Thinking of Breaking NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok, so I'm thinking of breaking no contact and messaging my suspected exBPD. I will say I'm going to get to the 3 months NC mark first which will happen soon. I will note that chances of a recycle are practically nil as we live in different countries now. Why this  whole ordeal happened was a REAL abandonment fear I think. And well it ended up being true, because she was the reason I was staying, when she discarded, my reason to remain went and here I am! the abandonment self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.

I will say my reasons for doing this are simply that I miss having her in my life, I must say even after 3 months my feelings haven't changed that much, although I'm doing fine getting on with my life! But, I still care about her and would like to be at least friends, not necessarily best buddies but at least on talking terms. She wasn't horrible to me like some on here, basically being distant followed by refusing to see me, and saying how bad I was. She never said goodbye before I left, cold as ice... .However, I can understand that basically all that she did was to protect herself and her emotions, she wasn't intentionally malicious.

My thinking is basically if she wants nothing to do with me, well I will know for certain I'm not wanted and will go NC again. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not contacting me because she feels bad about what she did!

So basically since I've gone NC, She has added my new number to her contacts on our last interaction(blocked the old one a week prior), 3 weeks later unblocked me on Facebook but did not ad me as a friend (why?), 2 months later liked my friends post on Facebook and wished him happy birthday (she has met him for a grand total of 1 time 6 months ago), and just recently added me then promptly blocking me on another app (I think I accidently sent a friend request 2 months previously )

Anyway, just wondering what opinions people have? Anyone have any success or failures with this approach? I know the advice is normally NC for life, but I think my exBPD isn't as toxic as a lot of ones I have read about here. Thanks!

[blackrazor]

Ok, so I'm thinking of breaking no contact and messaging my suspected exBPD. I will say I'm going to get to the 3 months NC mark first which will happen soon. I will note that chances of a recycle are practically nil as we live in different countries now. Why this  whole ordeal happened was a REAL abandonment fear I think. And well it ended up being true, because she was the reason I was staying, when she discarded, my reason to remain went and here I am! the abandonment self-fulfilling prophecy I guess.

I will say my reasons for doing this are simply that I miss having her in my life, I must say even after 3 months my feelings haven't changed that much, although I'm doing fine getting on with my life! But, I still care about her and would like to be at least friends, not necessarily best buddies but at least on talking terms. She wasn't horrible to me like some on here, basically being distant followed by refusing to see me, and saying how bad I was. She never said goodbye before I left, cold as ice... .However, I can understand that basically all that she did was to protect herself and her emotions, she wasn't intentionally malicious.

My thinking is basically if she wants nothing to do with me, well I will know for certain I'm not wanted and will go NC again. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not contacting me because she feels bad about what she did!

So basically since I've gone NC, She has added my new number to her contacts on our last interaction(blocked the old one a week prior), 3 weeks later unblocked me on Facebook but did not ad me as a friend (why?), 2 months later liked my friends post on Facebook and wished him happy birthday (she has met him for a grand total of 1 time 6 months ago), and just recently added me then promptly blocking me on another app (I think I accidently sent a friend request 2 months previously )

Anyway, just wondering what opinions people have? Anyone have any success or failures with this approach? I know the advice is normally NC for life, but I think my exBPD isn't as toxic as a lot of ones I have read about here. Thanks!

[hope2727]

Don't do it. Read other treads on here on the subject first. I am racing out the door but I can say that it never did me any good. It just let my ex feel justified and have power over me. It sets us back to day one and let me tell you I can't go back there again. Read and read and read the outcome of what they will say. PM me what you would write and I will translate it with an " English to BPD" dictionary. It will vindicate your ex and hurt you. Seriously don't do it.

Read these links on abuse and maybe it will give you strength. (Ignorre the gendered language the author addresses it in his first page.)

At least wait 24 hours and see how you feel.

Good luck and hugs.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Resources/warning_signs.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/counter_obsession.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/going_back.html

[blackrazor]

Thanks, had a look at those. I have to say, my exBPD didn't do any of the things on the abusive relationship list, except the hot and cold moods! I guess that is a good thing. Good point though, me breaking contact definitely gives her the power and validates her. Maybe I'm just trying to be the 'bigger person' whatever that means with a borderline I have no idea!

[DyingLove]

I thought a lot of the stuff on the "warning signs" sounded like me!  Okay, I went back to the list and now I gotta say that I was wrong.  There are maybe one or two that kinda hit home now... .but none of them (except the male friend choice) was ever true.  Is it possible, as I think about things, that I might actually BE THINKING FOR THE EX UNCONCIOUSLY?

Okay... .get a grip... .is it the living with the BPD and the abuse (as subtle as it might have been) possibly what caused me to see those things in myself?  It kinda reminds me of what she did- making me think I was wrong all the time until I stopped for a second and said:  WAIT A MINUTE!

