Intro

[frenchfry]

Hi, new here, new to forums as well. I'm a 33 year old daughter of a undiagnosed BPD mother, I have a brother with bipolar disorder, and a come burdened with a long list of trauma. My parents are still married, even though he is gay, and has contracted HIV. I'm currently in therapy for the third time in my life, as the result of a complete mental breakdown after my mom verbally abused my 9 year old daughter, and 7 year old son, my brother attempted suicide twice in one week, and my Dad checked out emotionally from life, all within a 4 week time frame.  I'm searching for support and answers to questions, as not many people can relate to or understand what I am dealing with. 

[Turkish]

Hello frenchfry

That is certainly a lot of trauma to happen at once, seemingly on all fronts. It's good that you reached out for support in therapy though, even if it must be frustrating to go back to it. We can support you here as well. I'm sorry that you have been put at the center of a lot of stress. It sounds like everyone looks to you to either keep things together, while at the same time being the target of abuse. Am I close to the mark?

How much contact do you have with your verbally abusive mother? It's inexcusable for her to berate her grandchildren like that, and it must have felt very triggering, maybe reminding you of what you endured as a child, too. How are your kids holding up, do they understand that something isn't right with grandma? I hope to hear more and how we can support you.

Turkish

[frenchfry]

Hi-

Thanks for the reply. You are spot on- the burden of responsibility has always been placed on my older brother and I. We live 50 miles from my mom and what used to be frequent visits (3 times a month) and has dwindled to once or twice since Christmas. Our dellima is how much access to give my parents to our children, whom they adore, but at the same time, how do we ( my husband and I ) protect our kids from abuse?

[Turkish]

50 miles isn't much. Have the visits decreased due to boundaries you and your husband enacted? How old are your kids, and how do you observe that they were affected?

It can be tough to place boundaries upon our parents with respect to their grandchildren; more so, if you are used to the dynamic of being a caretaker or being responsible for their feelings. No one should be responsible for another's feelings, least of all a child, which is damaging,.as you probably realize. If they are pressuring you for more time, we have tools here which can help you respond accordingly which may reduce your mom's volatilaty.

I think your instincts are right, however. Your H and your children are your primary family, and there is nothing wrong with protecting them. People with BPD (pwBPD) use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to get inside our natural defenses. Playing the "game" as it were, takes two. Maybe you can get something out of this article:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”