Breaking Free... How the Hll To Get Him Out of My Head

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am so sick and tired of this person being in my psychic space.  He gets entirely too much time/energy/thought.  I have not responded to him in 6+ months.  His contact is dramatically less than it was but now is comes monthly.  It is not a surprise and yet throws me off course.

He sent very endearing, nice texts last night (which left me feeling sad for the "good" guy) and then this morning a manipulative one about his death (which leaves me so mad at the "manipulative, hateful, can't-control-himself, all-about-me" guy).  Can't he just leave me the f*ck alone?

I hated getting the death text this morning and yet am grateful because (1)I am once again reminded he is BOTH guys (good and disordered) and (2)feeling fed-up anger with him is easier than feeling sad.

I just want this dude out of my freaking head.  Clearly, I can't wait for him to accommodate my wishes.  So I need to do it myself.  Thank God I can.  I believe I can.  But I sure as h*ll haven't figured out HOW. 

I know I am much improved.  The longing isn't there anymore.  The fantasizing.  The reminiscing.  But godd*amn it feels like he is always there... .just lingering.  Maybe I just have to let him linger.  Not resist it.  Resisting it probably makes me feel worse about it.  Maybe I should just notice him (lingering in my thoughts) and carry on about my business.  Not paying him any attention other than to notice he is there, of course, again... .until maybe he no longer is.

Any thoughts?  Suggestions? 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am so sick and tired of this person being in my psychic space.  He gets entirely too much time/energy/thought.  I have not responded to him in 6+ months.  His contact is dramatically less than it was but now is comes monthly.  It is not a surprise and yet throws me off course.

He sent very endearing, nice texts last night (which left me feeling sad for the "good" guy) and then this morning a manipulative one about his death (which leaves me so mad at the "manipulative, hateful, can't-control-himself, all-about-me" guy).  Can't he just leave me the f*ck alone?

I hated getting the death text this morning and yet am grateful because (1)I am once again reminded he is BOTH guys (good and disordered) and (2)feeling fed-up anger with him is easier than feeling sad.

I just want this dude out of my freaking head.  Clearly, I can't wait for him to accommodate my wishes.  So I need to do it myself.  Thank God I can.  I believe I can.  But I sure as h*ll haven't figured out HOW. 

I know I am much improved.  The longing isn't there anymore.  The fantasizing.  The reminiscing.  But godd*amn it feels like he is always there... .just lingering.  Maybe I just have to let him linger.  Not resist it.  Resisting it probably makes me feel worse about it.  Maybe I should just notice him (lingering in my thoughts) and carry on about my business.  Not paying him any attention other than to notice he is there, of course, again... .until maybe he no longer is.

Any thoughts?  Suggestions? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RML, Sometimes it helps to be proactive when it comes to unproductive thoughts.  This may sound weird, but I actually tell my brain to "cancel" or "delete" when I find myself obsessing over some aspect of BPD or my BPDxW.  You have more control than you might imagine.  When you shut off the negative thoughts, you are creating new pathways in your brain, which leads to fewer ruminations, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you,  LuckyJim.   Great suggestion and I very much appreciate your input.  The thought of new pathways that do not include him is very appealing and gives me hope.   I will do as you suggest.  Feels like,  right now in particular,  I will be deleting all day long.   But given the options of deleting or ruminating,  I will go with delete.   Thank you for your care and your help!

[Lucky Jim]

You're welcome, RML.  There is actually a scientific basis for this technique, as described by Jill Bolte Taylor in her great book, My Stroke of Insight.  From my experience, it works.  LJ

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I loved that book.   Will go check it out again.   Thank you.   I was just reminding myself to delete,  delete,  delete!

[jhkbuzz]

I am so sick and tired of this person being in my psychic space.  He gets entirely too much time/energy/thought.  I have not responded to him in 6+ months.  His contact is dramatically less than it was but now is comes monthly.  It is not a surprise and yet throws me off course.

He sent very endearing, nice texts last night (which left me feeling sad for the "good" guy) and then this morning a manipulative one about his death (which leaves me so mad at the "manipulative, hateful, can't-control-himself, all-about-me" guy).  Can't he just leave me the f*ck alone?

I hated getting the death text this morning and yet am grateful because (1)I am once again reminded he is BOTH guys (good and disordered) and (2)feeling fed-up anger with him is easier than feeling sad.

I just want this dude out of my freaking head.  Clearly, I can't wait for him to accommodate my wishes.  So I need to do it myself.  Thank God I can.  I believe I can.  But I sure as h*ll haven't figured out HOW. 

I know I am much improved.  The longing isn't there anymore.  The fantasizing.  The reminiscing.  But godd*amn it feels like he is always there... .just lingering.  Maybe I just have to let him linger.  Not resist it.  Resisting it probably makes me feel worse about it.  Maybe I should just notice him (lingering in my thoughts) and carry on about my business.  Not paying him any attention other than to notice he is there, of course, again... .until maybe he no longer is.

