Boundaries, can't believe I put up with so much

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The farther out I get from this marriage the more clearly I can see it.

I struggle with how much abuse I put up with and came almost without boundaries.  I have never been like that before and do not put up with people treating me poorly ever!  Was I so addicted to the rs, so scared to fail my marriage.  Failing my marriage was a big part that pushed me to be patient and to not walk away.  If I could just make her feel loved and secure the behavior would change.  I think if we were not married I would not have fought as long or put up with so much.

So many lies, and so much punishment.  I big issue with me is that I am a very affectionate person and she knew that.  If I did anything she did not like she would withdraw and if I tried to talk about issues like healthy people would she would punish me for it.  Whatever my concern was it would be the last thing on earth she would do for me. 

Looking back she knew the three things that really hurt me and that I tried to address... .of course she would not change her behavior and would accuse me of being selfish and insecure... .wow.  This is a marriage I thought.

Anyways, it was all a power play for her and I can't believe I let her. 

I have read many similar stories on here and many of us seem in awe that we endured so much abuse.  Thank God the FOG has lifted!

[wavelife]

The farther out I get from this marriage the more clearly I can see it.

I struggle with how much abuse I put up with and came almost without boundaries.  I have never been like that before and do not put up with people treating me poorly ever!  Was I so addicted to the rs, so scared to fail my marriage.  Failing my marriage was a big part that pushed me to be patient and to not walk away.  If I could just make her feel loved and secure the behavior would change.  I think if we were not married I would not have fought as long or put up with so much.

So many lies, and so much punishment.  I big issue with me is that I am a very affectionate person and she knew that.  If I did anything she did not like she would withdraw and if I tried to talk about issues like healthy people would she would punish me for it.  Whatever my concern was it would be the last thing on earth she would do for me. 

Looking back she knew the three things that really hurt me and that I tried to address... .of course she would not change her behavior and would accuse me of being selfish and insecure... .wow.  This is a marriage I thought.

Anyways, it was all a power play for her and I can't believe I let her. 

I have read many similar stories on here and many of us seem in awe that we endured so much abuse.  Thank God the FOG has lifted!

[Recooperating]

Amen to that! Struggling with the same here... .Why in the world did I put up with so much crap from him? If it would have happened to one of my best friends I would have told her to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! I too hung on to the rs, thought if I loved him even more he would change... .So stupid!

Working through my FOO issues now to make sure this never happens again!

A round of applause to you Wavelife! You got out! Best of luck and lots and lots of happiness for you!

[Plonko]

I think we put up with so much because we were trying to do the best we possibly could for the person we loved totally and unconditionally. I think that is a pretty positive thing to do so don't beat yourself up about that. It makes you a good person.

[wavelife]

Thanks Recooperating!  Yes we made it out.

I agree Plonko.  I did not think I was capable of showing so much love unconditionally with nothing in return.  I am stronger than I knew.

I will take that knowledge into my next relationship and throw myself in again I imagine    Don't want to come out of this hardened or scared.  Just with a new strength and bigger love!

[Tyrwhitt]

I agree that it's only looking back that clarity can be seen.  By the end of my marriage, I realised that it wasn't a case of what he would do for me, the reality was that he wouldn't do anything for me.  It was all about him and had been for over a decade.  I had become the enemy, the controller, and his future lay in being free of me, our life together. 

Like you, I recognise that if we weren't married, I wouldn't have put up with all the behaviours and abuse.  But anger is an emotion to move you on and it did just that; if I hold on to the anger, it damages me, if I let go of the anger, I get 'me' back.  The decades that I spent with him moulded me into the person that I am today and I see strength in being what other people might view a 'soft touch' but I see as compassion, understanding and the ability to see that life isn't black and white, right and wrong, but overlapping grey with blurry lines. 

[Deeno02]

I was not married to my exgf but I sure as hell put up with the emotional, verbal and mental abuse. It was because of my childhood issues as to why I put up with it. I hung on, pretending it was cool when I knew it wasnt, until I was dumped. I am so glad I didnt have that extra portion of marriage and children involved. I cant imagine how or what you guys went through or are going through. Hugs to you all.

[getting_better]

Really great points, wavelife.  I put up with all the things you bring up for 20+ years.  For so many reasons - I wanted to avoid the shame of a failed marriage, dysfunctional family, looking like a weak man, etc.  I would just take the rage and try so hard to calm her down and then end up feeling depleted.  I've often been amazed at her energy for conflict - she would have the capacity to go on for days before I finally gave in, said everything was my fault, and tried to get back to normalcy. 

You are right about the FOG lifting.  I was always certain that I wasn't a bad guy, but I had to separate from her to really start believing it.

