Need help in severe painmy BPDbf got engaged out of blue

[Kasina]

Hello,

I am in such intense pain that I can't even breath my BPDbf broke up with me a month back and now out of nowhere he just got engaged with one of his ex and I got to know via face book.i don't want to contact him right now but I feel like bombarding him with texts and calls.

Asking him why he that'd to me?we were engaged and about to marry this summer...

Please anyone can help me out to go through this intense pain... what am I suppose to do now?

I still love him and want him back I thought it was just one of his bad mood things...


Please what should do now?how to cope up with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

It must be painful.

But you should thank G-d you didn't marry this guy! You wouldn't want this happening to you while you are married. correct?

[Kasina]

Yes... I don't want any of it but I m just devastated Idk how to cope up with this.

[Compassion14]

Hi. I'm so sorry for your pain. And this post will probably mean so much more to you in months to come, when you feel so much more grounded, WHICH YOU WILL.

But as others have implied, you are better off out of it. Three words came straight to my mind upon reading your post... .

Dodged    a     bullet.

I'm not minimising the very real pain you feel, but... .he caused this pain... .and would do it again, in a different way if you were together.

Hurt now, yes. Cry now, yes. But know you are in a vastly more optimistic place now you are free of his chaos. I speak from experience.

Hugs

C14 x

[JRT]

sorry to hear about this... .I can only imagine how much you are hurting... .I wish that there was something that I could do to make it go away now... .it will go away

From my reading here, this is classic BPD behavior. They find a replacement because they have NEED to take, not love to give and share. This is what, I am sure your will agree, was foundational to your relationship with him. Something triggered him to find a replacement... .he is love bombing her and she is likely doing it back... .the marriage proposal is a result of the inferno... .think about what will happen when they come to their senses; when the rigors of marriage and day to day life set in. That love bombing will long be in the rear view mirror and is likely to be replaced by his raging or indifference. What he gives back is not love and it is almost a foregone conclusion that she will recognize this and the affair will short circuit.

What do we say about anyone that rushes into a marriage? Even if they had known them in the past? What do we say about people that jump from one relationship into another? The answer is that it is unhealthy behavior and such liaisons have a high probability of failure.  

In the short term, PLEASE do something that will give you comfort and help you regain control. Jogging helps me in this way. Reading this forum is another that has been very helpful. Also, stay off of FB or unfriend him and anyone that is connected to him.

I know you love him... .I still love mine... .errr, I think. Or, maybe I just loved the relationship. You will need to make these decisions for yourself and come to terms with what you want to do with your heart and mind. I know that it profoundly hurts to even consider not continuing without him but you will need to answer some very difficult questions of yourself along the way. All of here have had to do the same thing and it has been a challenge.

You came to the right place as there are resources and people that will help you along the way and support you with whatever course you wish to take; you are in very good hands among people that KNOW what is going on and empathize with your hurt and situation.

The hurt will pass... .I promise.  

[misuniadziubek]

Hello,

I am in such intense pain that I can't even breath my BPDbf broke up with me a month back and now out of nowhere he just got engaged with one of his ex and I got to know via face book.i don't want to contact him right now but I feel like bombarding him with texts and calls.

Asking him why he that'd to me?we were engaged and about to marry this summer...

Please anyone can help me out to go through this intense pain... what am I suppose to do now?

I still love him and want him back I thought it was just one of his bad mood things...


Please what should do now?how to cope up with this?

I'm guessing the breakup itself was pretty devastating.

How long were you guys together?

Did he give any reason to why he was breaking things off?

Truth is, nothing really happens out of the blue, even with a pwBPD. He must have been preparing for this for a while, but never admitted to it. It's like putting a pot of water on a stove without realizing you inadvertently turned it on and by the time you realize what's happened, all the water has boiled out.

The fact that he's gotten engaged so quickly? He probably reconnected with the ex and convinced himself they are a better replacement for you. Depending on how recent this ex is, he might have fallen straight back into the idealization phase and used you as a scapegoat for bad relationships. You know how crazy passionate a BPD is in the first moments of any relationships.

Truth is, what would asking why contribute to your state of unrest. What words could he say that would actually give you closure? Going back to this relationship is a dead end and unlikely now. How does that make you feel?

He moved on even quicker by finding someone else.

My best bet, if things are really difficult for you right now, sit down at your desk. Take out a few piece of paper and a pen and just start writing freely. All the things you feel. All the hurt. Anything you'd like to say. Set a timer for 15-20 minutes and write whatever comes to mind.

Dont send it though. Put it away. Read it over after a couple days. See if your feelings have settled a bit. It's good for you and your body to just get it all out.

You'll get through this eventually. This hurts and it's okay. Accept it will hurt for a while but be kind to yourself.

[Kasina]

Hey everyone thankyou for the replies it doesn't end the pain but it does feel better to have support .

