Adult child of Mother with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

Wow this is a significant moment. I have felt isolated,confused and broken hearted by my Mothers behaviour since I was a child. I am now 47 and had a falling out with my mum a couple of weeks ago. I cannot stop thinking about it, about her about the past. I always knew she was "crazy" but the emotional hold is like an unbroken umbilical cord. I am the youngest of three girls. My eldest sister will never speak to my mum again and the middle one is the golden girl who will not admit there is anything wrong.

I had heard in recent years that she was diagnosed BPD when I was young. I thought this was made up, having been indoctrinated by my mum that she is the victim. So just a week ago I googled BPD and my mind was blown away by the fact that there was anyone, let alone hundreds who have experienced similar mothers.

All I ever wanted was validation and although I haven't got it from mum which is who I still want it from I got it in heaps from all of you out there. I am reeling and feeling dizzy trying to digest the enormity of it all.

In brief my mum raged, out of control regularly. She threatened suicide, attempted suicide, was nasty, evil, unremorseful, needy, glamorous, intelligent, high social functioning and made my life and my sisters hell. My Dad was a transsexual and is now a woman.

Mum has improved greatly in the last 15 years but I am left with memories that she will never admit happened.

When we fell out two weeks ago, I followed her outside and said "let me tell you about my childhood< you said you were going to kill yourself and asked if I wanted to come with you" She looked at me and said "you must be imagining things"

Is it that she can't remember, has made false memories or that it is too painful to admit.

Any advice about where I go from here would be appreciated.

Its good to know I am not alone.

xx

I love and hate my mum. I want to have a relationship but wonder if I should. I am desperate to get resolution and closure but don't know what to do.

[bluebellgirl]

Hello,

Wow this is a significant moment. I have felt isolated,confused and broken hearted by my Mothers behaviour since I was a child. I am now 47 and had a falling out with my mum a couple of weeks ago. I cannot stop thinking about it, about her about the past. I always knew she was "crazy" but the emotional hold is like an unbroken umbilical cord. I am the youngest of three girls. My eldest sister will never speak to my mum again and the middle one is the golden girl who will not admit there is anything wrong.

I had heard in recent years that she was diagnosed BPD when I was young. I thought this was made up, having been indoctrinated by my mum that she is the victim. So just a week ago I googled BPD and my mind was blown away by the fact that there was anyone, let alone hundreds who have experienced similar mothers.

All I ever wanted was validation and although I haven't got it from mum which is who I still want it from I got it in heaps from all of you out there. I am reeling and feeling dizzy trying to digest the enormity of it all.

In brief my mum raged, out of control regularly. She threatened suicide, attempted suicide, was nasty, evil, unremorseful, needy, glamorous, intelligent, high social functioning and made my life and my sisters hell. My Dad was a transsexual and is now a woman.

Mum has improved greatly in the last 15 years but I am left with memories that she will never admit happened.

When we fell out two weeks ago, I followed her outside and said "let me tell you about my childhood< you said you were going to kill yourself and asked if I wanted to come with you" She looked at me and said "you must be imagining things"

Is it that she can't remember, has made false memories or that it is too painful to admit.

Any advice about where I go from here would be appreciated.

Its good to know I am not alone.

xx

I love and hate my mum. I want to have a relationship but wonder if I should. I am desperate to get resolution and closure but don't know what to do.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, bluebellgirl &

I'm so sorry for the turmoil and pain you have gone through with your Mom, and I know that so many of the members of this site are nodding their heads and saying "I went through that, too!" as they are reading your story. You are in the right place to learn how to move through your pain, and how to learn more about dealing with your Mom. You are among fellow travelers 

Any advice about where I go from here would be appreciated.

... .

I love and hate my mum. I want to have a relationship but wonder if I should. I am desperate to get resolution and closure but don't know what to do.

If you haven't checked out every link to the right-hand side of this page, that would be a great place to start. Every single link takes you to educational and helpful information that can help you get to where you are wanting to go with understanding your Mom, figuring out how to have a relationship with her if possible, and finding the resolution and closure you are looking for.

A helpful Article for you to read is here: Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children. We also have several Feature Articles at the links under the 4 photos at the top of the Coping Board's thread listing page (you can also get to the links here: Feature Articles). I highly recommend each one of them, and this one especially: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Here's an excerpt that I think is relevant to what you have been going through:

In their 1997 book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, authors Susan Forward, Ph.D. and Donna Frazier state that "emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance."  According to Forward and Frazier, fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG" are the tools of emotional manipulators.

"Emotional Blackmail" and "FOG", terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, Ph.D., are about controlling relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.



When you have the chance to read the whole thing, I think you will find it very enlightening and helpful... .

When we fell out two weeks ago, I followed her outside and said "let me tell you about my childhood< you said you were going to kill yourself and asked if I wanted to come with you" She looked at me and said "you must be imagining things"

Is it that she can't remember, has made false memories or that it is too painful to admit.

I'm so very sorry that you had experience that as a child, bluebellgirl    I can't imagine how that would feel, and it must've been terrible, frightening and life-changing (in a negative way  ). I'm pretty sure that your deduction of her not remembering, having false memories and finding what you told her to be too painful to admit is correct. And very invalidating for you, in the process... .I've very sorry that you are dealing with this.

I'm curious if you Mom has ever been in Therapy? If BPD had been mentioned when you were young, was there an actual diagnosis? Did she ever get any help for it? Have you, yourself, ever seen someone to help you with your past? Do you have a Counselor? If not, have you ever considered finding one? I can tell you that many of the members of this site have been to counseling (myself included   ), and have found it very helpful.

Please tell us more of your story, and continue reading all you can on this site. We want to help, bluebellgirl... .

[bluebellgirl]

Hello Rapt Reader,

This is somewhat mind blowing. Having a response so quickly and being validated is a bit surreal. Thank you. I live in the uk and the time is now 23:05. All this emotion is making me extra tired. I will gladly tell you more of my story tomorrow. I will read the links and articles you have suggested and thank you for the suggestions. I wish you a peaceful night and look forward to being part of this new family. Love and support is what families should be about after all.

xxx