In 6 days

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It would have been 2 years that I would have been broken up with my Ex, unfortunately last year- She came back in an almost covert blitz- she had done some big things in very small time, she moved out of her abusive family and moved in a city near mine. Her would be Bf helped her with that but couldn't move with her- Her reasons for this actions were that family would get her in her own city.

She asked me for help first regarding contacts their- I had none but I just had a panic reaction to this knowledge and decided to visit her and evaluate her situation- I could live without her but I couldn't go to sleep every night knowing where she was now- I found out that she always wanted to move their and that she of that moment was facing financial troubles, I helped her out- but on the 3rd day things started to get unstable- She was intensely affectionate towards me and it made me uncomfortable and I had already set a boundary that I was just there to help her- That didn't stop her.

She started to get intimate with me and explain all her actions(she broke up with me), At this point I was much aware of her condition and it was getting hard to make the right move on crossroads- I made the mistake and gave in but doubt was dancing on the back of head.

Things followed as with any BPD, she was manipulating her bf, lying to him by being honest- she would tell him everything! I mean EVERYTHING that happened but also tell him how low she thinks of me and that I am not worth her. When I found this out I realized that her condition was something I couldn't deal with- I sat down with her and confronted her and tried to explain it to her that her condition isn't making her do the right things. It backfired- and she really hated me for being that reasonable. It was hard for myself because this was/is someone I have deeply cared about but I realized I wasn't strong enough emotionally or rationally to keep up with it- It still hurts.

anyhow time passed- and a few months later I am informed she is going back to her own city even after everything is going well for her in the new city- her reason was she had no friends there and it was breaking her- and she explained how much she hated the city(in the start she idealized it).

Anyhow she goes back and we both have stopped having contact- for me it was going through a reset phase, I had to deal with all new realizations and set myself straight, I realized I was close to closure- but it was back to square one.

This year in Feb, she contacts me again after 4 months- Reasons were she wanted to catch up- I remained cold and collected, kept my distance and it was the same deal only I saw it coming- she started asking me to stay on skype until she could fall asleep(It was really hard to pull off) and then she started complaining about her bf which I didn't participate in- I knew she was baiting me with power trip. I realized a new thing that she always needed an other lover to have sympathy from, it's like that triangle thing- she was trying to manage the stress, where her current bf wasn't coming up on expectations she would go looking for it some where else because even with me she was other guys and she was good with lies.

I managed to push her away one day, but I don't know why it hurt so bad, but I was able to- I had to block her everywhere and she eventually stopped contacting me.

---

Now It's been a month, but I find it difficult to get her out of my thoughts- I was having problems about this before too- sometimes it would just get too difficult. Sometimes I feel I have BPD myself because I feel insecurities the same way she does- and she has told me I'm no different from her and I'm not just diagnosed. I've been feeling down ever since I've been told that- I'm doubting myself at every turn, Her thoughts just won't leave me alone and now I'm having dreams about her.

It's gotten to the point where I can't function any good- I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never be able to get out of this loop- I don't open up to people anymore- I've been letting go of people, unfortunately I don't have many people who give me much thought, Should I look for therapy?

I'm already on depression meds, it helps me with the mood sometimes but it isn't enough.

[harysc]

It would have been 2 years that I would have been broken up with my Ex, unfortunately last year- She came back in an almost covert blitz- she had done some big things in very small time, she moved out of her abusive family and moved in a city near mine. Her would be Bf helped her with that but couldn't move with her- Her reasons for this actions were that family would get her in her own city.

She asked me for help first regarding contacts their- I had none but I just had a panic reaction to this knowledge and decided to visit her and evaluate her situation- I could live without her but I couldn't go to sleep every night knowing where she was now- I found out that she always wanted to move their and that she of that moment was facing financial troubles, I helped her out- but on the 3rd day things started to get unstable- She was intensely affectionate towards me and it made me uncomfortable and I had already set a boundary that I was just there to help her- That didn't stop her.

She started to get intimate with me and explain all her actions(she broke up with me), At this point I was much aware of her condition and it was getting hard to make the right move on crossroads- I made the mistake and gave in but doubt was dancing on the back of head.

Things followed as with any BPD, she was manipulating her bf, lying to him by being honest- she would tell him everything! I mean EVERYTHING that happened but also tell him how low she thinks of me and that I am not worth her. When I found this out I realized that her condition was something I couldn't deal with- I sat down with her and confronted her and tried to explain it to her that her condition isn't making her do the right things. It backfired- and she really hated me for being that reasonable. It was hard for myself because this was/is someone I have deeply cared about but I realized I wasn't strong enough emotionally or rationally to keep up with it- It still hurts.

anyhow time passed- and a few months later I am informed she is going back to her own city even after everything is going well for her in the new city- her reason was she had no friends there and it was breaking her- and she explained how much she hated the city(in the start she idealized it).

