Why did they stay?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As usual, I am going about a task and, while the frequency has dropped significantly, a question will pop into my head about our relationship. Almost all of the questions I see posed here revolve around why they left us, why they sought a replacement, did they love us etc.

So I thought it would be interesting to flip the script and ask "why did they stay?" I won't elaborate on this one because I honestly don't have the answer. I am not wealthy and as some may know, while I always covered our bills ( 100% for a couple of years and then 75% for the following 1 3/4 years) but between child support etc. it certainly wasn't living la vida loca, going on vacations, eating out every night. Some serious career set backs that made things complicated but I still covered the bills and more, even though at that 75% mark she was in a new job and starting to make some decent money.

In other words, she was no gold digger. So why did she stay for 4 years? She had orbiters, some options, although complicated.

Why did your ex stay, as long as they did?

[LimboFL]

As usual, I am going about a task and, while the frequency has dropped significantly, a question will pop into my head about our relationship. Almost all of the questions I see posed here revolve around why they left us, why they sought a replacement, did they love us etc.

So I thought it would be interesting to flip the script and ask "why did they stay?" I won't elaborate on this one because I honestly don't have the answer. I am not wealthy and as some may know, while I always covered our bills ( 100% for a couple of years and then 75% for the following 1 3/4 years) but between child support etc. it certainly wasn't living la vida loca, going on vacations, eating out every night. Some serious career set backs that made things complicated but I still covered the bills and more, even though at that 75% mark she was in a new job and starting to make some decent money.

In other words, she was no gold digger. So why did she stay for 4 years? She had orbiters, some options, although complicated.

Why did your ex stay, as long as they did?

[confusedwoman]

This is a great question to ask. I dated mine for four years with a few very brief separations. I think the reasons will vary from person to person, but I think my ex didn't leave sooner largely because of the attention I gave him. He told me that I made him feel wanted. (Nevermind the fact that that was what I was looking for in return). I provided support and companionship, and was a built in date for weddings, events, holiday gatherings. I cooked for him, bought gifts, asked him about his day. I was probably fooled by some things he said or did, so perhaps I unknowingly allowed him to get away with unquestionable stuff, and I'm sure if that's the case, that would have been a reason for him to stick around. I kissed him and told him I loved him and held him when he slept and although it became more infrequent, our sex was still mostly good.

To be fair, a couple of these probably counted as my own reasons for staying, and can be justifiable reasons for many people to stay in a relationship... .who doesn't want support and companionship and someone to sleep next to? I think the difference here is the willingness to take advantage of it all until they don't want to anymore.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Good question, Limbo.  Why he stayed:

1.  He loved me.  :)isordered though it may have been.

2.  I am smart (tho apparently not so smart I couldn't be manipulated)

3.  Great, fun, kinky orgasms.  (let's face it... .without that neither of us would have stayed)

4.  He liked my happy go lucky spirit

5.  He felt safe around me because I am not judgmental (nor discerning enough, in this case)

6.  We didn't live together so I was a welcome reprieve from the rest of his miserable life

7.  He didn't have to do much other than show up.  

8.  He liked my money (while very limited, it was more than he had, and I shared it to a fault)

9.  I bought him food

10. I am a terrific problem-solver so helped him with many of his

11. He was so smart and funny, I hung on his every word (including all the BS explanations for his BS behavior) and laughed a lot.  I think it feels good to make the people we love laugh.

12. He said I was his only friend.  The only person he really talked to (which, of course, is indicative of a problem).

13. I was the promise and face of a better future.  He just couldn't get away from the past.  Or his gazillion crises.  Or his uBPD.  

All of that is true.  But when push comes to shove, without the money and the orgasms, I don't think he would have stayed

[tortuga]

I have no idea why she stayed. Seriously - no freaking idea.

[Infared]

I am far from perfect, but I had a lot to offer. If I do not think this then nobody else will.

I am a decent looking guy, was in shape, was sensitive and a listener. I worked hard, although when we met I did not have much money. I was still her white knight, though.

I ended up getting a very good job and worked very hard to provide for us as we moved in together.  I really showed up in the relationship and was a part of both of her families (parents divorced and remarried). There was a lot there to like. Too bad she was so damaged and could not like herself and she somehow had to blame that on me. She has so many great qualities, but she is a vey conflicted and confused humane being. That ended up causing me a lot of pain because I invested so much into this fractured person.

Someone who cannot love themselves cannot love someone else. Not long term. It's just need. Not love. Hard to see that when you are in the thick of it... .especially if the person has a personality disorder. I just did not know about that when I was in it.

[downwhim]

Why did he stay 8 years:

1. He said I had a great sense of humor and made him laugh

2. We were sexually attracted to one another and had an active sex life.

3.  We both loved to travel, tan, experience new places, eat at different types of restaurants, shop etc... .

4.  I was good to his children and made them feel loved.

5.  I have a dog that is too cute for words and is my best friend. He loved her too.

6.  We both like to get up early and have coffee together.

7.  He had someone to talk to about his day, issues, elderly parents etc... .

8.  He had someone to dream about the future with.

9.  He had an active social life with me when he wanted it as his life is quiet.

10. He had someone to take to the movies and to HR.

11.  I paid my way so he did not have to worry about me financially.

12.  He likes to have someone by his side and it was me.

13. He likes to bbq and cook, I was his biggest fan.

I guess that is some of why he stayed. I would like to think it was because he loved me too but what is love to BPD?

