I just finished a wonderful book that I wanted to recommend to everyone which I think may help those looking to work on their relationships with their BPD loved one. In learning about BPD my view of my BFF changed slowly over time as I learned more and more and came to understand that her reactions were truly not intentional and that her behaviors were somewhat beyond her control. I started changing little things I was doing that made a huge impact and I started to see her soften some. The interesting thing is that these are things I started doing before I read this book... . This book takes it to a whole new level and I really an see how beneficial it could be to a borderline/non-borderline relationship so I wanted to share.
The book is Complaint Free Relationships by Will Bowen and it was a wonderful read, with a lot of advice/examples and exercises.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6580800-complaint-free-relationshipsI had been feeling recently like my BFF had all the power in the relationship, she decided what happened when and I didn't get a say (as a side note her schedule now is ridiculous so her time is scarce to begin with). When I started doing little things like just reaching out, not expecting a response and changing my responses to her when she snapped or accused me of something I did not do (keeping calm/grounded/using mindfulness) I noticed that her responses changed too. Before I would give a response that would cause friction, there would be an argument, who was right/etc... .now it is what it is and I remind myself that is upset about something that it is something upsetting her and it doesn't have to upset me as well. So I can stay separate and joyful, even if she is sitting right next to me in a foul mood. Then the last time I got to see her... .not only did my mood/reactions soften hers she even mentioned that she doesn't want to be the way she is and she appreciates me understanding, when I left I even gave her a hug. 5 minutes earlier she had been telling me how mad I was making her just being there (me grounding and letting the tummy rumbling stop as I realized I was fine and I was not causing her upset it is simply that she still hadn't dealt with her anger towards me at a situation which it turns out she misread and was misinformed about; and I myself would also be angered by that, but she was mistakenly turning this towards me as if it was my fault when I only showed up to visit her that day). So I was able to let her anger roll of me and she simmered down, still frustrated but it changed into her being more frustrated with herself for feeling that way than mad at me for causing her to feel that way. Since I didn't give her anything to add to her anger pot, it didn't boil over!
Again, that was before I read the book... .now I have even more goodies to add to my tool box so that next time hopefully I will get even farther.