Thankyou misuniadziubek for all the questions that you have asked it helps me think about a few things that probably give me closure.we were in relationship for more than two years now and it's not the first time that he has done this with me.

I have been through it before he got engaged and trust me when I say it it was literally out if blue... one day we were hanging out and the next day I get to find out by his cousin that he's engaged and when I confronted him he said his father fixed it and he will try and break it off.i didn't know about BPD that well them so I believed him even though done felt off.

Anyways fast fwd 3 months he broke up with her to and reconnected with me and I took him back.(we were friends while he was engaged ).

After that things went well but there were few signs that something was off but then everything changed,it felt like he changed.our relationship improved we started to connect and got really close that's when he proposed me and I said yes.

After two months if engagement he started to acting off.he told me that an old ex has contacted him and is in need of help.i asked him politely validating that he should keep his distance from her but he was feeling very bad as ahe was hospitalized and was in pain.

He said he was feeling in the verge of a nervous breakdown because he said he was feeling responsible for her misery... I tried to sooth him and after a few days time he was ok.

Afterwards he confessed that he was dysregulated and a different state of mind I tried to give him space but even then he was loving and affectionate and we were really good.

Then I got a little caught up in chores my sisters wedding where my brother in laws best men was my ex.i never neglecting him for a bit but I realized that it caused a trigger inside him and he started to act really clingy... I didn't panicked or pushe him away instead I tried to be loving and all.

Things were ok when all of sudden he started to pull away from me and while that period I had to go out if town for two days to which I felt that he did feel abandoned but never admitted it to me ... I felt it and stayed 24/7 in contact with him to avoid any abandonment issues.

But all un vain,just after a week if silence after me getting back to town he broke up telling me that I m better off without him and he needs to be alone.hebsaud he can't make me happy as he's pathetic so he needs to suffer alone.

I tried to validate him and tried to communicate but he just won't listen the very next day he deleated me from fb ... I tried giving him space by letting him know I wasn't  leaving .

Apogized profusely ... but nothing changed...

Then one day he again communicated with me telling me to respond to my proposals and try to settle and if I fail to settle with anyone else he will accept me if no one else did...

He said that he's pathetic secluded and ducked up while I am pretty and social .i have for so many options.when I pressed that I still wanted to he with him he said 'you just can't now'.

All rhe time I felt that it was all due to intimacy issue and probably he felt rejected and abandoned so I tried to make up to him but now finding out that he's getting engaged to this ex of his(he was with her for 5 months only)I know all about it and he wasn't really in to her even while he was dating her.i know all about it because it was before we were in a relationship and were just friends .

So what happened now?he has been engaged thrice before me and disnt married any of them cause they were all short impulsive flings ...

I really love him and so does he,it's been almost 2 and half year if us being together .is there anything I can do?i want him back I can't picture my life without him.

Can you please give any idea what caused it?

Will he be back?

[Heldfast]

From the sound of this, go ahead and cry for yourself, and then you may feel like crying for her as well. You know that this is not going to be an easy life for her.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kasina,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how tough this must be for you. 

He has been engaged thrice before me and didn't married any of them cause they were all short impulsive flings ...

Although I cannot predict the future and guarantee that he will come back, but past behavior can predict future behavior. This is especially true when there is a history of similar behavior. 

With that being said, take a moment to re-read what you wrote.  Hypothetically, if your pwBPD does return to you, there could a very large probability that this would happen again. Is this something that you could endure again?  Is this something that you would want?

[Kasina]

Hello eaglesjuju,

Thankyou for the reply and I am glad that you are here.you have been very supportive throughout and whatever you say always hits home with me.

Thankyou again   it's nice to hear your point if view.

I know this is the end of it,I can't take it anymore.this was the last straw .i have endured too much pain.forgived him and peace when I should have left him and should have stood up for myself.

It's just  i really feel love for him.i have always loved him long before we were in relationship when we were just acquaintance I just didn't knew it then.

I have invested too much of me in this relationship .it has taken tool over my health and I have made alot of sacrifices.

Today I really wanted to let him go but I couldn't so instead I begged him to block me from his phone and whatsapp so that I would stop texting and calling him but he won't do it even though when he's online he isn't following this simple wish that I have...

I just feel so broken and devastated.hopefully I will feel tomorrow.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated,I don't want him to be out of my life but again I don't want any if this fortune either... :'(

[hope2727]

I am so sorry. That is excruciating. I am waiting for that same news about mine. At least I am far enough out I won't be to hurt. At I month I would have been immobilized. Please take good care of yourself.Be gentle with your soul. Be kind to yourself.     

As for understanding it... .you can't. You can't make logic out of a illogical brain. 

Hugs and love to you in this difficult time.   

