I need some support.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All, I am a relatively new member out here.  Little bit of background, married for 10 years, no children, married later in life, in process of divorce and learned about BPD ~6 months ago.  Both wife and I have been in marriage and individual counseling pre and during marriage.  I learned of my PTSD several years ago and went through intense therapy to overcome early childhood abuse with a fairly good measure of success.  These therapies lead me to what had felt like a greater sense of self and allowed me to stand up to BP abuse and claim my ground within the marriage.  Work that I thought would resolve issues we were having but now suspect has led to the demise of what has been an unstable marriage.

My wife and I had been house shopping for our 10 years without success and unsuccessfully tried to start a family several times.  Everything was a perpetual struggle; money, home, children and daily living.  My wife was pissed off at me many times and after many unsuccessful attempts at trying to address and appease her anger (and abuse) I gradually got ground down and just started to accept blame to keep the peace (which even then she got angry at me because she knew I really didn’t believe what I was saying).  All the same, I loved her.  First time in my life I had someone that I was really close too, that I felt understood me and helped me feel like I wasn’t all alone in a big world and gave my life some meaning.  I had spent years recovering from addiction and my families metal health issues.  To me it felt like we were 2 children from bad homes that had found each others protective arms and though later in life, (40 years old) we would realize our dreams of having a full life.  Though we may fight, we would always be there for each other.

Last August, we found a dream home; right price, location, amenities etc.  Wife refused to make an offer on it with me.  I was intensely flustered; she had been dragging me around for years of Sunday Open Houses telling me how every house we saw had all these problems and who would have designed it this or that way, etc.  I just wanted the insanity to stop; I wanted to get off the merry go round of spinning in place.  I wanted to buy a house, put roots down and have some stability; “Start my life” that I worked so hard to just to get to the starting line to have.  All the same, when this dream house opportunity passed us by, I was very loving and supportive of her and patiently asked what happened. She was afraid; I still don’t know of what.  

A couple of days after her saying no to this home, she got on a tangent about purchasing a multi-family home and wanted me to drive by a new house etc.  As always, she wanted to be in control of how the search went and was unwilling to listen to what I was saying.  :)uring this conversation I got angry with her and yelled, telling her to stop and let’s make a plan so we can be successful.  She started to cry and went upstairs and I shortly after followed to apologize for my behavior.  It was too late.

For the next 3 months she pretty much stayed shut off in one room and told me she could not be touched and did not want me around.  Come December she told me my yelling was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” and asked that I leave the house as she wanted a separation.  The more I inquired what was going on the more she let on that she wanted a divorce.  We are presently in process of divorcing.

I still live with my (2B-X) wife; part magical thinking on my part and also part feeling completely lost without this marriage.  We tried mediation, no surprise that this did not work.  Since she has held all the money in her personal accounts and she claims that it is her money and I am trying to take it from her by asking for a settlement.  

My trying to get a settlement has driven my wife into deeper levels of anger and vindictive behaviors.  It hurts me so deeply (the quiet treatment), so I tried to get some clarity from her and inquire if there was any chance that she would be open to seeing if there is a way for us to work it out.  I got, what sounds to me, like a confusing response.  Specifically she says; “I see us as friends”, “you are my family” and “I love you”.  HUH?  I will give you my typical NON response; does this sound confusing or is it just me?

All of the aforementioned written for the purpose of telling someone who knows BPD the following; I am really struggling with all this.  Why is she leaving me?  :)oesn’t she have the abandonment issues?  Isn’t she supposed to be the one who feels suicidal and want ME back?  

I feel deeply abandoned and betrayed.  I am so hurt and angry!  Where have I been?  What am I doing?  What the heck just happened?  Was she just leading me on?  :)oesn’t she know that we are in our 50’s?  What about our life dreams?  Or is this this just a game for her control?  Is she that lost?  

What is also amazing to me is that in December I was feeling ok about all this; a sense of relief and personal freedom had come over me.  I was even able to find some humor when she told me in December that “I had abandoned her 2 years ago”, this timing she pinpoints coincides to exactly the same time I stood up and told her no more abuse.  Fast forward to now and I feel awful, really confused and deeply hurt and questioning myself at a very deep and painful level.  Should I have stayed subservient to save the marriage?  

