After Months of No Contact, Would You Ever Reach Out To Them Again?

[Jmanster]

Hey guys, so I am approaching almost 3 months of NC with my exBPD. I initiated the NC. My question is, did any of you try reaching out to them again after a certain period of time? If so, why? What did you say? Thank you

[Infern0]

No I wouldn't advise it.

You are opening yourself up to be hurt.  If they reach out to you then it's different and maybe consider it because they will be more cooperative.

[mitchell16]

No, I havent spoken to mine since august. She has sent texts, calls emails etc... but I havent responded. part of it is that I know she will only cause me grief and pain and I know longer want any of her crap or drama in my life. but also part of it is because I won, I was the one who told her never to contact me again and i ended it on my terms not hers. She always dictated when we broke up, when we made up, when we spoke etc... .This time I felt like i took my power back and she never thought I could do that. So in my mind why give it back to her? This may sound silly and childish but some how it help give me my pride back.

[Mutt]

What are you thinking about Jmanster?

90 days I was raw.

[JPH]

No, I havent spoken to mine since august. She has sent texts, calls emails etc... but I havent responded. part of it is that I know she will only cause me grief and pain and I know longer want any of her crap or drama in my life. but also part of it is because I won, I was the one who told her never to contact me again and i ended it on my terms not hers. She always dictated when we broke up, when we made up, when we spoke etc... .This time I felt like i took my power back and she never thought I could do that. So in my mind why give it back to her? This may sound silly and childish but some how it help give me my pride back.

It's actually a lot more realistic than silly or childish. Good for you - you have to end it. Most of them never will never stop playing the game.

[JRT]

I tried to call mine after 3 months on Xmas eve. She hung up- after I said 'hello'. An hour later, I got a call from the police threatening that if I called her again, they would issue a PPO against me.

I would very much welcome a call from her even though I have decided that a r/s with her would be impossible. I even sense that she wishes that I would call her first, but I would not risk any potential legal problems. Its just not worth it.

In your case, things are still a bit too fresh.

[Jmanster]

What are you thinking about Jmanster?

90 days I was raw.

What do you mean you were raw?

[JRT]

What are you thinking about Jmanster?

90 days I was raw.

What do you mean you were raw?

Still smarting... .hurt... .not fully in control of emotions

[Jmanster]

Ahh I see, but Mutt's situation is different... .Kids are involved and he had a longer relationship... .so I guess for me I am able to start dating again after 90 days.

[JRT]

Maybe yes and maybe no. Everyone is different and each r/s is unique. You might be ready right no or not; only you can answer that.

[Reecer1588]

Going on 45 days now for me. Been threatened with legal charges if I try and contact her. So with a firm certainty- NO. Would I like her to call/text me? Tell me how she's feeling? OF COURSE!

But I ain't risking my life on this woman, and I firmly believe that if I contact her she would embroil me back into hell, and it could kill me.

[misty_red]

Under the circumstances given now a big NO. I even sent her a goodbye letter and I meant it. I still think of her sometimes, still would like to have a friendhsip with her, but that's the small part of me which needs to heal still, the rest of me knows that it's pointless. That said I don't even know how I could reach out to her again. I wouldn't know what to say. Everything I had to say I did in my letter (it wasn't nasty, I actually apologized for many things), I made sure of that so I would never have a reason to reach out to her again. I just really don't know what to say to her anymore. There's no point. I'm speechless literally.

[downwhim]

I reached out after about 3 1/2 months. I did not like his cold, distant response. I thought he may have hacked into my computer. I did write him a closure letter and never sent it. At 5 months out now. I feel he is a distant memory and a bad one at that. Still need to work through some stuff too.

I personally was not ready to date at 3 months out but you may be.

