Did your ex show remorse or guilt that they left you for someone else?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mine cried when confronted with the fact I caught her in her lie about sleeping with another man. She tried to hug me but I stopped her because I was hurt and didn't want to touch her. I left and she didn't even try to contact me. It has been 2 months NC. My question is have any of your experiences involved them trying to express remorse or guilt or do they just completely cut you out of their life like you never existed?

[Arcturus81]

Mine cried when confronted with the fact I caught her in her lie about sleeping with another man. She tried to hug me but I stopped her because I was hurt and didn't want to touch her. I left and she didn't even try to contact me. It has been 2 months NC. My question is have any of your experiences involved them trying to express remorse or guilt or do they just completely cut you out of their life like you never existed?

[peacefulmind]

Mine cried when confronted with the fact I caught her in her lie about sleeping with another man. She tried to hug me but I stopped her because I was hurt and didn't want to touch her. I left and she didn't even try to contact me. It has been 2 months NC. My question is have any of your experiences involved them trying to express remorse or guilt or do they just completely cut you out of their life like you never existed?

Mine has. I'm almost certain that my ex-BPD cheated on me whilst still maintaining "in a relationship" with me. He/she told me "he/she needed space", which, from what I read, can also mean "I want to ___ other people". I haven't heard anything from my ex since the BU and all evidence of me ever existing has been erased.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I saw zero remorse from my BPDex about walking away from being engaged.  I didn't even get a hug goodbye after two years.  She was more upset about the guy she left me for cheating on her and that whole thing failing after a few months than she was about giving up on a LTR with no explanation or even the courtesy of an adult conversation.  All I got was a two week silent treatment, her raging at me and telling she hated me and everything about me, then a nice slew of her projecting her negative traits on to me and that was that.

[honeysuckle]

My break up was like that. Tears and the clinging hug after I said I was done. He did text me a few weeks later and said it was all his fault and I had done nothing wrong.

This was a year ago. What I have taken from my experience and what I have learned is that the splitting is a sign of the pain they are going through. it is not a reflection of you or your importance. It is how they function. It is that simple. We want/need validation and to feel like we were loved. In most cases we were. That is why it had to end. They don't think the way we do. If you can say to yourself that you were a good person and you were good to them That is what matters in the end. To feel good about yourself and focus on that. Even now knowing it would not have been enough to stop their actions we tend to dwell on their feelings and thoughts. The best thing to do is focus on you. If they are remorseful and feel guilt it is not enough to make them change how they deal with things. Knowing that is half the battle of moving on. Good Luck.

[zundertowz]

I saw zero remorse from my BPDex about walking away from being engaged.  I didn't even get a hug goodbye after two years.  She was more upset about the guy she left me for cheating on her and that whole thing failing after a few months than she was about giving up on a LTR with no explanation or even the courtesy of an adult conversation.  All I got was a two week silent treatment, her raging at me and telling she hated me and everything about me, then a nice slew of her projecting her negative traits on to me and that was that.

exactly my experience... .without knowing for sure if there was a replacement... .didnt really care tho I was done myself

[SWLSR]

None what so ever.  Even when caught in the act of some horrible things even when caught in a lie of those things she refused to own up to anything she acted as if she did nothing wrong.  How she feels now I could not tell you because I could care less.   At some point part of my moving on process is just letting it go.  How she feels and what she does is no longer of any consequence to me.   We do have children and I know her stunts still damage them but she acts as if it there problem not hers.  Or she denies there is a problem so I dont deal with her.

[Mr Hollande]

None. According to her it was all my fault.

If you can say to yourself that you were a good person and you were good to them That is what matters in the end./quote]

I can say yes to that which is why I struggle with it. I struggle with it because I wish I'd booted her out in the same callous manner that she did me. I wish I'd done it to her before she did it to me.

If they are remorseful and feel guilt it is not enough to make them change how they deal with things.

While that is true it would still give me some sense of satisfaction knowing that her actions come with the price of heavy remorse, guilt and shame. But at the same time I already know that it does so I'm making a moot point.