[Kasina]

Thankyou for the kindness and support I really appreciate and need it.i am trying my best to take care of myself as I was already expecting it but it doesn't make much difference.

[Rapt Reader]

Kasina, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through 

It's going to be difficult for a while, and sometimes your heart will feel literally torn into pieces, but come here and let us help you deal with it... .

Sometimes these kinds of things make us stronger and wiser, and in the end we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish that for you, Kasina (I'm sending you an  to help, too)... .

[Kasina]

Hello rapt,

It's nice to hear from you,thankyou for sending the angel to me in these times of distress.  .it was much needed.

I hope I see the light at the end of tunnel,even though I feel all drained and broken right now but thanks to you and everyone in the board who have supported and gave me this hope that this shall to pass.

Thankyou.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I really feel for you. I am really sorry for your pain and I know it's overwhelming right now and it feels like the world is ending for you. However, I see so many red flags in your posts! I really want to tell you to run as far away from him as possible. I agree with others - you dodged a bullet! He has done it to you before, he would do it again.

I was married to a BPD man for 10 years and we would break up and get back together several times. Every time I thought he finally matured, saw his mistakes and would change. They do not change. I was in this endless circle that I had really hard time breaking. I still love him too. I know deep down he is a good guy. But I can't live on a rollercoaster. Believe me, it sucks your all positive energy out of you. Hang in there, give it time, grieve properly, do some journalling. And most importantly read as much as possible about the disorder and it will allow you to have the necessary knowledge to decide whether you are really willing to live with a BPD person and work really hard to make it work. Hugs! It will get better, I promise.

[EaglesJuju]

I have invested too much of me in this relationship .it has taken tool over my health and I have made alot of sacrifices.

Today I really wanted to let him go but I couldn't so instead I begged him to block me from his phone and whatsapp so that I would stop texting and calling him but he won't do it even though when he's online he isn't following this simple wish that I have...

I just feel so broken and devastated.hopefully I will feel tomorrow.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated,I don't want him to be out of my life but again I don't want any if this fortune either... :'(

How are you doing today?

I know how you feel broken and devastated.   It is understandable to feel like that when you have invested so much of yourself in a relationship.

The best advice to give you is to focus on yourself. Take another look at what you wrote and what I bolded.  Do you think these things would beneficial to start focusing on?

[ColdEthyl]

Kasina... .  

I'm sorry you are hurting, hunny. I know it feels so intense. The anger, the confusion, the hurt... .ugh. Heartbreak is the worst  Try to take this time to think about what you want and work on YOU. If he comes back later and that's what you want... .you will be stronger for it. You might surprise yourself and realize... .you don't really want that r/s after all.

This pain will consume you for awhile, but time WILL take the sting out... .day by day. Stay strong sweety and come here for encouragement and fellowship! <3

[Kasina]

Hey newlifeBPDfree,

Thankyou for your support and understanding .

I am still in pain but better than yesterday.i have been thinking about what roller coaster relationship I have been through... I don't want any of it.

Looking back now it feels that if he was doing it on purpose inflicting pain upon me which I was neglecting wondering that it was BPD.

I have decided to go NC with him .its one of the thing when you put the BPD aside and think about what type of person he is... he is a vile person .

Maybe it's the grief talking ... anyhow I just need to get away from him as far as possible.

Hope I stay strong now that I have hope thabks to the support from people on this board 

[Kasina]

Hello Eaglesjuju,

It good to hear from you.

I am better then yesterday and its because of the support and understanding I have got from the people on this board .as soon as I start getting depressed or hurting I come here and things get a lot better to deal with.

I have decided to go NC with him,I have made promise to myself that I don't want this person in my life.i won't think about what he wants or is upto t.its about what I want and as much love I feel for him.he is not right for me I don't want any of this pain in my life.

Thankyou for mentioning what mistakes I m making.thankou for the directions and insight .

[Kasina]

Hello cold ethyl ,

Thankyou for reading my post and taking time to comment over it and help me through this pain and confusion.

I am better then yesterday and trying my best to focus in myself even though its really hard not to think about how this relationship have caused you to suffer and go through intense pain all to end leaving you devastating but as I come here on Baird and talk to everyone I feel much better to know that I m understood and I m not alone there are wonderful ppl here who understand this hurt that Img through because of mybf with BPD.

I have decided to go NC with him,I have blocked him from all the social sites and even though I m really confused about where to go from here ... I feel confused but hopefully I will figure sth out.

It's really hard not to think about what if's... .like if he comes back or wants me back but the good think I find my self very reluctant to taking him back rven though i still feel love for him because of the pain that I have endured because of him(which sometime feels deliberate).

Which helps me gain strength and stay positive.

Thankyou once again I feel everyone here on boards is family.❤❤

[Kasina]

Sorry for the typo error it's my stupid iPhone autocorrect.

[JRT]

Hang in there!