TODAY It finally sank in... I truly cannot help an illusion anymore.

[Nevergiveuponhope]

My ex/u/NPD/BF has shown me today via text messages how, after 5 years... he really is blind to his illness, his past childhood trauma issues that have taken him into this controlling narcissist he has shown me to be. (they were so vile and full of nastiness) !

I stayed after the 1st unjust accusation, just 3 months into the relationship! that MOST would have walked there and then on,,(as it was a MAJOR !... ) but I thought (I guess as we all do) I could help him to understand and see that his paranoid way of thinking was a result of his hurt issues he carries from his childhood trauma... !

It really doesn't work this way!... .I am in counselling and it is hard to be told, you will not be heard as i've loved 'an illusion' who can see no wrong-doing in themselves! they are perfect in their world... .

But as soon as I pointed out issues to him that we needed to address... he started to do the text book twist it around blame it all towards me!... .the insults, the name calling, it is so unbelievably hurtful to hear from a person you actually fell in love with!... you are left in utter shock mode! of what the hell was the last 5 years about?     its cruel how they can just discard so coldly.

when these people turn on you,,no matter how much they said they loved you,,it will be an attack of rage, of hatred! lies!... to try to discredit you...   I found this very hard to deal with, as I really fell in love with him (this illusion, as they say)! ... im left in a devastated mess! dead inside wondering how the hell do you go forward from this?

I know I have to go NC now... as hard as it is with my feelings as they are... but I need to for my own fragility and sanity... .it has stunned my world!... .how did you guys move forward from this? How the hell do you cope? ... .i'm struggling ... .numb and heartbroken!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Nevergiveuponhope &

I'm am so sorry for your break-up, and the trauma it is causing you... .A five-year relationship is not gotten over easily, and when you can't wrap your mind over the reasons for its demise, it can really cause so much pain and heartbreak. I really am sorry for your pain 

I see that you've been posting on the Undecided and Leaving Boards, trying to figure out how to get a handle on this break-up, and to figure out how to feel better... .You say that both of you grew up with traumatic childhoods, and you believe that those traumas caused problems in your relationship. Do you think that your Mom (who you've said was not maternal towards you) could have had BPD or some sort of Personality Disorder?

I can see what drew you to this Board: You are wanting to Heal and to learn how to Cope with the pain you are in... .Considering that your childhood was difficult and traumatic for you, I'm wondering if you would check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? The Lessons and the Survivors Guide would be important for you to read. Also, I would suggest that you check out this link, too:

Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

If you haven't read the Article below, yet, I do believe it will give you insights and help with this break-up:

Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

I know you are suffering terribly right now, Nevergiveuponhope, and are having a difficult time making peace with your childhood, and recent break-up trauma... .Please have a cup of something warm and lovely (tea? Capuccino? Wine?   ), and find a quiet spot to read all you can to get some comfort and insights into what is happening to you and how you are feeling. I truly recommend that you check out every link to the right-hand side of this page, and all of the other links I gave you. We really want to help 

[Nevergiveuponhope]

Hello, Nevergiveuponhope &

Do you think that your Mom (who you've said was not maternal towards you) could have had BPD or some sort of Personality Disorder?

Thank you for your reply Rapt Reader. I really am not sure about my mum, but I do believe their are traits of either BPD or similar... .that was hard enough to deal with ... so this is unbearable tbh!...

I have been reading up and gaining insight into these conditions as I think when you are going through this ,,I feel we go into automatic mode to search for answers because we are so traumatized and in almost disbelief of it all... .

Thank you for your advice, I certainly will look and read over these pages.  

[hope2727]

If it is any comfort at all my exfiancee wBPD told me... .  "You fell in love with a man who doesn't exist. I was just trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be." He could be quite insightful at times. So yes we fell in love with people who were an illusion. And we cannot help them.

At least I take a small degree of comfort in the idea that he was reflecting me. And I really liked who I fell in love with so if it was a reflection of me then I must be a pretty wonderful person. Because I felt he was a pretty wonderful person. I still in truth believe thats who he wanted to and perhaps even still wants to be. Maybe, just maybe someday he will find his way to be that person for himself instead of as a reflection of someone else.

So yes we fell in love with an illusion. And we cannot help that illusion. It wasn't real. It isn't real. It isn't our journey. Its theirs. We were just a tiny part.

Did you ever have a teacher or coach who made a difference? I had a few of them. Their words, or passion for science or kindness left a mark on who I am. I still hear their words. They were people I reflected small parts of as I grew up and found my sense of self. We were like these people for our ex's. We were someone they reflected as they journey towards finding a sense of self. That was our part in their journey. All we can hope is that they continue on that journey until they develop a full "self" and that a tiny part of us that we appreciated in their illusion will be in that self.

[Nevergiveuponhope]

At least I take a small degree of comfort in the idea that he was reflecting me. And I really liked who I fell in love with so if it was a reflection of me then I must be a pretty wonderful person. Because I felt he was a pretty wonderful person. I still in truth believe thats who he wanted to and perhaps even still wants to be. Maybe, just maybe someday he will find his way to be that person for himself instead of as a reflection of someone else.

So yes we fell in love with an illusion. And we cannot help that illusion. It wasn't real. It isn't real. It isn't our journey. Its theirs. We were just a tiny part.

. All we can hope is that they continue on that journey until they develop a full "self" and that a tiny part of us that we appreciated in their illusion will be in that self.

wow! Hope2727... .I have NEVER looked at it like this before, but it makes so much sense!... .I think maybe you can add yourself to the 'have you ever had a teacher or coach that made a difference' ! because you just have to a degree of me seeing it all so differently!... .

A mirror reflection! I constantly said it to him... and it makes me now think whether it was all part of this feed of you or whatever but yes, I thought this man so got me! I mean so got me on this deepest connection ever! ... was it just me being fooled... ! It actually kind of leaves me feeling incredibly sad n cold as I SO wanted this to be true!... .I guess this is were we find the grieving of the relationship so difficult... the dream was just that ... .A DREAM! ...  :'(

People have said it of me... you have empathy, compassion, you feel, you care!... .and as natural to me as that is... i now feel I have to hold my good heartedness back in fear of this happening again... .WHY? WHY DO THEY DO THIS?

I left things saying , I hope one day you see!... and I really will go through my life hoping this hits home to him one day that this woman did not deserve to have her heart broken this way!... ( His father has such a lot to answer for!) I think it was his abuse that created my exes Narc traits! especially the controlling/rage side!

I cannot stop the tears today!... it is waves isn't it, this healing process... .some days I will get through (as numb as it is) but others... i shut myself away,, and I am a complete emotional mess!

This realisation that 5 years was not real to him.

i'm so alone with this!