Cheating while also having traits of BPD

[anon452738]

Hello, everyone. First of all, I'd like to say that I do have traits of BPD due to childhood abuse, but I also have Asperger Syndrome. This is obviously important, as I'm also involved in a relationship with someone who has the same disorders, although he is much lower functioning than I am in several areas.

I hope I can still post here, as my posts will be towards helping me in this relationship with him. I have a feeling I am a bit like a "non" at this point because I tend to be far more rational than most of the BPD's I have met.


So, I got involved with someone with BPD. Our relationship has lasted just over 6 months now. As much as I suspected, he was emotionally unfaithful the entire time. We are in a LDR, as in different countries. I met him for 3 weeks, and everything was much more stable in person (although, it IS only 3 weeks).

Going into this relationship, yes, he did cheat with me. I was lead to believe he wanted out of the relationship (aka, I was a replacement, but I wasn't thinking about this at the time). He had another replacement who has been around a few months longer than me and he was in a relationship with her for 2 days. Well, you know, I'm the one who actually could see him in person, so our relationship was solidified. Cheated with replacement, promised not to do it again.

Visit: Went really, really well. I got paranoid and checked his phone because he never gave me details for closure. He actually *did* attempt to cut off contact with this person on social media as far as I know. Actually kept that from the looks of it until I felt guilty and said he could keep her as a friend, upon which he immediately started contact with her again.

Fast forward to January/early February: I come back from visiting him, there are a lot of fights. It's obvious he has the previous replacement on the side again. I just wanted him to admit it so we could move on. It was the lying that made it worse.

Towards the end of the month, he has pretty much painted me black. Dumps me, gives me this lame excuse about how I'm unstable, which was somewhat true. I had a very unstable living environment, I ended up suicidal and dropping out of school. So, what happens? He decides to dump me in my time of need. Ended up making everything think I was awful, kept coming back for a few days, dumping, etc.

Ended up with person number three in his own country. Made plans to go see her and date former replacement at the same time. I suspect former replacement refused to date him, but the person he was seeing was very into him. He wanted 30 days of NC for my "mental health", but he was going to jump to this person. We kept fighting and ended up NC for a few days sometime in between all of this. He told me that he "will talk to her for emotional support again". So, I knew what was coming... .

As far as I know, like I said, she was very, very eager to see him. She believed everything he said. But he texts me saying he cancelled, because he can't keep jumping from person to person like this. In fact, we started to work things out. He admitted about the cheating, and told me about how he still talked to the person he cheated on me with and how he still talked to her in the beginning as well. Now, at first he took responsibility. Then, he slowly started blaming replacement, saying she was manipulative, etc. I let it go. He said he wants to fix things and was actually VERY very validating.

Each time this happened, he was very, very, very validating at first. I mean extremely. And he would take responsibility. Somewhere in all of this mess, she messages me 3 days after he confessed everything, telling me the exact same thing he said. So, I mean, it was no news... .

After all of this, she is now "black" and has been for over a month. He seemed to cut off contact with everyone like he said. Enter person number four after a month of actually really good happiness and no fights (next fight was actually started by me).

It was his ex from literally like 15 years ago. Online only. She disapproved of our relationship because of course when he was splitting he complained about me to her. He makes plans to visit her due to conflicts at his home (He is on disability and his family members are not very good people, and he was having breakdowns. I have witnessed them being like this and they are similar to my invalidating family). She says something on social media about "Loving him longer", and to my surprise he actually cancelled the trip and said he would rather have breakdowns. He doesn't have any other people to stay with, so he stayed at home. But he kept her as a "friend".

After all of this, you know, we get in a fight about something. I was actually pushing him away at this point and he was being very validating. So, you know, he dumps me. He is actually saying he is no good for me, he loves me, etc. I chase him, he pushes away, comes back like 30 minutes later after me chasing him. He actually admitted before I took him back fully that he talked to her! I said enough is enough, I need to see texts and messages. Now, he did just copy and past and type out texts, but he did this so fast as soon as he got home that I don't believe he really altered them (and the time stamp on it was in order). Of course, he is devaluing me, but he actually was telling her how much he loved me and how it isn't fair I was pushing him away. She said she loved him, blah blah... . He didn't say it back. He thanks her for helping him realize what a toxic relationship this was in, and even though he loves me, he can't go back for both of our sakes. He actually was not flirty or anything from these messages, although I'm not discounting he left something out. The last of the texts was him saying to keep him away from me and keep him sane, and she said she can't do that, but can help him recognize his behaviors and make his own decisions or something like that. It sounds to me like he only came back because she refused to be his savior.