[dobie]

Nope denies it to this day just like she did with all her bfs she cheated on and replaced

I never saw any guilt from her about anything ever

[Loveofhislife]

This somewhat relates to "the most bizarre things they said to us" thread on which I just posted. After he found his replacement and became engaged, (4 months after abandoning me and two months after meeting her); he sent me a text that read, "Hey, I'm selling the Volvo, you interested?" That's about as close as he came to remorse. He wanted to sell back to me a car that had been in my family since 2006 which he was graciously given. Funnier yet? He owes me thousands of $$$ but wanted to know if I wanted to pay him for my family's car? That's the last I've heard from him after supporting him for a year. Wow!

[Mr Hollande]

This somewhat relates to "the most bizarre things they said to us" thread on which I just posted. After he found his replacement and became engaged, (4 months after abandoning me and two months after meeting her); he sent me a text that read, "Hey, I'm selling the Volvo, you interested?" That's about as close as he came to remorse. He wanted to sell back to me a car that had been in my family since 2006 which he was graciously given. Funnier yet? He owes me thousands of $$$ but wanted to know if I wanted to pay him for my family's car? That's the last I've heard from him after supporting him for a year. Wow!

Classy! 

[tortuga]

uBPDw. . . She did apologize - she sobbed and cried she was "so sorry". For about 45 minutes.  Then later, told me a story about how he had raped her. (and then she followed that up with a years-long covert relationship). (this happened twice in our 20 years; basically the same story each time).  Then accused me of being a bad person for not believing her. Then blamed me for "not paying enough attention" to her, or "not being around enough" (um; working full-time job to support the family?), or "being angry all the time" (no, not really). Then she quickly tried to sweep it under the rug with "stop bringing up the past" and "you're ruining our chance to get over this". etc.

Oh yeah, and the covert relationship lasted so long because: I was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out, or. . also, she "thought I didn't care". 

This was how I got PTSD.  Which, of course, was all my fault for being "too sensitive" and "too emotional".  (not that she accepts the diagnosis; she just thinks I'm depressed).

I was actually willing to let go of all this, and work through it, if she would just agree to accept that what she did was not normal or healthy, and go seek treatment, or accept a diagnosis.  She did go to a therapist.  Didn't tell her ANY of this stuff. Mostly just complained about me and my problems.

[Ex_CB_Partner]

Mine ended the 1.5 years r/s via SMS after she got triggered while being in another country for 2 weeks. The days before she talked about having a child with me etc. She reacted panicky/aggresive every time I announced that I would come to see her. After the b/u there was just blaming, reducing and offending of my person (SMS/Email). Even when she was already with her replacement, who she recycled after I told her literally that she won´t get any chances to manipulate me again, it went on. She never showed any remorse for anything that happened during the r/s and also not for the way she ended it as well as she didn´t for the post-b/u (F)OG. She´d say really hurting things and (apparently) didn´t even understand that someone could be hurt by that. At least I hope so. If it all was intentionally it would be way worse.

When I didn´t react to the (F)OG after the break up, she´d send me videos and pictures of herself which showed her in a very positive light. Furthermore she hinted closeness and sexual needs. (Telling me how happy she is with my replacement 'some messages before'. If nothing worked, she got quiet in a way she knew that I´d worry about her. Until I reacted... .

[Mutt]

I have seen different levels of empathy from posts that I have read from different members and their ex partners. I can see how terrible it is for members that have had little to no empathy from their ex partners and it makes me feel sad.

My ex does show some empathy and I find that she is the type of person that shuts down and freezes. I say that because I didn't get the sense that she has self awareness and she seldom expresses how she truly feels.

She did say in an email nearly two years after the split that she was sorry for how she left and she knows that I was hurt. I think that I am lucky that she showed some empathy and it also made me feel angry because she doesn't realize how her actions hurt deeply and the collateral damage that her dichotomous thinking does to loved ones when she sees someone as all good contrast or all bad. I decided to take it fir what it was - it is something and better than nothing.

[Mr Hollande]

Even if I got a long and grovelling apology based on a sincere sense of remorse I don't think it would change anything for me. Maybe it would have a year ago but not at this stage. I have reached a wider acceptance and I am more at peace with everything now but that does not include forgiveness for her. What good I created from this trauma is for me and not her. She is not welcome to any part of my life anymore.

