How do you hang in there while trying to leave?

[BlueSunshine]

Wanting to leave and having the ability to don't always come so easy. Especially if our BPD partners are the only ones who work (and may or may not have kept steady employment). How do you hang on, while waiting to get out?

... .

I'm trying to keep what is left of my sanity until I can. I've written about it in a lot of detail before. I am disabled and have severe social issues. I am two shakes away from being a total hermit and just can't talk to people.  It is even uncomfortable sometimes for me to post here. I'm in really bad shape.

I feel like a hostage.

The other day he took me for groceries. I can't go alone anymore. I can't talk to strangers at all. I don't even look up at anyone. We got in the vehicle, he pulled out onto the street and remembered he forgot something, so he put the car in park, took out the ignition key, and got out to go back inside. There was plenty of spaces to park. A car was driving up the block. I started having an anxiety attack and I remember saying things like "What are you doing? Don't leave the car here you're blocking the road!". Of course he didn't care at all.  He never cares about consequences unless it gives him some benefit.

When he came back he wasn't even phased (of course not). It was maybe a minute, he said. I was so disturbed then I couldn't go into a store, my social issues were heightened due to the anxiety.

Every day he picks fights with me, over nothing, and does strange things like that. This past year he has this thing where he doesn't even hear me when I speak, or makes me repeat things constantly, and then "forgets". If I don't answer him in a matter of seconds though he starts screaming at me. That's just... .some of it. As I know you will understand.

He hasn't worked in months, too. It's taking such a major toll. I'm not able to make all the bills and he takes my money and spends it excessively on fancy coffees and take-out. He drove my car into the ground and just today texted me to say it was overheating and he broke down.

I've got two local friends that I see a few times a year, neither in a position to lend a hand. My only outlet was doing take home art projects for a local theater, sets/props/artwork/costumes, and on the last job he pushed me so much and caused such trauma, I backed out and went into a kind of shut down.

I used to be so strong, so independent. If someone was cruel to me I walked away. I didn't even realize what was happening with him until it was too late and though I know this is not my fault, I feel like I should have known better to prevent this awful situation I am in. Let's face it, it is all on me to save me now. I don't have anyone to lean on. I have nowhere to go. I also have 2 children who need me and I am barely existing. I just... .messed up (my life) so bad.



Anywhoo... .

If you are stuck, like me, and waiting for the slimmest chance to get out... .what do you do to keep your head? I feel like I am loosing mine. I am fearful I am going to loose myself utterly.

[tjay933]

do you like animals? birds perhaps? have some stale bread crumbs you would like to share with them in the back yard? do you like knitting? perhaps the library to read? if none of that helps, close your eyes and build your dream world. start with the foundation of your dream house. add your dream pets. only add the people you want in your life. when he starts on at you, close your eyes and go to your dream world. got me through lots of tough times. i'd lend you mine but i know i haven't cleaned the bathroom lately.  but do remember that in the real world, only you can change your conditions. so if you want out, start with a plan and work at it one step at a time. also, for anxiety, bach's rescue remedy is awesome. try some today at your local health food store or online market(you don't have to leave home to get it). remember it's homeopathic so don't take with food about 15 min before or after. keep writing, it's very therapeutic and i'd love to hear more from you so don't be a stranger. maybe i can visit your dream house someday? have a cuppa home-grown tea?