebook & at work - haven't had a friend over since last summer).  My family: Mom & her husband, my Dad (from heaven), my brother & his wife are all their for me.  They just don't visit our house much.  We go out, or to their houses.

Even my BPDhusbands sister is on my side and was the first one I talked to about problems with him.  She is 15 years older than my husband.  She was the one who told me of his diagnosis.  I am so glad she did, because I was so lost.  Now at least I can call it by name and know what it's about, and hopefully free myself from it's grasp soon.

[Mutt]

It's good to hear you have a support network. It's sad to hear you're isolated.

Is it because how it may instigate a fight with your H at the mention of family / friends? Attempts to guilt you?

His sister knows about the diagnosis and sounds like she's impartial. Can family help if you were ask him to leave again?

Has she mentioned his behavior or reaction in past relationships and rejection.

If so, how did he react?

[Smileypants]

Friday, (payday) he came home being really nice, like nothing happened.  told me I could have 3/4 of his check for bills, wanted to go out to dinner... .then he spent the whole dinner "proving" to me why everything he does is justified.  And I should be greatful that he does what does. He just needed me believe what he believes?  the middle of the night the angry raging man came back.  Yelling at me for snoring, waking up the kids doing it.  Yelling at his own son(my stepson) for making to much noise and waking him up.  Later that day more yelling at the Kids, telling me how terrible I am and telling ME that MY priorities are a out of wack.  Back to 10 min good/okay 50 min bad ratio.

[Mutt]

Back to 10 min good/okay 50 min bad ratio.

That's distressing when the bad ratio is 50 .

Do you find he's nice when only he wants something?

His telling you that your priorities are out of whack is him projecting his feelings and actions. Do you know what projection is?

Case in point Smileypants with the quote below.

You have the lion's share of the responsibilities and you have Obligation and Guilt in FOG or emotional blackmail.

Who's priorities are really out of whack? He wants someone to take care of him.

MUTT,

i have a lot I have a lot invested into my business but its really not making much money yet. if I had money available then I would pay as much as I could towards bills but right now it's not enough income to be profit.  I feel that because I can't pay all the bills now, he acts like I owe him for it, even though I supported the family for years when I worked a full time sales job and spent my whole inheritance paying our bills and paying for his needs and the kids needs, and paying the the mortgage on the house and all that.  I had to quit my full-time job because he couldn't handle watching our youngest and he didn't approve of the day care that I had and she was not allowed to go there.  when he watched the kids he would call me and harass me at work whenever the kids weren't doing exactly what he wanted them to do.he would text me and say "I'm never doing this s*** again".  sometimes he would say he'd watch the kids and then last minute when he'd get mad at me and say he won't watch them now.  now I don't trust him to watch the kids.  If he says he's going to watch the kids, I always make backup arrangements or take them with me.

I don't seem to have time to even do the laundry half the time, or time to see a therapist, or time to do much of anything for myself.

kids are 18, 16, 12, 8, 8 and 3. Two oldest are my stepkids, youngest is the only one that is ours. now with my kids behavior problems (they are getting sent home from school often) I would have to leave work all the time anyway and will probably not be able to keep a normal job.

he wants me to do all the jobs a housewife (keep a spotless house) plus be able to pay all the bills and give him all the attention that he requires(which is a lot) Also take excellent care of the kids HIS way (the way he thinks I should do it) and and guarantee that nothing ever happens to them (he flipped his lid if our youngest gets hurt playing).

He knows nothing of parenting,  I don't know everything but I make an effort to learn new research, listen to my kids and to look back at how my parents raised me.  His answer (which I will never allow) is beat their *** (bad word for backside).  I know that idea of parenting with violence stems from childhood, his mother broke wooden spoons over his backside.  He had no parenting and that is probably why he is the way he is.  I try to be understanding but enough is enough.  I can't help the situation. Nothing is wrong with him, Everyone else is crazy, especially me.