[Invictus01]

Don't know if I was replaced immediately or not ( probably was) but never once she told me she was sorry for hurting me,  it is as if she just has no concept of a human being hurting... .or no concept about caring about other human being hurting.

[zundertowz]

Don't know if I was replaced immediately or not ( probably was) but never once she told me she was sorry for hurting me,  it is as if she just has no concept of a human being hurting... .or no concept about caring about other human being hurting.

The keyword is others being hurt... .most of my relationship was about how everyone including me in her life hurt her or treated her like chit. selfcentered beyond belief.

[lipstick]

No remorse that I witnessed. I haven't heard from my ex in 2.5 years. He went back to his abusive partner and I was given the Silent Treatment from that point forward. I got a crappy note (along with my car / house keys) in the mail two weeks after he left. Scribbled in pencil. Explained nothing. Some of the lines were "I'm so sorry about your birthday, the football game, everything".  "I've hurt you terribly, in many ways, and deserve no forgiveness" "Please take care of yourself and I hope your life gets better". 

So I was erased. Then in December of 2013 - he sent me a Friend Request on Facebook. I did not accept it as I was waiting for some type of communication to go along with the request. Silly me. He blocked me three days later after I didn't accept the request. I sent him a couple of messages via an alternate account of his. Explaining myself. I was ignored and the alternate account was deactivated.

Fast-forward to the end of February of this year. I discovered the ex has been watching my Facebook videos. Had it confirmed thru a mutual friend (caught him in the act!). The "views" go up daily. One of them is now at over 300 views. These videos are nothing special. Just silly stuff. Yet he watches them over and over. Every day. But doesn't contact me. I suppose he wants me to continue to believe that I've been forgotten. Or he's too terrified / ashamed to initiate contact. Whatever. It's his game. I don't want to play anymore.   

[Arcturus81]

Thanks everyone. I have taken a lot of wisdom from these posts. I guess the most important one is that even if she was sorry or feeling guilty it doesn't change what happened. It wouldn't make me feel any better as a person either. I did happen to recall all the warning  that this was going to happen. I just ignored them because I was in the FOG. I need to realize that it wasn't a reflection on who I am as a lover or a man. It was just a conditioned response from her BPD. Things were starting to feel shaky in the relationship so she needed a backup. I did come across a story that made me realize that no matter how good things were this was going to happen.

Read the scorpion and the frog by Aesop's fables.

Described it to a "T".

The pain will subsist and I am pretty sure her replacement is having a good laugh at my expense. Little does he know that he will be in for the sting as well. I know he won't be laughing then.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'd like to say I left my ex when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, but it took a little longer than that for me to leave her, and boy was I ready by then.  She wouldn't leave me as long as I was meeting her needs on some level, although she was unfaithful to me plenty; the reasons were the standard: she was impulsively acting to soothe emotions and/or affect an attachment with someone using her body as the tool, and she felt great shame about that, as she did with a lot of things, and that would show up as especially caustic treatment of me, which was usually the tip-off.

Borderlines feel lots of shame in general, so expressing any of it could potentially open the floodgates and all would fall apart.  It's a terrible place to be really: act impulsively to soothe an emotion, feel shame over the impulsive action, repeat.  And when it all gets too much, convince yourself it never happened and the person for whom you feel ashamed doesn't exist; the stronger the emotions, the stronger the tools, the defensive mechanisms, need to be.

So you've gotten a bunch of feedback Arcturus; does that help and how are you feeling now?

[apollotech]

I'd like to say I left my ex when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, but it took a little longer than that for me to leave her, and boy was I ready by then.  She wouldn't leave me as long as I was meeting her needs on some level, although she was unfaithful to me plenty; the reasons were the standard: she was impulsively acting to soothe emotions and/or affect an attachment with someone using her body as the tool, and she felt great shame about that, as she did with a lot of things, and that would show up as especially caustic treatment of me, which was usually the tip-off.

