Self-Inquiry

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 6 months of being apart, I've finally accepted the fact that she will never be in my life again, in any fashion. I sent an email to her, making it clear I want no further contact with her. Her response was what I pretty much expected it to be and pretty spot on from someone w/BPD.

Which leads me to step 2... .self-inquiry.

I drive a lot, for my job, and it gives me a LOT of time to think. I started to break down everything, from the beginning to the end. Why did I become so attached? Why was the relationship so intense? What, precisely, was my role in this? What was hers? What have I learned? Etc.

I'm angry. Really angry. Not at her, not anymore. She has a mental illness. I'm really angry at myself. The signs were all there, and when I think about them, I can recall red flags that were thrown up that I completely ignored.

• Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.



• Her telling me she just wanted to be "spoiled". Said she deserved it after all the crap she's gone through, both in life and past relationships.



• Her telling about about how bad her childhood was. How awful her mother was, how bad her father was. How she was "disowned" from her family. How her cousin raped her at a young age, how her father went to rehab for crack addiction. Her growing up in bars.



• Me asking why she liked everything black (she wore black, her hair was black, her car was black, etc) and her response was that she had a "black heart". Later on, she of course backtracked and said she was only kidding. Said it just matched everything. Now I wonder.



• Her getting married to a man when she was 20 and he was like 37. He had three kids (one not much younger than her) and had two ex-wives.



• Her tales of off again/on again relationships post divorce. How everything was "their fault".



• The sheer amount of locations (mostly apartments) she lived post divorce. It's in the double digits. Even lost a house her grandmother gave her money to build.



• Being sued by credit card companies. For most of our relationship, she didn't even have a real address for her mail. It all came to her work address. For the most part, still does.



• Her son going to rehab for alcoholism.



• Her other son smoking pot MULTIPLE times a day, in her apartment, with other minors (her kid was 16/17) with her permission. Her excuse? Better here than somewhere he can get into trouble. Funnily enough, her son was arrested, not once but twice, during a one month period near the end of our relationship.



• Her alcoholism. She drank more than any woman I've ever met. Ever. I took her to a NASCAR race, once. She brought in a 12 pack of beer. She said she wasn't going to drink it all, but guess what? From the the first sip of beer, until the race ended, she downed not only the whole 12, but went to the concession stand for God knows how many more. The tales of her drinking alone should've made me run to the hills. One quick story. The first time we broke up, she sent me a text a few weeks after, saying I was the best lover she had and I could I just come over and not talk. Like an idiot, I went. She was apparently drunk on Fireball whiskey and, after some back and forth bantering, she jumped on top of me, pinned me down and became what I can only describe as a demon. I will NEVER forget the look of hatred, the bared, gritted teeth. You could actually FEEL the hate. One of the very few times in my life I was actually frightened. Not just for me, but for her.



• Her drinking with her alcoholic son, post rehab.



• Her lies about how much she had to drink.



• Her unwillingness to apologize for anything she did. She would, sometimes/eventually apologize, but most of the time, even when it was right there in front of her face that she effed up, she still wouldn't apologize. I can't tell you how many arguments we got into because of that.



• Her unwillingness to care about anything that had to do with me. We actually got into an argument once because she NEVER asked how my day was. I asked her how her day was EVERY day, all the time. Even after I asked her, nothing from her. Her argument? "You tell me about it anyway, so why ask?"! I was like "I tell you about it because you NEVER ASK".



• Her medications. She's prescribed Klonopin for anxiety and some other drug for anxiety/depression. She only took Klonopin when she was REALLY anxious, but HAD to be on the other every day.



• Her aptitude to get pissed off at the drop of a hat. Not just at me, but friends (the few she had) and her family members, including her sons. She'd sometimes get texts from her sister and was REALLY pissed about the "tone" or whatever. I'd read it and couldn't for the life of me see what the hell she was talking about.



• Her lack of real friends. The only friends she has, are broken in their own ways. But she had tales upon tales of how friends effed her over, or friends that no longer wanted to hang with her, etc. Always the martyr.

Even now, as I write this, I simply can't believe I stayed for as long as I did. I feel stupid, naive. Angry. But I've come to terms as to why I stayed.