On another note... .I didn't break contact... .but I sure came close to "something" just a while ago.  I was checking up on her in FB... .I know I should not have been.  I had to go thru another account to do so.  Believe me, I've been battling this urge for a couple of weeks at least.  Anyway, I didn't see anything except public stuff, nothing out of the ordinary... .I was looking thru her friends and I did see her brother. Her brother, IMHO, was VERY instrumental in our breakup.  He's got issues with everything and I know that he NEVER liked me from the start.  So give him a spark and it became an all out 3 alarm fire.  So when I saw his thumbnail, it triggered me.  I can just visualize a lot of stuff in my mind about him... .I wonder if he wasn't around (exist) would we have had these problems. I just answered that question to myself... .NO.  For certain what transpired would never have come to be.

So I'm super pissed at myself and I have to do something to counteract the "giving in" that I did.  I need some support here please... .I know I shouldn't have done it... .but I did.  Tell me this is all gonna go away.  I'm already 39 days N/C including today.  That's gotta count for something... .right?  Why do I keep giving her the power?   Damn I love her... .I know I do.

[valet]

Holy hell man!

I just read your original thread from a few months ago and my head almost exploded.

I didn't meet my uBPDex in a foreign country, but we moved to one together for about a year. She broke up with me almost exactly 3 months ago), and I went through almost the EXACT same experience, as far as her behavior was concerned. We had been together for 2 years and a few months, and we had future plans and all the jazz together, but oh well. That's the way she goes.

About breaking no contact: In this situation I wouldn't even consider it. You guys are in different places, doing different things. You can't have a real friendship with her right now, simply due to the distance. I also don't think that enough time has passed (that said, I don't know where you are in your healing, but if you still actively want to see her then you might not be ready for it).

Maybe if you absolutely HAD to be in the same places (for work, school, etc.) it would be wise to be cordial if you saw her in person, but I wouldn't go seeking a friendship. BPDs generally react negatively to this, or so I hear. That said, these are just some common patterns. I will probably end up pursuing a friendship with my ex if she can understand and the respect the fact that I will absolutely not date her again. But who knows, eh?

Best luck in whatever choice you make!

[Heldfast]

There is a reason we close the door, lock it, and throw away the key, and that is for our own protection. Don't walk passed that door and suddenly believe there is something good for you in there. Or, as my friend's grandmother once told him after he went back to an ex the family hated (stay with it, it's a cute story): "You know, when it's fresh, poop looks bad, smells bad, and you wouldn't even think of touching it, you want to wash your hands right away. But then you pass by it some time later, and the smell is gone, and you've forgotten it was poop... .so you start thinking maybe it's something good, maybe it's chocolate. So you want to try it again. So you walk over to it, pick it up, and just as you've had that little taste of it again, you're reminded it's poop."

[blackrazor]

Holy hell man!

I just read your original thread from a few months ago and my head almost exploded.

I didn't meet my uBPDex in a foreign country, but we moved to one together for about a year. She broke up with me almost exactly 3 months ago), and I went through almost the EXACT same experience, as far as her behavior was concerned. We had been together for 2 years and a few months, and we had future plans and all the jazz together, but oh well. That's the way she goes.

About breaking no contact: In this situation I wouldn't even consider it. You guys are in different places, doing different things. You can't have a real friendship with her right now, simply due to the distance. I also don't think that enough time has passed (that said, I don't know where you are in your healing, but if you still actively want to see her then you might not be ready for it).

Maybe if you absolutely HAD to be in the same places (for work, school, etc.) it would be wise to be cordial if you saw her in person, but I wouldn't go seeking a friendship. BPDs generally react negatively to this, or so I hear. That said, these are just some common patterns. I will probably end up pursuing a friendship with my ex if she can understand and the respect the fact that I will absolutely not date her again. But who knows, eh?

Best luck in whatever choice you make!

Well took a bit of time off things, cant believe it was 3 weeks ago I posted the thread! Anyway I took the advice and didn't break NC. Friends and family said the same thing really. Now it's coming up to 4 months! Yeahhhhh! I suppose I should be bracing myself for her contact perhaps, it seems to happen around this time from what I have seen... .

My healing is going fine really. It's not to say I don't miss her but I'm doing well otherwise. I guess it's one of those things that always sticks with you. It seems like there is ebbs and flows to the feelings, I was just having a soft moment so I was thinking of contacting her I guess. It's not like I want to be good friends or get back together even, it's more so I just didn't like how things ended and the desire to hear from her directly just what the hell happened.

Actually I think what happens is if you're having a bad day, or feeling a bit down, then you want to get in contact because of the good memories. But if things are going well anyway you don't feel like getting in contact because you don't need to feel better. At least that's what I've noticed!

