the replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So earlier in the week he told me had thoughts of suicide (even said he had written out letters) but has changed his mind. Told me 13 years ago he tried to take his life but failed. He said the main reason for wanting to now is because he doesn't want to be with anyone else and doesn't want to lose me so i am the main reason even though he feels other things are going wrong in his life now. He told me all this after I told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him after he threatened to "**** me up mentally if i couldnt prove i loved him" He says he knew I would make him open up and then ditch.

He asked me to meet up yesterday and i ignored it at first. Then he said how rude I was so I ended up replying and telling him we can't be together because I can't forgive him for threatening me, the accusations of cheating while he winds me up about other girls. That I tried to help him and asked him to see a doctor and he refused. That i cant be with someone who constantly insults me and tells me how "no-one would be as cruel to him as I am", and how can I be with him when he thinks so badly of me, and how he KNOWS I have left him for someone else because he apparently knows me inside out and if I loved him I wouldn't leave him. Told him a million times there is no1 else.

Later he sends me a message saying he has found someone else he is interested in and he is meeting her next. I did say something along the lines of how quick it was considering a fee days before he said I was the only one and he had bad thoughts at the idea of not being with me. He said "you are horrible, you can be kissing and have sex with guys all the time but I have to be alone?... you are so horrible its scary" Told him thats not what i said and i didnt want to hear about this new girl. He told me he was gonna tell about her when he meets her.

I know its the right thing to move on with my life away from him but it really hurts... .I feel like he never cared about me at all it was all about just having company and attention... I am really upset he says that I was awful because he could only see and talk to me when i wasnt "too busy for him"... I drove to see him twice a week when things were good while he rarely ever travelled to me. I only saw him evenings after football or during football and after... every saturday he  watched football with dad til evening. I took him away for a weekend and he spent the whole of one of the days in the pub watching football. Then blamed me for guilt tripping him into going away in the first place because I knew he wanted to watch it!

I suppose it just makes me jealous and worry that he is going to be happier with this new person and I meant nothing  and him rubbing it in and telling me about it makes it worse... plus him being so convinced that I really dont care about him and am lying about wanting someone else... .nothing I can say can convince him (not even when we were together) its sad he thinks so low of me

[klacey3]

So earlier in the week he told me had thoughts of suicide (even said he had written out letters) but has changed his mind. Told me 13 years ago he tried to take his life but failed. He said the main reason for wanting to now is because he doesn't want to be with anyone else and doesn't want to lose me so i am the main reason even though he feels other things are going wrong in his life now. He told me all this after I told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him after he threatened to "**** me up mentally if i couldnt prove i loved him" He says he knew I would make him open up and then ditch.

He asked me to meet up yesterday and i ignored it at first. Then he said how rude I was so I ended up replying and telling him we can't be together because I can't forgive him for threatening me, the accusations of cheating while he winds me up about other girls. That I tried to help him and asked him to see a doctor and he refused. That i cant be with someone who constantly insults me and tells me how "no-one would be as cruel to him as I am", and how can I be with him when he thinks so badly of me, and how he KNOWS I have left him for someone else because he apparently knows me inside out and if I loved him I wouldn't leave him. Told him a million times there is no1 else.

Later he sends me a message saying he has found someone else he is interested in and he is meeting her next. I did say something along the lines of how quick it was considering a fee days before he said I was the only one and he had bad thoughts at the idea of not being with me. He said "you are horrible, you can be kissing and have sex with guys all the time but I have to be alone?... you are so horrible its scary" Told him thats not what i said and i didnt want to hear about this new girl. He told me he was gonna tell about her when he meets her.

I know its the right thing to move on with my life away from him but it really hurts... .I feel like he never cared about me at all it was all about just having company and attention... I am really upset he says that I was awful because he could only see and talk to me when i wasnt "too busy for him"... I drove to see him twice a week when things were good while he rarely ever travelled to me. I only saw him evenings after football or during football and after... every saturday he  watched football with dad til evening. I took him away for a weekend and he spent the whole of one of the days in the pub watching football. Then blamed me for guilt tripping him into going away in the first place because I knew he wanted to watch it!