Any thoughts?  Suggestions? 

I was reading about mindfulness the other day, and it was suggested that 'you' are not 'your thoughts' - although we often think of them as one in the same.  As a result, it can be helpful to create some distance between 'you' and 'your thoughts', particularly if your thoughts are obsessive, sad, etc.  So instead of simply "thinking" about him, when you become aware that you ARE thinking about him you say, hmmmm... .I'm having thoughts about X. That's interesting... .I wonder why. Was I triggered? Did something remind me of a memory?

It can help you become aware of and get control of your thoughts - and then you can choose to have different ones. I think that's the idea.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you, jhkbuzz.  I like this too.  Feels consistent with LuckyJim's suggestion... .noticing the thoughts and then consciously deciding what to do with them.  I imagine the more I practice this the better... .and today I have much opportunity to practice as he has been very much on my mind. 

I am also noticing the way they reel back and forth... .I was so sad when I woke up.  I cried for the first time in many months.  Then I got his nasty text about his death and got right into "f-you" mode which felt better.  Then, boom, comes the sadness, confusion and wistfulness about how one person can contain such different extremes. 

So as you suggested, I could notice that I am having thoughts about x and then even notice "wow, I am now having sad thoughts about x... .oh look, I am now having angry thoughts about x" and notice both that there are thoughts, the content of those thoughts, and inquire about what might have triggered that particular thought (ie sadness vs anger). 

I long for the day this is TRULY over. 

Thank you!

[dobie]

Not sure but I'm ocd so it makes it harder I find it good to have a hobby or goal to focus on so I can obsesses about that .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Oh dobie, I can't even imagine getting over a b/u like this with the added challenge of OCD.  Seems like these are such potent r/s (in both good ways and bad) which are very hard to get over under the best of circumstances.  I hope you are proud of yourself and the work you have done!

I think you are right though... .it is like the gap left in my life can easily get filled with thoughts of him, the r/s, and/or just BPD in general.  Probably I will feel more disconnected from him when I have reconnected more with the rest of my life... .work, socializing, dating, etc.  Not to try to escape him but to intentionally focus on rebuilding important parts of my life. 

Thanks for your input!

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you, jhkbuzz.  I like this too.  Feels consistent with LuckyJim's suggestion... .noticing the thoughts and then consciously deciding what to do with them.  I imagine the more I practice this the better... .and today I have much opportunity to practice as he has been very much on my mind.  

I am also noticing the way they reel back and forth... .I was so sad when I woke up.  I cried for the first time in many months.  Then I got his nasty text about his death and got right into "f-you" mode which felt better.  Then, boom, comes the sadness, confusion and wistfulness about how one person can contain such different extremes.  

So as you suggested, I could notice that I am having thoughts about x and then even notice "wow, I am now having sad thoughts about x... .oh look, I am now having angry thoughts about x" and notice both that there are thoughts, the content of those thoughts, and inquire about what might have triggered that particular thought (ie sadness vs anger).  

I long for the day this is TRULY over.  

Thank you!

 The emotional roller coaster was the WORST - I'm not typically an overly emotional person, so it was painful and confusing to feel such extreme, conflicting emotions - ugg. If it is any consolation, it really will get better over time - but that's what it takes: time.

I've come to think of it as a process during which I very painfully had to re-write the story of my r/s with her. I was in an 8 year r/s that started going to hell in a hand basket after 4 years. The original story?  She was the sweetest, most wonderful person I had EVER met, she loved me, I loved her, we were committed to one another and were going to be together until we were old and gray, hobbling off into the sunset.

The real story? She was on the dissociative spectrum and had BPD; she was wonderful until she wasn't and the lying/splitting/infidelities began; she needed me more than she loved me; and after repeated affairs it became clear to me that we wouldn't be growing old together in any way, shape or form.

It took a long time for my brain to "switch" from the first story to the second. In fact, I bounced back and forth between the stories for a long time, and I bounced back and forth between my perceptions of her (sweet, kind and wonderful vs. dishonest, disloyal and unfaithful). The real problem is that she could be BOTH and those extreme differences rolled up in one human being nearly broke my brain - I couldn't comprehend it.

But I can now.

[Hadlee]

Can you block his number? 

I also agree with mindfulness techniques.  I used to do the STOP one.  Will find some info on it and PM you

[jhkbuzz]

Can you block his number? 

I also agree with mindfulness techniques.  I used to do the STOP one.  Will find some info on it and PM you

Why not post it here for others to see? 

[Hadlee]

Good idea jhkbuzz.  I will do that

Here is the link for the STOP technique.  As I said, it has worked for me in the past.

www.habitsforwellbeing.com/interrupting-automatic-pilot-the-stop-technique/

Hope it helps

[letmeout]

I had to block my ex's number after some fool gave it to him 3 years after we divorced. He started blaming me because he is alone and has no one.  (which I learned later is a total lie). Nope, he hasn't changed one bit.