My self-confidence was SHATTERED after my knowledge of my impending divorce. In late February of 2013, it was a mutual decision between my ex-wife and I that we part ways. It was very amicable. At that point, anyway. In the beginning of March of 2013, I went on a service call to the location where my BPDx works. Now, I had known her for about 10 years already, up to this point. Not great friends, but had been to her branch several times and we had several conversations. I was there for awhile and, after hearing about my impending divorce, asked me (and her boss, who declined) to go out for drinks afterwards. And that was the beginning. Another red flag just occurred to me! She claimed she didn't know I was "getting divorced" but thought I was already divorced when she asked me for drinks. However, her boss clearly remembers me saying that I was "getting divorced". I now wonder if she heard me correctly, but swooped in for easy prey? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Because it's one of things I feel. I feel like I was used. Manipulated. Like I was a soft piece of clay and she tried to mold me to fit her lifestyle. Back to why I stayed. I gave this little background because it has a lot to do with why I stayed. My marriage was an unfulfilling one. Had been that way for years. The BPDx knew this from our previous conversations. When we first got together, everything was pretty good. Very intense. Sex was great. Chemistry was there. Liked a lot of the same things, liked a lot of the same shows, movies, comedy, sense of humor, etc. I think I was so starved for attention and was finally getting it, for the first time in many years, that I just took to it like a fish to water. I was lonely, I was needy, I was desperate, I was hurting and she was the oasis in my Sahara desert of these emotions.

Just writing this feels so much better. Thank you for being an outlet for this. I feel better knowing the mistakes I made and am doing my very best to chalk this up to a learning experience. Knowing why I stayed, why I went back and why I feel the way I feel now.

Any comments are most welcome. Thanks again!

[Irish Pride]

After 6 months of being apart, I've finally accepted the fact that she will never be in my life again, in any fashion. I sent an email to her, making it clear I want no further contact with her. Her response was what I pretty much expected it to be and pretty spot on from someone w/BPD.

Which leads me to step 2... .self-inquiry.

I drive a lot, for my job, and it gives me a LOT of time to think. I started to break down everything, from the beginning to the end. Why did I become so attached? Why was the relationship so intense? What, precisely, was my role in this? What was hers? What have I learned? Etc.

I'm angry. Really angry. Not at her, not anymore. She has a mental illness. I'm really angry at myself. The signs were all there, and when I think about them, I can recall red flags that were thrown up that I completely ignored.

• Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.



• Her telling me she just wanted to be "spoiled". Said she deserved it after all the crap she's gone through, both in life and past relationships.



• Her telling about about how bad her childhood was. How awful her mother was, how bad her father was. How she was "disowned" from her family. How her cousin raped her at a young age, how her father went to rehab for crack addiction. Her growing up in bars.



• Me asking why she liked everything black (she wore black, her hair was black, her car was black, etc) and her response was that she had a "black heart". Later on, she of course backtracked and said she was only kidding. Said it just matched everything. Now I wonder.



• Her getting married to a man when she was 20 and he was like 37. He had three kids (one not much younger than her) and had two ex-wives.



• Her tales of off again/on again relationships post divorce. How everything was "their fault".



• The sheer amount of locations (mostly apartments) she lived post divorce. It's in the double digits. Even lost a house her grandmother gave her money to build.



• Being sued by credit card companies. For most of our relationship, she didn't even have a real address for her mail. It all came to her work address. For the most part, still does.



• Her son going to rehab for alcoholism.



• Her other son smoking pot MULTIPLE times a day, in her apartment, with other minors (her kid was 16/17) with her permission. Her excuse? Better here than somewhere he can get into trouble. Funnily enough, her son was arrested, not once but twice, during a one month period near the end of our relationship.



• Her alcoholism. She drank more than any woman I've ever met. Ever. I took her to a NASCAR race, once. She brought in a 12 pack of beer. She said she wasn't going to drink it all, but guess what? From the the first sip of beer, until the race ended, she downed not only the whole 12, but went to the concession stand for God knows how many more. The tales of her drinking alone should've made me run to the hills. One quick story. The first time we broke up, she sent me a text a few weeks after, saying I was the best lover she had and I could I just come over and not talk. Like an idiot, I went. She was apparently drunk on Fireball whiskey and, after some back and forth bantering, she jumped on top of me, pinned me down and became what I can only describe as a demon. I will NEVER forget the look of hatred, the bared, gritted teeth. You could actually FEEL the hate. One of the very few times in my life I was actually frightened. Not just for me, but for her.