When I first read about BPD I was amazed.  Someone finally knew exactly what I was going through.  Had words for it, could identify crazy patterns and circular conversations that our therapist glossed over and tried to do couples communication improvement with.  After having read this site and many books I felt some hope that I could find an avenue to address all our problems and live the life I have worked so hard to achieve.  I now see this as false hope, again.  

I feel emotionally crushed and worst of all, feel like I am exhibiting many of the traits that articles say are BPD traits.  I feel empty, I wonder who I am, I don’t know where I am going next in my life, I want my marriage back despite all the issues – it was part of my identity, I feel unloved and betrayed.  I worked my ass off to please her demands and should be relieved and yet I feel so empty.  She is blaming me for all of this and in all honesty - her words still resonate.

What happens to the Non’s?  Are we really just as crazy as the people we feel are the perpetrators?  I feel like I am want to give up, all of this work and effort has been useless to change my life and I am no longer at an age where I can fantasize about having a happy family home, F$@#!

Anyone relate?

[joeramabeme]

Hi All, I am a relatively new member out here.  Little bit of background, married for 10 years, no children, married later in life, in process of divorce and learned about BPD ~6 months ago.  Both wife and I have been in marriage and individual counseling pre and during marriage.  I learned of my PTSD several years ago and went through intense therapy to overcome early childhood abuse with a fairly good measure of success.  These therapies lead me to what had felt like a greater sense of self and allowed me to stand up to BP abuse and claim my ground within the marriage.  Work that I thought would resolve issues we were having but now suspect has led to the demise of what has been an unstable marriage.

My wife and I had been house shopping for our 10 years without success and unsuccessfully tried to start a family several times.  Everything was a perpetual struggle; money, home, children and daily living.  My wife was pissed off at me many times and after many unsuccessful attempts at trying to address and appease her anger (and abuse) I gradually got ground down and just started to accept blame to keep the peace (which even then she got angry at me because she knew I really didn’t believe what I was saying).  All the same, I loved her.  First time in my life I had someone that I was really close too, that I felt understood me and helped me feel like I wasn’t all alone in a big world and gave my life some meaning.  I had spent years recovering from addiction and my families metal health issues.  To me it felt like we were 2 children from bad homes that had found each others protective arms and though later in life, (40 years old) we would realize our dreams of having a full life.  Though we may fight, we would always be there for each other.

Last August, we found a dream home; right price, location, amenities etc.  Wife refused to make an offer on it with me.  I was intensely flustered; she had been dragging me around for years of Sunday Open Houses telling me how every house we saw had all these problems and who would have designed it this or that way, etc.  I just wanted the insanity to stop; I wanted to get off the merry go round of spinning in place.  I wanted to buy a house, put roots down and have some stability; “Start my life” that I worked so hard to just to get to the starting line to have.  All the same, when this dream house opportunity passed us by, I was very loving and supportive of her and patiently asked what happened. She was afraid; I still don’t know of what.  

A couple of days after her saying no to this home, she got on a tangent about purchasing a multi-family home and wanted me to drive by a new house etc.  As always, she wanted to be in control of how the search went and was unwilling to listen to what I was saying.  :)uring this conversation I got angry with her and yelled, telling her to stop and let’s make a plan so we can be successful.  She started to cry and went upstairs and I shortly after followed to apologize for my behavior.  It was too late.

For the next 3 months she pretty much stayed shut off in one room and told me she could not be touched and did not want me around.  Come December she told me my yelling was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” and asked that I leave the house as she wanted a separation.  The more I inquired what was going on the more she let on that she wanted a divorce.  We are presently in process of divorcing.

I still live with my (2B-X) wife; part magical thinking on my part and also part feeling completely lost without this marriage.  We tried mediation, no surprise that this did not work.  Since she has held all the money in her personal accounts and she claims that it is her money and I am trying to take it from her by asking for a settlement.  