Borderlines feel lots of shame in general, so expressing any of it could potentially open the floodgates and all would fall apart.  It's a terrible place to be really: act impulsively to soothe an emotion, feel shame over the impulsive action, repeat.  And when it all gets too much, convince yourself it never happened and the person for whom you feel ashamed doesn't exist; the stronger the emotions, the stronger the tools, the defensive mechanisms, need to be.

So you've gotten a bunch of feedback Arcturus; does that help and how are you feeling now?

Very well said FHTH. I especially like your assessment of your exSO "using her body as a tool." As you implied, a "tool" is oftentimes used to get something, to achieve something. The further along that I progress along the path of recover, the more that it becomes blatantly clear to me that my BPDexgf's behavior was never personally directed at me nor had anything to do with me.

[landj]

So you've gotten a bunch of feedback Arcturus; does that help and how are you feeling now?

Not sure about Arcturus, but it is helping me feel better by frequenting this site. Thank you EVERYONE.

[fromheeltoheal]

Very well said FHTH. I especially like your assessment of your exSO "using her body as a tool." As you implied, a "tool" is oftentimes used to get something, to achieve something. The further along that I progress along the path of recover, the more that it becomes blatantly clear to me that my BPDexgf's behavior was never personally directed at me nor had anything to do with me.

it becomes blatantly clear to me that my BPDexgf's behavior was never personally directed at me nor had anything to do with me.

In the sense that you were seen as an attachment apollo, you were everything initially, the person who completed her, made her whole, a perfect fusing of psyches, the solution she's been looking for her whole life, until you weren't, which may or may not have had anything to do with the reality of the situation, but for someone who is focused on attachments and the threat of losing them full time, at some point the attachment became unreliable, abandonment became certain, and the fantasy ended.  So you were everything and then nothing, it could have been anyone but it was you then, and all of it was driven by her need to attach to someone, anyone, so in that sense it was not personal.

[apollotech]

Very well said FHTH. I especially like your assessment of your exSO "using her body as a tool." As you implied, a "tool" is oftentimes used to get something, to achieve something. The further along that I progress along the path of recover, the more that it becomes blatantly clear to me that my BPDexgf's behavior was never personally directed at me nor had anything to do with me.

it becomes blatantly clear to me that my BPDexgf's behavior was never personally directed at me nor had anything to do with me.

In the sense that you were seen as an attachment apollo, you were everything initially, the person who completed her, made her whole, a perfect fusing of psyches, the solution she's been looking for her whole life, until you weren't, which may or may not have had anything to do with the reality of the situation, but for someone who is focused on attachments and the threat of losing them full time, at some point the attachment became unreliable, abandonment became certain, and the fantasy ended.  So you were everything and then nothing, it could have been anyone but it was you then, and all of it was driven by her need to attach to someone, anyone, so in that sense it was not personal.

Yes, my statement wasn't/isn't a product of a bruised ego nor of hope. It is a statement of my acceptance of the cold fact, that you pointed out FHTH, that my position in the relationship was never based on my merits or detractions. The relationship was based on her needs. "I" was based on her needs. I take comfort in that. That frees me. It certainly frees me from the responsibility/thought that "I" could have made a difference. No, I was never good enough; likewise, I was never not good enough.

Luckily for me, especially at this juncture, I never bought into the "me" that she presented to me during the idealization stage. I certainly enjoyed the hell out of it, but, I knew that I wasn't  the "me" that she was presenting as me. In fact, I was disturbed with the scenario she created a few times and actually called her out on it: "You're creating someone that I cannot live up to. Please allow me my faults."

Rather than abandonment issues driving our ultimate seperation, I'd say it was her engulfment issues that drove it. It got to the point where it was not good, certainly not healthy, for us to be around one another. Chaos ensued. (At the time, I did not know of BPD/fear of abandonment/engulfment, so I didn't understand what was going on.) That "fear of engulfment" drove her "You scare me.", "You know me too well.", "You are completely different than any man I have ever known.", "I am lost in you.", "I cannot keep myself from you." statements. (All said during the devaluation stage. Although some of these statements sound like they were products of idealization; in context, they were not. Her attachment to me was clearly causing her some unresolvable issues; I became toxic to her.)

What a ride! No thanks, I'd rather walk.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good awareness and understanding apollo!