I suppose it just makes me jealous and worry that he is going to be happier with this new person and I meant nothing  and him rubbing it in and telling me about it makes it worse... plus him being so convinced that I really dont care about him and am lying about wanting someone else... .nothing I can say can convince him (not even when we were together) its sad he thinks so low of me

[enlighten me]

The thing about replacements is they are an emotional crutch for pwBPD. They fulfil a need. Yes they may be used to make you jealous. They may use them to distract themselves from what they are going through.

At the end of the day most of us here are replacements. I replaced my exgf husband. He replaced her exbf. He replaced her ex etc etc etc.

We are a coping mechanism for them. At first we are the answer to their prayers. We have the potential to be everything they ever wanted in a relationship but no one can live up to their expectations as they constantly change.

No matter how much guilt you feel you have to remember that these people are ill. Its not something we can fix and trying to can destroy us. We can give and give but in the end all we do is empty ourselves.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi there,

   The replacement stage is very painful, I think because it seems to happen so fast. Your being told you are the love of their life one minute and then BAM! They are magically in love with another person.

Thing is, they have been devaluating you for some time. They wait til they are absolutely sure this new person will bite and then they seem to let you go with no hesitation.

This recently happened to me. It's happened before but she didn't really have a solid replacement.

She does now. And this person is a real a hole too... .someone who friended me and she's been able to convince her we never had a relationship to begin with... .

In the three years of hell we were together.

My ex is a needy pit that needs constant reassurance. More than I or anyone else can give. I have met her exes even an ex of an ex and the general consensus is she is no good with lots of issues.

For a long time I felt sorry and wanted to help her. I was sacrificing having a healthy, mutually rewarding relationship for one where I was this caregiver.

I have always felt alone in this relationship.

It will hurt for awhile. Expected. But when you sit and think about how crappy you were treated it's hard not to wonder... .why did I allow this? Has anyone ever treated you so poorly before?

In my case, no.

I can guarantee your ex new person will not be able to fill all his needs.

3mo into my relationship my ex snapped at me over something so ridiculously stupid I can't remember.  I was called names and talked to like garbage. As she was saying things I got super angry and told her I wanted my key back and she should go.

She actually ran out the door with my key screaming no. A 40yo woman.

Her ex before me was a prison psychologist. She works with mentally deranged criminals and she couldn't make this work. What in the world made ME think I could work with this? I can't.

4mo into this mess she is talking to her ex before me as well as the ex before that who happened to be divorcing.

She left me for two months for the one divorcing and then came back.

The only way to stop the pain is NC. A part of me is glad there is a replacement here and now. I know she will contact me eventually. This is where the healing starts. The reconnecting with family and friends.

PW

[harysc]

Hey there , 

That was really sad thing to read for me, quite disturbing and I understand the weight of your feeling, I hope you understand that his emotions are not stable. You shouldn't take his actions and feelings as a personal gauge to your worth or value- The thing with replacements is they can't replace you completely, from my own experience I've found that my ExBPD couldn't replace anyone completely because she isn't happy with anyone in her life on longer terms- not even herself,

when they idealize someone- no one in the world could compete with that person but give it time the same person would become the most undesirable person in their lives,

but don't think they always think low of you, in fact I've been told by my said Ex and seen it myself they get miserable missing you- even if you're painted black.

Let go of the thought that they can be more happier with someone- if they can it means they're growing or getting better. It has nothing to do with you.

[Suzn]

how can I be with him when he thinks so badly of me, and how he KNOWS I have left him for someone else because he apparently knows me inside out and if I loved him I wouldn't leave him. Told him a million times there is no1 else.

This is insecurity in him. Needing to constantly have someone prove their love. If you love yourself you don't have this constant need. This is the opposite, self loathing.

We buy into the manipulation because of our insecurity, our self doubt. Did I do something wrong? How can I fix this?

Don't buy in klacey. From what you write you were capable of reciprocity which is important in a healthy relationship. Shifting our focus to our insecurities, grieving our loss and building our emotional maturity is key to future relationships. Whether it be romantic or otherwise. 

Hang in there.