• Her drinking with her alcoholic son, post rehab.



• Her lies about how much she had to drink.



• Her unwillingness to apologize for anything she did. She would, sometimes/eventually apologize, but most of the time, even when it was right there in front of her face that she effed up, she still wouldn't apologize. I can't tell you how many arguments we got into because of that.



• Her unwillingness to care about anything that had to do with me. We actually got into an argument once because she NEVER asked how my day was. I asked her how her day was EVERY day, all the time. Even after I asked her, nothing from her. Her argument? "You tell me about it anyway, so why ask?"! I was like "I tell you about it because you NEVER ASK".



• Her medications. She's prescribed Klonopin for anxiety and some other drug for anxiety/depression. She only took Klonopin when she was REALLY anxious, but HAD to be on the other every day.



• Her aptitude to get pissed off at the drop of a hat. Not just at me, but friends (the few she had) and her family members, including her sons. She'd sometimes get texts from her sister and was REALLY pissed about the "tone" or whatever. I'd read it and couldn't for the life of me see what the hell she was talking about.



• Her lack of real friends. The only friends she has, are broken in their own ways. But she had tales upon tales of how friends effed her over, or friends that no longer wanted to hang with her, etc. Always the martyr.

Even now, as I write this, I simply can't believe I stayed for as long as I did. I feel stupid, naive. Angry. But I've come to terms as to why I stayed.

My self-confidence was SHATTERED after my knowledge of my impending divorce. In late February of 2013, it was a mutual decision between my ex-wife and I that we part ways. It was very amicable. At that point, anyway. In the beginning of March of 2013, I went on a service call to the location where my BPDx works. Now, I had known her for about 10 years already, up to this point. Not great friends, but had been to her branch several times and we had several conversations. I was there for awhile and, after hearing about my impending divorce, asked me (and her boss, who declined) to go out for drinks afterwards. And that was the beginning. Another red flag just occurred to me! She claimed she didn't know I was "getting divorced" but thought I was already divorced when she asked me for drinks. However, her boss clearly remembers me saying that I was "getting divorced". I now wonder if she heard me correctly, but swooped in for easy prey? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Because it's one of things I feel. I feel like I was used. Manipulated. Like I was a soft piece of clay and she tried to mold me to fit her lifestyle. Back to why I stayed. I gave this little background because it has a lot to do with why I stayed. My marriage was an unfulfilling one. Had been that way for years. The BPDx knew this from our previous conversations. When we first got together, everything was pretty good. Very intense. Sex was great. Chemistry was there. Liked a lot of the same things, liked a lot of the same shows, movies, comedy, sense of humor, etc. I think I was so starved for attention and was finally getting it, for the first time in many years, that I just took to it like a fish to water. I was lonely, I was needy, I was desperate, I was hurting and she was the oasis in my Sahara desert of these emotions.

Just writing this feels so much better. Thank you for being an outlet for this. I feel better knowing the mistakes I made and am doing my very best to chalk this up to a learning experience. Knowing why I stayed, why I went back and why I feel the way I feel now.

Any comments are most welcome. Thanks again!

[dagwoodbowser]

Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.

Hey Irish Pride. Your post strikes a very familiar chord, almost every pattern of self-destruction, but especially her telling me she was "broken." This bit of info was spilled out to me a few times early on almost as though it was some sort of Disclosure or Buyer Beware Notice, but at that time I didnt give it much importance. It wasn't until I was already well tenderized and prepped and head over heels by the extreme Idealization 3 months into r/s she told me that she her diagnosis. Thereafter, I was a drooling idiot that ignored red flag after red flag. Like part of me was in some sort of dream state? I saw and acknowledged all the destructive behaviors she was doing, saying and I just flicked it off as some sort of nuisance to me. The way "I" allowed her to treat me.

So, this particular post has me majorly triggered. There are times I want to kick myself for totally and completely being so malleable and weak minded, not setting boundaries not only on her, but myself. What makes it worse for me is that I did multiple recycles and time and again I feel for the same routines, lies and games.

This time I am staying in N/C. I cant change the past, but I can make sure I dont get snagged again.

[dobie]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

[Irish Pride]

Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.

