How to deal...

[Ceruleanblue]

This is mostly a vent, but as always, ideas are more than welcome. How do you deal with doing most everything ALONE? Last night I spent in the ER, alone. Today, I'm super hurt and angry about it. Empathy? What is that strange emotion? Answering when I ask him a question? Nope, he's too good to do that. I'm sick of his arrogance, and passive aggressive silences. He's not better than me, but that is what he portrays. I'm sick, sick, sick of his immaturity when it comes to relationships. I'm sick of how he treats me, and at this moment, I'm not dealing with it very well.

Why stay in a relationship I feel has robbed me of my son, he isolates me from my family, heck, he didn't even want me to ask my Mom to accompany me to the ER. I later said "so what", and gave her a call. Why sit in the boring ER room, when I can have company? He asks me questions he already knows the answers to, and he demands I repeat them, it's a sick game he plays to show he has control. Now he's pouting, and I'm again alone.

I resent him, and I tried so hard not to get back to that place. I've tried too hard, and he's tried too little. My needs are few, and he can't even fathom that I have needs. It's all him, him, him, and what he wants. He'll be crappy to me the rest of the week, until he wants me to go with him to more motorcycle classes, so he'll honey up to me(his weak version of it anyway).

I'm sick of the endless cycle where there is no grace for me or my son, but I'm told literally to "kiss his kids a**" and that my opinions mean nothing. I'm sick of living in BPD land. Period.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

 

How are you doing finding friends... .a support network.

Over time... .you will be able to count on him for more things... .it will be slow.

How did ER visit go?  Are you ok? 

We are here for you!

FF

[married21years]

i allowed myself to be isolated, this is the biggest mistake to ever make.

communication with friends is essential.

[Ceruleanblue]

I did go to the ER alone, but while there and waiting called my Mom. She lives about three miles away, and she'd have been hurt if I hadn't called her. I'm learning to stop letting BPDh control me. It's hard, because sometimes that means conflict, but I can't let him control everything(although he tries).

I have a close friend I talk to daily. We talk about everything, our kids, life, everything. It's a good thing for me. I'm trying to not let BPDh isolate me, but it's obvious he doesn't want much to do with my family, which is weird because even though they know how he's treated me, they are open and welcoming to him.

I have a follow up with my doctor tomorrow because my blood pressure if high, and I'm still dizzy and having headaches. I guess I have to find a way to not feel bad that BPDh isn't concerned about my health? If I didn't know his past, that would be much easier. It just is like a knife in the heart knowing that he left work to take his cheating wife(who had moved out to be with other guy) to the hospital, but he shows such lack of concern for me. Is it just because pwBPD choose select people to treat "better"? I'm baffled by this.

[vortex of confusion]

I guess I have to find a way to not feel bad that BPDh isn't concerned about my health?

Is he truly not concerned or does he suck at showing his concern? There is a big difference. Who knows how he truly feels? It is difficult to guess. Focus on how you are feeling. What could he have done that would have made you feel like he was concerned for your health?

If I didn't know his past, that would be much easier. It just is like a knife in the heart knowing that he left work to take his cheating wife(who had moved out to be with other guy) to the hospital, but he shows such lack of concern for me. Is it just because pwBPD choose select people to treat "better"? I'm baffled by this.

What keeps you in this place where you are stuck on how he treated his cheating wife? How do you know that he took her to the hospital? Are you relying on his accounts of the past? I suspect that his cheating wife has a different version of the story that is probably somewhere close to what you are experiencing. Just because he took her to hospital doesn't mean that he cared for her more. He could have taken her because she didn't want him to do it. Who knows what his motives were for taking her and not you? Trying to guess and assign motives and feelings is going to keep you in a place where you feel tormented.

I know how painful this stuff is. My husband could plan a date with another woman around our anniversary but he couldn't plan one with me. It feels like a friggin' kick in the gut to have your husband do more for others than he will do for you. I know that feeling and wish I could reach through the computer and hug you. What I do know is that thinking about it and pondering it is self torture. Stop it. Every relationship is unique. I have no idea why my husband hasn't treated me better. I have no idea why he will give his mother or some other female more consideration that he will give me. Does it hurt? Heck yes! Does it help to think about it? Nope. It is torturous.

Ultimately, I think this is something that requires a bit of radical acceptance. You can set boundaries to protect yourself. You can't make somebody else change. You can't make somebody else act like they care. The funny thing is that my husband is doing a lot better these days. He is doing a lot of the things that wanted him to do. Now, I am very skeptical of it all.

[Ceruleanblue]

I do know that he did in fact take her to the ER because she called him to take her. Why did she do that, I have no idea. I think she was having fun playing both guys off each other. Why would my BPDh do that, knowing she'd cheated, and left for another guy, again, no idea.

I think you are right, that I need to stop trying to figure out the "why". It's a fact, and it stinks, but I can't change the fact that he shows more consideration to others than he does to me. At least it helps to read that you also have experienced it. I wish neither of us have had to live this. It leave me asking "why don't I get the same consideration?", and I tend to get indignant because I know as his wife, that I deserve it. I deserve to be treated with respect, and consideration, dang it!

I'll work on trying to stop thinking about it, and just write it off as another odd issue associated with his BPD/NPD, or whatever it is that makes him behave in a callous way. I just wish I didn't know his past. I wish he'd kept his mouth shut about all that.

[formflier]

I deserve to be treated with respect, and consideration, dang it!

Yes you do!  That is what boundaries are about... .people see how you allow yourself to be treated... .and they usually act accordingly.

It doesn't mean their actions are your fault... .you didn't cause it... .people have free choice.

However... .the basics of boundaries are that you are respecting yourself enough to not be yelled at... .or... .other things like this.

Do you really want to be treated like his ex wife?  I suspect there were times when he treated her badly and vice versa... .resist looking at one incident and saying that is how he is with her or shows what the thinks of her... .

It's much more complex than that... .

FF