[Deeno02]

My thoughts? Dumped after a 16 month r/s. Replaced within a week. About 2 and a half months in no contact, her instagram account suddenly became public. Whole time together it was private. Anyway, Like a moron, I clicked on it. Saw a picture of her and the new guy all happy. She genuinely looked happy. I know, I know you cant believe everything on social media and they were still honeymoon period. I broke NC and stated that I was glad she was happy and goodbye. Shouldnt have done it, regret it still to this day. I recieved a cold, curt response accusing me of being passive agressive, delete this immediately, you got something to say, say it to me, dont ever post on my thread again, and frankly, I was shocked she still had my number as I didnt have hers. I responded nicely, simply saying that nothing was meant by it and that I was truly glad she was happy, and to take care. I then went in and blocked her number. I made a mistake. I thought in some part of my mind I was dealing with an adult and would have gotten back a "Thanks, you too", or "sorry things didnt work", you know, like normal people do. I was wrong. I had no idea what I was dealing with as I was only a couple months into the b/u. So, to answer your question, I would never, ever reach out to her ever again. As she coaches my sons volleyball team, we had the parent meeting the other day. First time in 7 months I had been around her or for that matter, seen her. I walked in looking confident, I was my usual goofy outgoing self with the other parents and walked up to the table where all the coaches were(she being one of them) said a hearty good evening to them all at the same time, grabbed my handouts and marched on. I was prepared if she had said anything. I was going to keep it short and professional. Like business. She was nervous looking and no eye contact. I made it through. No fight or flight response, no sadness, a little contempt, but otherwise, It went well and Im confident in that Im getting so much better!

[going places]

I "had" to communicate w/ my ex because we were selling the house... .

It's gone.

I am leaving at the end of July to move to Florida (in IN now).

My goal is to not see his face, ever again.

I have NO desire whatsoever to be abused, so I have no desire to communicate w/ him.

[LimboFL]

My sentiments exactly Mitchell. I did the very same thing. I put myself in a position to be lied to again and I told her to please never contact me again. After years of being minimized and shut down by her, where she controlled the shots, I ensured that I had the last word.

There is nothing childish about it. After all we lived in this world and felt abused and taken advantage of, in my case, for four years. She love bombs me, during a short recycle, then pulls away and I catch her in a lie, about the replacement.

None of deserve this treatment. I don't want to know what she is doing or how she is. She doesn't deserve my friendship or anything else.

I will always love her but she doesn't deserve me or my interest in her.

[Mutt]

Ahh I see, but Mutt's situation is different... .Kids are involved and he had a longer relationship... .so I guess for me I am able to start dating again after 90 days.

Your moving on.

Ready to reach out to ex?

[JPH]

Going on 45 days now for me. Been threatened with legal charges if I try and contact her. So with a firm certainty- NO. Would I like her to call/text me? Tell me how she's feeling? OF COURSE!

But I ain't risking my life on this woman, and I firmly believe that if I contact her she would embroil me back into hell, and it could kill me.

You've come a long way in a short period of time. Keep up the good work. Happiness and better days are ahead for you.

[downwhim]

Going places,

I too no longer want to be abused. We deserve a better life! I have said the same things to friends of mine, "I do not ever want to see his face again."

When someone abuses you and you mix it in with love and all is constantly changing and chaotic, it is hard to keep moving forward and hold on to your sanity.

I too am moving in 2 1/2 months out of his backyard to a different city.

Hang in there!

[apollotech]

Jmanster,

I had thought about reaching out to my BPDexgf as our friendship goes all the way back to childhood. She played a very significant role in my life at one time (pre-romantic relationship), and it was a good role; I have many fond memories of us from those times. When we became romantically involved, many years later, is when everything soured. (The many years later that I am referring to is within the past 2 years.)

But, the further that I move away from her and our failed romantic relationship (I terminated the relationship in early February and have since observed strict NC on my end.) the more it dawns on me that any contact with her would just be unfulfilling for me, and probably for her as well. We could never be romantically involved again. More importantly, as she is now (untreated), I could/would never consider her a friend again as she destroyed the trust that I had for/of her.