Anyhow she goes back and we both have stopped having contact- for me it was going through a reset phase, I had to deal with all new realizations and set myself straight, I realized I was close to closure- but it was back to square one.

This year in Feb, she contacts me again after 4 months- Reasons were she wanted to catch up- I remained cold and collected, kept my distance and it was the same deal only I saw it coming- she started asking me to stay on skype until she could fall asleep(It was really hard to pull off) and then she started complaining about her bf which I didn't participate in- I knew she was baiting me with power trip. I realized a new thing that she always needed an other lover to have sympathy from, it's like that triangle thing- she was trying to manage the stress, where her current bf wasn't coming up on expectations she would go looking for it some where else because even with me she was other guys and she was good with lies.

I managed to push her away one day, but I don't know why it hurt so bad, but I was able to- I had to block her everywhere and she eventually stopped contacting me.

---

Now It's been a month, but I find it difficult to get her out of my thoughts- I was having problems about this before too- sometimes it would just get too difficult. Sometimes I feel I have BPD myself because I feel insecurities the same way she does- and she has told me I'm no different from her and I'm not just diagnosed. I've been feeling down ever since I've been told that- I'm doubting myself at every turn, Her thoughts just won't leave me alone and now I'm having dreams about her.

It's gotten to the point where I can't function any good- I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never be able to get out of this loop- I don't open up to people anymore- I've been letting go of people, unfortunately I don't have many people who give me much thought, Should I look for therapy?

I'm already on depression meds, it helps me with the mood sometimes but it isn't enough.

[Circle]

Hi,

Why not go to therapy? Of course it will help. It seems like you have much that you want to talk about and figure out and process! A therapist is a Professional at listening and helping you move toward clarity and understanding. From my experience, a counselor won't necessarily tell you what to do. They will help you, by helping you get in touch with your own guidance and strength. Until you can get a counselor, I recommend doing something recreational to clear your head up and give you inner strength. Something like fishing, or swimming or making.

[harysc]

I'll be looking into- My biggest concern is I've developed the disorder myself- I'm judging everyone's intentions- not having human moments anymore- my view has grown more misanthropic and I'm becoming this person I don't want to become.

My father has had no social life- He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder after he had contracted Meningitis- ever since then he had been losing his wit and human connection- I see him and I break down sometimes, he has absolutely no connection with anyone in his life.

I feel I'm traveling the same road.

Unfortunately where I am from- Mental health is not understood and treated well- I've been to psychiatrists before and they have been of no help. I've never done therapy- my family doesn't trust the standard of care with these things and My immediate family is oblivious of such matters, I'm the eldest- my Dad is no help and my mother is... .just religiously back tracked from today's world.

[Circle]

I read your reply. I was able to find a counselor, that's not a doctor/psychiatrist. For me, it's more about the support; checking my head. My understanding of BPD, from this website, is that it develops early. It sounds like you are struggling. Medicare allows visits. And, some counselors will work out a bargain with clients, if asked. You don't need any family or friends to agree with you doing it; it's non-religious and your information is confidential.

     

     The fact that you see your father's struggle and understand his disconnection seems revealing. If you were getting that wound up, I doubt you'd be able to see that objective view of his situation. Just a thought. I'm guessing you suffer abandonment issues, in the same way your exBPDgf does. Except that you have the clarity to see the situation from a bigger viewpoint. Just that fact that you are questioning your own mental health is so different from how your exBPDgf was acting.

     You wrote "I sat down with her and confronted her and tried to explain it to her that her condition isn't making her do the right things. It backfired- and she really hated me for being that reasonable."

     

     This is not the way you respond. You have been supportive to her over and over, despite the fact that she brushes you off and has relations with others (which you mentioned as being triangulation). This is a woman that you have checked in on, to make sure that she is doing okay.

     You wrote "I had none but I just had a panic reaction to this knowledge and decided to visit her and evaluate her situation- I could live without her but I couldn't go to sleep every night knowing where she was now."

     You care a lot about her and have given a lot to her. And, in typical BPD fashion, she hasn't been able to really appreciate how you care. I'm guessing that you are struggling with the crazy-making that they cause, from interacting with them. Make sure you read some of the articles on here about the reactions they cause.

     Also, the fact that you have a history of putting her needs before your own, may be an indicator of your own co-dependency issues (which can have abandonment aspects too). Give yourself a break. You've put yourself out for her, it's been difficult. You need to read up more, on the articles, so that you know what to look for, how to deal with it, and have understanding for your own struggles (as a possible co-dependent) too. Hopefully you can find a counselor.

     Take care of YOU!