Good luck with your ex also, hopefully you might get some form of explanation one day too.

[LonelyChild]

Please do not break NC if you can stand not to. I promise you that nothing has changed, and nothing ever will. You will just end up feeling worse. Read the other threads on here. They do not change.

Edit: Oh, nevermind me. Good to hear you didn't break NC. Stay strong, move on. :-)

[apollotech]

"... .it's more so I just didn't like how things ended and the desire to hear from her directly just what the hell happened."

BR,

Unlike many on these boards, I am a proponent of reestablished contact if done for the correct reasons with the correct expectations (and certainly never before the Non has healed and has control of himself/herself). You, understandably, seem to be looking for a rational conversation with her that will provide rational answers as to what the hell happened. I am not sure that she, due to her disorder, is capable of providing what you're looking for.

[LonelyChild]

"... .it's more so I just didn't like how things ended and the desire to hear from her directly just what the hell happened."

BR,

Unlike many on these boards, I am a proponent of reestablished contact if done for the correct reasons with the correct expectations (and certainly never before the Non has healed and has control of himself/herself). You, understandably, seem to be looking for a rational conversation with her that will provide rational answers as to what the hell happened. I am not sure that she, due to her disorder, is capable of providing what you're looking for.

Out of curiosty, what would you consider to be correct reasons? There will never be closure. The pwBPD will most likely not have changed.

[Achaya]

I am currently friends with my former spouse of 20 years. We manage it by not looking for closure on the issues we couldn't resolve when we were a couple. I think of the divorce as the closure on those things. The issues still do come up, but we handle them by dropping the subject and shifting focus.

I think that some people with BPD do grow and achieve insight into their relationship dysfunction but that doesn't happen just through the passage of time. Certainly I wouldn't expect that level of change to happen in a few months. Also, I think it would be very unlikely that the pwBPD would then want to return to one of the former partners---they don't seem to do that very much.

[apollotech]

"... .it's more so I just didn't like how things ended and the desire to hear from her directly just what the hell happened."

BR,

Unlike many on these boards, I am a proponent of reestablished contact if done for the correct reasons with the correct expectations (and certainly never before the Non has healed and has control of himself/herself). You, understandably, seem to be looking for a rational conversation with her that will provide rational answers as to what the hell happened. I am not sure that she, due to her disorder, is capable of providing what you're looking for.

Out of curiosty, what would you consider to be correct reasons? There will never be closure. The pwBPD will most likely not have changed.

LC,

Correct reasons vary by situation/circumstances/people involved. For me, and I am only saying this as it applies to my particular situation, at some point I am going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. I do care for her, and I am interested in her life, her well-being. But, I do realize that that is the most that we can ever be for one another. Again, for me, I don't expect a rational assessment from her regarding what went wrong with us. As Achaya stated above in her post, I wouldn't even expect discussion regarding our failed relationship. If my BPDexgf brought it up, I would participate. Unfortunately, you are correct, there probably never will be complete closure between me and my BPDexgf. I have accepted that. You are also correct, she is not going to magically change. I have accepted that. I have accepted her as she is and forgiven her. I have also accepted that we cannot be together. That is my situation.

[blackrazor]

LC,

Correct reasons vary by situation/circumstances/people involved. For me, and I am only saying this as it applies to my particular situation, at some point I am going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. I do care for her, and I am interested in her life, her well-being. But, I do realize that that is the most that we can ever be for one another. Again, for me, I don't expect a rational assessment from her regarding what went wrong with us. As Achaya stated above in her post, I wouldn't even expect discussion regarding our failed relationship. If my BPDexgf brought it up, I would participate. Unfortunately, you are correct, there probably never will be complete closure between me and my BPDexgf. I have accepted that. You are also correct, she is not going to magically change. I have accepted that. I have accepted her as she is and forgiven her. I have also accepted that we cannot be together. That is my situation.

This is basically my thinking exactly. It really depends on the circumstances and the pwBPD. I have read some stories here, that there probably isn't any point getting in contact, some pretty horrible people. My ex wasn't an angel by any means but I think there is a good person somewhere in there. Most of what happened I think was her trying to protect herself (ultimately at my expense... .) and she showed some signs of self awareness. I don't think I will get complete closure at any point but i think if we could speak she would be able to tell me something. I doubt even if she wanted to explain it me, that she could, because most of what these people do isn't based in logic. So because of this, I am hopeful there may be some kind of reconnection at some point. I think if you re-establish thinking you can have a normal romantic relationship then that is a problem.

If this was to happen, I would personally feel a lot better that things were at least resolved (or as resolved as possible). I think this would help me to move on even further.

Also I don't want to be like them. It meant something special to me and I don't want to have the ability to shut out someone I loved from my life forever, and forget them.