Hey Irish Pride. Your post strikes a very familiar chord, almost every pattern of self-destruction, but especially her telling me she was "broken." This bit of info was spilled out to me a few times early on almost as though it was some sort of Disclosure or Buyer Beware Notice, but at that time I didnt give it much importance. It wasn't until I was already well tenderized and prepped and head over heels by the extreme Idealization 3 months into r/s she told me that she her diagnosis. Thereafter, I was a drooling idiot that ignored red flag after red flag. Like part of me was in some sort of dream state? I saw and acknowledged all the destructive behaviors she was doing, saying and I just flicked it off as some sort of nuisance to me. The way "I" allowed her to treat me.

So, this particular post has me majorly triggered. There are times I want to kick myself for totally and completely being so malleable and weak minded, not setting boundaries not only on her, but myself. What makes it worse for me is that I did multiple recycles and time and again I feel for the same routines, lies and games.

This time I am staying in N/C. I cant change the past, but I can make sure I dont get snagged again.

Same here, Dagwood. All of her "disclosures" about being "broken" and having a "black heart" came early on in the relationship. Almost as if to say "if you stay after this, I'm not responsible for what happens". However, after more time had passed, it got completely turned around. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, was her fault. I did the same thing. Multiple recycles, which COMPLETELY goes against my grain. I've never been like that before. I've always been one to just move on if a relationship didn't work. That's why I was so bloody buggered by this one. Couldn't understand, for the life of me, why I stayed and, even worse, kept going back!

Good for you. It really is the best way. With mine, she knows EXACTLY what strings to pull and what to say to get me back.

[Irish Pride]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie... .your story rings VERY similar to mine. Nearly everything you listed was also a deal with her.

The only thing we can do is take this as a major life lesson. Learn about the disorder, mark and remember it, move on and try not to be so cynical about future relationships. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. The biggest thing I learned from this is to trust my heart... .trust my gut. If something feels out of place, move on.

[dobie]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie... .your story rings VERY similar to mine. Nearly everything you listed was also a deal with her.

The only thing we can do is take this as a major life lesson. Learn about the disorder, mark and remember it, move on and try not to be so cynical about future relationships. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. The biggest thing I learned from this is to trust my heart... .trust my gut. If something feels out of place, move on.

Irish from day one I felt something was not right , she was everything I wanted on paper at the time though so I sort of made a square fit an oblong box .

Others said the same who knew her they said she was draining and felt something was not right , something was missing

[Irish Pride]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie... .your story rings VERY similar to mine. Nearly everything you listed was also a deal with her.

The only thing we can do is take this as a major life lesson. Learn about the disorder, mark and remember it, move on and try not to be so cynical about future relationships. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. The biggest thing I learned from this is to trust my heart... .trust my gut. If something feels out of place, move on.

Irish from day one I felt something was not right , she was everything I wanted on paper at the time though so I sort of made a square fit an oblong box .

Others said the same who knew her they said she was draining and felt something was not right , something was missing

Same here. I actually have friends, who've met her, that told me they'd disown me if I ever went back with her. Nobody in my family liked her. I had one friend, who after meeting her for the first time on a camping trip, told me to RUN, not walk away after she got pissed at me and called me a fking a$$hole in front of him. They all saw what I simply didn't. But, love is blind, hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to view a situation objectively when you're not caught in the middle of the shytestorm.

I was desperate. Desperate for love, for affection, for attention, for a fulfilling sex life and I let my desires get the better of me. I hit the unlucky jackpot. We can only live and learn.

[dobie]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie... .your story rings VERY similar to mine. Nearly everything you listed was also a deal with her.

The only thing we can do is take this as a major life lesson. Learn about the disorder, mark and remember it, move on and try not to be so cynical about future relationships. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. The biggest thing I learned from this is to trust my heart... .trust my gut. If something feels out of place, move on.

Irish from day one I felt something was not right , she was everything I wanted on paper at the time though so I sort of made a square fit an oblong box .

Others said the same who knew her they said she was draining and felt something was not right , something was missing

Same here. I actually have friends, who've met her, that told me they'd disown me if I ever went back with her. Nobody in my family liked her. I had one friend, who after meeting her for the first time on a camping trip, told me to RUN, not walk away after she got pissed at me and called me a fking a$$hole in front of him. They all saw what I simply didn't. But, love is blind, hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to view a situation objectively when you're not caught in the middle of the shytestorm.