[Deeno02]

Really great points, wavelife.  I put up with all the things you bring up for 20+ years.  For so many reasons - I wanted to avoid the shame of a failed marriage, dysfunctional family, looking like a weak man, etc.  I would just take the rage and try so hard to calm her down and then end up feeling depleted.  I've often been amazed at her energy for conflict - she would have the capacity to go on for days before I finally gave in, said everything was my fault, and tried to get back to normalcy. 

You are right about the FOG lifting.  I was always certain that I wasn't a bad guy, but I had to separate from her to really start believing it.

Getting... .WOW yes it was always so much easier to take the blame, apologize and try to move on. Or clam up and take the bashing, or try and diffuse it with humor. I totally get it. I felt like such a worthless POS after her your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me speeches I didnt want to be on this earth anymore. Felt worthless, felt unwanted. Man, the damage they do.

[jhkbuzz]

I think we put up with so much because we were trying to do the best we possibly could for the person we loved totally and unconditionally. I think that is a pretty positive thing to do so don't beat yourself up about that. It makes you a good person.

Ah... .but that's only half of the picture, positive though it may be.

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

And I'm trying to figure that out for myself, as well.

[Lucky Jim]

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

Agree, jhkbuzz.  A key element in my recovery is learning to love myself enough so that I will never again be the object of such abuse.  Many positive qualities flow from this simple premise, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Plonko]

Ah... .but that's only half of the picture, positive though it may be.

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

And I'm trying to figure that out for myself, as well.

Yeah I can see what you're saying but I don't feel that in my own case it came from a lack of love for myself or being a doormat etc. It came from wanting to help someone that clearly needed it. Also from knowing that the abuse came from the illness and not from the person.

Having said that it all became too much and I had to leave before it made me ill. As it turned out I was a bit late there and had quite a time repairing myself once it was all over. That wasn't a lack of love for myself though just getting caught up in the moment and mistakenly believing I could cope with everything that was (sometimes literally) thrown at me.

[jhkbuzz]

Ah... .but that's only half of the picture, positive though it may be.

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

And I'm trying to figure that out for myself, as well.

Yeah I can see what you're saying but I don't feel that in my own case it came from a lack of love for myself or being a doormat etc. It came from wanting to help someone that clearly needed it. Also from knowing that the abuse came from the illness and not from the person.

Having said that it all became too much and I had to leave before it made me ill. As it turned out I was a bit late there and had quite a time repairing myself once it was all over. That wasn't a lack of love for myself though just getting caught up in the moment and mistakenly believing I could cope with everything that was (sometimes literally) thrown at me.

I understand - that's what kept me in it for a long time as well!  

It wasn't until months after the r/s ended that I began to see clearly how emotionally abusive it was - and that's when I started questioning what kept me in it for so long.

[Deeno02]

Ah... .but that's only half of the picture, positive though it may be.

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

And I'm trying to figure that out for myself, as well.

Yeah I can see what you're saying but I don't feel that in my own case it came from a lack of love for myself or being a doormat etc. It came from wanting to help someone that clearly needed it. Also from knowing that the abuse came from the illness and not from the person.

Having said that it all became too much and I had to leave before it made me ill. As it turned out I was a bit late there and had quite a time repairing myself once it was all over. That wasn't a lack of love for myself though just getting caught up in the moment and mistakenly believing I could cope with everything that was (sometimes literally) thrown at me.

I understand - that's what kept me in it for a long time as well!  

It wasn't until months after the r/s ended that I began to see clearly how emotionally abusive it was - and that's when I started questioning what kept me in it for so long.

Exactly. Once I was out I realized what abuse I went through. Of course, at the time I was in the r/s, I had very little knowledge and understanding of PD's. Never thought I would be involved with someone like this!

[apollotech]

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

Agree, jhkbuzz.  A key element in my recovery is learning to love myself enough so that I will never again be the object of such abuse.  Many positive qualities flow from this simple premise, in my view.

LuckyJim

I see this scenario/logic often posted on here: I was abused and recognized said abuse, and I didn't do anything about it; therefore, I don't love myself or don't love myself enough. To me, that is letting the actions of another, in this case abusive actions, dictate an internal self concept. I think you must turn the equation around to truly see if you actually do have a lack of love for yourself: Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel that you deserve abuse? Do you feel that you are unlovable? Etc.

I was in a very unhealthy/emotionally abusive relationship for 8 months with my BPDexgf. I was in that relationship 7 months longer than I should have been. Those extra 7 months had nothing to do with a lack of love for myself. They were the direct result of misplaced hope and misplaced patience that things would eventually turn around. It was an acceptance of abuse while working the problem. Only the end result can indicate if said acceptance was justified. In my case it was not (the misplaced qualifier now becomes valid); I terminated the relationship. If the relationship had went the other way (righted itself), my hope and patience would have been well spent. I would be cheering rather than geering (Sorry, I just had to put that in there! )

Take a look at the real reason(s) why you stayed. There may be other reasons yet unaddressed.

