Once your painted black?

[runningup]

I have a question, once the X-BPD has cheated, and moved in with their new BF, and painted me the darkest shade of BLACK possible (even when you did nothing wrong), whats the potential for that to change?

[drummerboy]

Conventional wisdom in here is that nothing will change until the new r/s goes belly up at which time she MAY establish contact with you again but it will be all about HER needs. it will have nothing to do with anything she feels for you. IMO, pray that you stay black so that you'll never have her in your life again and if you secretly wish she would contact you, ask yourself why you feel that way for someone that is incapable of a loving, giving adult relationship.

I have a question, once the X-BPD has cheated, and moved in with their new BF, and painted me the darkest shade of BLACK possible (even when you did nothing wrong), whats the potential for that to change?

[Infared]

I agree with drummer boy, as my experience was similar. Mine painted me blacker than black and ran off and moved in with new shiny knight. When she contacted me she did so strictly to satisfy needs of her own. (I really cannot get a grip on what those needs were by the ugly way she was treating me). She most certainly did not understand, or care to understand my feelings. It was all about her.  She was smug, vindictive and cruel and seemed to get enjoyment from her words, treatment and actions. I did not recognize this person and was longing for the woman that I "thought" I had in my life.

Initially (I was in such shock), I tried to make nice, convince and attempt to get her back... .but I realized, with the help of a therapist, that this was not healthy for me... .and as sick as it felt at the time, I had to begin to protect myself from this person, and begin to love me. There was nothing there for me but pain and I had to accept that to get healthy.  Twisted stuff.

[Mutt]

What I've learned is that a pwBPD emotionally collapse if you're in the role of persecutor for a substantial amount of time and it's a persecution complex. I also didn't understand that she emotionally merges with someone because she scared and afraid of the world and projects her negative aspects and splits herself a she splits the world and people too.

I didn't have an understanding of the behaviors and dynamics in the r/s and that I was dealing with mental illness. I became increasingly frustrated with her behaviors because it seemed like the push / pull gaps were seemingly becoming closer together and more intense.

I have read different accounts where a person was split black with little to no indicator as to why. In my case I became defensive and angry and fought back thinking that if I said things louder I would be heard.

She has an unstable sense of self and I was an attachment and my anger became a trigger for her. She would be emotionally dysregulated for long lengths of times and couldn't return to her emotional baseline. She was not coping and I wasn't either. I didn't understand.  That being said, I also triggered her fear of abandonment and it could of happened at anytime for whatever reason.

One take is that you meant something to that person when you're split black. I have become a source of pain for her.

[runningup]

Given she has painted me so black, and has refused contact, and is now living with the person that she cheated on me with (white knight) I suspect your right that the only way she might re-engage is if something goes wrong with the current situation for HER.

In any of the contact we have had over the past 2 mths, its always been about her, her needs, her wants, there has never been any concern for my welfare or how I am feeling, and definately no concern for how my step-son of 3 years is doing. I heard that she smacked him a lot in the first couple of days so he would stop talking about me.

I have woken very angry today, I am so upset at the whole thing, at what she did t my life. How its been flushed down the toilet.

[Infared]

Given she has painted me so black, and has refused contact, and is now living with the person that she cheated on me with (white knight) I suspect your right that the only way she might re-engage is if something goes wrong with the current situation for HER.

In any of the contact we have had over the past 2 mths, its always been about her, her needs, her wants, there has never been any concern for my welfare or how I am feeling, and definately no concern for how my step-son of 3 years is doing. I heard that she smacked him a lot in the first couple of days so he would stop talking about me.

I have woken very angry today, I am so upset at the whole thing, at what she did t my life. How its been flushed down the toilet.

Your anger could be healthy and motivating for you. At any rate it is a healthy part of the grieving process when directed and processed appropriately.  Chances are that you did not deserve this kind of treatment or upheaval in your life and as the depression starts to lift anger will come up and it can be vital to redirect your life. Take care of you. She certainly isn't going to. Tough stuff, but  anger can be necessary to see clearly.

[Mutt]

Given she has painted me so black, and has refused contact, and is now living with the person that she cheated on me with (white knight) I suspect your right that the only way she might re-engage is if something goes wrong with the current situation for HER.

In any of the contact we have had over the past 2 mths, its always been about her, her needs, her wants, there has never been any concern for my welfare or how I am feeling, and definately no concern for how my step-son of 3 years is doing. I heard that she smacked him a lot in the first couple of days so he would stop talking about me.

I have woken very angry today, I am so upset at the whole thing, at what she did t my life. How its been flushed down the toilet.

Infrared has good advice about anger and taking care of you. I'm sorry you're through this. She's moved in with the other man and you don't have control or are nearby your step-son of 3 years. As terrible as my marriage was I found solace that dad was there to protect the kids and they were also witnessing outbursts and divisive exchanges with mom and dad and it wasn't good for them either. You have empathy and sound worried about his welfare. Poor guy.

She's not showing sympathy or empathy for you with the pain that you're going through and its all about what she needs / wants. I can relate when my ex denied reasonable access to have visitation with our kids and would sometimes ask to borrow money to be with the other man and I was last in line when she was stuck for a sitter.

She was idealizing her boyfriend and he was also a replacement for dad and the kids were secondary. You've know your SS for three years. I'm sorry if I'm not familiar with the back story. How old is SS? What does she want and need from you?