I was desperate. Desperate for love, for affection, for attention, for a fulfilling sex life and I let my desires get the better of me. I hit the unlucky jackpot. We can only live and learn.

My bro said the same he has no compassion for her at all BPD or not

That's the rub Irish we still need those things but in my case I need to work on me getting most of those needs met within .

My trust and energy is low and my wound deep so I know I'm not in the right mind to be with a woman though I desperately want to be loved , held told I mean something

[Dunder]

• Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.



• Her telling me she just wanted to be "spoiled". Said she deserved it after all the crap she's gone through, both in life and past relationships.



• Her telling about about how bad her childhood was. How awful her mother was, how bad her father was. How she was "disowned" from her family. How her cousin raped her at a young age, how her father went to rehab for crack addiction. Her growing up in bars.



• Me asking why she liked everything black (she wore black, her hair was black, her car was black, etc) and her response was that she had a "black heart". Later on, she of course backtracked and said she was only kidding. Said it just matched everything. Now I wonder.



• Her lies about how much she had to drink.



• Her unwillingness to apologize for anything she did. She would, sometimes/eventually apologize, but most of the time, even when it was right there in front of her face that she effed up, she still wouldn't apologize. I can't tell you how many arguments we got into because of that.



• Her unwillingness to care about anything that had to do with me. We actually got into an argument once because she NEVER asked how my day was. I asked her how her day was EVERY day, all the time. Even after I asked her, nothing from her. Her argument? "You tell me about it anyway, so why ask?"! I was like "I tell you about it because you NEVER ASK".



• Her medications. She's prescribed Klonopin for anxiety and some other drug for anxiety/depression. She only took Klonopin when she was REALLY anxious, but HAD to be on the other every day.



• Her aptitude to get pissed off at the drop of a hat. Not just at me, but friends (the few she had) and her family members, including her sons. She'd sometimes get texts from her sister and was REALLY pissed about the "tone" or whatever. I'd read it and couldn't for the life of me see what the hell she was talking about.



• Her lack of real friends. The only friends she has, are broken in their own ways. But she had tales upon tales of how friends effed her over, or friends that no longer wanted to hang with her, etc. Always the martyr.

Even now, as I write this, I simply can't believe I stayed for as long as I did. I feel stupid, naive. Angry. But I've come to terms as to why I stayed.

I was there for awhile and, after hearing about my impending divorce, asked me (and her boss, who declined) to go out for drinks afterwards. And that was the beginning. Another red flag just occurred to me! She claimed she didn't know I was "getting divorced" but thought I was already divorced when she asked me for drinks. However, her boss clearly remembers me saying that I was "getting divorced". I now wonder if she heard me correctly, but swooped in for easy prey? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Because it's one of things I feel. I feel like I was used. Manipulated. Like I was a soft piece of clay and she tried to mold me to fit her lifestyle. Back to why I stayed. I gave this little background because it has a lot to do with why I stayed. My marriage was an unfulfilling one. Had been that way for years. The BPDx knew this from our previous conversations.

I was lonely, I was needy, I was desperate, I was hurting and she was the oasis in my Sahara desert of these emotions.

IrishPride, I've quoted above everything you mentioned that is relevant to my relationship with my EX. Here are all the red flags I missed, and that I've since kicked myself for being so obtuse. You'll see, the ego can blind all of us to what seems in hindsight to be ridiculously obvious.

1.  She always told me she was a broken woman, that she no longer had a heart, not a black heart, but that she didn't have a heart, that it had been broken so many times there wasn't anything left.

2. She clearly had a trauma involving her father in her past. She constantly railed against her father as "abusive" toward her, but she rarely elaborated. I never wanted to pry too much since it was obvious a very painful subject for her but maybe I should've in retrospect. She also despised her sister and blamed her mother for not protecting her from him, and not taking her side in familial disputes.

3. She continues to live at home at the age of 37, was never married, and is a very physically attractive woman. Men constantly show interest in her so that fact that she never got hitched even once is instructive.

4. She would burst into tears without warning and say, "I'm so tired." The implication was that she was tired of life and living and told me she didn't want to live for more than another 5 or 10 years max.