So, even if I contacted her and she was receptive, what would we be?  What would our present and future attachment/connection be? I would become a liar, a fake. I would be maintaining with her a false relationship of some kind built upon long distant memories. Looking at it rationally, there would be no place for us to go; the relationship simply couldn't grow/evolve.

Before making any moves to reestablish contact in the hopes of any kind of a relationship, I urge you to closely examine what said relationship would be. What would each person's role be within the relationship? How could/would the relationship be allowed to grow/evolve, if even possible? Trust is bedrock; if bedrock (trust) cannot be found (established) the building site (relationship's foundation) is deemed unsuitable (unworthy) for (of) further consideration; there is simply nothing to build upon.

[Deeno02]

To add on to my post... .She's someone elses problem now

[Jmanster]

Jmanster,

I had thought about reaching out to my BPDexgf as our friendship goes all the way back to childhood. She played a very significant role in my life at one time (pre-romantic relationship), and it was a good role; I have many fond memories of us from those times. When we became romantically involved, many years later, is when everything soured. (The many years later that I am referring to is within the past 2 years.)

But, the further that I move away from her and our failed romantic relationship (I terminated the relationship in early February and have since observed strict NC on my end.) the more it dawns on me that any contact with her would just be unfulfilling for me, and probably for her as well. We could never be romantically involved again. More importantly, as she is now (untreated), I could/would never consider her a friend again as she destroyed the trust that I had for/of her.

So, even if I contacted her and she was receptive, what would we be?  What would our present and future attachment/connection be? I would become a liar, a fake. I would be maintaining with her a false relationship of some kind built upon long distant memories. Looking at it rationally, there would be no place for us to go; the relationship simply couldn't grow/evolve.

Before making any moves to reestablish contact in the hopes of any kind of a relationship, I urge you to closely examine what said relationship would be. What would each person's role be within the relationship? How could/would the relationship be allowed to grow/evolve, if even possible? Trust is bedrock; if bedrock (trust) cannot be found (established) the building site (relationship's foundation) is deemed unsuitable (unworthy) for (of) further consideration; there is simply nothing to build upon.

This is an excellent response. Thank you

[Jmanster]

Ahh I see, but Mutt's situation is different... .Kids are involved and he had a longer relationship... .so I guess for me I am able to start dating again after 90 days.

Your moving on.

Ready to reach out to ex?

After reading all of your responses, it does not look like a good idea for me to reach out... .Why would I? I still don't trust her... .The only way I could ever trust her again would be if she admits that she has a serious problem (which she did once when she was drunk) and seek therapy. If someone is sick they must seek help, we are all put on this earth to someway serve each other... .That is what borderlines can't process... .They think that no one can fulfill them and that is absolutely BS. Too bad, I thought she was going to be the one for me

[hope2727]

I've tried. It hurt me. Its not worth it.

In reality I had to ask myself what do I consider a friend? Someone who is honest with me, respects me, cares about my feelings, I can trust. So if I contact him and everything goes perfectly I might have him as a friend. But would he meet those criteria? Nope. So whats the point.

Besides I have found that sticking my neck out just gets me emotionally kicked in the face. I have to find a way to live with letting it go. If I figure out how to do that I'll let you know.

[zeus123]

if you try to break NO CONTACT(the only weapon for us "non" and attempt to reach out to your BPDEX after a period of time and in the rare event you've actually try to accomplish any sort of friendly exchange that approximates closure and feels gratifying or wholesome, it reactivates intense longing that took you months or years to get over last time! all of a sudden, you're going through that horrendous WITHDRAWAL again--and wishing you'd never reached out. you're texting--and she's silent. THE PAIN IS BACK...

[stntylr]

My ex had a friend pass a message that if I ever contacted her again she would call the police. So you what, I'm not ever contacting her again.

[Reecer1588]

My ex had a friend pass a message that if I ever contacted her again she would call the police. So you what, I'm not ever contacting her again.

Police threats really hit the message home not to contact them, eh? 

I got the same threat.

Hope you're doing well man.