[Beach_Babe]

Desperate. Could not do any better.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Desperate. Could not do any better.

I bet there was more to it than that, more to you than that, Beach Babe. 

[going places]

Why did your ex stay, as long as they did?

1. Image. The 'good dad' image he worked so hard into fooling everyone to believe.

2. Appearance. The 'christian husband' image he worked so hard to fool everyone.

3. Did NOT want to be 'the bad guy' (something that was ALWAYS me)

4. Did not want to pay child support.

5. Thought he could "have his cake and eat it too" (actually said that to me)

6. He has never lived on his own. Went from daddy's to me... .so never paid a bill, never lived on his own.

He actually thought that the phone bill / light bill was included in the mortgage... .wanted to know where "all the money was going". When I showed him the bills, he was blown away that the lights and phone were not included in the mortgage.

7. He is lazy. He liked me doing everything, and him doing little to nothing.

8. He had complete control of me. After he damaged me with his affair and me finding out about his addiction, he didn't want to be with 'damaged goods' (IE: I could not fawn over him, make him the center of the universe, revolve the world around him). He was done with me, while with me (lying to me the whole time) while looking for a new supply... .

9. He is evil.

10. He is evil.

[valet]

1. Love: I loved her and she loved me. I watched her struggle in the last 5 months, more than I can possibly even imagine, for our relationship. But she thought that her sadness was one of those things that we can't explain. I thought this was odd at the time, but there was no use forcing her. I mentioned therapy a few times as a possibility, but she always thought that it would be pointless. She didn't admit to me that she actually felt clinically depressed until she broke up with me, but she still hasn't sought help.

I could sense how desperate she was when she began to tell me that her feelings were changing, and she just had no explanation for it. Nothing in the relationship dynamic changed. We were very good for each other. All she could say was 'I don't know why this is happening to me' about her ongoing misery and depression. Unfortunately, exiting the relationship was the only thing that she could do. I think that it was one of many possible right decisions for her at the time, although therapy is obviously the only long-term solution for her.

2. Me: I'd consider myself a very understanding and supporting partner. I'm attractive, smart, and would say that my future is bright if I am able to work hard enough and take advantage of my opportunities. I loved the heck out of her and did everything within my power to add something special to her life. This again, would feed back into her feelings of guilt and obligation.

3. Dreams and the future: Definitely further guilt and obligation here, but we are both very worldly people. We love to travel, learn new languages, and are on similar career paths. A real future would have been practical and I don't think that our ambitions together were too big. We both want kids. We both don't understand the concept or institution of marriage. I get on great with her family and her with mine. Lots of shared goals and views on life, and pretty much everything. Really, I think, even in hindsight, that we were one of those dream team, future power couple kind of relationships. But oh well!

4. Work: I took a job that I wasn't overly enthusiastic about (it is a temporary situation—both of us leave in the summer—but part of a longer term plan) to move to another country with her for the year, and I believe that this made her feel guilty in the long run.

5. Friends: Again, more obligation and guilt. All of our close mutual friends (about 10-20) are shared. This was the case before the relationship, and it will be the case in the future. No one has taken sides; I'm thankful for the maturity that everyone has shown about this. I think that she didn't want to cause a ruckus or make things awkward in the future. This is the least important reason to me, but it is still a reason.

[DyingLove]

Desperate. Could not do any better.

Dear Beach_Babe.  You are so very hard on yourself. Try not to be. I think you are a fantastic woman and the evidence all points in the direction that he was definitely not the right person for you. He does not deserve you in the least. He has manipulated you for his own recreation and while you are experiencing all the bad emotions and frustrations you will eventually come above this. I have the utmost faith in you and always will.   

[ShadowIntheNight]

You know, given everything, I have no idea why she stayed, and based on all I know, I have absolutely no idea why she left. Maybe she does. But I doubt that even since she gave no reason.

[LimboFL]

Wow Valet, I have kept quiet because I don't really have an answer to my own question. But reading your explanation is even more difficult than thinking about what I lost. You clearly had so much going for your relationship. I can't say that my relationship did. There were so many things that y ex and I had in common but there were so many complications from the beginning.

I pulled my ex out of a deep hole of addiction and financial hardship and just continued to help despite having career issues of my own. As a result we didn't get to do the things we had wanted to do, but I could have given more financially if she had helped me more.

Anyway, not going to rehash my story. I just wanted to note how difficult it was to read how in tune you both were to each other and that you were robbed of it. It is comforting to hear that you are able to express all of that in a calm and sane way. The fact that you share friends, also very hard. Fortunately I only met a couple of her friends, her dealer (nice guy), a crazy teacher, another crazy friend that I suspect was a back up dealer and then a bartender lady, who seemed a little strange herself. I never connected with any of them to the point of wanting to hang with them. All of my friends are spread around the country and globe so she only met one who came into town at the beginning of the relationship and while he ever said anything to me, he never would, I don't think he was terribly impressed. The point is that, fortunately, I have no tentacles to cut or any possibility of running into anyone who was a link.

I am deeply sorry that you lost that relationship, Valet. Very happy that you are able to speak of it the way you did. Confidence inspiring.

[dobie]

Need and infatuation that's it once those both went so did she

I think in a lot of ways I remind her of her father at least the worst parts of me (cringe)