5. Our relationship never got sexual, always stayed a friendship, because I was (am) married with a daughter and I wouldn't enter into a sexual affair with her but it was definitely an emotional affair. Anyway, I travel abroad for work and the first time I met her we spoke over the course of 4 days. She knew I was married, but sensed I was bored in the marriage. She came very hard after me as soon as I returned home. I was inundated with email, text messages and FB messages.

6. Because I was bored in my marriage, I entertained her interest in me and started to fall romantically for her. What can I say, I screwed up.  But she was very perceptive that I wasn't happy in my marriage even though I never told her that. I always wore my wedding band and talked at length about what my wife, daughter and I were up to. She was never deterred.  

7. She never asked me how I was doing. That bothered me a lot too. It was always about her. One time I complained that she lacked compassion for me and she exploded on me.  "What about compassion for me?," she exclaimed.

8. The only times she ever apologized was when I tried to end the relationship.

9. I never met any of her friends but I knew some of her coworkers. I thought they were friends out of work too, but then I found out they weren't and that she was occasionally critical of them. She claimed she had a lot of really close friends but I could only name a couple and they never came around much.

10. She was on anti-anxiety meds as well.

11. She had gotten in trouble at work for drinking. She didn't drink that much when I knew her but she had a past of drinking.

12. Explosive temper

These 12 things above are only the traits that I have found in common with what you saw in your EX. She also exhibited some of the classic BPD traits such as an extreme fear of abandonment. She would text me at all hours of the day. We accumulated more than 20,000 text messages over an 8 month period. She would get very angry if I didn't text her good morning and good night every day. And remember, we were supposedly just friends. We never slept together, we never had any physical contact at all and the great myth of our relationship was that we were just friends. But then she would tell me how she fantasized about doing it with me and how someday we could be together, really inappropriate crap to tell a married man, and then a few minutes later tell me about some guy she was hot for. This was obviously an attempt to manipulate me or at least make me feel like crap. When I did finally muster the courage to end the relationship, she flipped out for two days and then has since completely disappeared. The last things she said to me sounded like she had lost the love of her life, but I've seen since on FB that only days after we split, she's picked up her life and moved on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I ended it, but I feel like I got dumped!  

[Dunder]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie, Almost everything on your list was true for my EX but one thing really jumped out at me and that is the put-downs. Forget compliments, she really had fun needling me all the time. At first, I thought it was just playful and harmless stuff but over time I realized there was a mean edge to a lot of it. Like she was trying to always take me down a peg, but when I would call her on it, she'd claim she was just joking. She'd tell me everyone in her lovely family likes to needle people this way. I now see it for what it was. She needed to tear me down because she had such a low self image, but at the time it was very hurtful.

[dobie]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie, Almost everything on your list was true for my EX but one thing really jumped out at me and that is the put-downs. Forget compliments, she really had fun needling me all the time. At first, I thought it was just playful and harmless stuff but over time I realized there was a mean edge to a lot of it. Like she was trying to always take me down a peg, but when I would call her on it, she'd claim she was just joking. She'd tell me everyone in her lovely family likes to needle people this way. I now see it for what it was. She needed to tear me down because she had such a low self image, but at the time it was very hurtful.

It was not out right put downs for me rather you never or you always

Say I put the washing out that was wrong etc

It was really more resentment with her than criticism I will give her that at least

Just before we broke up she was moaning about when she got up at 2am to make me some eggs six damm years ago !

[Irish Pride]

• Her telling me she was "broken", when she was drunk. Bawling about it.



• Her telling me she just wanted to be "spoiled". Said she deserved it after all the crap she's gone through, both in life and past relationships.



• Her telling about about how bad her childhood was. How awful her mother was, how bad her father was. How she was "disowned" from her family. How her cousin raped her at a young age, how her father went to rehab for crack addiction. Her growing up in bars.



• Me asking why she liked everything black (she wore black, her hair was black, her car was black, etc) and her response was that she had a "black heart". Later on, she of course backtracked and said she was only kidding. Said it just matched everything. Now I wonder.



• Her lies about how much she had to drink.



• Her unwillingness to apologize for anything she did. She would, sometimes/eventually apologize, but most of the time, even when it was right there in front of her face that she effed up, she still wouldn't apologize. I can't tell you how many arguments we got into because of that.



• Her unwillingness to care about anything that had to do with me. We actually got into an argument once because she NEVER asked how my day was. I asked her how her day was EVERY day, all the time. Even after I asked her, nothing from her. Her argument? "You tell me about it anyway, so why ask?"! I was like "I tell you about it because you NEVER ASK".