But... . He was honest with me, or at least partially this time upfront. He blocked her on his own on social media, and he said even though it wasn't cheating, it was a betrayal and really messed up. In fact, he now reassures me and tells me he knows how messed up all of this was, and he has claimed to have cut off contact with all of these people. Not only that, he said he WANTS to, and even him dumping me and trying to jump to someone else he now considers cheating. He said I'm the first one he actually wants to stop this sh!t with pretty much.

Enter why I'm here: I told him I don't trust him still. He said it's been over a month since he's actually cheated, but knows that this latest was a betrayal still and has hurt me. He has said he hates himself for what he has done, etc. Now, I'm not stupid. I literally had a feeling all of this was going to happen from a few weeks in. I recognize it will probably happen again. He does not want an open relationship and would obviously dump me if I cheated. But when I told him I don't trust him still, especially because I know to a certain extent he's omitting details or not taking full responsibility, he got very, very upset. I said I simply don't trust him fully not to do this again when he feels unloved or unsafe, and he replied, to paraphrase, "Well, I happen to be right now", which I tried to calmly say appeared like a threat (like he was able to do it again) He still said he loved me back. He said he had to be alone and will deal with his feelings because they are not my fault, etc. I don't know what he expects. He can actually be very rational at times (I suspect due to autism like myself), but I want to get through to him that lack of trust is OK and forgiveness is not an entitlement.

But now I'm over 6 months in and he really IS different for ME. I have never taken responsibility for the few BPD behaviors I openly have. I have said some harsh (frankly, messed up) things I believe twice that were very bad because I was hurt, and I have taken responsibility. I have never tried in a relationship so much before. I was married, and I'm in the process of a divorce from someone who actually was really abusive and I stayed with for years and used me for a green card, but I didn't really love that person at all. I felt somewhat stable with him, but I've really never had many relationships my whole life. I got married at 19 and then this current relationship. I have never felt in love before, and yes, I have interacted with other BPDs in my life and felt a heavy infatuation but never pursued.

I know he claims it is different with me, but you know, he says that about everyone. Still, when I visited him and according to his family, I'm the first person that has seen him (in person) for years. He is extremely introverted and pretty much keeps his relationships online due to intimacy issues. He keeps coming back to me, and he IS getting better in some aspects (for example, his eating disorder is getting better and he seeks my approval to eat when he has trouble getting any food in him). I have told him since day one I am not his savior, and I can only love and accept him.

I know I want to feel like our relationship is somehow special, but I know you guys have been through similar stuff and worse. I do feel like I love the person he is (his interests, passions, differences, etc.), and we commonly talk about each other in non-black and white ways. We acknowledge our relationship will go through these cycles until one of us can seek therapy, and then the other needs to eventually. He actually wants therapy, but in his country, there is a backlog of patients for months waiting to be seen by a psychologist.


Obviously this was a lot to read and I'm sorry about this. I just really want to hear any advice on how to effectively set better boundaries and help him understand my view of not trusting him if possible. I am a very validating person and when he is rational, he responds to validating comments and will acknowledge what I go through in our relationship and validate that. I'm just at a loss currently because he's most likely either splitting me or himself into the "bad" category for not getting over this. I mean, this happened for the first 5 months of our relationship. Of course I won't be able to move on so soon. I am still hurt. So, any advice at all on how to improve this situation I would really appreciate.

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[Mr.Downtrodden]

Welcome, and so sorry to read of what you are going through.

Your partner will not change.  I went through a similar situation two years ago and it is still very painful. My ex promised she'd work on her promiscuous issues; she still led a separate life - we lived about 2 and half hours away from each other.  While I was told I was the one, she really used me to engage her on and off again ex BF who "treated me like crap", she'd complain. Endlessly.  Yet, who was there with her the whole time I was also in the picture?

i know you want to believe in the power to change, but your partner will not.  do yourself a favor and go NC to work on becoming indifferent.  i am still working towards achieving indifference.  i wonder if I ever will.  But I know i cannot allow my mind to conjure up me + my ex = togetherness.

[anon452738]

Welcome, and so sorry to read of what you are going through.

Your partner will not change.  I went through a similar situation two years ago and it is still very painful. My ex promised she'd work on her promiscuous issues; she still led a separate life - we lived about 2 and half hours away from each other.  While I was told I was the one, she really used me to engage her on and off again ex BF who "treated me like crap", she'd complain. Endlessly.  Yet, who was there with her the whole time I was also in the picture?

i know you want to believe in the power to change, but your partner will not.  do yourself a favor and go NC to work on becoming indifferent.  i am still working towards achieving indifference.  i wonder if I ever will.  But I know i cannot allow my mind to conjure up me + my ex = togetherness.