[jhkbuzz]

The other half is figuring out why you had such little love for yourself that you put up with such astounding levels of emotional abuse.

Agree, jhkbuzz.  A key element in my recovery is learning to love myself enough so that I will never again be the object of such abuse.  Many positive qualities flow from this simple premise, in my view.

LuckyJim

I see this scenario/logic often posted on here: I was abused and recognized said abuse, and I didn't do anything about it; therefore, I don't love myself or don't love myself enough. To me, that is letting the actions of another, in this case abusive actions, dictate an internal self concept. I think you must turn the equation around to truly see if you actually do have a lack of love for yourself: Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel that you deserve abuse? Do you feel that you are unlovable? Etc.

I was in a very unhealthy/emotionally abusive relationship for 8 months with my BPDexgf. I was in that relationship 7 months longer than I should have been. Those extra 7 months had nothing to do with a lack of love for myself. They were the direct result of misplaced hope and misplaced patience that things would eventually turn around. It was an acceptance of abuse while working the problem. Only the end result can indicate if said acceptance was justified. In my case it was not (the misplaced qualifier now becomes valid); I terminated the relationship. If the relationship had went the other way (righted itself), my hope and patience would have been well spent. I would be cheering rather than geering (Sorry, I just had to put that in there! )

Take a look at the real reason(s) why you stayed. There may be other reasons yet unaddressed.

Everyone's situation is different, to be sure. And I know I personally had a tremendous amount of hope that things would turn around in my r/s. But in my experience, there are many people who would not accept abuse in a r/s - for any reason.  They would draw their boundaries strongly and not put the survival of the r/s above all else.

Perhaps 'self love' is not the correct phrase... .but the 'acceptance of abuse' indicates that SOMETHING is up... .and it ain't good.

[apollotech]

"Everyone's situation is different, to be sure. And I know I personally had a tremendous amount of hope that things would turn around in my r/s. But in my experience, there are many people who would not accept abuse in a r/s - for any reason.  They would draw their boundaries strongly and not put the survival of the r/s above all else.

Perhaps 'self love' is not the correct phrase... .but the 'acceptance of abuse' indicates that SOMETHING is up... .and it ain't good."

jhk,

I agree, everyone's situation is different. I was just trying to point out that we need to look at other things that affected our commitment to our respective relationships/partners. I was not in my relationship long before I walked. When enough became enough, I left. I did/do love myself. Was she/the relationship worthy of my love? No. But that is an "in hindsight" statement. The end was "unknown" at the time of the abuse.

We accept abuse daily. If our boundaries become so rigid that we simply will not tolerate abuse than we had better write people off, all people. We all make missteps in all relationships. Being tolerant of others is a sign of maturity and personal well being. I get what you're saying, we let said tolerance go to far; I agree, but I can only agree because of hindsight. I don't agree with the statement that merely being accepting of "some" abuse necessitates a bad thing. The outcome always validates or invalidates the justification in every individual situation.

[gomez_addams]

My T tells me it's the guilt that has kept me around.  That as bad as I can be led to think I am, ending it would make me worse.

Getting over the guilt is going to be the big thing for me to work on.  And learning not to second guess myself.  As in, "If only I had done X, Y, & Z... .it would have all worked out."

Gomez

[dobie]

Mine was not abusive  yes she could criticise sometimes but it was more it was always about her , her needs her problems I was just a tampon my needs and wants were third and fourth place 90% of the time .

I suppose the most direct abuse was her needling and picking fights so she could play the victim when I reacted .

I suffered from paranoid accusations aimed at me but she never put me down directly or called me names etc

When I look back it was like she was so consumed with her feelings and pain she had no time to really consider anyone else's .

So I suppose her abuse was her selfishness .

[mitatsu]

The farther out I get from this marriage the more clearly I can see it.

I struggle with how much abuse I put up with and came almost without boundaries.  I have never been like that before and do not put up with people treating me poorly ever!  Was I so addicted to the rs, so scared to fail my marriage.  Failing my marriage was a big part that pushed me to be patient and to not walk away.  If I could just make her feel loved and secure the behavior would change.  I think if we were not married I would not have fought as long or put up with so much.

So many lies, and so much punishment.  I big issue with me is that I am a very affectionate person and she knew that.  If I did anything she did not like she would withdraw and if I tried to talk about issues like healthy people would she would punish me for it.  Whatever my concern was it would be the last thing on earth she would do for me. 

Looking back she knew the three things that really hurt me and that I tried to address... .of course she would not change her behavior and would accuse me of being selfish and insecure... .wow.  This is a marriage I thought.

Anyways, it was all a power play for her and I can't believe I let her. 

I have read many similar stories on here and many of us seem in awe that we endured so much abuse.  Thank God the FOG has lifted!

Hey you stole my story!