My trying to get a settlement has driven my wife into deeper levels of anger and vindictive behaviors.  It hurts me so deeply (the quiet treatment), so I tried to get some clarity from her and inquire if there was any chance that she would be open to seeing if there is a way for us to work it out.  I got, what sounds to me, like a confusing response.  Specifically she says; “I see us as friends”, “you are my family” and “I love you”.  HUH?  I will give you my typical NON response; does this sound confusing or is it just me?

All of the aforementioned written for the purpose of telling someone who knows BPD the following; I am really struggling with all this.  Why is she leaving me?  :)oesn’t she have the abandonment issues?  Isn’t she supposed to be the one who feels suicidal and want ME back?  

I feel deeply abandoned and betrayed.  I am so hurt and angry!  Where have I been?  What am I doing?  What the heck just happened?  Was she just leading me on?  :)oesn’t she know that we are in our 50’s?  What about our life dreams?  Or is this this just a game for her control?  Is she that lost?  

What is also amazing to me is that in December I was feeling ok about all this; a sense of relief and personal freedom had come over me.  I was even able to find some humor when she told me in December that “I had abandoned her 2 years ago”, this timing she pinpoints coincides to exactly the same time I stood up and told her no more abuse.  Fast forward to now and I feel awful, really confused and deeply hurt and questioning myself at a very deep and painful level.  Should I have stayed subservient to save the marriage?  

When I first read about BPD I was amazed.  Someone finally knew exactly what I was going through.  Had words for it, could identify crazy patterns and circular conversations that our therapist glossed over and tried to do couples communication improvement with.  After having read this site and many books I felt some hope that I could find an avenue to address all our problems and live the life I have worked so hard to achieve.  I now see this as false hope, again.  

I feel emotionally crushed and worst of all, feel like I am exhibiting many of the traits that articles say are BPD traits.  I feel empty, I wonder who I am, I don’t know where I am going next in my life, I want my marriage back despite all the issues – it was part of my identity, I feel unloved and betrayed.  I worked my ass off to please her demands and should be relieved and yet I feel so empty.  She is blaming me for all of this and in all honesty - her words still resonate.

What happens to the Non’s?  Are we really just as crazy as the people we feel are the perpetrators?  I feel like I am want to give up, all of this work and effort has been useless to change my life and I am no longer at an age where I can fantasize about having a happy family home, F$@#!

Anyone relate?

[Mutt]

Hi joeramabeme



I can relate with how you describe  you were two kids coming from bad homes and understand each other. I can understand how frustrating that would be when your looking for a home and going to open houses for years and she found fault with every home. Often we're worried about upsetting our partners and try to keep the peace and keep our feelings bottled up and sometimes we lose our cool. I get it

Specifically she says; “I see us as friends”, “you are my family” and “I love you”.  HUH?

What is she doing in her room for the last 90 days? I understand she may ve feeling engulfed.

Do you susoect she may be having an emotional affair that would have her say she loves you like family?

I can understand feeling like you're going crazy. I felt the same way when my ex partner blamed everything on me and would swear that her version of what happen in our arguments was the truth. She would alter reality to match her out of place feelings and was so convinced that it would make me doubt my judgment.

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Joeramabeme,

yes it is so confusing and painful,  it makes no sense at all.  Who gives up a Life with someone who loves them at that age just like that? From what I understand a pwBPD's reasons for leaving are very different from a nons,  it isn't necessarily rational and that's why you are struggling to make sense of her words and her behaviour. I'm sorry you are feeling like this,  we have all been there,  comfortable to an extent in our relationships,  believing the other was as 'all in' as (if not more than) us,

only to discover there were  parts of them we didn't know,  that were hidden from us and that just like tripping a switch we could go from beloved to despised.  It is a excr uciating and surreal blow. Who knew we were on such shaky ground? You are here now thank God finding answers... .It wont be easy but that part of you than began to stand up for yourself and articulate your needs,  knows you did the right thing for YOU whatever the current state of play. It is unfortunately a no win situation right now,  you have been 'split black' and pushed away because you expressed your individuality.  From what I understand very threatening to a Bpd sufferer,  you are expected to be of 'one mind' (hers),  never question or challenge and certainly don't put your foot down about anything you consider important.  I know I sound cynical,  but it is all about her disorder you never really had a vote. Welcome and I hope you find some comfort here knowing you are not alone