I'm actually under no illusion of him changing. Well, not without therapy. Even then, I doubt it. I don't believe I'm truly that different at all. You know, when I read all of the countless posts about them cheating, I'm kind of perplexed. I know he feels too much empathy a lot like me. Maybe not at the time, but not only did he validate me many times, and claimed he wouldn't do it again (never believed), he would stay up with me through crying, and has actually been extremely supportive through emotional issues I have gone through. I mean more than anyone ever has in my entire life. So, on the one hand I have that (which seems to be missing in many BPD relationships from what I've seen), and on the other, I have the "I can't believe you don't trust me". Yet, there is no yelling, it's just depression (change of tone in his voice) and slight crying when I told him.

This may sound naive, but as someone with autism, I've always had trouble truly connecting with people. This is the first time I've been in love (and if he was truly better off without me, I'd let him go) and felt connected to a human like I do with non-human animals. So, this just hurts, but I cope with it. I've thought about going NC, but we both literally can't do it. We both participate in pulling each other back. I guess what I'm trying to say is... . *shrugs*, I accept him, but it doesn't take away my emotions. I was maybe looking for a way to help him since he responds well to validation usually, and even some boundary setting.

[anon452738]

Welcome, and so sorry to read of what you are going through.

Your partner will not change.  I went through a similar situation two years ago and it is still very painful. My ex promised she'd work on her promiscuous issues; she still led a separate life - we lived about 2 and half hours away from each other.  While I was told I was the one, she really used me to engage her on and off again ex BF who "treated me like crap", she'd complain. Endlessly.  Yet, who was there with her the whole time I was also in the picture?

i know you want to believe in the power to change, but your partner will not.  do yourself a favor and go NC to work on becoming indifferent.  i am still working towards achieving indifference.  i wonder if I ever will.  But I know i cannot allow my mind to conjure up me + my ex = togetherness.

Oh, and by the way, I'm so sorry for your pain. :[ It's two years and you're still very upset? I don't even blame you. I understand how I'd feel... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Welcome, and so sorry to read of what you are going through.

Your partner will not change.  I went through a similar situation two years ago and it is still very painful. My ex promised she'd work on her promiscuous issues; she still led a separate life - we lived about 2 and half hours away from each other.  While I was told I was the one, she really used me to engage her on and off again ex BF who "treated me like crap", she'd complain. Endlessly.  Yet, who was there with her the whole time I was also in the picture?

i know you want to believe in the power to change, but your partner will not.  do yourself a favor and go NC to work on becoming indifferent.  i am still working towards achieving indifference.  i wonder if I ever will.  But I know i cannot allow my mind to conjure up me + my ex = togetherness.

Oh, and by the way, I'm so sorry for your pain. :[ It's two years and you're still very upset? I don't even blame you. I understand how I'd feel... .

Thank you.  I'm more sad and lonely.  My agonizing stage has passed.  All the events that transpired between us was very difficult to cope with, as each bad thing grew exponentially.  First time, confession and asking for forgiveness.  

Second time, caught as she tried to cover up what was going on.  Her ex let me know in graphic detail via e-mail. He enjoyed antagonizing me via his smarmy / cocky attitude.  See, myy ex was dumb enough to lend her phone to him as a favor, instead, he read through all of her texts and emails, finding out that there were many other guys besides me.  My ex didn't tell me that, only of her ex being a stalker who would not let her "move on" with me.  She begged forgiveness and promised to go for therapy.  

She did for many months.  Things improved, we talked of me relocating to move in with her. Then, she called me one night, nervous and afraid, and tells me she is pregnant. I knew by timing it was not me who could be the father, based on the last time we were intimate.  I also knew why she was so nice and affectionate to me during my last visit, after hearing that phone call. She knew beforehand but didn;t want to tell me in person, as to not spoil our time together.

 She first tried to say that we could survive and things did not have to change because of this, as she had no love or any feelings for the father.  Then, she turned to deflection and projection t justify her behavior (quote: "the way I see it, you're up there, and I'm down here, so... . ), and also saying that she would wager my other ex GFs "cheated". Yeah.  I also got another e-mail from a different exBF she had continued seeing as a friends with sexual benefits arrangement.  To say reading that was devastating would be a gross understatement

Is it any wonder I'm still having trouble? How can I ever trust what someone tells me again?

My advice to you - it hurts like heck, but these people are actors.  They will take on whatever role they need to continue keeping validation.  When your BF cried with you or stood by you to comfort, do not think it was sincere.  It may have been for the moment, but only to serve an ulterior motive.

There is a reason the cliche exists: Once A cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.  'Tis the absolute truth.  No excuse