• Her medications. She's prescribed Klonopin for anxiety and some other drug for anxiety/depression. She only took Klonopin when she was REALLY anxious, but HAD to be on the other every day.



• Her aptitude to get pissed off at the drop of a hat. Not just at me, but friends (the few she had) and her family members, including her sons. She'd sometimes get texts from her sister and was REALLY pissed about the "tone" or whatever. I'd read it and couldn't for the life of me see what the hell she was talking about.



• Her lack of real friends. The only friends she has, are broken in their own ways. But she had tales upon tales of how friends effed her over, or friends that no longer wanted to hang with her, etc. Always the martyr.

Even now, as I write this, I simply can't believe I stayed for as long as I did. I feel stupid, naive. Angry. But I've come to terms as to why I stayed.

I was there for awhile and, after hearing about my impending divorce, asked me (and her boss, who declined) to go out for drinks afterwards. And that was the beginning. Another red flag just occurred to me! She claimed she didn't know I was "getting divorced" but thought I was already divorced when she asked me for drinks. However, her boss clearly remembers me saying that I was "getting divorced". I now wonder if she heard me correctly, but swooped in for easy prey? I know it shouldn't matter, but it does. Because it's one of things I feel. I feel like I was used. Manipulated. Like I was a soft piece of clay and she tried to mold me to fit her lifestyle. Back to why I stayed. I gave this little background because it has a lot to do with why I stayed. My marriage was an unfulfilling one. Had been that way for years. The BPDx knew this from our previous conversations.

I was lonely, I was needy, I was desperate, I was hurting and she was the oasis in my Sahara desert of these emotions.

IrishPride, I've quoted above everything you mentioned that is relevant to my relationship with my EX. Here are all the red flags I missed, and that I've since kicked myself for being so obtuse. You'll see, the ego can blind all of us to what seems in hindsight to be ridiculously obvious.

1.  She always told me she was a broken woman, that she no longer had a heart, not a black heart, but that she didn't have a heart, that it had been broken so many times there wasn't anything left.

2. She clearly had a trauma involving her father in her past. She constantly railed against her father as "abusive" toward her, but she rarely elaborated. I never wanted to pry too much since it was obvious a very painful subject for her but maybe I should've in retrospect. She also despised her sister and blamed her mother for not protecting her from him, and not taking her side in familial disputes.

3. She continues to live at home at the age of 37, was never married, and is a very physically attractive woman. Men constantly show interest in her so that fact that she never got hitched even once is instructive.

4. She would burst into tears without warning and say, "I'm so tired." The implication was that she was tired of life and living and told me she didn't want to live for more than another 5 or 10 years max.

5. Our relationship never got sexual, always stayed a friendship, because I was (am) married with a daughter and I wouldn't enter into a sexual affair with her but it was definitely an emotional affair. Anyway, I travel abroad for work and the first time I met her we spoke over the course of 4 days. She knew I was married, but sensed I was bored in the marriage. She came very hard after me as soon as I returned home. I was inundated with email, text messages and FB messages.

6. Because I was bored in my marriage, I entertained her interest in me and started to fall romantically for her. What can I say, I screwed up.  But she was very perceptive that I wasn't happy in my marriage even though I never told her that. I always wore my wedding band and talked at length about what my wife, daughter and I were up to. She was never deterred.  

7. She never asked me how I was doing. That bothered me a lot too. It was always about her. One time I complained that she lacked compassion for me and she exploded on me.  "What about compassion for me?," she exclaimed.

8. The only times she ever apologized was when I tried to end the relationship.

9. I never met any of her friends but I knew some of her coworkers. I thought they were friends out of work too, but then I found out they weren't and that she was occasionally critical of them. She claimed she had a lot of really close friends but I could only name a couple and they never came around much.

10. She was on anti-anxiety meds as well.

11. She had gotten in trouble at work for drinking. She didn't drink that much when I knew her but she had a past of drinking.

