The BPD disorder is alot closer than i thought.

[Ivaros]

Well hi there everyone!

A short introduction about me and my life.

I'm 21 years old. Had a rough love life and my youth was very difficult for me to bare.

I have alot of experience with BPD. Had alot of relationships with girls that suffer from BPD.

The last break up was very hard for me. Alot of wild accusations. From rape to physical abuse.

She stalked me for years. Death threats every single day.

Ah well. I survived it. Got myself and my life back ( Sort off ). Restoring the previous peace i had before all the painful relationships.

But now, i suffer from a newly surfaced problem.

I can recognize BPD quite accurately and quickly. I can ward off the most. And live my own life.

However. My father attracted alot of women with BPD, my exact same problem.

He cheated on my mother. Ran away like crazy. He seemed scared. But he cheated and i always hated him for that.

My mother is a very loving, sweet, good hearted person. Well... i had to guess again.

The bond between me and my father has always been rough. I only went to him for money when i was broke.

But lately, its improving alot...

I had a good conversation with him... about my mother... about my youth... This was the first good conversation in 21 years. I was suprised that he even wanted to speak with me about my youth & mother. But he approved it when i asked about it. Which has also never happened before.

He said alot of things i didnt know. My mother yelled at him all the time. Beat him. He was awesome but suddenly crap.

He said that he wasnt there for us ( Me and my sister ) in our youth. But he was there. He ran away from a very emotionally unstable spouse.

Cheating was neccesary. He said. I was shocked.

Did i really have a scarred image of my mother? For 21 freakin' years... Is she a master manipulator? Wait... i had this conversation before... about my ex... with friends.

It matches perfectly. All the pieces of the puzzle come in place. It is very hard for me to accept that my mother en sister suffer from BPD.

I must admit. I thought about it for the last months. It became too painful to think about. And i shoved it away.

She knows im aware of the situation. Because of that, the manipulating grows stronger every single day. My sister joined the manipulation-wagon. They are both messing with my head.

I understand it all now. My youth. Why i'm attracted to people with BPD. But its very hard to accept.

What should i do now? I know they'll ruin my future. I've been down this road 4 times before. I know my future's not very bright if i keep in touch with them.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Ivaros &

I'm really sorry for the trauma of your childhood, and please know that so many of the members of the Coping and Healing Board can commiserate with your confusion and pain over what has gone on with your parents and the whole family dynamic. You are in the right place for insights and support!

I have to say that one thing in your favor is that you are so young... .Getting a good handle on BPD and how it has affected your life at such a young age will be life-changing for you in a long-term way    Have you had the chance to check out every link to the right-hand side of this page? The Survivors Guide is really important for you to read and understand, and we have a very good Article that will also be enlightening: Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children.

It's really wonderful that you are having these insights now, before you are in a long-term romantic relationship; the more you understand BPD and figure it out, the better your future will be. You will get stronger and wiser, and make better choices in a mate for a happier future... .Please keep reading all you can on this site, and ask your questions and tell us more of your story. We want to help, Ivaros 

[Kwamina]

Hi Ivaros,

Welcome to Coping and Healing! It's not uncommon for people who have found themselves in relationships with BPD partners to later realize that there are also people in their own family with BPD traits. Sometimes it's like you seek out in your adult life what in a way feels like what you were used to growing up. Perhaps not because you really like it, but more because this is what you were used to and in a way felt most comfortable with. Do you feel like this could perhaps partly explain what's going on here?

I have alot of experience with BPD. Had alot of relationships with girls that suffer from BPD.

The last break up was very hard for me. Alot of wild accusations. From rape to physical abuse.

She stalked me for years. Death threats every single day.

Ah well. I survived it. Got myself and my life back ( Sort off ). Restoring the previous peace i had before all the painful relationships.

This is some very serious stuff you've been through  I am glad you are doing better now though.

She knows im aware of the situation. Because of that, the manipulating grows stronger every single day. My sister joined the manipulation-wagon. They are both messing with my head.

Could you tell us a bit more about what your mother and sister are doing to you? In what ways do you feel that they are manipulating you and messing with your head?

What should i do now? I know they'll ruin my future. I've been down this road 4 times before. I know my future's not very bright if i keep in touch with them.

If you are in fact dealing with BPD family-members, it might be helpful to take a look at the information we have here about setting and enforcing boundaries. You might have already read the material when you were dealing with your BPD ex, but it can definitely also be very valuable when dealing with possible BPD family-members:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

I also suggest you take a look at an article we have here about fear, obligation and guilt. Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like fear, obligation and/or guilt are things your mother and sister use to intimidate, 'manipulate' or control you? You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)