[BorisAcusio]

The relationship was based on her needs. "I" was based on her needs. I take comfort in that. That frees me. It certainly frees me from the responsibility/thought that "I" could have made a difference. No, I was never good enough; likewise, I was never not good enough.

Rather than abandonment issues driving our ultimate seperation, I'd say it was her engulfment issues that drove it. It got to the point where it was not good, certainly not healthy, for us to be around one another. Chaos ensued.

A.J Mahari, a pwBPD, describes how that scenario plays out in the borderline mind, reading that was light bulb moment for me:

When I was involved in push/pull in a relationship I would literally through my need bring a partner closer. Once they had moved in closer I would realize that they couldn't meet my needs for me (though when in the throes of BPD I did not understand this). Upon realizing they couldn't meet my needs (and no one can meet the basic needs of another-I didn't know this then) there would be the anger of an infant left alone, terrified and screaming in a crib ... .hungry, thirsty and with skin hunger, longing to be touched and held... .and the push... .the "I don't care", the "f___ off" the "screw you"; all of which really are what the borderline is saying about their own relationship to self at that given moment, would follow. It was the pain of realizing that my needs couldn't be met by this person that (again I was not consciously aware of this then) would cause the push as I felt overwhelmed, annihilated and furious that I was being left alone with in the company of all of my own unmet needs. Instead of understanding that I had to meet my own needs and that I had to take personal responsibility for myself I (for years) continued to transfer this onto a significant other (as if they were a parent instead of a partner) When I told a partner or friend to "get lost" I was "losing myself" too.

The point I really want to make here is that until a certain amount of healing is done and or insight is acquired by a borderline they are just NOT capable of intimacy. To expect that they are is to set yourself up. The non-borderline is looking for and expecting adult intimacy in a relationship while the borderline is trying to find the parent (s) they never had and is seeking to be re-parented.

www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderintimpushpull.htm

Another excerpt from Transpersonal Psychology in Psychoanalytic Perspective:

For the introversion of psychic energy and consequent undermining of primal repression and fear of engulfment impel the borderline to reach out to significant others as a way of hanging on to the last thread of existence. Relationships with other people can in this way be seen as lifelines by which the borderline keeps from being swallowed in inner darkness. For the borderline, then, significant others play the role of rescuers, saviors. Significant others are—or so the borderline must believe—solid, stable, and utterly faithful supporters who provide the borderline with the safe ground that the borderline lacks within.

In assigning this role to others, of course, the borderline places completely unrealistic expectations on them. Needing a savior, the borderline cannot help imposing these expectations; being only human, the people on whom these expectations are imposed cannot possibly live up to the expectations. The borderline therefore is inherently prone both to overestimate and be seriously disappointed in significant others. The borderline is predisposed to idealize significant others only later to devalue and condemn them. The borderline desperately needs significant others to be perfect, and when, inevitably, significant others are not perfect, the borderline feels deeply threatened and betrayed.

[Infared]

My expw BPD later said "I have no guilt at all", while still lying about cheating on me (for who knows how long?), during our 5-year live-in relationship. She "ran-off" 2 weeks before Christmas and left me in our home packing her belongings, feeding her cats and putting a Christmas tree up by myself. She kept telling me that there was no one else? Of course that was bull$hit. The lies made it even more devastating for me.

If you are cheating on someone and lying right to there face about it, even long after the fact, isn't that showing some kind of shame, or guilt or something?

I will never know.  

"My question is have any of your experiences involved them trying to express remorse or guilt or do they just completely cut you out of their life like you never existed?"

I was in contact with her initially, but it was so, so painful for me to see her with someone else and be fed a ton of lies that finally after obtaining a therapist I went absolute NC. Since then she has made many whacky immature attempts, (drive-byes, fake accidental run-ins, etc.), to contact me, but I will have none of it. None. How can I have a conversation with a person that I felt so deeply about and shared my life with and made a home with  and now all they do is act selfish, smug and spew lies?

I, for the life of me, cannot comprehend why he person tries to make contact with me, other than some whimsical need to abuse someone who deeply loved them? She now lives with my replacement.