12. Explosive temper

These 12 things above are only the traits that I have found in common with what you saw in your EX. She also exhibited some of the classic BPD traits such as an extreme fear of abandonment. She would text me at all hours of the day. We accumulated more than 20,000 text messages over an 8 month period. She would get very angry if I didn't text her good morning and good night every day. And remember, we were supposedly just friends. We never slept together, we never had any physical contact at all and the great myth of our relationship was that we were just friends. But then she would tell me how she fantasized about doing it with me and how someday we could be together, really inappropriate crap to tell a married man, and then a few minutes later tell me about some guy she was hot for. This was obviously an attempt to manipulate me or at least make me feel like crap. When I did finally muster the courage to end the relationship, she flipped out for two days and then has since completely disappeared. The last things she said to me sounded like she had lost the love of her life, but I've seen since on FB that only days after we split, she's picked up her life and moved on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I ended it, but I feel like I got dumped!  

Your post reminded me of another red flag, Dunder. Jeez... .will they never end? 

I clearly remember a time, when she was "distraught" where she went over her friends house for the night, and while I texted her, not a single reply.

However, when I was over a friends house during one of our "spats", she texted me and was quite pissed the next day when I hadn't replied to her. I brought up the similarities, but she was having NONE of it. She couldn't understand why I couldn't take "a few seconds of your time" and text her back. To which I said "Fair enough... .but why is it such a deal? Why didnt you?". Her response? "I was busy".

Yeah... .

It almost, at times, seemed like a mission from her to make me feel like complete and utter shyte. I now know why, but, right now, it doesn't make it any less painful.

At least we both know what the deal is now. For me, I could never "close" the relationship because I had no bloody clue what was going on, why things happened they way they did, etc. Now I know. And true knowledge of a situation is truly the first step to healing.

[Irish Pride]

Wow Irish I feel for you bro sounds like you had your work cut out mine was high functioning but here's my list seems there's similarities

° her lack of lasting friends and friendships

° her addmitance she used her last bf for security spent three years with a guy she had no intention to marry and stopped fancying after a few weeks

° her feelings people will leave or abandon her that she can't trust anyone

° her asking her bf at the time to invite me to her bday party because she wanted me

° her chasing me even though I was with another woman at the time

° me breaking up with her early on and her not letting me telling me "she feels we are meant to be "

° her lack of empathy if I was I'll but the reverse that I was expected to play nurse for her

° her over sensitivity to friends she would rage if a friend did not text back in a day or less

° her lack of ideas beliefs always just taking on mine

° her early mirroring and infatuation

° her victim mentality in work , life , r/s everything

° her intense emotions her need to control

° anxious and low mood most of the time

° paranoia

° her alcoholic former crack head of a father and distant selfish mother who both openly favoured her younger sister her unhappy childhood

° her difficulty apologising

° her anger at being told she had an anger problem when she was at school

° her lack of interest in me or my problems even the thought of my disabled father dying was turned round so she would be the martyr as "no doubt I would quit my job and leave her to pay the bills from grief "

° her using me till she had what she needed and felt she could leave push/pull

° over sensitivity and argumentative

° her lack of object constancy

° her irratiation if I had to leave for a few days with work or spend time with friends but the reverse if it was her friends or work

° passive aggressive behaviours to get out of doing something as simple as making me a cup of coffee but would expect me to fetch her drinks pick her up from work etc

° put downs and contempt made to feel like I couldn't do something so she needed to do it for me

° withholding of sex as soon as she moved in and my x gf was out of the picture

Dobie, Almost everything on your list was true for my EX but one thing really jumped out at me and that is the put-downs. Forget compliments, she really had fun needling me all the time. At first, I thought it was just playful and harmless stuff but over time I realized there was a mean edge to a lot of it. Like she was trying to always take me down a peg, but when I would call her on it, she'd claim she was just joking. She'd tell me everyone in her lovely family likes to needle people this way. I now see it for what it was. She needed to tear me down because she had such a low self image, but at the time it was very hurtful.

It was not out right put downs for me rather you never or you always

Say I put the washing out that was wrong etc

It was really more resentment with her than criticism I will give her that at least

Just before we broke up she was moaning about when she got up at 2am to make me some eggs six damm years ago !

Ahh... .the put-downs. I also recall a time where, in the midst of a completely neutral, innocuous discussion, I mentioned when I was younger, how much I wanted to be in a band. A singer. But, luckily, I chose a path that was more suited for me. Her response? "Yeah... .I heard you sing.". No BS. It didn't even phase her to say stuff like that ALL the time. I seriously couldn't believe she said what she said. Now I can.